It's already been said a few times but, he's an adult.

If he doesn't act like one, maybe you should start treating him like one.

Require that he pay rent. Work full time or go to college full time.

I understand I can't control what he does when he's out etc etc...but no one has answered what good reason he should be out all night??

No, there is no really good reason, but that is something that the age finds fun and exciting to do (even if they are just hanging out).

Since he is living at home it is reasonable to be sure that he is not disturbing or disrupting your tranquility. If you worry too much while he is out, or you truly feel that he is immature for his age so not ready to be out on his own, discuss it with him and ask him to be respectful of the support that you are giving him. Make sure that I isn't an issue of you not wanting to let go.

It is a gray area, you will just have to work together to find a compromise.

ETA: if the staying out is involving drinking or pot, then I would NOT be okay with that and would have to be much more assertive about it.

Elmer and Rob333 make some good points

Always, ask him what he is doing and YOU can decide if it is a good reason or not.

If he treats you with such disrespect that he can't honestly answer your question, it is time to start treating him like an adult.

This takes me back to the final year of HS. Although my DD's very rarely stayed out all night, they did come in fairly late. But, this was on weekends, and they would be going away to college in the fall.

We felt that they had to become responsible for managing their own time because in a matter of months, they would be away from home and doing just that.

That said, once in a while they did sleep over at a friends. And friends slept by us. But for the most part it was just very late nights out.

In our town, there are designated (by the kids, of course) hang outs. The local town park was one. Then, there were a few eateries in the next town that were open late into the night.

Yes, I am they hung at a friend's home as well.

Step, you need to sit him down and ask HIM why? What reason can he come up with?

I think I agree with Elmer on one point. If he is not going to school full time, he needs to be working full time. And, if he can't get one full time job, than two part time ones.

He's says they are just hanging out. And yes he is disturbing my tranquility and his sisters. I work full time and she's up early for school. I don't need to be woken up hearing him come in at all hours. Right now, he's allowed to stay out 2 nights. And don't come home "because you changed your mind" about spending the night at so n so's...I'm hoping he'll burn himself out...but I am a tired AF. And yes, he can sleep all day because his work hours vary.

Most reasons are not going to be reasons you think are good reasons. But to him they will be good reasons. I want to spend time with my friends, they can stay out all night why can't I, girlfriend, etc.

He's says the are "just hanging out"..."they aren't doing anything bad"...but yes, he is disturbing my tranquility...I work full time and his sister is up early for school...I'm tired AF. I don't need him coming in all hours of the night waking my up. He can sleep in, his work hours vary. He was way too much time on his hands...I agree, he needs either 1 full time or 2 part time jobs...

This takes me back to when my DD's were in HS. They rarely stayed out all night, but did stay our very late on the weekends.

Since both were going to college in the fall, it was important to us that they learn to manage and be responsible for their own time as they would be doing it away from us at college. It was recommended that they have this freedom BEFORE going away.

Our town has a few local hang outs. The town park is one. There are a few well frequented (by the teen crowd) eateries in the next town that are open into the night.

And, of course they hung out a friend's home.

I agree with raee. It's what kids do at that age.

The choices are: Socialize. Probably drink, and maybe smoke pot.

To get your answer though, you need to sit down DS and ask him.

My only suggestion is that a part time job doesn't cut it. I agree with Elmer. He needs a full time job or two part time ones until he figures out what he wants to do.

I would also look into various trade school programs.

I would be curious to who he is hanging out with? Did his circle all go to community college, and are they still going? Or, is he now with a different crowd?

Any good reason you can think of that a 19 yr old boy who lives at home with parent needs to out all night with friends??

For sex. He may think it is perfectly OK but not want to have 'friends with benefits' at your place, so he goes to theirs.

He says they are just handing out, not doing anything bad. And yes he is disturbing the household/my tranquility coming in at all hours. I work full time and his sister is up early for school. He can sleep in because his hours vary. I'm tired AF and stressed out...for what?? Because he wants to stay out late?? I agree 100% work or school or both part time. I'm trying to give him a place to make his way, go to school or work etc but he definitely is not motivated...

At what age do you think he should start behaving in a responsible manner? Do you worry that he's developing a lifestyle choice which will be difficult to change when he ages out of boyhood status?

I can think of no reason why a young, non-working adult would be out all night, other than partying (drinking, drugs, sex). If he's crashing all night at a friend's house, perhaps it's because he doesn't want to drive wasted.

