Commiseration. I'm farther along than you in my situation (edited for clarity). My mom can no longer drive. She went from vibrant and going wherever she wanted to stuck in her house and does nothing now all in one year. This past month, she has added dementia to the mix. It's very hard, being close to someone and watching their demise, wanting so much to have back the vibrant person and being helpless to stop the progression. My siblings and I take turns doing what needs to be done that we want to do, or don't mind doing. Get your brother to do things he doesn't mind doing to help take things off. If he doesn't mind getting her to appointments or picking up groceries, then, that'll be his thing. She'll want to see him too, so find a way if you can. It's hard, I know it! But just know you have friends and family who can listen and help. Vent every once in awhile (sorrow or anger) and love her while you can. You're doing it right, it just sucks.

I'm 100% with Rob's advice here. My folks both passed at relatively young ages and I did care for them through illness. Do what you can while you can and get others to help with some things as much as possible. Find some time for yourself and love your mom unconditionally.

There are many of us out here that have been or are going through the same so vent here if it helps.

If you think that the being rude is a change in behaviour maybe have her checked for Alzheimers/dementia. I won't go into my situation with my mom as I've done so here before but changes in behaviour can be a sign.

I wish you all the best, it's an emotionally tough road dealing with and caring for aging parents.

Idea for going out to restaurants, perhaps -- take with you a small something she can eat while waiting for her order, like a bread roll or a few crackers. Or ask the wait person to bring bread immediately for your mom.

These are very difficult situations.

We also have a parent whose 3-year old like behavior in restaurants has resulted in our not taking her to restaurants anymore. The person is mentally competent and lives independently but has accumulated a number of off-putting habits and is unwilling to be more considerate about them when with others. We (and her other children) have tried to explain that her voluntary "baggage" limits what we can do for her, she's okay with that.

I feel sorry for you and your mother. A person who has COPD, a bad chronic cough and yet continues to smoke needs to be bugged incessantly until she sees the light. Or, she can continue and cut short her life and limit her ability to enjoy it. That's so very sad. Good luck

These days an entire takeout dinner can be delicious and reasonable. It may be that your Mom might be just as happy at her home with you your brother and a takeout.

See if your Mom can be persuaded to let you go along on a Dr visit, and without tattling bring up the subject of smoking and health and try to get a sense of whether and how much the smoking battle needs to be fought.

I agree about having her checked for dementia especially the Frontal Lobe type. But along with that you need to talk her into a POA. You can suggest one that only starts when her doctor states she is unable to care for herself. Called a Limited POA for medical and financial.

Scope out restaurants that have separate dining areas for groups. Speak to the manager about using it. Wait staff will need to be assigned but the manager would probably prefer having her in that room rather than disturbing other patrons.

A thing about the smoking. Both my parents were smokers. For some long term smokers the substances that are in cigarettes can act similar to albuterol inhalers. My mom seemed to be one of that type and you could tell by her energy level after a cigarette that it made a difference. My dad it did not make a difference. Your mother should have one of these inhalers with her at all times and when she starts coughing is the time to use it. It is probably not something she is doing to embarrass you but to be able to breath.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I have difficult aging parents as well, that are most likely going to cost me my relationship with my SO, and it sucks. I wish I had answers for you.

Elmer - I think that's the kindest response I have ever gotten from you - Thank you!

blfenton- this is not new behavior, she is just more vocal recently, she used to whisper the same things, lol!

Lucille - she loves going out to eat in restaurants, she would not be satisfied to do take out. I go to some of her appointments with her, she would kill me if I brought up her smoking!

A comment on Elmer's comment which I am aware most will not agree. Having spent a lot of time in nursing homes the last couple of years and having so far a mild form of COPD/hardening of the lungs. If I smoked and had a worse form of COPD the last thing I would want to do is add years to my life.

You all are more helpful with your responses than you realize. It truly helps to know you are not alone.

Im sorry, Lisa. It can be very difficult to take care of aging parents who are in a decline. All of our parents are gone now, but I do remember those years.

I am so sorry that this is happened to you and your mother. Like others here, I have had to deal with an aging parent and her personality changes. I think restaurants may be becoming to difficult for all concerned. It doesn't sound as though she is enjoying the restaurants so there is no need to feel guilty by not going. Perhaps a special meal at home would be more enjoyable with a favorite dish. Maybe a weekly special dinner? It would be wonderful if we could get our loved ones to quit smoking for the sake of their health. But it has to be their decision and I don't see that happening here. You can only do so much with another adult especially when you reach strong resistance. Enlist your brother to do as much as he can.

Remember to be kind to yourself also, this can be so stressful.

