I'm sorry. The self absorption of some people amazes me. I've had similar requests and it really changes the way I view people.

I am picking my jaw up off the floor. My friends occasionally send me requests when they are taking part in a fundraising activity for a cause such as cancer research - usually b/c their family has been personally impacted. I can't quite wrap my mind around the idea of someone asking in the way you have described above. I agree with others who have said it doesn't even deserve a response.

I'm incredulous reading this, roarah, and definitely understand your anger. You're absolutely right, her fight pales in comparison to your life and death situation. I'd also be tempted to let her know my feelings. She failed you as a friend. Joaniepoanie might be right though: she won't get it.:/

I'm so sorry to read of your situation and hope a brighter future is ahead for your family.

It’s terrible that these crowd funding sites have been exploited by people with dishonest intent because it ruins it for those who really need it. I don’t blame you for being upset. I would be so LIVID that I’d have to call them to task on it and I’d also make sure everyone else knew what they did too. If those people don’t believe that what they did is wrong, then maybe peer pressure will teach them how wrong it really is.

Sometimes those sites and the shear kindness of others is the only help available to someone in need. It really gets me riled when I see people stop giving because they can no longer trust that it’s for a genuine reason.

roarah your anger is justified and I agree with eld that your unexplained guilt is because of who you are not because it's deserved by the friend. Walk away.

Thank you for your support. I do feel that my personal tribulations do not trump anyone else's travails so I really hate the feeling I have of " how dare she" complain to me after what I have been through. I also have a hard time asking or accepting outside help so she may be respecting that personality trait of mine. This is why I will not address my thoughts with her. But I am distancing away from her drama indefinitely now.

Xo

I don't think your anger is misplaced or uncaring at all. Her attitude--both in asking you for financial help and in the way she is approaching the financial aspects of her divorce--smacks of entitlement. I'd be annoyed to.

You need to let go of the guilt. Easier said than done, I know, but recognize that her solicitation, consciously or not, was designed to evoke guilt, or at least pity, which of course leads to guilt if you don't come through for her. Viewing it as crass manipulation may help you let go of the guilt.

I don't know what your relationship with this woman is. I wouldn't cut ties with, say, my sister over something like this. It might strain a relationship with a close friend. But I wouldn't hesitate to cut ties with a mere acquaintance over this.

I'm sorry about your health issues and am glad that you (by virtue of planning and saving) have been able to weather that financial storm.

Crass manipulation is the right description. Well said, cawaps.

Set aside the go-fund-me request matter. The fact that you and your family have gone through what you have and this person hasn't so much as sent you a note of support says it all. I don't think you owe her a reply to her email request and I'd put her in your rearview mirror.

Roarah,

I also have a hard time asking or accepting outside help so she may be respecting that personality trait of mine.

Oh no, this is not on you. Your "friend" did not even call you or reach out in anyway when you were going through those difficult times. Again, delete and ignore.

All this said, we often have feeling for people, sometimes no rhyme or reason to it. When I was going through a difficult health issue, I was shocked that my oldest friend did not come and see me, before or after the surgery. Yes she sent flowers, cards and called, but that is not what I needed. I came here seeking advise. Some said, discontinue the friendship, drop her etc. But, what stuck with me was one person who said, "She can still be a friend, she just turned out to not be the friend you thought she was." So true. Our relationship now is totally different. What I learned was that our friendship was ranked higher on my scale than I was on hers.

Asking you for money in this way and for this reason is clearly wrong. I think we all agree on that.

I would be furious. Your friend's attitude smacks of entitlement. And why draw people into her divorce fight -- especially any mutual friends of both her and her husband. Is her husband going to start a Go Fund Me to fight his wife in court. How petty. And, if she really cared so much about what her kids "deserve," she'd be trying to have an amicable divorce and not begging for money for strangers.

I've only given to Go Fund Me twice, both times to help rescue animals. I find the whole concept of begging for money from strangers on the Internet to be kind of odd. I mean, it's one thing if a local community rallies around to raise funds for a kid with cancer or something but posting on websites for donations seems like something different entirely.

And, half the time, these things turn out to be scams, like that Go Fund Me for the homeless guy who supposedly gave his last $5 to the couple for gas or whatever and then I think all three of them ended up indicted for fraud.

I also really dislike the Go Fund Me's that raise hundreds of thousands of dollars for some person who becomes a political cause celeb -- especially if it's for like, legal fees. There are SO MANY good causes out there, giving to a Go Fund Me just to anger your political opponents seems so petty.

