Comment on this Forum and on Two Posts

6 years ago

couldn’t think of a good title

I searched for forums for those contemplating marriage to someone with chilluns. Didn’t find anything like this forum. Most were canned advice or one person blogs. Too bad. Though I only spent a few minutes nothing really jumped out at me. More if not all should seek premarital advice in some form. A forum like this for pre marital situations with a variety of responders might work wonders.

I lurk here a day or two maybe every couple three four years. There seems to be a core of responders that know their stuff and get to the heart of the problems with good insight. This time I decided to speak up from two posts. I was impressed because a recent poster actually took the advice and bailed out of a bad scene before compounding it with marriage. The other because one poster thought a marriage with step children cannot work. Well it can too.

Twice I married women with children. The first failed and the children from both marriages had absolutely nothing to do with it. In fact they all consider each other as brothers and sisters and get along just fine.

My wife of the second marriage had three children and I eventually got custody of one of mine. We’ve been together 46 years married 44. Her children are now in their early sixties; mine in their fifties. When her daughter got married she told me she wished it was me walking her down the aisle instead of her father. She drove 200 miles instead of using the phone to tell me she was expecting her first child. Tell me? No. Tell us. Those “kids” are on my side. When I need help they are right there for us with no hesitation. Twice the her oldest son has dropped everything to come to my aid when I was in bad trouble. Etc.

The was no doubt about our commitment since the night we met. Nevertheless we studied many many marriage counseling books. I preferred the books to a human counselor. Wider more varied coverage. Lots cheaper too for sure. Books are king. You can study and re-read and discuss them and cogitate and re-discuss till the thing gets settled. (That’s a good time to jump into the sack). A counselors words evaporate after a few minutes. We lived in separate towns; separate libraries; different sources. We traded books, notes. In short we worked at it. It payed off. Were there problems along the way? Of course. Did they get fixed? Yes. By whom? Us!

Comments (4)

Karen Peltier
6 years ago
last modified: 6 years ago
Very sound advice, but remember that step-fathers often do fare better than step-mothers. This is making a long story, short, but step-fathers go along with bio-mothers, and BMs, either due to giving birth or DNA or the societal culture, or such, are held in high esteem, almost to the level of sainthood, and can virtually do no wrong. Not putting any judgement on that. Just saying that is the way it is. And, most bio-mothers get primary custody of the children as well. So, step-fathers get to ride on that high wave along with bio-mom.

On the other hand, bio-fathers. . . well, that reputation is no where near as good. You hear the term deadbeat dad or absentee father a lot. Bio-fathers don't give birth to the child, even tho. genetically they contribute the same as bio-mom, there seems to be nothing built into the DNA to connect child and father, and societal culture, at least in the US, seems to imply that bio-fathers are not needed anywhere near as much as BMs, so bio-fathers don't get the same boost that bio-mothers seem to get just from being one. When a woman comes along and marries bio-dad and becomes a SM, there is no wave for her ride. Instead, she starts out several ranks down.

So, although there are similarities to step-fathers and step-mothers, there are also notable differences in the position they may both be starting from. This is a generalization, of course, but step-fathers get to join bio-mom on her pedestal, while step-moms for the most part get to join bio-dad down in the dumps. This is why it is not all that uncommon for SKs to want their step-father to walk them down the aisle rather than bio-dad, yet when comes to step-mom at a wedding, Lord only knows what is going to happen to her. She may not even be thought of as dad's wife. Instead she'll be thought of as dad's woman/ intruder, and she may find herself seated in the back of the church, away from her husband, or not allowed in any family pictures, even though she has been married to her husband for years.

You deserve kudos for sure. I know and I'm sure you put a lot of hard work into your relationship with your SKs, but most step-moms have a much higher ladder to climb than step-fathers just by virtue of being a step "mom" rather than a step "dad." Some books recognize this and some don't. Some counselors recognize this and some don't. Yet, this is just one crucial point that I think a lot of so-called professionals miss. I agree with you that I do think they miss a lot of things, simply because step-parenting is a whole different animal, and unless you have experienced it and done a lot of research, you would be amazed at how complicated the dynamics of the blended family really are.
mxyplux
Original Author
6 years ago
Very interesting. It’s a dynamic I hadn’t been aware of and makes sense and perhaps was even part of though unknowingly. Very well stated. I think it was very mild in our case.

I’m an old man now with an old man’s problems (expected and accepted). So I’ll back on out and leave it to you guys hoping that you’ll keep trying to help.
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Suzieque
6 years ago
Thank you, mxyplux, for your thoughtful and thought-provoking post. And congratulations to you and your entire family.
ldvilen75
5 years ago
mxyplux, kudos to you!
It sure sounds like you have had a good life, wife and family.

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Karen Peltier

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mxyplux
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