Regardless, you have a right to ask for more details, in my opinion. You consider him a boy, he's living like a boy in your home, he has a boy's lifestyle....a boy should still report in to mom.

He's not a boy. He's an adult. He shouldn't have to be playing that doing a sleepover card. Adult men don't do slumber parties of that sort anyway. LOL

Out of courtesy he should try and let you know not to expect him home when possible but otherwise his privacy about his life is his to decide.

Sorry, but I believe you are missing a valuable teaching moment by not charging him rent to live there. It’s understandable that you want to give him a leg up while he’s working and going to school, but if he doesn’t want to continue with school than he needs to get on with the business of supporting himself. Even if you charge him 100/mo rent and 50/mo for food and secretly put it into a savings account for him, he will learn a valuable lesson. My father used to say that nothing in life is free, it’s all a negotiation and it’s true. Go to school in exchange for room and board, no school, then work and pay to live. And...while living under your roof, he has to live by your rules. Be fair but make sure that there are rules and expectations. It will pay off for him in the end.

Lucille nailed it. That or alcohol/drugs.

At any age, why is one out all night? Although, living in your home he should inform you when he is planning not to come home.

My mother was visiting me and went out with a friend...didn't come home until after 1am! This was before cell phones. And when she came in I was standing there in all my 25-year-old indignity asking "and just WHERE have you been until this hour?" Seriously, I was worried!

In another real case, one summer I was living at home and working odd/late hours, and my parents were away for several weeks, and there had been a rash of burglaries, so they got house-sitters from the local seminary. Well, one night after work I went out with friends and we all decided to sleep over at one girl's house. We were all 19-22 years old. The next day at work I got a call from a relative, the house-sitters had been so concerned that I had never come home.

The only GOOD reasons to be out all night are working, or writing a research paper at Denny's (we used to do that, lots of coffee and a safe, well-lit environment.)

But whatever, he should let you know.

I have one more thing to add to the already good advice you've received. He lives in your house and he should abide by your rules. You set the rules and stick to them. Set a curfew of X time. If he's not going to be home by that time, he should let you know 30 minutes before hand that he won't be home.....and he should plan to stay elsewhere.

If he doesn't like it, he should find a new place to live and give him a deadline to move out.

I no longer lived at home when I was 19 so what I did and when was no one's business except mine. And that was back before 18 was considered to be an adult. But my daughter still lived at home at 19, worked part time and attended community college. And while she was able to maintain both of those practices, she received free room and board and was allowed to make her own hours (calling if she was not expected to return that night or if later than she had expected). She was only out all night a couple of times, supposedly just with 'the girls', but she did let us know and we accepted that.

I would never impose a curfew on a 19 year old!! IME, the more one allows a fully grown child to accept responsibility, the more responsibility they take on and the more 'adult' they become. Setting curfews and having to abide by 'house rules' for where you are and at what time and doing what just encourages a reaction against those arbitrary restrictions.

Perhaps your son is staying out all night because he is resentful of being treated too much as a child? Just a thought for consideration..........

btw, a 19 y.o. does not need to stay out all night to drink, take drugs, involve in sex or get up to other nefarious activities. If they are so inclined, all of those can be easily accomplished in broad daylight!!!

Let's consider the alternatives - he's out late bringing food to homeless people and refugees and protecting them from attack. Or, he has a sex and drug club and he spends his time doing things you don't want to know about. Does it matter why he's coming home late, it disturbs you all the same.

I think you should turn this around- make it about you, not about him. Tell him that his late night returns disturb your sleep for work. Suggest a rule - assuming he knows or can be told your work schedule, the rule is that he needs to be home by 11:00pm (or whatever your bedtime) on your work nights. If not, no need to come home, the door will be latched and he won't be able to get in. That's an early curfew for your convenience 5 nights of the week (or however many days you work), and later times for the remainder. Get earplugs and close your door. I'll bet this works.

You're suffering because of not being strict enough with him and I suspect that reaches other areas too. Including allowing him to have a less than full time work or school schedule. Young people of his age should be busy 16+ hours a day preparing themselves for their lives, whether it's school, vocational training, or full time work, or a combination. If he doesn't like the rules, he can make other living arrangements.

It's a tough balance to strike with kids between the needed supervising of what they do versus allowing them the privacy they're entitled to. However, a 19 year old is past that stage. Much as a mom or dad would love to know what they're up to, that's inappropriate to ask about. You can't control his conduct, it's too late for that.

