I'm so sorry. Becoming the parent of your parent is never easy and sometimes it's over the top hard. As difficult as it would be, if they are going to be without a home and there are no other options, I'd have them euthanized without guilt (and I am a cat lover beyond measure). That is more humane that releasing them and also probably what would happen if they went to a shelter and weren't adoptable. Plus they would have the trauma of going to the shelter and all the chaos/fear of being there.

They might be perfect barn cats, though and some farmer might like having spayed/neutered cats, if there is any way to find someone who wants them for that.

Oly, thank you. I know you are right about the humane thing to do, but when I actually picture doing it, my heart seizes up. I will do my best to find someone to take them but am really pissed that he’s added another unnecessary stress.

Our shelter has adoptions for "barn cats" -- cats that won't be good indoor pets but have been spayed or neutered and vaccinated. People adopt them to be mousers or such. Maybe you can find a similar option? Though, if a feral cat decides it wants to be around people, they can make wonderful pets. I had one adopt me and the cat I already had. and after the first trip to the vet (awful start), he became the most amazing cat. He didn't just sit in your lap and purr, he melted. He played, but he never damaged anything. One of my favorites. I'm sure not every feral can make the transition and I know you have a full plate, but don't write a cat off just because they started out a feral cat.

Sorry things have not gotten easier for you. I hope they will once he gets moved -- or soon after.

I believe his is lonely, looking for companionship. Hope he has that in his new place. My father was always up to something. I was his main contact/caretaker. Some of the time he was bored, living alone and not being able to be as sociable as previously.

Good luck after the he relocates!

Is nextdoor.com active in your area? It’s a great source for local referrals of all kinds. I’ve seen posts on mine about feral cats looking for a home, etc. Lots of animal lovers out there.

Good luck with your dad. It’s not easy.

You make it all sound so burdensome, and I'm sure it is difficult. But remember, when the shoe was on the other foot and you were the wee troublemaker and he took care of you. Caring for others is difficult, and you are a good daughter for doing so.

If they are feral, I would just do the TNR thing.

Oh man, woke up this morning and read how whiney this sounds. As always, things look better in the morning. I just shut down my facebook account last week, but I'm thinking if I set one up again, I could advertise thru there for someone to take them (and actually, I think we've got one already spoken for). I find it very difficult to ask people for favours and the past 2 months it feels like I have been asking for help constantly. I'm just ready to go back to my old life.

lovemrmewy, I know you are absolutely right. He is incredibly social and I know once he gets settled in the home, he will be fine and much less needy (it's also an hour closer to me so driving to help him out won't be so onerous). I also know that this is all huge emotional upheaval for him and try to be patient with his demands.

However, it sometimes feels like a big balancing act - trying to take care of him without getting too close emotionally (lucille, you couldn't know this, but there are not a lot of warm fuzzy memories to draw on) and keep reminding myself that my immediate family needs me, too - and then there's that pesky more than full-time job to fit in.

Hmmm, this seems to be getting more whiney instead of less so. In any case, thanks for letting me have bit venting space. I also appreciate the support if I have to go the TNR route.

Daisy ... If I may speak as someone who has been in your position ... My mom and dad asked if they could come live with us. We bought a house with enough room for them and my DH and me. My dad's story is too complicated to include here, but he passed away before the move.

My mom lived with us for 6 years until she passed away at 92. She was a lovely woman, but very anxious and rather passive aggressive (as in she never commented directly on problems or asked for anything, but hinted or spoke indirectly. We spent a lot of time guessing about her wants/needs.) As her health declined, I took on the role of caregiver, eventually leaving my job so I could be at home to care for her.

When I talked with friends about the difficulties of parenting your own parents, the only ones who understood were the ones who had done it also. They understood that I was tired, frustrated, sad, and confused about the feelings caregiving for my mom brought up in me.

You are an excellent daughter. You will make good and bad decisions and you may regret some of them, but overall you are doing the very best you can in a very difficult situation. If you can, take a break and do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

daisychain this is one of those life situations we can't train for no matter how many books we may read. Take a deep breath and give yourself a hug - you are doing all you can in a difficult situation. FWIW one of our local shelters also does barn cat adoptions and especially since they have already been neutered that seems a good option. As you said, this is all a balancing act and you are doing it despite the challenges.

If they are feral, I would just do the TNR thing.

What is the TNR thing?

Trap, neuter, release

Oh Daisy chain, been there, done that,doing it again! Breathe and keep telling yourself to hang in, hang on, there is a light at the end of the tunnel......

I am just starting to step into this role with my Mom, she is 73 and her health is failing. She has become much more needy recently and I am thankful that my siblings are all (except 1) nearby and willing to help if needed.

I just know that eventually it will be only me that she wants. We are the closest, physically and emotionally. We share a birthday & I am the oldest.

I will do my best but it is already getting to be difficult sometimes. Especially when we go out for lunch and she is rude to EVERYONE! ugh....

I think releasing cats to fend for themselves is cruel. They get no medical treatment if injured or sick, are prey for coyotes and owls and other critters. I think it's more humane to euthanize them.

