Heck, I want the flowers!

A death notice can detail any charities the deceased supported. It's up to you if you want to donate to them in his/her memory.

I'm with you, Lucille. I have no problem at all when family suggests that instead of spending, say, $100 on a funeral arrangement that is only temporary, it would mean more to them to have me donate 100 to, say, the hospice center. Flowers are a gesture meant to to bring comfort to the family and let them know their loved one will be missed. A donation does the same thing. But when an organization initiates the request, that does NOT do the same thing.

This reminds me of a comment, attributed to several different people, reputedly in answer to different questions posed to someone on their death bed, and perhaps made up entirely:

One person reportedly was asked - Do you want to be buried or cremated?

Bob Hope was reputedly asked - Where do you want to be buried?

The answer - "Surprise me".

The decedent is dead and won't know or care.

I don’t know where you saw (or heard of that) Lucille, but last October, my DD clicked on something she saw about donating to a charity and before she new it, a bunch of emails went out to all her facebook contacts saying that in lieu of a gift for HER birthday a donation to some charity was preferred. The only way I found out is because her aunt told me that she had given to charity in DD’s name and why. I went back to DD to say wow, that was a nice thing to do. Her response was, it wasn’t me, FB made that decision for me and she doesn’t remember seeing anything about her birthday on the charity ad.

Edited to clarify

When someone dies, families don't need tons of flowers/plants and often cover the cost of what they want themselves. So why have people waste money on more flowers? Making a charitable donation is just one way of letting the family know that you will miss the deceased, a way to honor his/her memory. It's not required, obviously, and I wouldn't donate to an organization I didn't like but most charitables are worthwhile.

I have no problem with 'in lieu of' for funerals and have done it myself...usually it's a charity based on the cause of death such as the American Cancer Society, or some organization which helped the family such as Hospice...and for so many, flowers seem like a waste of resources as the person who passed certainly can't see them.

But for someone to tell anyone what to give or not give their mother or for a bday celebration is absurd, and not sure why anyone would pay attention to it.

"The decedent is dead and won't know or care" Precisely, which is why they don't want you to waste your money on flowers. If you're so inclined, they would rather the money go to good use i.e. donate it to a favorite charity in honor of the deceased. I always say, if you want to give me flowers, give them to me while I'm alive and can enjoy them. :-)))

There's a line there somewhere. To be told not to give my Mother a present is out of line. To remind people that there are many charities that help older women, that's different. In California, the local nursing home ombudsman group has "I remember Momma and Poppa", and delivered small potted flowers to nursing home residents. The flowers were donated and the deliveries were by volunteers. Any money went to the Ombudsman group.

I was please to see that a former neighbor's obit said, donations to XYZ group. I donated because she was a lovely neighbor, and I had moved away several years ago. My $25 donation to the non-profit was welcome. A $25 flower arrangement would have been a daisy is a vase.

I asked for donations to the Hospice, the Cancer Center or Ride for Dad with hubby's death. People did donate to those causes, as it showed on the online obituary, plus a card in the mail from the funeral home, stating who donated.

When my beloved in-laws passed, we asked in lieu of flowers that donations be made to the local Hospice or the YMCA camp, OR a charity of their choice. It was much preferred to having a plethora of plants & flowers to disburse.

As far as instructing people on how to honor their living parents, that's none of their business.

What Elmer said.

I gave a cheque to my brother and wife for his 50th wedding anniv., he said it'd go to the cancer agency whose service to him they'd valued several years ago.

The agency sent the receipt to me. I sent it back, saying that it was a gift to them, to issue the receipt to them. They did that.

(Plus - his annual income was well above mine, so the receipt was more useful for him, come income tax time).

When my daughter had a birthday party for me last year, when I invited people I said that, as I had everything that I needed, that gifts were declined, but if people felt so inclined that a gift to a charity of their choice would be appreciated. The only such were from 2 friends at my church, who made a gift to the church in my honour. And they got the receipts, which is O K by me: I guess they did, as I didn't see any, relative to that situation.

Had I been the young woman whose Facebook friends had received the message to give to that agency instead of her Mom I'd have written to the agency requiring that they leave my friends alone, forever and ever and send me a message to 'fess up to what they'd done and apologize, which I could send to those friends.

