There's a lot of ways people age. People can become more difficult in old age because as we age, we gradually loose control of our lives and also gradually loose our sense of being important. A lot of that is societal, but some of it is just how individual people define power and control. I know plenty of seniors who still contribute to society even after they retire, by serving on boards and volunteering for community service. They relate to others as friends, not just as bosses. But some people, like my folks for example, who were bosses at work their whole lives and who define power and contol by being infallible, do not deal well with aging. I would say, generally, that controlling people have a very difficult time with aging, and get more and more difficult as time goes on. 72 is not that old, but some people act like they are going on 92 their whole lives. Which is ironic, because there are probably some spry 92 year olds out there! Bear in mind what others have said, you can't control your mom but you can control how you react to her. You have some rights in this situation, and she has some adult responsibilities. If she chooses not to act like an adult (assuming she doesn't have some kind of dementia), then you are not responsible for her problems. Choose what you will do, and make it very clear that you are going to do as you see fit and if she doesn't like it, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. That's the only way you can deal with co-dependent people. You're just going to have to accept that she is going to be elderly and difficult. There's a difference between compassion (which you should exercise with your mom) and co-dependence, and the key is to navigate the line between the two. Recognizing the problem, like you have, is half the battle. And I think it also helps to share the burden by talking with others who are going through the same thing. I know I get a lot of solace from comiserating with my friends who are also dealing with or have dealt with difficult parental relationships. (Just ask Annie, lol!)

OK, the potluck has turned into not much of a potluck. Besides a pan of sausage, 1 of kielbasa, mac & cheese, baked beans and potato salad, looks like the rest of the contributions are going to be tossed salad, cookies, veggie platter, crab dip, jalapeno poppers (all BBQ type food - this was originally going to be a BBQ at my cousin's house, with them supplying the meat). So, family is still supplying the meat plus more - cousin bought 2 spiral hams (don't know how big - assume that's about 20-30 lbs?), her sister is making rolls (?! for 65 people and counting!), one of my aunts is making a "big" (?) green bean casserole, niece is making (we assume, I haven't talked to her) 24 chicken thighs I left her message that BJ's has that size package for $1/lb. I was going to make chicken thighs too, you think 24 more (about 18 lbs total between the 2 of us) is enough with the ham (other meats may just be enough for a "taste") or should I buy another package? DH thinks that 72 thighs (27 lbs) sounds like too much considering the 2 hams. I'm also thinking I should make a pan of oven-roasted potatoes? Oh, and we can use the oven at the club to warm things, but they don't allow sterno or candles, and the food tables will have to be in the middle of the room so no way to plug in crockpots, etc. The best we could come up with is to just keep warming things in the oven, bring potholders and trivets to put the hot pans on the table and after an hour or so check if things need to be reheated or if everyone's eaten we can pack them up in fridge. My cousin also wants to buy some cheese and crackers, chips and salsa, and potato chips to munch on - I don't know what time she thinks we'll eat, but I think 1. There are some appetizers coming already 2. Party starts at 1:00, if people have eaten already they'll just eat some munchies and want to stay for cake, but I'm betting most people will want to eat "dinner" right away. Oh, yes, I am bringing the Mr. Tea maker so we can make iced by the pitcher if people want that instead of hot coffee/tea, also picking up some jugs of lemonade, she has 5 2-liter bottles of Coke and is picking up some bottled water. I'll ask my dad to bring a cooler full of ice and I'll bring another. This post was edited by ajsmama on Wed, Mar 27, 13 at 12:51