Daisy, don't be hard on yourself, you just needed to blow off steam and release some of your stress. I know the feeling very well. Putting it in writing sometimes helps. You'll be more relaxed when he's safe and sound and can interact with others. Hopefully, he will be happier. I bet he will. In the meantime, hang in there and there's always the other kind of wine, have a sip lol. Smile.

If the cats have been feral their entire lives, why is it cruel to leave them outdoors, fending for themselves as they always have? Countless wild animals don't get medical treatment if they are injured or sick, and plenty are prey for other creatures.

Yes, I agree. One of the best things has already been done for the cats - spayed and neutered. As for food, that's a hard one. Once they depend upon your father's hand outs it may be difficult for them to move on. Of course as jellytoast mentioned, they will fend for themselves eventually. It's a sad situation.

You are doing your best, everyone knows that even if they don't come out and tell you.

You are doing your best, everyone knows that even if they don't come out and tell you.

Exactly. And now the cats too. Sometimes venting releases some of the pressure. Hopefully, the cats will find a home and the move in will go well for your Dad.

Daisy, you don’t need to apologize. Caring for elderly parents is very difficult, even in the best of circumstances. Sending you a hug. I’m right there with you, and sometimes I just want to scream!

Oh daisy, thank you for writing this post.

I see my own parents deteriorating....and it's difficult. Telling yourself that you're wrong for feeling resentful. Telling yourself that they took care of you and you should be happy to take care of them (and feeling terrible that you don't). And dealing with the guilt...guilt for saying that your phone must have been out of battery when you call them back. Guilt for being the daughter that moved away. Guilt for not asking them to come with you when you go away for the weekend, or go to the store :-/ Guilt for not being cheerful all of the time. Guilt for having a desire to put your wants ahead of theirs.

I could write a book here. But just know that I appreciate your honest feelings. I understand.

The combination of frustration and broken heartedness at the difficulties of caring for aging parents is a special torment. Sending you virtual hugs and real best wishes for the next steps to be easier all around.

daisychain - I feel for you but that's because I have been and continue to be in the position of dealing with my mom who has Alzheimers. The whole thing has been a rocky road and she is now in care.

Hugs to you as you continue on this journey. Feel free to vent and don't ever doubt that you are entitled to your feelings without guilt or remorse. I own my feelings and no one can ever tell me that they are wrong.

@dragonflywings - I admire your love and dedication to your parents. They are very lucky.

Daisy, I'm glad that you have written honestly. Dealing with elderly parents is tough. There are so many issues and challenges and relationships that are upside down. And often you feel you have all the responsibility and no authority. It is a time you need friends and people who understand to talk to -- and yet, it can be a lonely time. I'm glad to hear there is some progress with the cats. A good friend of mine's mother passed leaving her 6 cats to deal with. None were feral, but that was still a challenge.

Daisy, I hope you can get him moved in and settled and then take some time for yourself. These situations are not easy and it seems like this is your father's way of protesting. Being in the sandwich generation is soooo hard! Why does nobody prepare you for this!?!? It seems like we should have a running post for venting on this topic!

jmck_nc, yes! We need our own forum or thread. It really is something you need a support group for.

blfenton, I can't imagine the special challenge of dealing with a parent with Alzheimers. I know I am lucky that both my parents, while facing physical and emotional challenges, are quite with it mentally. Wishing you strength while you deal with this.

I just wanted to update that the main move went really well yesterday. It was a rocky start, b/c my youngest was away on a school trip and her 11 pm flight was delayed until 2 am, so I didn't have much sleep and didn't even really get to see her, but made it to my dad's in time to supervise movers. Got along well with my dad and my favourite aunt and cousin sent texts of encouragement reminding me not to let his moods get me down (but he was really in good form).

Then dropped off one of the cats and the new owner seemed thrilled. Spent a very long day unpacking, but the care home was very accommodating and welcoming and he was thrilled to be there.

The other cat escaped during the move, so I will try to catch it today when I go back to clean and then hope inspiration strikes. There were two other cats wandering around there as well yesterday and my dad says they are all the same family, so I guess I'm lucky he didn't take them all in. If I can't catch it, I guess it will have to make do in the wild. And, if the house sells, the new owner's will get a bonus pet.

Don't feel bad about venting. I am the sole care giver for my dad and I know how difficult it can be. Sometimes no one takes care of the caregivers and believe it or not, sometimes the well just goes dry! Hopefully you can vent and get some moral support here. Hugs to you Daisychain!

Oh I hope your Dad settles in and enjoys his new place. I found with my mom that once they get used to the routine and discover new friends they are really happy.

daisychain there's this: https://www.gardenweb.com/discussions/care

thanks, pennydesign. I have been struggling with his bedding and the first post on that forum had a product I didn't know existed that I think will help.

Please post over there, daisy. There are a lot of us dealing with these issues and we should revive the activity there.

It's good that your father is moving now, really. I tried to get my parents to move for years, to independent living, but they had their own ideas. My DMIL moved to a condo after her heart attack 20 years ago, but she says the options for older folks are not as extensive in Canada as they are in the US. Are you finding that to be true?