"HE is being offered a tremendous gift. You don't get it until you get married, at which point you would get it anyway *by law*"

Why would assets acquired before marriage automatically become community property after marriage "by law"?

^^Sorry, that thought was incomplete. By law, after marriage the partner would have some right to some of the assets.

Also, in my region their common law marriage would be official after 6 months of co-habitting, which I'm assuming occured before the house is obtained.

You may know this, but be sure to have an attorney that you seek counsel with review any documents his attorney draws up. In that way, you can be sure your interest are taken care of.

This isn’t a Designing For the Sexes issue. This is much much deeper. You need couples counseling immediately. If he says no, then get out of the relationship ASAP. That subtle controlling passive aggressive behavior is a giant red flag to anyone who has had to deal with such a jerk before.

Better to be a poor single parent from a donor than someone who didn’t realize she was selling her soul because that biological clock was ringing so loud that she ignored the bars in the gilded cage.

You might already be living common-law with all the legal rights that provides. http://www.commonlawrelationships.ca/ontario/

"I don't see anything horrible about relatively middle aged adults dealing having prenup agreements in which assets accumulated in adult life (or inherited) are not immediately part of the communal property especially where there appears to be significant differences in wealth - male family is wealthy - female OP seems to have been stated that she is currently being supported by the boyfriend - unless I am misinterpreting something."

I might be more open to seeing from this perspective if the man already owned the house. But they have been an established couple for a while. They have talked about an intent to marry and form a family. They had plans to begin the house-buying process together as a unified couple. In my opinion that means that any assets accrued from now on are theirs. If the offer of the trade didn't come up, they would have bought a house as equals.

If mom gifts a house to the man now, that gift comes to him as part of an established couple that the gifter and society is well aware of.

I do have philosophical issues with her needing to "earn" full equality in the marriage.

And I would advise someone I care about to spend as much time and money on pre-marital counselling as on a pre-nup, if not more.

I am afraid this man and his mother are in more of a partnership than he ever will be in with you. I am sure the condo has rules against hoarding, so what happens when Mom's belongings are deemed to be excessive by the property management company? What if Mom loses the condo and needs her former house as a residence? I would advise you to leave this relationship now and find a man who truly loves and values you for yourself and who shares your likes and dislikes in decorating, among other issues.

DON’T DO IT. I could write paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs about my own family and my now deceased mom with a similar decorating/borderline hoarding style and etc. etc. but bottom line would just be ‘no’. I am about the same age as you. In our stage of life and especially when kids come – I am I like you it sounds – someone who wants to feel comforted by my surroundings. Being in a ‘nice’house with great schools means nothing if I don’t love the interior view around me every single day. Also after getting pregnant in your 30s, not always super quick for everyone —you’ve still got like five years till school. They don’t pop out and need a mudroom in two months ;)

new-mom ship is hard and I would so much rather be a new mom of a baby in a nice condo that felt like my own, as opposed to in a house that I was having to beg to declutter on the daily.

I would just put your foot down, a firm hard no.

If you want a house, buy a house with your boyfriend. Also – be careful. I would buy a house that you guys can afford 50-50, if that’s what it’s gonna take for your name to be on that deed. Some people are more cautious than others with money— and that doesn’t necessarily make them bad partners – it just means that the other partner needs to be super savvy. If he’s the type to protect his own, you need to protect yours. So if you guys want mom to buy condo from boyfriend, that’s great. He can use part of that money as a down payment for a new house and you can take out a mortgage for the rest. ( or something like that – yes, talk to an attorney! Im not one). But whatever the scenario, if you work out an arrangement that truly allows you to start this next stage of your lives on equal footing – You will breathe easy every day knowing that a new house can truly be yours and come with no strings attached.

You don’t want the strings. They have the potential to kill this marriage before it even starts.

Gosh. Have you tried saying something like, "I really love your mom's house, but I love the way we decorated this place so much better. If we move there, can we put everything there in storage or into the attic and decorate all of the main living spaces in my minimalist style? Otherwise I probably would never feel like it was my home too. I also think your mom might want to redecorate this condo to suit her style a bit better and she'll want to be surrounded by her own things in the condo instead of the stuff I picked out. How will we tackle this?"

What would they say? Why would they object to making two comfortable places that are comfortable for everybody who has to live there?