Wow - I didn't realize people did this kind of thing but I guess not surprising as I think we are becoming a society where more and more people feel less and less personal accountability for their decisions and actions. And more and more entitled to get what everyone else is getting, at someone else's expense if they don't have the means themselves.

I have never funded anybody's go fund me and probably never will. It sounds like you have been beyond generous and a better person than I am. No need to feel bad about not responding to this self centered individual.

Ironically I was just thinking about go fund me as I keep hearing about how the family whose child was thrown over the third floor railing at the mall of america has raised a million dollars. I was wondering if that will meet the needs of their child - unclear to what extent he will recover from his injuries. Then I don't know if it was just the media saying this or if they are really considering suing the mall of america. I wondered what the MOA has to do with a deranged thug throwing the child. In any case the $1M made me think about how someone could probably set up a go fund me page for anything they wanted and someone would contribute. And now I see that apparently happens with some frequency. Sad....

I am so sorry this woman has hurt your feelings this way. She is clearly a self-absorbed person who suffers from delusions of entitlement.

As for this:

I also have a hard time asking or accepting outside help so she may be respecting that personality trait of mine.

Those of us who keep a stiff upper lip about our trials and tribulations are in the minority these days. If you don't complain and go on and on endlessly about your travails, they don't exist as far as lots of people are concerned. I learned this the hard way as well.

My friends who claim to be the most sensitive, are most sensitive to their own feelings.

This of us who keep a stiff upper lip about our trials and tribulations
are in the minority these days. If you don't complain and go on and on
endlessly about your travails, they don't exist as far as lots of people
are concerned.

Indeed! I have contributed to a gofund me once, and it was well justified, however, when does it end?

As you stated, roarah, it never seems to end! I find it extremely self absorbed she has such nerve.

Just curious if this so called friend has received any money on her go fund me?

I have contributed once to a go fund me for a friend with terminal cancer. She has two young children and her illness has drained the families already limited resources. I would not feel bad though if this family took the funds and used them for a wonderful vacation knowing pretty much it would be their last one together.

Im always a bit puzzled by the go fund me accounts that are created for what I consider more comfortable families. Ones that should have adequate life insurance,disability insurance and savings.

Quite a few here generously contributed to the GFM account I created prior to our mission trip to serve an indigenous community in the Panamanian rainforest a couple of years ago. The bulk of the funds collected came from people here, and every last dime went towards supplies that were given directly into the hands of those beautiful people. GFM can be a lovely way to share and spread the love. It can also be a tool of entitlement and ridiculousness, and I have certainly seen examples of that myself. Roarah's "friend" has shown her true colors in a completely thoughtless manner, and I agree with those who suggest simply viewing her in the rearview mirror. My own experience in confronting people like her to make my hurt and disappointment known has only proven that people who are that self-absorbed will turn everything around, and suddenly they are being victimized. It's total bullcarp.

I am so sorry this happened, Roarah. I too would be bewildered, hurt and angry. Let yourself feel what you feel and then move forward. She isn't worth prolonged inner turmoil.

My reaction to that go fund me request would be to raise an eyebrow and add that request to the definition of chutzpah.

The Scottish would say "that's some brass neck on her".

I don’t think I like your friend.

So this friend didn't do a GFM, she sent you an email personally to ask for money for her lawyer? Knowing what-all you have been going through? Has she even been in touch with you at all about her situation, since she hasn't been attentive about yours? Wow.

She should do a GFM.

Thank you again for your thoughts. Good point about the need at times for crowdsourcing and it is a valid point about a vacation sometimes being a needed memory for families. I just wish full disclosure between needing funds to cover medical funds vs funds for other needs was more forth coming in the requests.

This divorce fund was not via a go fund me source. She sent me a personal email with no other cc's. She had personally told me of her situation months before. I offered a shoulder to cry on and ear to listen but never expected to be asked to help pay for her to keep her house.

OMG. A personal email asking you for money?! That's even worse. I totally misunderstood. I thought she had a posted a GFM request to everyone. That is SOME brass neck she's got, indeed. In that case, I think I would totally reply. I am beyond insulted on your behalf, roarah.

With friends like that.....

I'm sorry you were treated so poorly by a supposed friend. I agree that it is time to re-evaluate the friendship!

All I can say is I don't disagree with your feelings at all and I think you are showing a good deal more adulting in not telling her exactly how you feel about the request and her lack of support. Adulting is hard. Some will get it -- some never will.

I think that you’ve been hurt by this person on more than one occasion and this request is the straw that’s broken the camels back. And that’s ok! It doesn’t make you a terrible person, judgemental or uncaring. It means that you are seeing her true colors and they aren’t for you. I agree that instead of telling her what she can do with her link, it’s better to just walk away and not respond. Sometimes silence speaks the loudest.

