She may be depressed. Sometimes, people with severe depression make plans because they know they should, that it's good for them to have something to do and somewhere to go, and that maintaining relationships is important. But when the time comes, they can't muster the strength to follow through.

I wouldn't let her cancellations impact your plans. But I would advise you or someone in your circle follow up with her to check on her well-being. Even if on the surface she seems fine, she really may not be.

Yes, I have a group of 7 friends that get together every month or so for either lunch or dinner. If something comes up (sick kid, issues at work, whatever...) the person with the issue just apologizes and tells us to have fun. I could never imagine one person attempting to change everyone’s plans like that! A touch arrogant or something, lol.)

I get situationally depressed so I agree she may be depressed.

It could be that every time she looks at her friends she may feel the pinch of her own financial reality and that might bring on her bad feelings.

She may even have some kind of a personality type or even a disability which makes it difficult for her to socialize as often as you do.

Personally I would wait till she was better and then discuss why she feels the need to cancel so often. I would also ask her is there anything I could do. But I understand that everyone is different in their desire to get in to someone else's business.

If this is a group dinner, I would not postpone it for her, especially since she has done this before. Continue with your plans and tell her that you will try to see her next week.

I had a friend who used to do this to me. We would make plans and then she would cancel. At the time, she had a drinking problem and I came to the conclusion that ultimately she preferred to stay home and drink.

Maybe it’s a financial thing. Which can be depressing. I think it’s unreasonable to ask to postpone when there are others involved as well. I think the rest of you should proceed as planned. Then maybe you take her out for coffee, give her her gift and have a talk.

There were only four of us going and it’s something we do together every year so I’d feel bad to not include her. Evidently the other two agreed to next week but since I was out shopping, I didn’t get the message u ntil late. I have learned never to count on anything when she is part of the plans but this time it really bugged me. In the. End, she is a dear friend and I will once again let it go.

she shops a lot, buys stuff she can’t afford and then returns it. I’ve been with her when this happens and she always has an air about her when she makes the return. Like she’s a rich lady and it didn’t meet her lighexpectations? Something like that. I just inwardly roll my eyes.

wouldnt you know that the gifts I bought are little plants so now I have to water them all week! Oh well, I’ll get over it. She has been there for me many times.

If it were just the two of you then there's no other option. However since it's a group I wouldn't postpone, this time of year is so hectic that it can be difficult to reschedule.

I had a holiday lunch today with 4 other friends. We've been getting together since 1995 when we each had a junior in high school and we were on the prom committee. We had such fun working on the prom that we decided to lunch regularly. But if someone cancels we still go and in fact last month there were only 2 of us. You are being a kind friend by postponing but you're still allowed to feel the annoyance.

Thanks, everyone. I just got off the phone with one of the others from the group and we had a good laugh about how we might have known this would happen. Made me relax and feel better about it. We decided if she cancels next week, we’ll go without her.

my other friend did tell a story how they had invited friend #1 to. New Years Eve dinner. They didn’t have enough chairs so they ran out and bought one. Then, predictably , she cancelled. Friend #2’s husband was fit to be tied.

Because this is about "airing grievances" I will commiserate! We all know people like this and they can really drive your crazy. Some are selfish, unreliable, andor just totally disorganized. It is galling.

If it were me, the plants'd be dead by next week.

I do have to agree though that sometimes there is a reason. I have looked back on certain people and situations and realized why they were unreliable. It can be substance abuse, chaotic family life, etc.

You are such a nice person. Just throwing this out there for starters.

We can go into the reasons why this could make one a more compassionate friend. But, you already are.

I had a friend for years that did something similar. I quickly learned to have a Plan B. One time she was supposed to come for the weekend to our vacation home. I held off buying all the food. Guess what? She canceled. For her, it was mostly her difficult and mentally ill husband. But, I would find this out way after the fact. The excuse was she woke up sick.

ETA: Just saw your post. Glad you have your other friends to lean on.

Glad you're feeling better about it. Happy Festivus!!! :)

Seriously, she might act like she does doing the returns because she doesn't want people to think she's returning because she can't afford it or maybe she used it for whatever she needed and is now returning it (like some people do w/ clothes). I hate doing returns myself for the same reasons (not buying stuff I can't afford, just returning because I don't need it, wrong size/color, etc), but I don't put on airs when doing them :) .