I guess I'm in the minority that thinks you should have no ownership of that house right now or even in the near future and don't even bring it up. It's his mom's, and when/if they legally swap, then it will be his and his only and this is fair. If/when you marry and if/when you have kids, and if/when he dies, then it's yours and the kids at the natural time.

If I was his mom and heard my son's (relatively poor) girlfriend wanted her name on my deed because she was going to be staying in the house, I'd say Hell NO. I'd start thinking you're a gold digger.

You don't own his condo. You aren't losing anything that is actually yours. His condo and her house are not yours. You even get to "live for free" at either of these places which is pretty darn generous of them as it stands at the moment.

But it's completely possible to enjoy living in a house you don't own. And it's possible to decorate it the way you want regardless of who owns it-- have you asked them about this? This is all the negotiating I'd do at this point.

If/when they ask you for money to contribute to the new decor of the house I'd start having the talk about what investments mean. It's a little premature right now.

His mom will be your family too and your tastes might change a bit over time and you might come to appreciate some of her collections too. This is entirely possible as well.

@mrykbee this whole statement: "I guess I'm in the minority that thinks you should have no ownership of that house... his condo and her house are not yours." is kind of exactly my point and others'. She is entering into this situation with absolutely nothing as far as what she's told us. And she will be adding an awful lot of value with her efforts to purge the house and bring it up to date. And let's not forget the pleasure of her company and the support she provides. Plus they want to have kids and start a family. This will be a marital home as far as both parties are concerned. She isn't a 22 year old on a lark or a retiree having some well-earned fun. So the advice most people are giving is: figure out exactly what his commitment level is, get your relationship status into a place of legality, *then* move into the marital home in whatever format that takes, as an *equal partner.*

So OP the red flags that I see are that he holds all the balance of power and you have somehow (whether intentionally or unintentionally) gotten the impression that you have to EARN respect because being divorced somehow taints you and makes you untrustworthy. And from all indications you have no assets of your own; how can you "walk away" if you own nothing? You're right; Toronto isn't cheap.

Please, please get legal advice about what rights you already have. Three years living as a spousal unit is all it takes to be considered a common-law relationship in ON, and there are legal rights that go along with that status.

Yes, a million times yes to this...
“gotten the impression that you have to EARN respect because being divorced somehow taints you and makes you untrustworthy.”

Being a divorcee makes you no more or less reliable. He either trusts YOU as an individual or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, then he ought not be committing (and so far hasn’t) in the first place. As someone who has been divorced I can tell you heck no would I have taken that attitude from my (now) husband. We entered the marriage both of us all in and fully committed. (And I brought a child into the marriage and an ex...because remember, the child’s father will still be in the picture. So again, think long and hard not just about whether you want to be married to him, but also what it might be like to be divorced from him with kids in the picture.) No way would I ever accept a “earn your way to equal status” scenario.

And she did say “we put 25k into his condo” and that it was mostly her effort. That should earn some respect, even if it gives nothing legally.

I too have issues with the notion that the OP should have "no ownership of that house right now or even in the near future."

I got married when I was a few years older than the OP is now: at that stage, I had a career, and a condo of my own, as did my future husband. There is no way I was going to enter into marriage as anything other than a full equal, which in my case included as a full financial equal. My then-fiance was very comfortable with that. So, we sold both our properties, found a new house in an area we both liked, and split the costs of purchase and furnishing 50/50. And to this day, 23 years later, we continue to split costs. I was in a position to do that because of my career, which I realize the OP might not be (although she apparently works and has or had her own condo). Regardless, she brings other things to the marriage table. I frankly find the notion that she has to "earn" trust and a financial interest in their home quite abhorrent. She is his future wife, mother of their/their future children, and she
deserves to be treated from the start as a full equal in this relationship, not as a
boarder with "privileges."

My initial suggestion was that they skip this house and invest together in something they can both agree on with no family issues to complicate matters. But I think, before that, they need counselling because I don't really get the impression that the OP is getting the respect she deserves and is entitled to. And without respect, the relationship is in trouble.

Rant over. But I do feel quite strongly about this.

In any home in which you're living, you'll want to your time and input in any changes -- whether or not your money is invested.

You'll also want to know you can influence any changes; after all, a personal relationship should be a partnership. As long as his mom takes with her the most treasured items, what's left should be for the two of you to decide.