If they didn't reply, or refused to apologize, I'd write again, saying that I'd be writing up the story to send not only to the friends in question, but to everyone that I knew and that they could be sure that I'd be telling people that I met of my lousy experience with them for an extended period.

ole joyful

Usually for a deceased it's for the deceased's favorite charity or cause. But for Mothers Day? That's for one's own mother. Do what you will according to your relationship with your own mother.

We have a small food pantry and a nice water park for kids in our small town that I often donate to in place of flowers.. years ago a local business man passed away and I was shocked to see how many flowers were there. They were all the way around the huge room from the floor to the ceiling. Such a waste of money. I often wondered what they did with all of them.

Susie- When my FIL passed, there were those who sent flowers. TONS of flowers. And just as many people made donations.

We asked the funeral home for suggestions of what to do w/them all, they said they'd take the flowers to the nursing home & children's hospital. They remade the arrangements into different ones - so as not to look like a funeral arrangements. We were quite happy to do that!

(edited for spelling)

We did that with my in-laws flowers. It’s a wonderful thing...

The funeral charity donation request doesn't bother me a bit. I think it makes life easier for the family as it means fewer flowers to deal with after the funeral/service when they may be overwhelmed.

As far as M Day or a birthday or another special day, it wouldn't bother me either provided the request came from the one having a special day. Edit to add unless it's some sort of special circumstance, I don't think that third parties should request donations on behalf of other people.

I have never heard of the "remaking" of the arrangements. I do know flowers are OFTEN donated to nursing homes and the residents know where they came from. It is sort of a mixed message. How lovely they would on their dime, re-arrange them first!

I am a big fan of donating to charities and not sending flowers for funerals. Most of the time, I see a specific charity mentioned "or a charity of your choice"in the obituary. I am totally fine with that.

No I don't think it's great for the charity to suggest itself instead of a gift.

Frankly I get almost physically ILL when I see a HUGE display of flowers at a funeral. It's such a waste and I fear a scam. The flower shops know most who send flowers aren't, attending and they only have to look good for a few hours. They charge full price for almost spent blooms. That and the truth that the money could truly help the living if donated to a cause, makes me very sad. I think people are taking the suggestion of a donation in "moms" name a tish to heart. People are always looking for new ideas for gifts. How is this any different than a retail store suggesting you buy such and such from them, for mom? Take it in the vein it was offered --a new innovative idea. Seriously, how many of us really need MORE STUFF?

The flowers aren't for the deceased. They are for the bereaved. When we arrived for my mother's memorial service I was moved to tears by the beautiful flowers in the chapel. (She had donated her body to science).

Until then I, too, considered flowers 'a waste'. Not anymore. *Because* they are temporary, flowers remind us to appreciate beauty in life.

Should you know that a family needs assistance, that's an entirely separate matter. Do both!

When my beloved daughter died last June I requested that memorials be sent to our local library. I was so moved when I found that enough money had been sent to buy 19 books.

Lucille, the OP, wrote in part: "I saw a post on the internet telling people to donate to their organization this Mother's Day instead of buying their own mother a gift."

I can't help but wonder, Lucille, if perhaps you misunderstood a bit? Did the post outright say "instead of buying your own mother a gift"? Or was it more along the lines of "in honor of your mother"?

I ask because my mother died in 1970, and my husband's mother died in 1969. My father also died in 1970, and my husband's father died in 1979. (Hubs and I have been together since 1981 so we never even got to meet the other's parents.) Along with never having to worry/argue about with which family to celebrate the holidays, we've also never celebrated a Mother's Day or Father's Day, as we don't have kids. So... I can see how an organization would attempt to "cater to" folks without a living mother (or, in June, a living father), by soliciting donations in honor of a deceased parent.

Well I am sending my mom a card and some dark chocolate truffles from Harry and David, and some custom M&Ms. I dont think she would take too kindly to someone suggesting i donate in her name to some organization over the chocolate. She would probably feel ripped off,rightfully so.

