It takes some concerted thinking, discussion and discipline to separate needs from wants. There is a difference between the two, unless your checkbook is very large.

I ask my clients for a needs/want list (usually verbal and I write it down). Then in my conversations with them, I can separate out the wants from the needs.

Any brilliant creative architect will be able to do that (yes, that is suppose to be funny).

If you can't narrow down your "needs" list, I suggest you start ranking them from most important to least. What are the priorities? When we built all 3 of our houses, we always had to make decisions on what was most important. We elected to focus on the permanent/long lasting things first. For us that meant windows, roof, heating, etc. Things like flooring and countertops that don't last are less permanent.

For me, when we began to pursue the idea of custom building, we had a list of non-negotiables that if we couldn’t get...we’d just wait longer. Our previous home is in the same town and was perfectly fine so we had the luxury of waiting if necessary. We wanted a slightly bigger lot, all brick construction, lots of natural light, 10’ ceilings, master down, each child has own bath, and kitchen open to family room. Our builder lives in our town, and basically told us a ballpark cost for a house of the size we needed with the level of finishes his clients usually specify (he is a high end custom builder.) We were comfortable that we could afford the ballpark so hired an architect & began. We told the architect right off the bat our non-negotiables, as well as photos of homes we admired. It was an easy process for us, but we we were building on a flat, 1/2 acre neighborhood lot, and specified we wanted a traditional Georgian home.

Basically, in regards to budget, I was quite disciplined. I knew our allowances, and was willing to go over for things that mattered the most, and save on others. If I went over on one, I tried to save an equal amount on others. I used basic field tile and granite remnants for the children’s baths, to help offset the huge amount I went over on millwork throughout the house as just one example. I am sure you can perform similar trade-offs in your build. Good luck!!

I wouldn't start with a wants/needs list. I'd start with a paragraph of how you want to FEEL when you come home and when you live in the house.

For example, I had spent time in Mexico in college and loved the courtyard houses. They felt enveloping and like you were in your own little paradise. So when we wound up with a small infill lot, I wanted to recreate that same feel as when I was in Mexico. That led me to design a U shaped house so when in the backyard, we still got plenty of light and breezes but we feel like we're in our own private oasis. Or we will feel that way once our plants are all filled in.

After you do that, then assess what rooms are really needed. Do you need a separate dining room because you entertain weekly or eat dinner at the dining room nightly or would a dining area in the kitchen work as well because you're more informal or don't entertain frequently.

Do you need an office? How many bedrooms? Does each member need to have their own bathroom or will they be fine if they share? (If parents can share a bathroom, why can't the children?)

Can rooms do double duty? For example, can the laundry room also be a sewing room? Can the guest bedroom double as the exercise room? Can the office double at night as an away room/library?

Do you need 3 garages and do all 3 need to be attached to the house or could one be a separate building?

Then decide if you prefer a single story or 2 story. If 2 story do you want an elevator?

Finally figure out what rooms must be near one another or if a room needs a particular view. I knew I wanted my living room as the center "spine" of my house. One wing was the master suite and the other wing was the garage and friend's entry as well as DH's office because he wanted a view out to the backyard.

We'd hoped to start building about five years after getting married and ended up taking almost 15. I realize our timeline is considerably more extreme than most, in part because my husband is a builder and we planned to build our own house, but that extra time gave us much more time to save up, and also to think about what we really wanted. And as we, and our kids (who were all born around that five-year mark), got older, our house needs and wants changed too.

You've had some good advice so far -- discussion, discipline, prioritizing, compromise, balance, and time. All these will help a great deal.

I really like CP's comment because it points out an important element that often gets left out. While you're writing your wish list, think about the spirit you want the home to express. Think too, about the context: meaning your site, your neighborhood and your community.

Also on your wishlist should be your financial objectives.

Becky makes a good point - our needs change over time. Good house design accommodates current needs, but considers how those needs might change, as kids get older (and bigger!), for example. I see so many folks desire "island seating so my kids have a place to do homework", but by the time my kids were in 4th grade or so, they did homework in their bedrooms, or at the computer in the family room. Similarly, folks with young children want to keep them in sight of the kitchen, but teenagers want (maybe even need) a hangout space separate from the parents, even if it is an unfinished basement.

All great advice above! I'd add to think about or analyze your current home. What are features in it, that you'd love to have again? Or what about it drives you crazy and you want to fix in the next home? Or what features did you think you had to have, but now that you have them you rarely think about or care?

Here's one example. Our previous house was a 1940 ranch that we significantly renovated. It never had a proper foyer. So you walk in and it plopped you right in the living room. I hated it. So one of my 'needs' of my new build was to have a proper foyer.