Have a candid discussion about the redecorating/upgrading of the home. Perhaps you could begin by each of you making three lists: What you definitely want to keep (if his mom leaves it), what you definitely don't want to keep and what will be decided later.

As to decorating: You can begin to discuss wall color preferences. See if you can at least agree whether or not you want to repaint all the walls one neutral color and what that color would be. This is a discussion about decorating that could apply to any home the two of you may move into, whether or not it once was his mom's house.

Rather than damage your relationship, you might consider agreeing that you would not putting any of your own money into either maintaining or upgrading the house -- agree that you'll put your earnings in your savings account instead.

At some point y'all may or may not decide to co-mingle assets -- home and money and other assets.

Do make sure you don't sign on to be responsible for any bills or debts that could result in a lien without also having ownership rights. If it's his house and not yours, then any mortgage and/or bills and debts associated with ownership, maintaining, upgrading, remodeling, etc., should also be his. Be careful what you commit to paying.

Decide this way: As long as you feel the situation is and still would be fair IF the two of you suddenly split and you had to walk away without any money from the home, why should you sweat the small stuff.

I thought she said she picked stuff out but he paid for all of it, and that they did it only because she wanted the changes to his condo, not because he wanted them.

I respect and trust and love a lot of people, but that doesn't mean I should sign half my house over to them.

It just all seems so premature at this point. Get engaged at least before talking about when you will own how much of that house. When that happens I hope it's a straight up 50%.

Suezbell, agree with everything you said about your story.

To be clear, if they (OP couple) were married I would agree her name should go on the house. Also if she were bank rolling any of it with no talk of marriage. But they aren't even engaged, and she hasn't done anything except tell him what to buy for his condo at this point.

If you are 36, you are young enough to be my daughter. So I’ll speak bluntly, as if you were:

Blink the stars out of your eyes, honey. Yes, he’s promising you those stars now, but don’t you believe him till he signs on the line. This deck is stacked, and not in your favor.

I know I've taken up a lot of airspace on this thread. I beg your collective indulgence here.

I haven't shared this yet because it's very personal.

My FIL and MIL worked really hard to buy their farm. FIL worked full-time construction and they both worked full-time farming in order to pay off their 110 acres of farm land. It has been free and clear for decades and there are no debts. Basically it's a goldmine of highly desirable land in a hot real estate market. All of their children including my husband worked tirelessly on the farm as well, until they became adults and moved on to their chosen careers, many as farmers. My husband and his brother still live and work on the farm full-time along with our families, and some sibs-in-law still work seasonally.

When we moved to the farm after having been married for less than a year some family members (not my parents-in-law who have supported me individually and us as a couple 100%) Talked. Some outright asked me what my commitment level was. My husband's response to them was always "our relationship is our business, we are committed to each other, and her interest in the farm is none of your business." Even now as it nears the time to talk about inheritance and transitioning to the next generation of ownership, if I even mention that I understand why people might feel uncomfortable with me walking into this 'windfall' when they sacrificed so much over the years to create it my Husband's reply to me is "you bring so much value to the farm, you're my wife, if you weren't here I wouldn't be here and there would be no farming."

Obviously we will strive for equity and fairness. And I hope it goes without saying that I am totally committed to the success of the farm.

But all that is to say that MY HUSBAND SUPPORTS ME. He trusts and respects me. He realizes my value even though it isn't monetary. He sees me as a fully equal partner in every aspect of life. And if it comes down to it HE WILL STAND UP TO HIS FAMILY FOR ME. Even though there is money at stake that came from his family. (mine are poor as church mice)

EVERYONE deserves that level of respect and commitment in a relationship that is intended to be long term and building a family.

OK thanks. Feeling a little vulnerable...

Lindsey, well said.

@lindsey, thanks for sharing your story. Curious if the farm will be left only to your husband and you or if it will be passed equally to all of your MIL/FIL's kids.

In my husband's family, they left it all to one kid, instructing that kid to divide it equally, but that kid died unexpectedly before doing so and it all went to one grandson (the kid of the heir that died). That grandson sold everything and built himself a McMansion on the beach. It created a huge rift and broke a lot of hearts. 15 years later some still have not healed. It's especially painful for some who have to drive by the old place yet are not allowed to step foot on it.

All of us left immediately changed our wills to leave things equally to our own children.

"Curious if the farm will be left only to your husband and you or if it will be passed equally to all of your MIL/FIL's kids."