How tacky. I do agree that there is quite a difference in someone REQUESTING that in lieu of gifts to THEMSELVES,maybe donate. Its maybe a good idea for those who dont want more stuff and have those friends or relatives who can't NOT get something for them on those occasions.But for someone else to suggest that they are more deserving than your mother,well....ugh. I think that organization will feel the backlash from that suggestion.

Amylou: Exactly!!!! A lot of Moms love their Mom's Day gifts!! (Truffles, you are a great daughter!)

Lindsey, the organization wanted the donor to honor their mother by giving the organization money and outright skipping the candy/flower type gifts. No reference was made in the post to the memory of deceased parents, or even of asking the mother if she would be OK with this.

If I'm sure that the deceased was the one who wanted a certain charity to be blessed instead of flowers I'm fine with it. A friend who passed recently requested donations be made to the local animal shelter and we did it because we knew for a fact that was a big deal to that person. But I do have a problem with the fact that this shelter is constantly hitting us up for more funds now. And forget donating to a charity instead of giving a loved one a gift for a birthday, Christmas, whatever. If that person specifically requests it, OK, but not otherwise. And I agree, the tradition of funeral flowers is for the benefit of the bereaved.

I got very few flowers when my parents died, but then they lived in another state. I did very much appreciate the flowers I did receive, and if I received a live plant, then I kept that plant in memory. I do like the idea of planting a memorial tree, however.

I have kept almost all the plants that my brother and I received when we were in the hospital last year, but that is a different issue. I only got one small pot (from my sister) of succulents, which are now blooming, but since my brother was in for longer than I was, he got more. I watered all his plants when he was in the hospital and then I separated arrangements of plants so that they would do better. The anthurium that was in the collection he received from his boss is still blooming.

I don't want a funeral when I die, and I also want to be cremated.

My Dad passed in the winter and it was annoying as heck to have to handle live plants and flowers when it was freezing outside. Frankly, it would have been annoying to handle irrespective of the weather, but the temps just made it worse.

I recently read an obit that requested donations rather than flowers with this very nice turn of phrase: "Those planning an expression of sympathy are
asked to consider..."

I did get 2 mixed plant arrangements. I've separated them, and they're now individual plants. I'm glad I didn't get a bunch of bouquets. I have no room for a lot of plants and I don't like funeral bouquets anyway.

Our niece asked that instead of birthday gifts for her last year she asked for donations for ALZ. We would have given her $20, but instead we gave $100 to ALZ. Her father died of ALZ. HAPPY TO DO IT.

When my dear friend died, I went to the church she attended. Signed a hymnal in her memory and placed it in the pocket by the pew she always sat. Church secretary helped me.

Elmer, it's NOT about YOU when a donation to a charity is made after a death. It's about the person who died! Surely, his family knew his wishes, and a donation makes so much more sense than tons of flowers being sent, either the the mortuary or the home of the deceased.

I speak with some experience as one who lost her husband nearly 14 years ago. I had already lost my parents, but they had outlived nearly all of their friends, so there were very few flowers or donations. My husband had requested that donations be made in his memory to the last school at which he taught for 10 years, rather than any of the schools he had attended. He did this as his own schools had enormous endowments; this little rural ME independent school had a very meager one. When ones alums are mainly ME farmers, not captains of industry, this is what happens. His school existed as a way for ME famers to get an education for their children when the back country roads were impassible for many months of the year, thus the lack of wealthy alums who donate vast sums.

It meant a great deal to me to receive notifications that money had been donated in his memory, and I knew the school greatly appreciated it. My husband's first cousin did as you would have done, Elmer; she made a donation to HER choice of schools! Yes, my husband had attended this school, but so had her father and that was why she made the choice. It was quite typical of her to think of herself, not her cousin's wishes.

I believe you have said in the past that at one time you were a Trustee of an independent school, I assume perhaps the school your own children might have attended. If you died, I would assume that is where you would prefer a donation to go, not to my late husband's school in ME - a school that has zero meaning to you. I would owe you that courtesy.