Do not feel guilty,do not feel you have to do anything to help this person.

I have never, nor do I ever plan to donate to a go fund me page.

This came across my news feed the other day. This is the height of the expectant entitlement that so many seem to think they deserve.

https://globalnews.ca/news/5197435/pregnant-couple-viral-meal-train-request-jim-burns-philadelphia/

SUX! Send her a response along the lines of, "I'm so terribly sorry for you, but my cat needs an operation/the foundation of my house has to be replaced/my (aunt/uncle/best friend) wrote to me first for help with their ugly divorce. And I've been meaning to thank you for your concern about my husband and me in our recent struggles. You are certainly a good friend."

PS I hope your recovering is going well.

I think you are way overthinking this. The so-called friend probably used the shotgun approach for her request, mass mailing everybody she could think of to see if she could get lucky and hit a generous soul.

Ignore.

I do contribute to the very occasional GFM. The last one was towards repairing those burnt black churches down south, and the link was from a vetted news source.

Whether roarah's "friend" was doing a GFM or the actual private e-mail... no way!

That's just beyond the pale. Don't feel guilty either saying NO or just ignoring the request all together. And then, her.

I’d have to respond with something snarky. Like I could give her $100 to help with the divorce lawyer but she would need to give me $200 to help with medical expenses.

As someone said, sometimes silence speaks loudest. I can’t believe all the people that have jumped on the GFM bandwagon for every little struggle. Don’t let this so-called friend send you on a guilt trip. And I hope you and your DH are recovering well.

While I have contributed to good and worthy causes and a handful of GFM’s I personally felt good about, they were indeed few.

You’ve received great feedback. I’m a tactical thinker, so mine is a little different.

On FB, you can block a friend and they will notice that you no longer show up as a friend. I’ve done that once to someone I will never have the chance to see and who’s tone on FB was not something I had any interest in reading. My sister blocks me on and off because we don’t get along and I respect her right to do so.

But if you don’t want to make an obvious statement, you can also unfollow them. So you are still “friends” but you never see their stuff in your feed. I use this option with a few folks that are more loosely connected- or acquaintances from prior jobs that are still connected to friends....

And for email, I erase 99% without reading. Even some from people I know.

Your real friends will call or text if they need something and want to connect.

Could you send a fruit basket? That might accomplish several things.

Add a get well card, a thinking of you card, a ———card...

I understand both anger and guilt

Probably because in 90% of the time that I feel anger I immediately feel guilt too shortly afterwards just because I feel anger.

There are different situations out there, but your friend sounds like she's blinded to what's understandable and what's not, and what's right or wrong to do either. Her sending an e-mail(instead of calling..e-mail? really?) especially after not being there for you in such trying difficult times ..is she aware at all of what you're going through?

Maybe she wasn't always the same..blind and deaf person she comes across as of now.

There are thousands of email scams going on every day and they capture a friends name and insert that kind of story. On my birthday this year, I found a posting on FB that said I was requesting donations to GoFundMe in my name to some charity and a link to take you there. By the time I had found it several of my family had made a donation which infuriated me. Of course I deleted the post and contacted FB people who said all I could do is close down FB and tell the friends to stop the payments. I did that and it was resolved. Then last week I get an email from Bank of America which appeared real but I googled the message and it was a total fraud. One has to be so careful. My point here is that even though the email had her addy, it may still be a scam and she has no knowledge of it. Trust me, I know this to be true.

Having worked in fundraising for many, many years, and also helping folks fundraise, I can attest that most people do not understand it and aren't very good at it. The two most important things about fundraising are: 1. It is really about community building, communication and relationship building, more than dollars and cents. You have to build a strong foundation of reliability before you can expect to get people to just give you money, and that takes effort on the part of the people in need with documentation and record keeping and communication with the donors. 2. Accountability is not easy, it takes time and effort and is VERY important. The problem with GFM is that it makes it seem easy by cutting corners on the fundamentals. Folks do that at their own peril. You've gotten caught up in the downside. I've been there myself.

If you're a caring, generous, helping person, you will find that you rarely get the appreciation you deserve and often times the hypocrisy you get from people you have helped is very hard to swallow. My recommendation is try to detach and let it go. You are absolutely right to be upset and hurt. Try to remember that you did probably do some good, that not everyone it the world is jerky, and not let the jerky ones get you down. Just ignore the request, I have had to do the same myself. Move on to self-care, and time with those who do appreciate your efforts. The world is full of imperfect people. There are a lot of takers out there, and some of us givers are getting mighty tired. I hear it all the time almost wherever I go, caring, burned out people. BIG HUG!

