I'm so sorry you're going through this with your daughter. We butted heads quite a bit with our daughter when she was 17 and 18, and she did think seriously about leaving home. I can't identify with all the problems you're having with her, but I can with some of them. I know it is a difficult time for you and your wife. I think it's hard to know how to give help unless we know why she's moved away from home and making the choices she's making. Do you know if it's a boyfriend issue, are alcohol or drugs involved? I think a lot of young people get derailed their first year of college. Most of my friends have college kids and my kids are in college. Here are my gut feelings, which could very well be wrong. First of all, if your daughter graduated number 3 in her class with a full ride scholarship, then just the difficulty of chemistry alone shouldn't have derailed her. In my experience, what usually happens is that the students who fare poorly don't go to class and don't do their work. Most college professors have office hours and possibly TA's with office hours, and many universities have free tutoring available. You'd think that intelligent young people who mess up their first year in college would straighten up, learn their lesson and get their work done. But it doesn't always work that way. Many of the young people I know who had problems went through all K-12 years of school never having to study. Some of them adjust and some drop out. It's really tough on their ego to go from having everything come so easily to having to study hard and get tutoring help. Your requirements for your daughter living at home are very reasonable. Again, I know students who give their parents flack about that kind of thing, but you're not asking for anything out of line at all. Re the part about the hydroplaning and the cell phones, I'd let that go. If she was getting straight A's and doing outstanding in school, you'd probably let it go. The problem of moving out and living with the other family is much worse. I do know other families who have had problems similar to yours, and at one time I was holding my breath afraid we'd be in your shoes. As parents of young adults, I and most of my friends try to walk a line between letting them make their mistakes and heading off any major disaster that would absolutely ruin our young adult's life. So you can't really drag her back home. If this was my daughter, I'd consider paying the cell phone. As long as she has a cell phone that you're paying for, you know she can call you in case of an emergency. I'd rather pay the bill and know my daughter can always call me. I'd also keep my daughter on my health insurance and if she needed birth control I'd pay for that. If I owned the title to her car I'd either pay the car insurance or take the car back. For everything else I'd just step back and let her pay her own way. I'd also let her know that I love her very much, and that if she wants to come back home and get help with paying for school, the door is open. Then I'd let her live her life and make her mistakes. Sounds like she's going to have to learn some things the hard way. All of this is assuming she doesn't have problems with drugs or alcohol. I know several young people who have done seemingly jaw-dropping, crazy things like your daughter. They just have to grow up; their parents can't magically fix it. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Hopefully you've raised her well and she'll circle back around to be the responsible young woman you've raised her to be. A dear friend of mine's daughter moved out a couple of years ago. During her first semester of college she met a guy, dropped out, went to live in a situation somewhat like you're describing. She's just now getting her life straightened out and moving back in with her parents. My last suggestion is this, and it's probably the most important one. Once a week, if your daughter will let you, take her out to dinner or to lunch. Mentally declare to yourself that during that time you won't discuss anything negative or ask her any questions. Let her talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Don't give advice or suggestions, just listen or keep to general chit chat. If it will help, let her know that's what you're going to do. Make sure you keep that connection open to her. During that lunch or dinner time don't ask her to come home or ask her how her grades are. When she leaves, tell her that you love her. Something's up with your daughter, and there's really no way for you to know what's going on for sure. She's 18 years old and she can walk away at any time. So keep a connection. If it turns out to be something like drugs or alcohol, you can intervene and get her some help. If she's just an 18 year old who has gone a little crazy and wants her independence, she'll just have to learn the hard way that independence isn't all it's cracked up to be. If she's abusing substances, then she probably hasn't done anything that can't be fixed. A lot of good parents go though what you're going through. Keep your marriage strong and step back and let your little girl fall on her face. That's my advice. You're not alone, and it does get easier. It's a shock when it first happens.

Drcindy, My SIL is facing a similar situation. Her brother is in his 40's and lives with their father (now in his late 70's)in another state. Tim is autistic enough to be a bit isolated socially, a poor judge of character, and financially naieve. He is highly functional at work and is considered a brilliant mechanic. He makes a nice living. He's able to take care of the basics...dressing, cooking, shopping, driving, paying bills and the like. We put together a family plan for him for that moment when his father dies or is too ill to live independently. Tim was involved in every stage of our discussion and planning. We will sell the house and buy him a condo with the proceeds. We prefer renting to buying because,no matter what, he'll always have a home and, hopefully, an asset that can work for him as he ages. We're not too worried about the homeowner maintenance problems because those exterior things like roofs, elevators, landscaping etc are taken care of the the HOA. He will have to replace appliances as they fail but we feel he can handle those purchases with a little long-distance help from us. We didn't want him to be frustrated by the slow service that rental maintenance often provides. We have targeted buildings in Florida (where he lives) and Virginia (where we live) that have 24/7 front desk staff and inhouse maintenance. Yes, they have more expensive condo fees but we feel that having a socially active HOA, a staff he can get to know, and a staff engineer for in-condo repairs will provide a sense of community for him. It also provides us points of contact that we can get to know. Finally, my SIL will have a durable financial power of attorney to conduct complex financial matters on his behalf. That ensures part of his paycheck will go to his retirement, part to savings, taxes paid, insurance kept current etc. She'll be able to help him work through the financial details of his life. We have set up a small trust for the money he inherited from his mother and any future large sums that come his way. My SIL is his trustee. She's been preparing for this a long time and as her family, Tim's our family so we're grateful they let us help. Good Luck

AAACK!!! Arkansasgardenboy I love talking with you so much, I really do!!! You are my all-time favorite gardenweb poster! But please please think about WHY welfare rolls are so small! They have five year limits. For everyone. I am totally supportive of the goal of getting people off welfare. I believe that every one of these work training and childcare assistance programs is so extremely valuable. But the fact is that as welfare rolls are shrinking, food banks and homeless shelters are taking in the slack, and their rolls are increasing exponentially. The rolls shrink because families hit the lifetime limit, and there are NO other options for them. They turn to private charities and homelessness. I don't think that it is good for the government to encourage dependency. But I would rather see a certain amount of dependency (which costs us very, very little, taxwise) than see women and chldren homeless and hungry. Anyone would. And that is the only option that welfare reform has given us. You know that many of the recipients who found employment during the ABSOLUTELY UNPRECEDENTED economic boom that took place during the first years of welfare reform, were working for temp agencies, who switched them from job to job with fluctuating hours. Now that they are being laid off, many are not even eligible for a normal amount of unemployment compensation due to their random patterns of employment. What does a laid-off single mom do when she gets no unemployment and she has reached her lifetime limit of welfare? There is no one in this world that I would punch in the face if given the chance, except for Tommy Thompson. Here is a link that might be useful: http://www.lrna.org/league/PT/PT.2001.02/PT.2001.02.9.html

And to marie always: I have been on both sides of the coin and you have to understand that there are incredible abuses going on with custodial mothers and how the CS gets spent. I didn't abuse it and it doesn't sound like you have, and I realize that many men are extremely obnoxious about CS; however, there is a case to be made here. My husbands ex-wife for a period of 5+ years received $2,500/month in CS for 2 children (as well as a a $200k+ settlement - not awarded by the court but by my generous husband) and the children were not be clothed or fed. Shelter was questionable as well. During this time the CM was going on trips and leaving the children behind. They were/are placed on free meal programs at school and are rarely fed breakfast before school. And yes we did pursue custody.