We still received tons of flowers at the house, some lovely, many FTD specials. I rearranged them as I knew those who sent them would have been appalled if they had seen what they paid good money to send. I had the church take many of these to those from our parish who were in the hospital or ill at home (that is how the Sunday flowers are taken care of each week - the flower committee ladies re-arrange them and they have a committee that delivers them to homes and the hospitals). It's nice to see them used.

I cannot imagine disregarding the wishes stated in an obituary unless the family of the deceased had requested that donations be made to the Klu Klux Klan. I would balk at that one!

"Elmer, it's NOT about YOU when a donation to a charity is made after a death. It's about the person who died! Surely, his family knew his wishes, and a donation makes so much more sense than tons of flowers being sent, either the the mortuary or the home of the deceased."

I know that. And so what?

What if the same request had been made 12 months earlier, by the decedent. What if he, your friend, had called to say - "Hi anglo. Listen, I wonder if you wouldn't mind making a $200 contribution to my alma mater. Make it in my name too, if you don't mind. I'd appreciate it".

Does a death give the dear departed one, or their family, the right to impose their wishes on others and tell others what to do? Sorry, not in my book.

In thinking about this topic, it dawned on me that there are fewer and fewer traditional funerals being held among the people I know. It seems to be more common that there's no "service" per se, or that any grave-side or crypt-side service may be restricted to close family and friends. Perhaps because of the general decline in religious participation or for other reasons?

Sometimes, there's nothing at all immediately following a death, especially true when the mortal remains are cremated. Much more frequently, it's a "Celebration of Life" gathering or some such thing. Usually at a public meeting place (I've been to two at brewpubs and one at a restaurant's large banquet room) where the giving goes in the opposite direction, a party thrown by the deceased (whose estate foots the bill) as a thank you to friends and family. A sponsored party when you come down to it, to honor the departed. Usually held a few months or more after the death. With the normal eulogies and engaging stories but in a casual and often happy setting.

Loss of friends with our water aerobics group, the Y places a memorial plaque in by the pool; Much appreciated.

Elmer, the example you give is not the same thing at all. In your situation, your friend is touching you up for a donation to his alma mater; with a death, you are giving to something he held near and dear in HIS HONOR AND MEMORY! They're just not the same thing at all!

When you were a trustee, did your school not have gifts given in honor of an alum's wedding anniversary, a milestone birthday, the birth of a child, a debut? Schools in which I have been involved have done this and when my own daughter was a debutante, I gave donations in honor of their debut for 15 girls, to 4 different schools - THEIR schools. I did the same with multiple 50th wedding anniversaries in the past few years. It would have had no meaning to them at all if it had been to MY school, but it did as they were big fans/supports of their own schools.

I only have one friend who died and for whom there was no service at all - she wanted it that way. I'm not even sure if her husband and sons have buried her ashes yet and she's been dead for several years now. Not long before my husband died, a friend from the Vineyard died and his family he'd a party to "celebrate his life". I don't know if there was a private funeral or not.

Everyone else I know has had a funeral or memorial service, but then I know very few people who don't at least occasionally attend church or their synagogue. We held THREE memorial services for my husband; one was a few days after his death, here in KY; the 2nd was 10 days later in Westchester County NY and was actually a graveside service when his ashes were buried, and a 3rd was held about 10 days after that on the Vineyard. We wanted as many people as possible to be able to say their farewells to this lovely man without inconveniencing them with lots of travel. We were very happy we did it that way. We also had part of his ashes separated and spread them in the water on the Vineyard as he wished. Something similar (3 services) may well be done for me one day. When one's friends are old, one does not expect them to travel great distances for a service.

Fair questions/comments:

"When you were a trustee, did your school not have gifts given in honor of an alum's wedding anniversary, a milestone birthday, the birth of a child, a debut? "

No, not that I can recall. Sometimes a family would make a contribution to the endowment in honor of a parent or grandparent's death, but 3rd parties wouldn't do so. Parents and grandparents were always encouraged to make a bequest to the school effective at death and some of those produced named sub-funds or money designated for specific purposes in the name of the giver or the giver's family.

Debutantes? Ha, sorry, that's quite rare in these parts.

" I know very few people who don't at least occasionally attend church or their synagogue"

I know very few who do. That may make a difference.