Also never underestimate the impact kindness can have. Often with people who either can't or don't or won't acknowledge it at the time. It's not uncommon for teachers to get visits from some pain of a kid much later on, thanking them for what they did give at the time and apologizing for being such a pain. Does not always happen, but I'm putting that thought out there as one way of coping with the disappointment of one's helpful efforts seemingly being spurned, perhaps one can just give and hope for the best and let the big guy handle the rest. Guilt should not be part of your equation.

Many years ago we had a casual friend call us who had moved from our area a few years earlier. She had a husband who had had a good job here, but left when he got annoyed with his employer. They had two kids and much later a special needs baby. She said they were unemployed, the older kids were in college and they were losing their house, could we help. She also said she had a guaranteed source of money to pay us back in about 2 mos. I got the distinct impression that someone had counseled her to just reach out to anyone she ever knew to see if she could come up with any money. We gave her a couple thousand dollars, knowing we prob wouldn't get it back. At the time, we were doing well financially and I was just kind of horrified that her husband wasnt working at all and that she had to humiliate herself to ask people like us to bail them out. I am sure the husband thought he was too good for the jobs available and my opinion was he should have been working minimum wages if he had to, but regardless. So we never did get paid back despite a few calls explaining a delay in her funds. But the kicker was a couple mos later she asked if we could help more! There was another story of money coming in to repay. I think I gave her a small amount of money and said that was the end of our ability to help. I felt so badly for her that her life had turned so deperately upside down and she was a very nice gal whose husband and kids were just arrogant.

Yayagal may have something there. You could send the friend a note letting her know her email has been hacked, "because I know you'd never use email to ask for money for a personal disagreement with your ex".

Then send a fruit basket.

Rorah I just scrolled through hundreds of similar emails that are scams. I would suggest you forward it to this friend and ask her if she sent it. Dollars to donuts she didn't.

I don’t understand the suggestions of sending the fruit basket. If it were me I wouldn’t spend 1 cent of my hard earned money on her or spend another minute of my valuable time on trying to stick it to her. People like that feel entitled, don’t get “it” and aren’t worth the effort.

Yaya, I might agree with you but it’s hard if the email is true and she is indeed in the middle of a nasty divorce. Also, considering the fact that she bailed when as a friend her support would have been appreciated...honestly, that’s the part that I find to be more offensive. I mean, what kind of friend does that?

well they save cookies..main key words..in her case would be "lawyer", "divorce", etc
I know that whatever I write about-any language-I start getting suggestions based on key words.
I'm using gmail..all that google thing-very apt in picking just about everything about you.

Then if somebody indeed hacks an email-very easy to concoct some story that might fly.

Actually to me is somewhat more believable, than going about very sensitive matters like asking for money, and not only money but huge commitment that is attached to such promise, in email. Maybe I'm looking for the bright side here, benefit of the doubt. roarah knows more about her friend and her ways, than us.

I wouldn't respond to an email and especially if hacked. I'd rather call..or not. Depends.

I wouldn't send a fruit basket either, I thought it's tongue-in-cheek suggestion. When I can help and want to-why fruit basket? If I can't and don't want too-again, why fruit basket?

Your real friends will call or text if they need something and want to connect.

No, they won't TEXT. They'll call or send emails.

I know too many people without smart phones. Until I finally got a smart phone (I wanted the GPS functionality) I severely resented people who texted expecting texts back. And on top of that, older relatives often just haven't moved to either smart or dumb cell phones to begin with.

I thought the fruit basket suggestion was tongue-in-cheek, indicative of what's sent to people when you don't really know them well and can't think of a single other thing to send to them. It's sort of like saying, "Hey, I got you this out of obligation, but have no clue whether or not you actually like pears."

Thanks again for offering different points of view on this. It is not a scam, she writes of personal things including dates of her separation and she askes for funds sent to her directly not through an account. It might be a batch email, but my name is included in the greeting. I have decide to just leave it ignored and if she follows up in anyway about this request then I will not hold my tongue. I am assuming she will not readdress this but who knows.

roarah, I think you've gotten the best approach, at least seen from my corner of vision. Ignore, and if she follows up, let her know exactly why you won't do it. No guilt.

( Slapping forehead with hand). OHHHHH!!!!!

Thanks! I really didn’t get it!

Good plan Roarah!

I would def. not respond to that "friend." And to be honest, I would not respond to any GoFundMe request if I were not moved to do so, whatever the combination of factors.