Wow, you folks are awesome, thanks so much for taking the time to post ideas and recipes, I really appreciate it. I'm going to ask tonight if eggs/egg whites are on the OK list because those macaroons are a great idea (and are a favorite of DH as well). Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley and rye. It's also found in spelt, I've just learned. So all of those products are out, along with a laundry list of other foods that seem to cause her stomach to cramp up. I love to bake - bread a couple of times/week, cakes, cookies, pies, etc. I feel badly for my neighbor as she's basically given up on all baked goods, which is why I thought I'd see if there were any possibilities for her that she might have overlooked. publickman I've brought quinoa salad a couple of times and am not a huge fan, but it's a good fallback. bons thanks so much for the recipes. The brownies and macaroons look great (assuming eggs are ok, I'd have to leave out the nuts) but the 3rd recipe won't work as was pointed out (milk). mom4j47 yes, this is pretty drastic and not by choice but for health reasons. My neighbor gets very very sick when she eats something not on her OK list. All veggies and some fruits are always welcome so I often bring those. Annie I'll check out the cornbread recipes (and ask her if cornmeal is ok). The meringue cookies look good although no nuts. dcarch thanks for the hint about Asian groceries, I've got one nearby. I have no idea how to use these flours though - anything you can share about them? Wild rice is a grass and as such it's on her OK list. I haven't seen wild rice flour (if it even exists) but I've got a really good recipe for a wild rice salad (includes dried cranberries and almonds) that I could bring sometime, with the almonds on the side. cloud_swift the cholo tiki recipe looks delicious - I know DH would love to try that. Teresa yes, rice just an additional food she is sensitive to, which makes things difficult since it's often an ingredient in gluten-free flours and foods. tami_ohio thanks for pointing out www.diningdownloads. I have a Kindle and will check it out. chi83 I'll have to check with her on coconut milk. I'm assuming almond milk is not going to work. I didn't know that coconut cream whips. compumom thanks, I'll see if meringues will work for her. Becky thanks for the recipe! Jessica thanks as well, I'll ask about corn meal because your recipe looks great. cynic I'm going to see her tonight and so will ask about all the ingredients I'm not sure of. I didn't realize flour residue hangs around. She loves the gewurztraminer that DH brings on occasion, so arriving with baked goods is not really all that critical. Her basic approach is to make a soup that she knows she can eat and assume that any other contributions from guests are not going to be something she'll be able to have. If the contributions fit her diet, it's a bonus. This has been a real education for me, both in getting to know this neighbor and in all the posts here. Thanks again to all who commented.

Westsider--Yes, I found a Pratt and Larson tile. I was supposed to get a couple of samples in the correct size and color last week, but they messed up my order again. I'll post pics when it gets here, unless they have another "miscommunication" at the showroom. The party was a success!! I'm not sure what happened with the people who made comments over the last months about arugula being a nasty weed and that capers were sickening, but everyone ate, and ate, and ate, and enjoyed the food! The woman who couldn't believe she ate capers stopped in her tracks when I told her that she also ate anchovies in that tapenade so loved so much. I received lots of praise during and after the party. Thank you all for your help. Most importantly, everyone, including me, had a great time. The group was smaller than expected as none of the husbands came, and a couple of families had the flu strike them at school that day. I think it all worked out for the best as we women just gathered in the kitchen to laugh, listen to Christmas music, talk, and eat apps while I finished plating and garnishing the main course. It was just how I hoped it would be. I ended up spending more time the night before on my son's project and having another commitment at my son's school that day, so I had to adjust the menu a bit to accommodate less cooking time. For apps I did a sour cream, herb, and cucumber dip with fresh veggies and blanched haricot verts and asparagus as suggested. I also did tapenade with crostini and Kathy Casey's sexy baked olives and feta. For the main course I did the cold beef fillet with sherry wine vinaigrette served on arugula with shaved red onions, haricot verts with walnuts and lemon vinaigrette, scalloped blue cheese potatoes, and the citrus salad with mint sugar. For dessert, I made the eggnog tiramisu trifle, cream cheese swirl brownies, and leftover lemon ginger cookies. We drank lots of prosecco, wine, and the hot buttered rum I made for the first time. The kids drank the spiced apple cider. I also had a beverage dispenser filled with water, lemons, and cucumber a friend termed "spa water." Sounds so snobby to me. ;) For compumom, here are the three recipes for which you asked. Eggnog Tiramisu Trifle http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Tiramisu-Eggnog-Trifle-108981 Tapenade In a food processor, pulse 1 garlic clove and 1 t fresh thyme leaves until minced. Add 1 1/4 c pitted kalamatas, 4 drained anchovy fillets, 2 T capers, 2 t lemon juice, and about 4-5 T EVOO and process until coarsely pureed. It's best fresh, but can keep a couple of days in the fridge. Cold Fillet of Beef with Sherry Wine Vinaigrette