I would leave her alone about the smoking. Concentrate on what you can do. My MIL had Alzheimer's and yes the changes can be a sign of that. No one in the family knew how bad it was until my FIL died suddenly. She was just very quiet and he had covered up how confused she was. She couldn't stay in her home by herself, anyone else's home, or even assisted living. She had to go to a Memory Care Unit. It was very hard at first, because she was so suspicious of all the nurses and aides and very fearful. After about a month or so, she got to love it and the people. She called her room her apartment (Her Mom and Dad had moved to an apartment).

https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/stages

Yes, to a power of attorney, very important.

Could you call ahead to the restaurant you plan on going to and have an appetizer ready for you?

The doctor should be able to give her something to stop the cough.

Good luck and best wishes. This is always a learn as you go. My BIL was the one who was only about a mile away and took care of most of it, but my husband went down at least once a week and always tried to help as much as he could. I went a lot until it got to where too many at a time confused her. She sometimes thought my BIL was her husband.

Sherry - thats a great idea about the appetizer. I will definitely mention that as an option to her tomorrow, when we go to one of favorite restaurants for French Onion Soup! Yup, she just texted me and asked what I am doing tomorrow, lol

Lisa, my mom was around 75 when one day I commented that she had been rather rude to the gal at the salon. Mom retorted "I've been nice for over 70 years, I don't have to be "nice" any more."

Now she's 94 1/2 and moved to memory care this year. I'd give anything to have that 75-year-old mom back. It's the start of aging for you, and I agree: get the POA and medical POA before an ICU nurse asks you who is the POA and you say "I am" then wonder if you ever got it signed, and "where the heck is it". I carry POAs for both my parents in my wallet at all times after that happened.

Also, if you can, start going to more appointments with your mom and keep track of her meds, what/how much she takes and when (and who prescribes them) and be sure the doctor's list always matches yours. Also keep track of what she STOPS taking and why, that can be good information later.

You all are more helpful with your responses than you realize. It truly helps to know you are not alone.

That goes both ways. Thank you for starting this thread.

bpath - I do have a good relationship with her PCP and the receptionists are very good about keeping me in the loop if any meds are added/dropped/changed. I have a list I keep in my purse. I will try to go to more appointments with her, I just try to save my PTO days for an emergency...but, I will see if she can start scheduling more around my work schedule when possible. And that comment your 70 yo Mom said sounds EXACTLY like what mine would say, lol!

As far as the POA, I am not so sure she is open to that yet. She likes to think she is very independent and wouldn't appreciate me suggesting that quite yet.

You are so fortunate to be able to spend so much time with your mother. At 73, she is relatively young. It is too bad that she has health issues. I know you realize that quitting smoking will most likely improve her health, and she most likely knows this too, Unfortunately she, for whatever reason, prefers to smoke. I am sure that must be frustrating for you. Some things are not in your control now. You need to make the best of it and balance your life as a daughter with lots of time for yourself. As for your brother, your mother wants to see him too. He needs to figure out how he can be in her life too. It is hard, but he has to face it.

As for the POA- one for health and finances. Your mother needs a living will and a regular will, and you need to have a copies. Perhaps starting out the conversation by giving her something to read that explains the benefits of having these in place. In discussion it might be persuasive to tell her that it is best to do these things now rather than in the throes of emergency or be without if something happens. My MIL was amenable to these arguments.

I have been lucky. My mother lived a full independent life right up to the end at 93 years old when she died unpacking groceries after a trip to the supermarket.

My husband and I seized an opportunity for my MIL to live in an assisted living residence when she was no longer taking good care of herself and had an incident which landed her in a hospital. We never took her back to her home and miraculously she has never asked about it. She lived independently up until then and was adamant about remaining in her home. She is 102 now and thinks she is in a resort.

This forum is a wonderful place to share the good and challenges in our lives.

She may not, but my FIL decided all on his own that he was taking too many pills. So...., he just stopped taking some of them. Not all of them and not always the same ones. No one knew until he just mentioned it to my husband and me one time we were visiting. We were chatting and he said yeah, I think I have too many pills, so I just don't take them all. My BIL (or the doctor) didn't know until we tattled on him.

Address the POA as something that can be used in the future which is why I suggested the limited one. She can see that it only works when she is not capable of doing things like paying the bills. Perhaps the suggestion that she would not have to "worry" about the bills could make her more willing to put it into effect right now. Even though you or someone may be paying them on line already stress to her that you can not talk to the companies if there is a problem with the billing. Currently working on a problem with our electric company that I could not have addressed if I did not have legal right to do so.

Be aware that if she does not sign a POA and she becomes incapable of managing herself or her affairs you can go to court and be declared her guardian, takes care of her, and conservator, takes care of her money. Expensive but only legal way after a person can not handle things. Of course the county that she lives in can be appointed what is called an "Administrator" then the whole family has no say in what happens. They may suggest but it is up to the county to do what they want.