Both our children were given the same choices when they graduated from high school. They could:

1) Go to college or a trade school and we would provide a place to live and help with tuition. The "house rules" would continue as prior to graduation, which were home by 11:00 on week nights, home by 3:00 am on the weekend. Home for dinner or 24 hours advanced notice that they would not be there for dinner. No overnight guests.

2) They could continue to live in our home and pay rent. No meals would be provided and there would be no curfews. No overnight guests would be permitted.

3) They could move out.

DS took the get out route because he was sure our rent was "over market" and we were "unreasonable" to expect him not to bring home female companions. Well, 3 months later, he asked if he could talk privately with DH & I and he wanted to know if the 3 choices offered when he graduated still stood. We said of course. He moved home, found a new job as he had lost his other one from no showing too many times and attended trade school. Now he owns a place and is a responsible 28 yr old.

DD, after watching her brother, decided to just stay home in the first place and go to college. She now has her BSN and is returning to school for her Masters.

Both of them rarely stayed out to anything close to the curfews, as they both found getting to work/school difficult if they stayed out.

Young adults learn by having expectations set and being given the opportunity to fail.

"I would be curious to who he is hanging out with? Did his circle all go to community college, and are they still going? Or, is he now with a different crowd?"

This is a huge part of it. When he first started going to CC, he asked if I thought he'd be able to transfer to a 4 yr college...I told him of course he could if he worked hard enough. That question I knew stemmed from influence of those friends who had also started CC at the same time....Now he's hanging out with other "young adults" that don't have much going for them. So that is his new "standard"...which sucks.

On another thread here on Gardenweb...someone posted a saying "show me your friends and I'll show you your future".....that's what I'm sort of afraid of.

Oh, since he is disrupting both your and his sister's sleep, you need to lay down the law! That can't be tolerated, especially since you are supporting him while he makes no progress toward a career or education. It is disrespectful and he should know better by now.

And that was back before 18 was considered to be an adult

In my part of the country, when I graduated from HS (1972), 18 was definitely considered an adult, and although not everyone was ready to be an adult -- most were. The trend lately though seems to be to consider a young person to be a "child" until well into their early 20s.

My house, my rules.

He needs to find an apartment.

No, he doesn't "need" to stay out all night, he just wants to do so. I strongly advise him to look into vocational programs, which might be more his cup o' tea. You're in for a tough battle and now you get to lay down the law. Maybe some mom-lessons in personal finance? He truly may not know how much $ it takes to survive these days. Have a good sit-down with him when he's in a good mood.

I've known quite a few young men who were very much into video games and all night tournaments. He could also have a GF or someone he likes within a group and hangs out with them. My parents never gave me a curfew but I was expected home at night-if I was going to late enough to concern them I just had to let them know where I was and who I was with, With texting he could discreetly do that. It wouldn't solve your sleep issue though. As long as you don't suspect drinking or drugs, I'm sure you can come to some sort of agreement Sit down and discuss it.

Would prefer a 19 year old (actually any age) stay somewhere vs. driving home intoxicated, just to "be home."

Yes, "stay out all night" if it keeps you alive and out of my trauma resuscitation room.

Always, I thought that might be the case. This is unfortunate, but not all hope is lost.

For some kids, they don't get it right, right out of the gate.

As I suggested up thread and as others have agreed, look into a vocational program.

What does he like to do? This isn't about him staying out late, it's about him trying to have something to fill up his time.

These are the choices, either get into a vocational program or get a full time job.

Lisa, I would be surprised if drinking was not involved.

It is very difficult to criticize your child's friends. But, you might have to be blunt and say you aren't happy with his social choices.

"show me your friends and I'll show you your future".....that's what I'm sort of afraid of

Start with that.

Raee, I agree. There are lots of article written on the topic of how long it takes for this generation to mature.

mdln: if he was really staying over at someones house that would be fine. So it's not as you state. They are literally out on the streets all night....as I call it "running the streets". He has one friend who his dad moved away for work and the kid was basically left here to fend for himself. He supposedly stays at a friends house (I think his dads friend) so he has no where he has to be and the other kids he's hanging out, I guess don't have to be home or they are doing the same and saying they are staying elsewhere and really aren't.

I've seen how whatever friends he's hanging with have an influence on him...good and now bad. Good friend...telling him they should save money to buy a place a rental property...going and working out with same friend...actually saving money for dream rental. `This was the one friend going to CC and probably encouraging son he could transfer to a 4 yr college too.

Don't see much that these other friends are offering.

