Hello Fay-Lisa, You've been through so much, you should get a medal for staying as strong as you have and being able to maintain your job and relationship. You are absolutely NOT insane or anything close to it. Many people have that moment in life (or several) in which they feel like they have *had* it. They may not use markers to vent their frustration/anger/anxiety/depression but they do all kinds of other things -- eat too much, drink too much, have affairs, spend too much, leave their families, withdraw completely and so on. First things first, you are doing the right thing by getting all the physical tests out of the way. My first thought after reading everything you've been through is that you might need to see an endocrinologist to have your thyroid and hormone levels thoroughly checked (forgive me if you said you have already done then). If all the tests turn out to be in the normal range, then it's time to consider other possibilities. You may have some kind of chemical imbalance which might be helped with the right kind of medication. This process is most definitely trial and error, and I certainly understand your frustration with the various medications and their respective side effects. I don't like taking them either, but they do have their place as part of an overall approach to tackling and managing symptoms. One suggestion I have is for you to find a *good* therapist -- someone who is very experienced and has training in working with people who may have emotional damage from childhood. You mentioned in your post some unkind things your mother said to you when you were young. I imagine there's a lot more where that came from. Was there alcoholism in your family of origin? Are there others in the family or extended family who have struggled with mental health issues? One psychiatrist I consulted with asked me what kinds of mental health issues there were in my family (I, too, was struggling with terrible depression and panic attacks/anxiety). When I told him there were family members with bi-polar, extreme anxiety, schizophrenia, alcoholism and chronic depression, he said, "well, what did you expect?" The truth is most families have members who cope with these illnesses. A psychologist said that each of us has a collection of genes that contribute to our personalities and temperaments. We just have to work on doing the best with what we've got. You sound like a very self aware, strong person. Please please please do not be so hard on yourself. I am an easy going, peaceful person usually-- but when I have gone through difficult times in my life the anxiety and depression caused me to behave in ways I'm not proud of -- angry, irritated, crying, throwing things, hiding, having major panic attacks where I felt outside of my own body. That's called disassociation and it can happen when anxiety and depression go on for too long without proper treatment. In addition to all this, there is the real possibility that you are now in perimenopause and many of your current symptoms may have been caused or made worse by it. I think I've had every symptom in the "34 symptoms of menopause" list." I've always dealt with anxiety and depression, but this was so deep and dark -- I'm thankful to God that I finally found a competent therapist, the right medication and inner strength to choose to believe in myself and stop condemning myself. This is a choice you can make too and I hope you will. It sounds like you're a caring, compassion, intelligent and very sensitive person. Those are gifts worth celebrating!! It's so easy to slip into that groove of basing your self worth on your job. I'm a decade older than you, and I'm here to tell you, the quality, richness and success of your life is not about what you do to earn money to support yourself. It's about your relationships and your experiences. What do you do to relax and have fun? Fulfilling life experiences don't have to cost a lot of money. You don't have to have a lot of friends, but you do need a support system you can turn to for a listening ear and encouragement. There are many ways you can cultivate loyal, kind and supportive friends. You deserve to have people in your life in addition to your wonderful boyfriend who care about you and will treat you like the amazing person you are. Life goes by so quickly. Take each day as it comes and don't worry so much about the future. As the saying goes, we only live 24 hours at a time. And if I'm having a really bad spell, I take it about an hour at a time : ) Be good to yourself. You might find yoga relaxing or some other kind of exercise class. You might also find a support group beneficial -- it's always comforting to know you're in good company when it comes to dealing with life's difficulties. Think about what makes you the happiest and resolve to pursue these things. Don't ever let anyone make you feel "less than" about anything -- whether it's your job, appearance, hobbies, friends -- all these belong to *you* and if someone doesn't have something supportive or helpful to say to you, tune it out!!! It took me years to learn how to do this, but I am happy to say, it can be done!! Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. I am interested in finding out what the test results will show. But no matter what, cherish yourself and look for the positive things that happen each day -- even the smallest good things matter. God bless you and good luck with your appointments next week!!

Great idea about the foamcore Kippy, that would be fabulous and so much easier than painting. I'll give that some thought. I need to get bold, there are so many amazing paints out there. Everytime I go to Home Depot, there is a new line of metalic spray paints. jlc712, I think that the bookcase is where I can make the next biggest impact in the room. I hate to get rid of our beloved Little House on the Prairie set, but if I find a niece to send it too, that will make the parting a little sweeter. Maybe if I thin out some movies I can store books below in the cupboard. My audiophile husband loves his sound equipment, however. To think, I can't turn half of it on! Great idea about the calendars. Clever and budget-savvy. So hard to throw away those beautiful calendar pictures. I've got to put 9 frames of something above the fireplace. That wreath comes down this weekend, its the Feast of the Presentation so the time has come. Maybe I'll find 9 pictures of the Blessed Mother to frame. There is an endless number of painting of her, and I could gaze at those forever. Of course, my husband would want pictures of National Parks, so I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do. Tibbrix, you are right, this big room needs big furniture. The coffee table is 48" and the sofas are 72" so it gives a foot on each side to sit. Remember, we walk behind the sofas, in front of them, beside them AND we chase Captain around the room! It's really a dog run, I guess. I would have loved to buy large English-arm three cushion sofas and lovely accent chairs, but it's the fact that we move the loveseats (sometimes daily) to watch television or play video games. I know this seems crazy. We only have one functional TV. With seven kids on board (well one is gone but we still have her bedroom that she shares with a sister), all of our rooms are full of kids. I figure that when the time comes to change the furniture once again, I have seven people who would love free sofas. ; ) Need to work on paint, don't have a budget for that now. Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. It means so much to hear your opinions. -Cupofkindness

Every year I vow to read more. My problem is I don't have time to read during the day and if I try to read at night, I fall asleep. I only read non fiction. Tried to force myself to read fiction but it doesn't hold my interest. I have 2 books here that I want to read....American Sniper and Lone Survivor. However I will say that when Stacy describes a book she has read, they always sound so interesting. Reminds me of when I was taking care of Ken. He read all the time and would pick up a book and read it all the way through, hardly laying it down. I would get a book to read and not have time, so I would give it to him and say, " Read it and tell me about it."

This is difficult to narrow down. Here goes: Book: "To Kill a Mockingbird". I read it at least once a year. Song: "Till There Was You" , Beatles. DH and I used to sing it to our babies. He would play it on the guitar and we would both sing. Maybe that's why they went to sleep so quickly-to escape our singing! Movie: Dr. Zhivago. On a snowy night DH and I went to see the movie and were only a handful of those who braved the storm to see it. It was in an old theater with the red velvet drapes around the screen. It was a very romantic, memorable date night! History behind Dr. Zhivago