I have experienced this in a smaller way. I have a friend that I can pretty much guarantee if we make plans she will back out of them. In one occasion I had bought a ticket for her to a lobster dinner and at the last minute she told me she couldn’t go and foisted her husband on me! I already have the tickets so there wasn’t much I could do about it. Then I found out she was off in the tavern with another mutual friend. If you know somebody has a habitual pattern like this I wouldn’t be rescheduling anything for them. And I would probably tell them why.

I can totally relate to what she’s doing and why, as a single mother I worked two jobs. It all went to providing for my daughter and there was seldom ever anything left over for me. I would commit to plans thinking I could move funds around to make it happen only to find that I would still be short of cash, so I’d have to put it off or cancel. I would over spend at the store and have to return things that I wanted but didn’t necessarily need. It’s hard for someone with ample means to understand those struggles but I’m thinking that’s probably at the root of why it keeps happening.

Mtn, she definitely has been surrounded by substance abuse all her life. Her parents were alcoholics, her XH abused pills and drugs and her daughter was also hooked on heavy drugs. In fact, its only through my friend’s perseverance that her daughter is doing so well today. I never linked her behavior with that before. Interesting.

thanks for all the perspectives on this and sharing your own situations. I’m over it now and looking forward to dinner next week. Unfortunately I don’t have anything in the house for dinner tonight so I am drowning my sorrows in Werthers caramels.

It was really Lucy, Yeonassky and mdln who made me think. I have had more than one situation where I only found out much later that someone was in the throes of very serious issues and that was why they flaked all the time.

A couple of mental illness reasons come to mind. 1. Depression 2. Manic depression issues, with the hi point overextending and then crashing. 3. Anxiety. My dad has that and often is indecisive and changes plans a lot. 4. Some early onset memory issues. 5. A unique combination of some of the problems of 1-4.

PS Caramel lovers. I have shilled for this company before, but they truly are divine. https://bigpicturefarm.com/collections/caramels

Not a bargain, ok. But cute packaging and delish!

Nothing goaty about them for anyone wondering. I love the texture; a little bit of chew without making you worry about the odd bit of dental work.

PS Oh I meant to tell you! You don"t have anything in the house for dinner? Grab a book to read and head to Enoteca Tredici (did I spell that right ?) and have their pistachio pesto white pizza with lemon and arugula. My DD, who does not like pistachios or arugula, said it was one of the best things she had ever eaten and wanted to go back. From Connecticut.

Thx so much for the recc.!

My sister is similarly unreliable. The worst instance was my daughter's college graduation. My daughter had limited tickets for the graduation, and wanted her Aunt to come. Since DD was attending school in another state (actually my sister's state) it involved travel for all of us. After consulting with my sister and my mother, who was also going to the graduation with her boyfriend we decided to rent a condo together for the weekend. Well, guess what? My sister got invited to some other outing that she decided that she would rather do. So, not only did she disappoint my daughter, she didn't pay her share of the condo. She did send flowers, which was apparently supposed to make up for everything else.

Mtn, those caramels look divine. I do love caramels. So glad you enjoyed Enoteca Tredici. I’ve enjoyed it every time I’ve gone. Should have noticed if they have Door Dash or Uber Eats, although it’s only ten minutes from my house. That pizza sounds so yummy.

terezosa, that was incredibly rude of your sister, especially for such an important occasion.

lpink, I don’t see any of that In my friend . She just seems to need to be the occasional drama queen.

My youngest son who is 40 yrs old has had a severe depression & anxiety condition since he was in his mid teens. This ooccurs alot and his Dr said this behaviour is very common. I am so happy to realize that there are so many people who actually understand this. I asked him why he doesn't share this information with friends but he is adamant that the wouldn't understand. Sadly, he'd rather have them think he is inconsiderate than having a mental illness. Sad but true. Of course, this may not necessarily apply to your friend but it's something to consider :-)

I would be irritated too. Too many things on everyone's plate in December. Her behavior seems attention seeking. She doesn't simply back out of the plans, she asks all of you to rearrange due to her "illness".

You are a very tolerant friend for sure! I would never have stood for such behavior more than a couple of times and then she would have lost me as her friend! I just would not have put up with this behavior for whatever "good reason" she had. My mom used to always say "with friends like that, who needs enemies?"