First I should say that his brother/s-i-l are also full time on the farm.

We are also curious about that... Not to make light of it. But sometimes you just have to have a sense of humour. As you know from your experience succession planning is a hugely complex area of the law. Right now no decisions have been made. My MIL passed away very suddenly at age 64 a couple of years ago, and FIL is still a bit in shock and also hates bureaucracy so it's been difficult to navigate these waters. And of course we can't push too hard for him to make decisions, both out of respect for him and quite frankly to be mindful of our reputation within the family. What we ultimately want is for Dad's wishes to be fulfilled, whatever they are.

What I do know is that we would be heartbroken too if what happened in your family, happened in ours. The philosophy around here has always been that any family member who wants to be involved on the farm will be welcomed with open arms and supported as much as possible. We want to make sure that happens for this third generation that is starting to head into adulthood, even the ones who aren't our children. So figuring out what that will look like is also a piece of the puzzle.

And I should probably make really sure to say that my in-laws are really awesome and I love them all. I actually feel more attuned to them than my own family a lot of the time. I know they want the best for us, and I do recognize that their contributions are so very important.

Lindsey - you don't need to feel vulnerable. Your husband's "got your back" and that's all that matters. He knows, as my husband does, that money isn't the only or even the major factor in measuring contributions to a marriage. You're raising a bunch of kids, and that's more than equal to my paying the cable bill!

Thanks jmm1837. It's really nice to get that vote of confidence :)

My feeling of vulnerability comes more from the awareness that someone could pretty easily identify myself and our farm. So I would be devastated if someone got the impression that I don't trust my family to have our best interest at heart, or if people thought that my sibs-in-law are out to get me or something. Nothing could be further from the truth.

There isn't enough information here to give good advice, other than to advise you to get more advice (get a personal counselor (because everyone should have one), get pre-marriage counseling (no matter how strong that 95% feels), and get a short/free consult with a lawyer (because lawyer)).

Otherwise, I'm just going to point out that this is where you lost me: "My now boyfriend calls it "magazine chic" / "something the masses would like" / "boring." (What does he know anyway??) "

Do you consider this "teasing" or do you have an actual rift here? It's one thing to disagree on style, and even to roll your eyes and laugh at each other sometimes, but to call your entire style (which you obviously take great pride in) "boring"? Does he ever compliment your style/taste (other than to point out how much money you've made him)?

Dr. Gottman was on tv years back and gave an excellent description of relationship killers. This link to his blog gives a summary and is worth reading.

Four Horsemen

jmm1837 - well said! And here's the thing - I'm a stay-at-home-mom... my husband has a great job (as a result of lots of hard work on his part, years of college.) But you bet your booty that we are equal partners in all ways. Different, but equal ;) And like lindsey I know that when it comes to a question of his family or me, he's got my back. We don't have any situations like what you describe, but we've had other things come up that let me know he's "on my side" and we are united.

And I have to agree with code4fun. If it's playful teasing that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself that's one thing. But in the context of everything else, I have to wonder. Each relationship has its own little quirks and playful teasing can have a place. But it sounds more like belittling and condescending. But if it is playful teasing, it better be followed up with lots of genuine compliments and praise. My husband and I tease each other at times, but we also give a lot of positive affirmations.

following

Hi Susan M thanks for your concern. We're working as diplomatically as we can toward that end. There are 12 siblings so all agreeing is unlikely though of course not impossible. Our position is that we want Dad to feel empowered to make the decision he feels is right, and we will do what we need to in order to help make his desires happen.

The good news for me is that we own 10 acres of our own, adjacent to the family farm, that we farm in conjunction with the family farm. So if the worst happens I will not be left high and dry :)

I fear we've scared off the OP. But I hope she thinks about everything. The first clue of a mismatch is the thread title, making it "our" home but she wants to make it "her" home. The BF's condo was remodeled to be her style, he paid for it but he didn't like it. Also, he puts down her style, that is not going to change. There seems to be a lack of communication and mutual respect on both sides at least in this area, and it rarely will limit itself to that area. Such things tend to spread their tentacles into other areas of life together, sowing seeds of resentment on both sides. You know the expression "I love you, you're perfect, now change."

@all --

Thanks so much (truly) for all of the input on this thread. I've actually had the BF read a lot of it and it's been healthy, good dialogue.

