You hit the nail on the head, evillesbian. I get the "you're picking on her" or "nitpicking". Uggh. She didn't forget that I told her I'd give her a dollar for helping me clean the house 6 months ago, you're right about that. But she "forgets" to brush her teeth. DH clams up when I get onto her. I have done everything from being the main one to correct to deciding I've had enough and not doing anything. When I did that, nothing got done. She actually went 4 days with no shower (which by the way, she was being given a bath at 5 1/2 by Grandma)and at 6 p.m. was still in her pj's. He gives me full reign to do whatever, but overcompensates as "Good Guy" when I do. He'll baby her. He has lately begun to realize that she will lie just to get attention but seems to ignore it a good bit because he doesn't know what to do with her. He did say he wished he had seen her around other children earlier so he could have seen how different she is. He doesn't get mad at me for the way I correct, but it's often not worth it because his babying "un-do's" everything!! We've wanted a "label" for her for a quick fix. I now know that's not the right thing. It's a minute by minute case with this child.

Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.

First of all, I agree that what I did over facebook wasn't the best of ideas and could have been done a lot better, but one cannot always make the best of decisions when stressed. I did what I did and it can't be changed. However, the issue of His daughter dating the older man, One she was underage, two she was living with us at the time and it wasn't acceptable or appropriate for her to be with a 37 year old when she was 16, three, her father had the right to know what she was doing and it was my responsibility to tell him. I ask you this question, how would my relationship with my husband been hurt if he found out later that I knew and didn't tell him? Also who would have been held responsible if it actually came to attention to the authorities? The man? Well yes, but also the party who is in the role of guardian (me) who had the responsibility to let her father know what was going on under his nose. If I had never found out and she had managed not to get caught in the act by me, I never would have felt the responsibility to let her father know. It isn't as simple as "Tattling" when she is breaking the rules of the household and breaking the law, and I do understand why she reacted the way she did. I however don't have to like it or take it... I really don't care what she does with her life. Now that she is not underage and not living in the house, it doesn't matter. As for my mother, I am not excusing or condoning her behavior, she can be pretty mean, I will not defend her actions, I was just stating what happened. Why I sent the email, I felt obligated to try to resolve it personally before anything else. I guess I can't easily let go of an insult. It's a failing of mine. Why I finally blew it up on Facebook was a combination of resentment and frustration for how they were acting and my husband's lack of ability to stand up to them. It seemed at the time the only way to resolve it and it obviously didn't work. Believe me, I will not be contacting any of them, I never wanted to even before the Facebook drama started but I felt that trying to ignore the insults and stealing wasn't doing a thing to help or hinder it and to change it in any way I had to act. I am really not that good at confrontations so I messed that up pretty badly. My husband is actually doing a LOT better on the spineless wonder front, He told me that he was blinded by guilt about not being around much when they were growing up because he was in the Navy. He said that's why he let them get their way in a lot of ways when he was there and why they are used to him being the doormat. It's a shock to them that he is actually standing up for himself and I and they don't like it. He said that he still loves his girls but he will not tolerate the lies anymore. The next time they establish contact, maybe then we can work things out like adults. However they will be treated like adults in all aspects and they may not like that.

Your anger seems very reasonable. I mean, you devote 10 years to this girl, and she goes off in a huff and does a series of stupid, destructive things that wreck havoc in her life and yours, and now comes back home for you to have to clean up her mess. Your anger seems very reasonable. Of course, just because it's reasonable doesn't mean it's productive. And that is what's really important in the long run. If she can get clean and stay clean, she will realize the error of her ways, repent, and try to make ammends. If she relapses back into drug use, the anger you feel now will be nothing in comparison to the he11 your life will become with a using meth addict in your home. Are there any groups or programs for families of drug abusers in your area? Or can you have a few therapy sessions for yourself with your daughter's rehab counselor? I'm suggesting that you seek help to manage your anger for the short term until the time is right to discuss it with your SD in a manner that won't send her back-sliding. I'm not suggesting that your needs are unimportant or that your feelings aren't valid -- only that keeping your SD drug-free is paramount.