" The following appeared in January 1997 issue of “The Rose Valley”, the
newsletter of the Miami Valley Rose Society, Tom Rubins editor. No author
was given. (This rose society is in the Dayton, Ohio area.)
JUST FOR FUN
Corporate Downsizing
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced, and other restructuring decisions at
the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North
Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market
share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of
service. Reductions in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emission for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable
press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak
that Rudoph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull
his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's
helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be
under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in
the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to
be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represented a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a deadend job with no upward
mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback
on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right
down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship
in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board
will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if
seven dwarfs is the right number.
MVRS; January 8. 1997
I guess we should start thinking of adding extra paragraphs. Barbara,
my wife, suggests a paragraph in which the dwarfs are laid off and the
manufacture of toys is subcontracted to a firm in China."