A few progress points:

- His mom has come around to actually suggesting an estate sale for many of their collected things.

- I've started talking to the BF about what he "wants to keep" vs. "wants to get rid of." The psychological difference is amazing. Asking him to pick the things he loves is helping him realize I don't want to set aflame to his family's collections but rather honour them appropriately within a home *we* create for *us.*

- I've built a list for him categorizing "now" renovations vs, "soon" and "later." He was stressed thinking I wanted everything RIGHT NOW. I have taken time to explain that I realize this will be a transition. I think half of the pushback I'm getting comes from a place of fear that I'm going to want everything done overnight. He's trying underpromise and underdeliver in a way -- something he's been conditioned to do by his family.

- We've talked to some good family and family friends who have really supported my views while not disrespecting his.

- Explaining that we wouldn't 'over clutter' a new home if we were to build or buy one has really helped. Asking him to earmark things he'd take to a new home. He's been good about it.

A few thank yous:

- First of all, I love this community. You've all been there to work through something with me that most of my friends would ridicule. They'd say: "You're getting a free house in a crazy expensive city?? Shut up and take it." You guys have provided so many great perspectives and shared stories of your own to back it up. I can't say thanks enough.

- To everyone who suggested legal advice. I know this is imminent but the best part is that I was able to talk to the BF and have conversations about where we see the future. I truly don't expect to own half of his everything on day one of living together. But I do expect it when we're married with a family. He understand and agrees. He's the old fashioned type who just believes his word should be bond. We've lived together for over a year without a cohab. I need to trust that he'll continue to behave in our best interests, while keeping his family sane and worry-free.

For now:

- We're doing a 'trial run' from May 15 - September 15 (approx) where we live here (mom's moved out), help mom & son gradually purge, start prioritizing renos for when/if we decide to move forward.

- I hope I can count on you all when we start doing renos to suggest ideas when we confirm it's a go. :)

I am really looking forward to your projects, big and small!

@Susan M and @lindsey The same thing happened in our family in the next generation. The will was written for everything to go to the living siblings should one pass before the parents. Unfortunately one did. But the remaining siblings made it right after the fact, transferring what that sibling would have gotten to his wife and child. Tragedy strikes when you least expect it. I was very proud of this family that day. Estate planning sucks but it's very important.

Thanks for the update and taking all the comments in good spirits. (Love people who can do that!)

I hope you are truly an easy-going type and not feeling that you have to act more easy-going than you want to be, for this relationship.

For myself— I know I could never live with someone for free unless he was considering me an equal partner based on some type of legal relationship — whether legal roommates or spouses. For me its: pay rent and be equals because $$ – or be married and be equals because, marriage—but one way or the other I just know I couldn’t handle the idea that I was living somewhere that’s ‘not really MY place’ — especially when it comes to decorating differences and purging items!! It’s just such a potentially disempowered position. But, I know myself and I know that I have a controlling streak- (for example,I WOULD want it all done ‘right away’, and I would not want to live anywhere that I had to gradually purge!) But, I have friends who maybe dont have so much need for control. Maybe that’s your personality! It’s a hard position for me to relate to but I do wish you the very very best :)

BOY FRIEND not spouse. HIS MOTHER not your mother in law. Legally if anything were to happen you would be out with no legal repercussions unless your name is placed on the deed for this house. Any money you put into it will not be gotten back should this relationship go south. Style aside it seems like the only one taking any risk here is you and I wouldnt do a darn thing until your legal owner along with him. You have to learn to protect your own interests and decor and style are secondary.

It's really great that the communication is starting to open up.

This: <... most of my friends would ridicule. They'd say: "You're getting a free house in a crazy expensive city?? Shut up and take it."> is a little terrifying I have to say.

I guess we do still need feminism...

@jmm1837 Thank you so much for the reminder on the legal aspect of this. My BF (and I call him this because no real other term applies) and I have discussed the legal side. He is very open and wants this to be 'fair.' We mutually agree that I shouldn't get half of everything his family has worked for 'overnight' but that we plan to have a family and he would want everything to eventually be mine in the event something happened to him.

Frankly, I do agree with this as you both bring what you've had to the marriage. I didn't do that with some stocks I was given and used those stocks to buy our first house with my ex. When we went to sell after the divorce, I was out of luck with those stocks since it was used to buy community property.