Another example....we put in real marble in our master bathroom in our previous house. It was very pretty, but I found that I ended up not caring that much. It was a bathroom that no one saw but us and the kids. And it was usually covered in hairdryers, hair products, makeup, tooth brushes, etc. In the new build, when we had to find ways to trim some $'s off the budget, any special bathroom countertops were gone. The slabs of quartz I needed for our kitchen had enough left over to do our bathroom and our kids bathroom. Significant money savings and it looks fine.

Just remember that finishes such as floors and counter tops can always be changed later. The location of the house, views out the windows, size and layout of the rooms, etc. are much more difficult to remedy down the road.

Maybe make a list of NEEDS and "sorta needs".

I NEEDED a good kitchen (a few of you may have seen pics of my old one...)

Then within that kitchen, I separated out wants and needs. I wanted a 36 inch range, but when I saw the price for a good induction one, I decided I didn't NEED 36" that much.

Then, I discovered I NEEDED things I didn't know I needed -- the Kitchen Forum here on GW convinced me I needed drawers. (They were right, too, even though drawers cost a little more.)

Break things down.

I want to age in place, enough so that it is actually a need (although when building you can't cover all scenarios). So I have wide doorways, no elevated thresholds between rooms, and I have a roll-in shower in the master. I can even convert my larger master closet to an elevator if I ever need to (the house proper is all on one level, but I have a walk-out basement - which I felt a NEED for, due to some hobbies, and had the proper spot on my land where it would work.

I want an asphalt driveway. Living rurally, I don't need one, so I did compacted gravel.

I determined a set price per square foot for all the tile I have here, a price I would not go over, other than for a few mosaic touches. I didn't. I didn't even LOOK at anything over my tile budget.

All this enabled me to get one of my WANTS, not a NEED: quartz countertops in the kitchen. I kept to Corian in the bathrooms -- I don't use hair driers so no chance of burning that surface, and they are attractive enough.

Break things down: obviously, you need a bathroom (or so). What is essential, and what can be compromised on, and what can you actually do, considering budget after the essentials are spoken for? I made compromises... I really really wanted brushed nickel in my master bath. (The headboard on my pre-existing bed for the master is brushed nickel -- and I am NOT buying a new one.) Unfortunately, some of the ergonomic features I wanted there only came in polished chrome. I bowed to fate, and my master bath has polished chrome fixtures.

Hope this lengthy set of thoughts on how I worked this, helps you.

Suru11, I agree, but I am also of the old school that I try not to buy something I plan to replace as soon as I can... unless I can donate it to, say, Habitat for Humanity. I don't want to purchase and waste stuff that will end up in a landfill as soon as I can "upgrade". Just doesn't seem responsible to me.

We sorted it by whether we would get back our investment in re-sale. That's not to say the we only did things to the neighborhood standard, but it helped sort out what was really worth it to us. So finished basement vs. crawl space (we live in the Northeast) was in. SDL windows vs. Internal grills was out (yes, I know that makes me a pariah on this site, but I never think about and were we to sell buyers wouldn't care for our market). For examples.

We didn't build - we bought then renovated.

When I think about it, most everything on our shopping list was a "want" rather than a need. The needs list (besides the obvious "roof over our head") was fairly short: 1. condo in an elevator building with no yard/exterior maintenance (because hubby has health issues and we also wanted the freedom to travel); 2. adequate storage space for clothes (because our last place was built in 1915 and had teeny tiny closets and tiny rooms that could barely hold a dresser -- and I love fashion, it's my hobby). 3. dedicated office space (because I work from home). 4. walkable/bike-able location convenient to the city, hubby's office, and airport. 5) space for hubby's numerous bicycles (preferably not in the unit) as that's his hobby.

Meanwhile the wants list included 1) a VIEW!! 2) easy / fast to clean (no desire for large, extra rooms that have to be furnished and maintained; no desire for fussy materials like marble; 3) Bright and airy with lots of natural light (our last place was dark and gloomy); 4) space for the kids/grandkids or guests to stay overnight; 5) custom closets; 6) walk-in pantry; 7) a small, efficient, easy to clean & functioning kitchen -- that would make me want to spend time in it cooking. 8) layout conducive to hosting parties (but not big sit down dinners). 9) on-site parking (if we couldn't find that we'd have sold our car and made the switch to car-free). 10) wall space so we could collect art (we are both art lovers but our last place didn't have enough wall space).

We hunted for over a year. Saw a lot of huge multi-level town homes that just had way too much space for us, and too many stairs. Saw a lot of condos in sky rise buildings with amazing views but very compact square footage and not much storage/closet space.