I agree with others that say that there could be other causes like anxiety or a chaotic life. However, I don't agree with forever giving her a pass and pretending you are not put out by it. I've had two people in my life like this (one at work and one in my social circle). I was always covering for them and pretending I didn't care because "things were just so much harder for them". In the last couple of years, I pretty much had had it with both of them and realized I was enabling instead of helping and started demanding better behaviour. My work friend stepped it up and stopped using her anxiety as an excuse to miss deadlines and not do her share of assigned tasks. My social friend, I'm still not sure about as I pretty much said, I love and adore you, but I can't take the unreliability of our friendship anymore and I need a break. We are in touch, but, as of now, I just don't make any plans with her. The final straw was when I made a specific request of her not to cancel, told her that I really needed her support and help at a social event I was hosting and then she just didn't show - no phone call, no excuse, nothing. I just decided my feelings count, too and I had a right to be upset.

I get that in cases of mental illness trying to get someone to step up is not always a reasonable goal as they really aren't capable. However, sometimes I think I have enabled and not allowed someone to overcome their fears or learn that the (minor) anxiety excuse is being used as a crutch. I know my work friend is way happier and more confident in her abilities now than when she was letting everyone else do her work for her.

I have a sisters-in-law. I can’t think of a single important occasion she hasn’t shown up late for. I’m not talking about 5-10 minutes.

The first occasion was her second husband’s funeral!!

There had been a snowstorm, but everyone else was there! Waiting.

She was my son’s Godmother. We had to wait!!

This is a doozy! And her son got criticized for getting upset....

Her son, had a hard time of it when he came back from Iraq. Many years. As he was getting his life together (I really admire him) he met up with a wonderful woman he had known, they started dating again and eventually made a life together.

Long story, but one day we got the news, she was expecting, with twins! (Their children just turned four).

My SIL was late, never made their baptism. The priest waited and waited. It was not good. She finally showed up at the reception afterwards. It went fairly well, but at one point my nephew gave his mom a piece of his mind.

She should have camped out in the parking lot if she had to, to be on time for her own grandchildren’s baptism. I would have if I knew I had this problem.

By the way, it’s truly delightful to see what a loving, attentive father my nephew is to those two kids. He and his wife have a very happy little son and daughter!

SIL has been late to every one of their birthday parties.

What is this malady? Wanting attention?

Thanks for all your perspectives on the situation. Makes me look at things with different eyes. Now that I think about it, her sisters are the same way, so I’m guessing it comes from some sort of childhood situation. Her sister is prone to not show up at all. Many times we’ve saved a seat at the movies for her and she never showed. She blew off last years get together, too. With her, we’ve just learned not to count on her.

I'm sure I have annoying habits, too, although I can’t imagine what they are. ;)

I do thank you, Ded, for getting me in the Festivus spirit! I’m a Festivus baby so the holiday has special meaning to me, lol.

You have already received such great input and advice. I have to admit I am one who sometimes has been like your friend. I have found myself in such a depression or funk that I will cancel plans... however, usually I just do not make them in the first place bc I know I would only cancel and would not want to do that to someone. I suppose she could feel this way too. Sometimes we find ourselves in a very dark place and it seems we would not be very good company even if we could muster up the energy to get out.

Having said that, she could just be broke. Either way you are an amazing, patient and understanding friend. This may have been suggested as I did not read what everyone wrote in detail..... but have you considered talking to her about how she is doing? Maybe ask her if sometimes she cancels bc she is simply not up to it?

Just some thoughts...

I agree completely with daisychain01.

You have received very good advice and astute insight. I wonder if you have ever considered just having a heart-to-heart with your friend about this? I'm not talking about coming at her in an accusatory way, but perhaps reminding her of the many specific events that she has backed out of over the years, and letting her know how this has adversely impacted others. Of course you don't want her to feel embarrassed or "bad", but, well, YOU are suffering from the impact of her actions, and the others in your group probably are to an extent as well, and since she is a friend who is as close as a sister to you, is this not something that you can openly discuss?

Let it be.

I would just stop asking her to come to things, eventually she will get the hint!

Anxiety is a biochemical disorder and is hereditary. We're not talking about everyday worries and anxiousness. We're talking about physiological symptoms and anxiety totally unrelated to what is occurring in the person's life. It makes people do seemingly illogical things and people are so ashamed of having it they will attribute it to anything other than the physiological disease of an anxiety disorder. People with an anxiety disorder often have trouble just getting out of bed some days. But they will not tell you this, you will think they are lazy, making it up, skiving off, being overly dramatic, etc. So they will cancel something and prefer you just think they are rude.

Among my group of girlfriends, we have one who is always late. Today we had our Christmas/holiday luncheon, which is always in one of our homes. The time was posted at least 3 times, the most recently a few days ago. She called one of the group around 1030 asking the time and said she would be late. We always expect her to be 5-10 minutes late, this time she said she would be about 30 minutes late. We have one among us, the youngest, who is still working, so she needed to return to her job. Ms Late Queen finally showed up an hour late, after we had appetizers, had started filling our plates, and acted shocked we had not waited for her.