Conceptually, we're talking about me getting 15-25% of the house upon marriage, and working up to 50% over a few years.

I think that's fair, but it must be in writing. Yes even after the marriage because if it's in his name only, many states will not consider you the beneficiary.

And what happens say in 5 years when you have a 2 year old at home and if heaven forbid, something happens to him? If you only have 25% of the house? Then what? It could be sold out from under you and you're left with all of 25%. You need to really think it through and with an estate planner.

We do plan on getting engaged this year. He is very clear about wanting to marry me (so no concerns there) but he always wants some time to be 'spontaneous' and he has a few career hoops he'd like to jump through beforehand which I completely support and understand.

BIG RED FLAG!!! Especially the line about career hoops. What if the career hoops don't materialize?

And honestly, how long does it take to do something to be spontaneous? Really?

@er612 / @mrykbee- no siblings, just him. His desire is that (eventually) everything he/we have will go to myself and the children, or the children if I were to die first.

Get it in writing.

That said, I'm a divorcee and he knows many divorcees (as we all do) so I understand him not wanting to turn over the keys to everything on day one of marriage.

I'm sorry but this is just plain hogwash! Geez if DH and I lived by that philosophy, we'd still be single. He's been twice married before and I've been once married before. However for the past 13.5 years we've managed to make it work wonderfully for the two of us. I call this one baloney.

We will likely have a cohab agreement until marriage and then a 5 year 'earn out' once married.

MORE RED FLAGS!!! Not the cohabitation agreement. That's only smart, but make sure you have it vetted by your own lawyer.

Hetty Anne, good luck! I truly hope things work out for all of you. It sounds like you each are getting what you want, which is really hard in today's world.

Be sure and keep us updated. I would like to see how the purging is going! And how each room is turning out.

Hi All!

For those who are following this thread, check out my first "help!" thread here:

https://www.houzz.com/discussions/help-create-a-kick-ass-fireplace-and-focal-point-dsvw-vd~5254195

If you're interested in chiming in, I'd love your thoughts on how to make this fireplace / focal area really kick ass. :)

HA

Unless BF puts your name on the deed, you won't be entitled to any part of the house if (god forbid!) you split up (assuming you don't have any kind of a contract before hand. Assets he has before marriage aren't subject to property division upon divorce. Talk to a lawyer yourself before you do anything, just like cpartist said. Don't include him in the first discussion with your lawyer, paid for by you and you alone. My MIL signed everything over to her second husband including $300k in investments. She did this on the advice of his lawyer. Let's just say the outcome could have been, should have been better. I wished she had hired a lawyer to represent herself.

Hetty Anne, watch the move "The Joy Luck Club"...and know your worth.

It's really important to note that Hetty Anne is in Canada. Family law is different here than in the States.

I'm going to overlook all the relationship issues here, plenty of great advice has been given. I'll just give my 2 cents on the design aspect.

Maybe his mother loves your style and that is part of why she wants the condo. Her lifestyle has changed over the years and maybe she doesn't know how to let go of some things but maybe she loves your style too. If that's the case, it might not be too insensitive to say you want to change the style of the new house.

I would take the changes slowly, you don't want to trample on feet but as you remodel, you can always fall back on the idea that you want to change things before you start a family because you know once a baby is here not much else will get done for a while. This may be a more gentle way for his mother to accept the changes, and make her excited about being a grandmother one day. It might make it easier for her to let go knowing that broken furniture or lots of storage isn't safe for curious little ones.

Good luck!

@chiflipper / @lindsey -- I am in Canada and have been divorced before so I do understand family law -- really didn't want this thread to turn into a discussion on my legal rights. I didn't want to over-share but I own two small businesses, have been divorced and have been fairly been treated all of my life. I can figure out that aspect and have good instincts. (i.e.: I won't be taken advantage of.)

@hummingalong2 - I'm starting the 'thinking process.'

indsey

Hetty Anne, you do you. Take all of this advice with a grain of salt and do what you think is best, ignore all of the armchair lawyers and therapists (including me) if you want. Post pics of your befores and afters, I'd love to see them.

That's reassuring Hetty Anne. I know I was very forceful about this. So many people (read: women) don't understand their legal rights and even though you are in Internet stranger, I still felt a real concern about your situation. To my mind in a case where a person's well-being might be at stake it's better to go too far than not far enough.

I do wish you and your SO the very best as you embark on this journey.

:)