When we walked into the condo we ultimately bought, we knew instantly it was the one for us! It is in an elevator building, top floor, bright and airy, high ceilings, "just right for us" sf at 2400, with fantastic views (trade-off: the deck is narrow). Underground parking included. Has only two bedrooms, but both are large. The guest bedroom can sleep a family of 5; it's the size of a hotel room (if family comes to visit they are bunking together and that's perfect for us as they won't stay forever!). The place has an open layout conducive to entertaining, and we moved the kitchen so it could face the views -- now I love cooking in there. Closet space was lacking but we were able to add it, as well as a walk-in pantry.

It does not have much of an entry, but with just the two of us now, that's not been a priority. The bathrooms are quite small, we tweaked them to be a bit larger, but it is what it is -- and smaller bathrooms mean less to clean, so I'm happy. No laundry room - we have a laundry closet, which we moved upstairs closer to the bedrooms. I have never had a laundry room-- just a closet -- so this just isn't a priority.

During the reno, we budgeted carefully with help of our financial planner. We held back some "splurge" money, and hubby and I decided we would each get a splurge of our choice. I chose custom closets. He chose a beautiful fireplace.

The only consideration we made to resale value was in the appliances we chose. We researched our local market and bought similar appliances in keeping with the neighborhood. If resale was a consideration, then I'd had had to convert my dedicated office into a 3rd bedroom. I needed the office more.

Can rooms do double duty? For example, can the laundry room also be a
sewing room? Can the guest bedroom double as the exercise room? Can the
office double at night as an away room/library?

This is huge, for me. :-D

I love spaces to work hard, which usually means they need to be a bit larger, but they should save space in the overall design because there are fewer rooms. Kitchens/Dining rooms, baths, playrooms, and storage spaces already work hard in my home, so for me, everything else needs to have at least 2 jobs. Here are my favorite combos:

Laundry -- Sewing -- Craft (but NOT Mud, Foyer, or Back Entries with Laundry)

Master -- Nursery -- Away/Reading

Hallway -- Art Display Niches/Cabinets -- Bookcases/Shelves

Secondary Beds -- More than 1 kiddo, ideally 3 or 4

Parlor (for receiving guests, neighbors waiting to borrow cups of sugar, courting teens [yeah, I'm old fashioned], etc.) -- Library/Den/Away/Office/TV -- Temporary Bedroom (Murphy/wall bed or daybed/sofa bed)

Living/Family (no TV if there's a fireplace) -- Music/Dancing/Gymnastics (move furniture if necessary, lol)

And I loooove window seats because they are architectural art, away space, extra seating/beds, and storage, all in one. <3

I concur with One Devoted Dame. I only have ONE place for eating inside this house (there are outdoor spots for eating in good weather, but the dining area is right next to my kitchen peninsula. My office is also a library. I left enough room that I can bring in clients when the time comes. It can also double as an overflow guest room, although just for a single portable cot. (Which might be me.) My living room has an IKEA sleeper sofa.

Where I have moved, the nearest motel, and it's shabby, is 40 minutes away. I'm perfectly willing to host overnight guests! (As long as they don't invite themselves!!!)

My living room is den and family room all in one. I went with semi-open architecture because I don't like looking into a messy kitchen from the living room and having a wall between the kitchen and living room provided more cabinet space, and more art space for on the living room side of the divide.

My hallway is also for art exhibits, and for my photography.

I'm perfectly willing to host overnight guests!"

GREAT ! ! ! What's for breakfast?

"(As long as they don't invite themselves!!!)"

Never mind.

LOL.

Mark, I'd invite you... I usually have eggs in some form, or for my vegetarian friends who sometimes limit eggs, Indian uttapam pancakes. Maybe real, not instant, oatmeal. You won't find much for a sweet tooth here... (Grin.)

Coffee? Loads.

(As long as they don't invite themselves!!!)

Oh darn. I was about to.

We didn’t do the “wants vs needs” thing, either. I guess we were old enough and realistic enough by that time that it wasn’t necessary. We wanted the smallest house the two of us could live in together. We didn’t want a lot of sq footage to manage, but we wanted the finishes we wanted and an energy efficient envelope, and really good appliances, and heated floors, and a metal roof, and a low maintenance exterior. Also important, we wanted to use every room every day. And we do.

But we didn’t want a huge master or huge closets or bathrooms, or a fancy pantry, or guest rooms “just in case”. Our tv/media room is tiny, but has a queen sofa bed that is actually comfortable. We have a tiny cabin that serves as a bunk room as well, and can actually sleep quite a few people in summer, which is almost the only time people want to come up.

(I mean, I would have liked a million-dollar view and a lap pool, so I could have put those on the “want” list if I wanted the satisfaction of crossing them off!)