102?? Holy crap. Seriously don’t know how I would live through another 15 years of this. I know I know...it’s a terrible way to feel. But I’m nearing retirement age - never in a million years thought I’d be dealing with this stuff at my age. If my mom was a different personality, it would be a different story. I’m the only sibling here, the rest live states away. And they are thankful for that.

Your situation is, in some ways, so much like our situation with my dear MIL. Just this summer we moved her to an independent living apartment in a senior community as it became obvious that she was no longer capable of living in her home. Like your mother, she can be very outspoken when something is not to her liking. I her case, it is related to the dementia, and certainly not the "real" person. Prior to taking her somewhere, either DH or I will gently remind her of appropriate behaviors in public. Usually the reminder will stick long enough to enjoy a dinner or other social function with out her drawing unwanted attention. All I can say is enjoy you mother and overlook the other stuff. Loved ones are gone too soon to create hard feelings and stress. Make sure you take care of yourself and allow "venting" whenever you need to.

Do the best you can, take needed breaks for yourself, and try to be tolerant. No matter how disruptive, difficult, demanding or (fill in the blank) your mom is --- just know - when she is gone, you will miss her like crazy. There is nothing on this earth like a mother's love.

Has her hearing been checked? My sister would talk loud due to needing hearing aids and DM starts talking louder when she's not wearing hers.

Keeping an eye on her meds as you are doing is such a good idea and also make yourself aware of the side effects of them My mom has some issues with dizziness and is on medication for it. When she was first diagnosed with Alzeimers she was put on a trial to slow the effects of the disease and one of the side effects of the medication was dizziness. The doctor balanced the two meds as well as she could but at some point the dizziness was getting worse and falls were a very real likelihood. We took her out of the trial and the dizziness improved.

POA - I, and others, can't stress enough how important having one is for ease of dealing with financial and medical matters. What if she were to have a stroke tomorrow?, what if she is diagnosed with Alzheimers next month and is deemed to be incapable of making her own decisions, you will be in for a nightmare especially if you can't access her funds if she is no longer able to sign cheques or agree to paying bills you will be paying her bills yourself.

I know some children have a difficult time bringing these subjects up with their parents But I never did. I just explained to my mom that having it would protect her and me from having someone else interfere in her personal business - i.e. the government. She couldn't sign the thing fast enough.

I agree with not bugging incessantly until she sees the light - that will make her more determined to smoke. But you might want to keep in mind that it can be extremely difficult to find a continuing care retirement community or other facility that will take a smoker.

Would she try NicoDerm or Chantix or other drug to help her stop?

I am like your mother. An old bag that has lost her patience, says what she wants, and sometimes embarrasses her family. Truth is I dont realize it at the time. Then when it is later pointed out to me, I become depressed. Old age is a bitch. We hate it. We have become people we dont know at all! We are sick, hurt all over, have doubled our weight, lost hair, gained wrinkles, and have forgotten half of our life. This is hard to take, yes, it makes us angry. That's who the new person is. I am not making excuses just giving you the facts.

My daughter tells me not to worry about anything. Shes just happy I am still here with her. She said she will deal with any of the bad stuff when I'm gone. Right now she loves the good times.

My mom is 101. She has issues with her memory but not all that bad. She’s still in her home thanks to my son and me. Sometimes I really resent the responsibility, but you do what you have to do. I’m not young either and never thought I’d be so tied down during my retirement years.

Wish I had some suggestions for you. I’d definitely skip the restaurant.

About the Power of Attorney: have you discussed it with your siblings? are you all in general agreement? would one of them be able to take the lead in researching your state laws, finding a lawyer, etc? Would any of you want to go through the process with your mom -- that is, also get a POA to cover future unforeseeable events? (me, my husband, siblings and spouses all updated our wills and POA's in the past few years, as part of transition into retirement. It's not a bad thing at all to be prepared. As pointed out above, you can do it now or you can deal with the government later....)

As for everything else ... relax about what outsiders think, and take care of yourself too. Sounds like you and your mom have a loving relationship, that's what is important.

I have read all the posts and you all sound like loving caring people. I am reaching the age of the op's mother and scares me to hear all the things so many of you have had to deal with. All too soon my own children may be facing these issues. It sucks to get old.

Old is not for the faint of heart.

(((lisa))), sorry, don't have a time for a long reply, but just wanted to send hugs. And also to say, I so get the restaurant thing. I avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes relent and it is always cringeworthy. Luckily, my dad is short so I can shrug my shoulders apologetically behind his back when he is (un)intentionally rude or embarrassing. I also love hearing that you are able to spend time doing those small things together like playing cards on the weekend. When I think of my mom, it is always of when we used to do the crossword puzzles together at the kitchen table.

If she is on steroids long term, that is known to cause personality changes that veer toward, shall we say, "grumpy".