I’m with daisychain. You have received great advice. None of you should be miserable because your friend can’t be dependable about attending these functions. If you don’t want to have a frank private conversation with her or go in without her, then you have no choice than to accept her behavior and move on.

I pinkmountain, thank you for articulating what depression actually means. I do agree that letting someone control things or make you upset eventually will drive you crazy. In my son's case, I'm just happy when he follows through with something planned and accept things when he doesn't. I will add that I sadly never (or almost never) plan anything that depends on his attendance. It's the only way I stay sane. All his Dr, Dentist, or Optometrist offices have this on file as any appointment is hit and miss depending on how he is feeling that particular day. Such a terrible and disabling medical condition.

Darn that autocorrect grrr!

ladydi, you can use the "edit" function in your post to correct your autocorrected correction!

Oh please don’t correct it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve read lately in these parts. It literally made me laugh out loud, a lot.

I have a close family member who is quite unreliable (for example Cancels about 1/3 of the time she says she’s coming over to help with Emmett). I kinda made my peace with it and try not to have hurt feelings over it. One thing I’ve learned is that with her I have to explicitly emphasize I’d really like her to be here/like her help and that seems to prevent some cancellations. I think maybe some

anxiety/depression is at play.

on my mom’s side of the family they hate to commit to ANYTHING! we just put out the invite and plan for a little extra food In Case they swing by. Same day invites are best. Drives my husband nuts.

With unreliable/late people we just get started and they can join in when they get there. I don’t make any allowances but I also don’t get hard feelings - just go about my business and they can attend to theirs. I say this as a reformed late person who now starts meetings within 3 mins of the start time regardless of who’s in the room.

Bunny ... you're bad HaHa! I used the edit to see how and if it would work. I thought I had proofed my response but apparently not.

Oh I have a friend like that too.! I and I have to occasionally distance myself from her in order not to just blow up. She can never be on time to anything. Or she wants to change our plans at the late minute to better suit her needs or wants. If we do whatever she wants and she makes the plans it can be pleasant, but I have started recognizing when she is going to try to change everything at the last minute. So when she starts that hedging and hesitating, I say “ that’s ok, maybe you can go next time”, and leave her butt.

My daughter asked me how many other friends she had. That was a wake up call! She has no other friends! I cant change her and I am at my limit. My daughter asked me what I was getting out of the friendship, and I had to admit nothing but frustration.

It is interesting to read on here how many people have some kind of issue with friends...maybe it just goes with the territory...or are we being too forgiving?

Had an interesting conversation with my millennials son and gf the other day. She had huge problems with close friend and former room mate...but continues to gloss it over...to the point of "oh, you are easy to live with" statements...lol.

I recall myself various opportunities I had to directly communicate my discontent...and did not.

Why don't we?

I think most of us are conditioned not to rock the boat, and to avoid confrontation - sometimes in spite of the cost. We (myself included) often don't know HOW to address an issue with a friend, and we second-guess the thoughts and feelings we hold, trying to convince ourselves that perhaps the problem is not as big as we make it out to be, or that somehow the problem is "our own", and we just need to get over it. It certainly isn't easy to speak openly and honestly, for many of us. But when we don't, things rarely ever change and our resentment often grows. I think we probably fear risking alienation and loss of the friendship, if we "speak our truth." Or at least this is the way I tend to see it.

I just realized reading this that it described a former close friend of mine. She walked under a black cloud, always doom and gloom conversations, but she had very few friends so I hung in there. Plus, she had her moments (few) of being joyful. I had a weekly standing dinner date with her at my house (never saw the inside of hers, despite a decade-long friendship.) She was in a dark place and she seemed to like coming to my home (and unloading). It would always be just the two of us. But she cancelled on every other thing--including my wedding! I kept trying to keep the door open, but she kept slipping further away until I couldn't remember our last dinner. It wasn't anything I had done, she had a track record of doing this to others as well. I definitely think depression played a role, and she has a medical background. Every so often I'll reach out to her to see how she and her kids are doing. The answers are perfunctory. I will always keep the door open to her, (and she knows it,) but I don't expect a knock anytime soon. I think I'll write to her today.

eta:I emailed her 10 hours ago. Just a friendly “miss you, hope to hear from you…” And got crickets. Neither surprised nor upset. It was worth a try.