I've pretty much been biting my tongue and letting son "make his bed" as they say.

Besides dropping community college, his friend wrecked his car so he no longer has a car and he just lost his job of over a year, due to no show 2 days...I really don't know what this kid is thinking. I've shed many tears....but I know all I can do is let him bottom out at this point. In about a week, he'll have NO money...maybe that will finally hit him that he's f'd….I don't know. So yes I'm tired...mentally and physically...

Define ‘good reason’. Midnight movie premiers and showings of cult classics don’t start until midnight. Love? The object of his affection works 2nd shift and he wants to see them after? We used to go out and decorate classmates cars with balloons and cards (yeah, really...we were, um, interesting kids, but really nice ones!). All night diners are the stuff of friendship gold. Once in a lifetime shows and concerts that don’t start until 10. It’s all just hanging out, and the vast majority of 19 year olds are doing it. If he’s disturbing you, address that. If you’re concerned about his friends, well, you can address that but be prepared for him to not take that well. If you are worried about his maturity and school/work choices, address that. None of those things have anything to do being out late, which can be and is done by responsible, non druggie, virgin 19 year olds every day.

I would put a GPS tracker on his car.

Don't let him get too deep into that bed making. Now is the time to save him, in a good way. Tell him you understand about the good friend and see that he can have some, but remind him, the bad friends can ruin his life. Is it worth the risk? You're right, he's a kid. But the law won't see it that way and anything he does now can be very lasting. Please don't let it get too far. My heart goes out to you.

He's an adult now. If he's working and paying room and board he has the right to come and go as he pleases. I told my kids that from the get go: As long as you pay rent and I'm not paying your bills, it's your life to do as you please. Just let me know that you aren't going to be home so I don't worry and so I don't cook extra for supper.

Would he be into a grown up conversation about goal setting? That is, sitting him down for a convo without recriminations, just a "let's talk about your life". See if he can write down where he sees himself in 5 /10 years and get him to set some steps for him to get there. Let him take the lead.

I know you asked only about why he would be out so please feel free to ignore the above, but it seems that this is a symptom of a bigger issue.

And remember that kids can be listening even while rolling their eyes and trying to leave the table. Hang in there - he's worth it and you're a good momma for trying.

my computer won't let me edit: I wanted to add that at 18 I was living alone and raising a child. I didn't have to report to anyone. And I'm so glad!!! I think todays parents helicopter their children too much. If you set good examples for your kids and taught them right from wrong, odds are good they'll be good. I had one kid who gave me grey hair but we kept drilling into his head where he was making his mistakes. It took a few years of wanting to punch him upside the head for being stubborn for him to realize we were right, but we had to let him make those mistakes. He's now the father of the most awesome 5 year old Ever! And doing a fantastic job of it. We didn't tell our kids what to do after they were 18. We offered advice. It was then left up to them whether or not they wanted to take that advice.

GIving advice can often be construed as being told what to do so how those messages are received will be child(adult) dependent and how the message is sent.

And I would never let my child, even as an adult, hit rock bottom just as I wouldn't let my spouse hit rock bottom and he wouldn't let me.

Fenton: All of his decisions has put him exactly where he's at. I offer advice, his father offers advice. But ultimately it's his move. I can only offer so much support and I certainly can do it for him. It kills me so see him nose diving but he's doing it to himself.

"Don't let him get too deep into that bed making. Now is the time to save him, in a good way. Tell him you understand about the good friend and see that he can have some, but remind him, the bad friends can ruin his life. Is it worth the risk? You're right, he's a kid. But the law won't see it that way and anything he does now can be very lasting. Please don't let it get too far. My heart goes out to you"

Thank you Robb. Yes, this is pretty much where I'm at. I'll let him run out of his last 100 bucks and then I'll sit down with him and offer to help him make a plan...I know he thinks he's fine...has a few bucks still and can still go and hang out with friends and have money to eat etc etc. I'm sure he thinks he'll land a job with these applications he's filing out...I know my kid, he's not trying too hard.....but soon that will end and he'll be dead broke.

Sorry, I didn't mean for my last sentence to come across as being thoughtless but I think it did.

Maybe now it's just letting him know that you're there for him. Maybe it's just every day telling him you love him (even though you don't like what he's doing) and you're there to talk if he wants and giving him a hug and telling him to be safe.

Some kids have a very straight planned out path from the time they're 16 or 17 in terms of education and career (our youngest) and other times they take a very windy road to get there (our oldest). Once my kids graduated from high school my hope for them was that by the time they reached 30 they would have finished their schooling and be in a job or career that they were happy with and that they were somewhat settled. It may or may not happen overnight.