Could you ask her MD to discuss durable medical POA with her? Have him explain that COPD is disease of slow decline that sometimes turns into a crisis where you will have to be empowered to make decisions -- and that she needs to discuss her wishes in such a situation with you. Hopefully he is skilled in such discussions (not all medical people are!) In the hospital we are required by law to initiate such discussions and offer to help fill out POA paperwork. A lot of people are surprised to hear that it can be done without an attorney.

I'm sorry for your sorrows and difficulties , Lisa. It seems like a lot of people I know inr as well as here are going through this with parents now.

Sorry you are going through this with your mom.

Its sad to witness your close kin slide down the age slope, and worse yet, when they make no effort to slow the process, with a big dollop of stubbornness thrown in. I have no wise words knowing that each case is unique.

Keep playing cards. Its something you both can enjoy, and it exercises the brain. Good luck, and in your prayers, its okay if you pray a bit for yourself. You could use a post to lean on right now.

Great suggestions above. Most important too is monitoring her drugs, be sure she takes them as prescribed. Best wishes to you all.

So much good advice here. This is such an amazing community of support. As I shared in the other thread, my mom lived with us for 6 years until she passed away at 92. The hardest part for her was leaving her friends and remaining family, but it was her decision to move, so she wasn't resentful.

Having her with us did complicate our relationship, but my DH loved my parents since his own parents were difficult, self-involved, and sometimes abusive. He enjoyed being loved unconditionally and that off-set many of the problems that came along after she moved in.

My mom had many health issues and I discovered that I needed to be with her during every doctor visit to take notes and remind her to tell the staff what was going on since the last visit as she didn't like to "bother them". The more I learned about her behavior with doctors, the more I understood why her previous medical care had been so deficient. She and my dad seemed to think their doctors could read their minds and rarely discussed what was actually happening to them. I've read that their generation trusted that the staff knew what they needed just like their involved, small town family doctors did when they were younger.

You will make good and bad decisions and you will regret some of them, but overall know that what you are doing is important and one of the best things children can do for their parents. Peace & love to you from me.

My mother also had Polymyalgia Rheumatica, for which she was also put on steroids. This disease usually runs a 2 to 5 year course, I believe. My mother's lasted about 2.5 years, but she didn't find the steroids did that much for the discomfort she was experiencing. Just putting on a sweater or coat was very painful for her to move her shoulders and lift her arms into the sleeves. Your mother also has COPD, so she's probably feeling overwhelmed by her limitations and ill health.

You might never convince her to stop smoking, but maybe you can encourage her that her PR will eventually go away, and she can look forward to feeling better in that respect. I've lost both my parents, but both died unexpectedly, while still self sufficient, so me and my siblings had no long term care to worry about. Try to find time to do relaxing things for yourself, and check in here whenever you need to vent.

"My mother also had Polymyalgia Rheumatica, for which she was also put on steroids. This disease usually runs a 2 to 5 year course, I believe."

Thank you for this,amicus...I too have PMR,but was not aware of the time frame...

Both of my parents were/are very difficult as they age(d), but for very different reasons. Dad had dementia and his variety of difficult was sort of out in left field. He would say and do peculiar things, become paranoid, etc that seemed to be out of his usual way of being. His personality changed as he went into dementia.

My mother is just an all around difficult personality. It might be hard to determine if she goes into dementia because she's always had a level of paranoia and inappropriateness. I stopped going out to restaurants with her when she was still in her 60s because her personality requires so much attention that she didn't care what she had to do to get it- including making loud rude comments about other people's choices or lifestyles. That was nothing new to her personality, she just felt entitled to be more open with her terrible personality as she ages. If you want to go out to eat with her, either do take out of a nice meal, or go at an off time- early or late for lunch, early for dinner.

It's exhausting, but I think it becomes a lot about managing the relationship in a way that it doesn't harm you, or harms you only minimally. I feel like I'm constantly being creative with how I handle the demands and difficulties of people around me, but for better or worse, I don't think there are a whole lot of other ways to handle them and still keep everybody's dignity intact. :^(

Hang in there and try to focus on the aspects of her that you like/love.

I hope I never reach that stage (I'm older than Lisa's Mom- even tho mostly I'm 60ish-in my head) and doing the things I can do to enjoy life fully. Right now we're doing fine and enjoying all the travel we can cram into life. We moved in the last year or so to be closer to our children and know one day, we'll have to take other steps but not for a long time yet. But are fully aware it only takes one wrong step to have things go terribly wrong.

A thing to remember is that it is fine to step away. Some times it is necessary for your own self-preservation. If it becomes necessary do not listen to those that tell you that you should be/have been a better person because she is your mom. Those that actually know what your mom is will be supportive those that are not you do not need.