I think this is probably a case of different parts of the country, different social settings, different practices. You're welcome to suggest what contributions you'd like me to make, either now or later. And I'm free to consider such a request out of place and ignore it. With no insult taken.

What mainly annoyed me about the suggestion that instead of giving gifts to the woman on mother's day was that the charity had sent that request to all of her facebook friends.

Very intrusive, and not at all acceptable.

To my mind, not in any way comparable to a store's suggestion that one buy some of their goods as a gift for one's mother.

ole joyful

"Intrusive" is a curious word given how we communicate in 2019. Back in the day there was this thing called a phone book if you needed/wanted to call someone you looked up their number. Now the feeling is if I give you my number you are free to call me but no one should just call a number for their own purposes. Facebook is social media. There is no assumption of privacy. People run the gamut how they use their accounts. My guess is if other "friends" were put off by this request they will block the person with the suggestion. Did they cross the line? I hear that in your opinion they did.

Ah, yes, the 'flower ladies'! My mother volunteered for that duty at our interdenominational church. I sometimes accompanied her when she brought Sunday service flowers (to what we called 'shut-ins' then. I most remember one woman, a widow, who lived in three rooms and cared for her middle-aged son (diapered, bed-ridden, an infant's mentality). She was so happy to SEE us; the flowers provided an excuse for a visit.

Are there still 'flower ladies' in congregations? Do their kids still learn these life lessons?

There are very much still "flower ladies" in my church. I've sometimes received these flowers and they do lift ones spirits.

Elmer, you need to expand your social circle! Debutantes "rare" in your parts? Well, let's see. San Francisco has TWO debutante balls! One is held in June and is a benefit the the California Pacific Medical Center, and the other is called the Cotillion and is held right before Christmas.

In Los Angeles, there is the Las Madrinas and there is also one in the Newport Beach area. There may be others - these are just the ones I have a personal knowledge of and know those who have participated.

Debutante balls are still quite popular and now everyone is getting in on the act. There are Russian and Ukraninan ones, black debutante balls, Chinese-American debutante balls - you name it someone has organized it. Girls still like to dress up in long goofy dresses (usually white, but not always - in St Louis not at the Veiled Prophet Ball), long white gloves and get to have a great party.

Yes, rare among "real" people and of little interest to most. I'm not from a moneyed or power holding family in either city and if I were, I would have run away from the high society nonsense they're active in at my first opportunity. I'm also not a member of any exclusive club - whether or not I would qualify or be of interest to any aside, it was never something that interested me. ,

If others find such things interesting, fine. My daughter would have probably taken a swing or a kick at me had debutante participation been suggested to her.

Adversarial posts on debutantes are unseemly. I have seen pictures of such balls and the young ladies appear happy and beautiful. Let them have their day.

My sister loved our small town library. When she passed away there was $15.000 donated in her name. She would have been thrilled!!!

Unseemly, indeed. I thought the uninformed suggestion for me from afar about the "social circles" of people who are a portion of the community that I and most everyone I know try to avoid to be inappropriate and unwelcome. I responded politely.

Then perhaps you could have said debutantes were rare in your circle of friends, not ”in these parts”, which was clearly incorrect.

BTW, I‘m not wealthy, nor from a power holding family. Many debs are merely from nice, upper middle class families. Most would be horrified to be considered part of “high society”, which, in fact, truly no longer exists. Lots of assumptions, Elmer.

When Dad died, we were among those who requested that donations be sent to the national organization for the disease he had, rather than send flowers to family members.

Recently, I was reading an obituary (in my small hometown paper) where the family asked for donations to a personal gofundme page. That one rubbed me the wrong way. They didn't say if it was to help with funeral expenses or medical bills or what, just requested personal donations. ???

"Then perhaps you could have said debutantes were rare in your circle of friends, not ”in these parts”"

No, I think what I said was correct, it's rare in these parts for young ladies to be in a debutante program and they're not popular.

In the Bay Area, with a population north of 5 million people, there are what, a few dozen debutantes? In SoCal, north of 10 million people, another few dozen.

I'm certain that in each area, there are more people with Hansen's disease (leprosy). Is that common, or rare?

As usual all Elmer wants to do is argue.......