I know words of comfort won't help you sleep at night with this kind of worry.

I'm with you! Well, similarly. My son refused to straighten out his financial aid before he left for school. I know it's an onerous process that's hard to understand, but not doing all the steps can be hazardous to your education ;)

I went to visit him last month for his birthday and the one thing I MADE him do was walk with me there and they gladly helped him through whatever he was missing. Most of it apparently. Still ran out of his own money! He worked all summer at a paid internship and it's gone. All of it. So now he has to get financial aid fully straight to finish paying for the semester, and no more going to the local stop and rob to get milkshakes. Guess he'll get it worked out ahead of time next semester. Learning the "higher mistakes" (jobs, finances, homes, etc) are harder to let them do.

We love our babies (sometimes to their detriment. It's a really hard line).

I have three sons, one of the hardest things I've ever done is tell my youngest son he had to move out. After several years of up and downs with him, one night he never came home, I was scared to death driving around the next morning looking for his car. Finally he walked in the door, I was relieved he was alive but angry and screaming at him. I removed myself from the situation for several hours, then lovingly and calmly told him he needed to move out, I think I gave him five days. It was very difficult, but knowing it was the right thing gave me confidence to stay the course.

After he moved out, we rarely spoke, his brothers kept me informed how he was doing. I called him inviting him to thanksgiving and Christmas, he'd decline, I'd politely hang up then cry. One time I called him inviting him over for dinner, I was surprised he accepted, over time he was part of our family again. The end of the story is he has told us our kicking him out was the best thing we did for him.

I can understand going out on the weekends, but, not every night during the week.

I would get a bunch of brochures re: technical/vocational training. Understand that this does not have to be the end all, but an interim until he finds his way. Many of us have changed careers.

You are in a different place than most of us here. Although we went through it, our kids were heading off to college. There was an end in sight so to speak.

Both you and DH need to sit down with him and figure out a plan. The current one, or lack there of, is not working.

Time to cut the apron strings. If hes old enough to go into the military he doesn't need a curfew, nor does he need to explain himself.

He has a job. I take it isn't enough for him to live on his own though. Maybe he could exchange rent for chores at home.

As long as he isnt breaking the law, I see no reason to subject him to hours.

If hes old enough to go into the military he doesn't need a curfew, nor does he need to explain himself. - Amazing Aunt Audrey

This is something that I have never understood when people say this. When one enters the military you follow more rules, you sure aren't allowed to stay out overnight (I believe that's called AWOL), you do exactly as your superiors tell you to do, you make your bed, you wear a uniform, you are taught to respect everyone and you sure do explain yourself.

What, you think that everyone who goes into the military already knows this stuff and easily does it? I doubt it.

So, why isn't it ok for a parent to expect the same from their child, adult or not as the military does. That statement is letting those kids off who can't be bothered to follow their parents guidelines

I agree Blfenton. Reining in the kids is one of the hardest job a parent has to do.

Each family has to work out what is right for them. With us, it was the weekends that became sticky. Glad I am done with that.

I do like Arcy's, "sorry my sleep is vital" explanation as a way to kick off the conversation.

If he is living in my home and my son he should only be out all night if he is working or in the hospital.

I think the military age comparison isn’t so much about the daily routine and responsibility of the individual- it’s about when we consider a person an adult. At 18 you can, all on your own without any input from your parents, sign up for a job that might kill you. If you are old enough to make that decision, you are old enough to decide when to go to bed.

And you are old enough to do that from some bed that doesn't belong to me. This is the crux of the matter. At this point this young man is taking advantage of his family. He has been told his life style is disruptive to the rest of the family. He is not paying his own way and besides a family home is not an apartment building. The owners have every right to have expectations for those who live there regardless of whether or not they pay rent. It is called responsibility and courtesy. Not holding him responsible is not a good lesson. Age has nothing to do with it.

You wrote:He's been working for the last year...started community college but petered out...so I told he if he's not going to school he needs to work more hours. He can always go back to school when he's ready to make the effort. He's responsible to pay his own insurance and gas but nothing like rent or expenses for the house.

Until he's working full time and paying some rent, doing his own laundry, cleaning the house, paying a good part of the food bill and electrical bill, no he should not be out all not. Once he's working 50 or so hours a week and paying up, he should be able to stay out on weekends.

You are not a hotel operator, you are not a maid