Our covenents require a minimum of 3000 sq. Ft, we (I) want a large master bedroom with a sitting area to enjoy the view with outside access and big walk in closets, walk in shower, large pantry, large enclosed laundry room near the master and a special pet room with access to a fenced in area separate from our other outdoor areas. We want a lap pool, inside workout room, game room, office spaces, study, inside sauna, poolside Jacuzzi and lots of outside lounging and grilling areas. I don't want a totally open concept despite that every home being built around here is this concept. I don't want to walk in from the garage into or through my laundry area, pantry area or have to walk through my kitchen every time I come in. We want a house with great curb appeal and one with a tuscan, rustic vibe using stacked stone and cedar shake and wood beams...and I want one story. I want as many windows as possible. I want a huge kitchen with lots of storage and a built in fridge and a big island and a keeping room, a breakfast nook that is big enough for a large farm table. I don't want a formal dining room. I want at least one guest room and I want a huge workshop and a 3 car garage...and all of that is really what we will do, so technically our want/needs are one in the same. We just have to figure out if we can build all of that on our budget.

Make sure everything you are doing is based on how you actually live now and in the near future and not how you think you might live if only. I say that because we as humans are creatures of habit and if we think we'll change our lifestyle if only we had a (fill in the blank), chances are we won't.

we (I) want a large master bedroom with a sitting area to enjoy the view with outside access

How often will you actually sit in your master bedroom enjoying the views? Really think this one through. If you will use it on a regular basis, then yes put in that sitting area. However if this is a "dream" that you'll have long afternoons sitting and reading but your lifestyle doesn't warrant it, rethink it.

and big walk in closets,

Figure out how much closet space you actually need for clothes. For example, I'm not a shoe person (I know, a woman who doesn't care about shoes???) so I only put in enough shelves for my current collection plus a few extra just in case. If I were a shoe person, I'd need a lot more. I did the same with all my hanging stuff, etc.

You may find you need huge closets or you may surprise yourself and realize you don't need as large a closet as you thought.

walk in shower

Again a walk in walk in shower can be huge or just large enough for one or two. My shower is 5' x 45" and it's plenty large enough for 2 of us.

large pantry,

Again, how much stuff do you actually store? Figure that out and then you'll know how large a pantry you'll actually need. For example, DH and I eat out 3-5x a week plus we can walk to the grocery store or the farmer's market downtown on weekends, so we really only needed a small closet.

large enclosed laundry room near the master and a special pet room with access to a fenced in area separate from our other outdoor areas.

Couldn't the pet room and laundry room be combined in some way? Maybe have a pocket door between the two?

inside workout room, game room, office spaces, study,

Again, is there any reason why some of these spaces couldn't be combined in some way? Combine the game room and workout room? Combine the study with one of the offices? Or maybe one of the offices could be combined with the laundry room?

lap pool, inside sauna, poolside Jacuzzi and lots of outside lounging and grilling areas.

Question. Do you still work full time? Does your spouse? If so when will you have time to make use of all these spaces? If you have children, won't you be needing to shuffle them off to activities on the weekends instead of lounging by the pool?

Where are you located? Are you in a warm climate where all these activities will be used most of the year or are you in a cold climate where you'll be lucky if you can swim 2 months out of the year?

I ask because again, the question is how much is a need and how much is a desire that may or may not come true?

I don't want a totally open concept despite that every home being built around here is this concept. I don't want to walk in from the garage into or through my laundry area, pantry area or have to walk through my kitchen every time I come in.

And that's why you need the services of a talented residential architect to help you design a house that will meet all your special needs.

I want as many windows as possible.

Good! Then you want a house where it's only 1 or 2 rooms deep to allow lots of light to brighten up the spaces and give you the option to have cross breezes.

I want a huge kitchen with lots of storage and a built in fridge and a big island and a keeping room, a breakfast nook that is big enough for a large farm table.

Again, do you need a keeping room and a breakfast nook? Couldn't the two be combined in some way?

I want at least one guest room

And once again, couldn't the guest room be part of the workout room, or the study or one of the offices? Do you really want a room that takes up space, needs to be cleaned and is only used infrequently? Or do you have guests come for days every month?

For example, my exercise room has a murphy bed and a reading nook in it so when I don't have guests (which is most of the time), I can still use the room to exercise and/or read a book while looking out the window.

and I want a huge workshop and a 3 car garage

And once again, couldn't the workshop be the rear part of the garage? And what will you be storing in the third garage?

...and all of that is really what we will do, so technically our want/needs are one in the same.

No you have lots of wants, but only a few needs.

office spaces, study,

How many dedicated spaces to work/study do you actually need (vs. want)?

I have a large walk-in pantry, but I live on a farm and we butcher our own beef, chickens, I make my own sauerkraut, I do a lot of canning, cook three meals a day from scratch, and we live far enough from town that I buy in bulk those things we don't grow/raise etc. for our family of five. And the trade-off to my large pantry is a smaller kitchen, because not everything needs to be stored in the kitchen.