Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people. Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son. Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem. LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do. Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone). Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength. You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest.

Sending special thoughts and prayers. I only had a single but sure wish they would have allowed me to have had a double that I wanted. It would be so nice to not have to wear a bra all the time.

Great story Donna! Many years ago I was attending an estate sale and bought and box of goodies that had just one thing in it I wanted. After taking that one thing out, I was rifling through the rest and came across several photos of people in a jewelry store appearing to be from early 1900's The display cases looked oddly familiar to me. My ex DH bought all my jewelry from a place one town over from us. The lady that owns it was fairly advanced in age, and most every day sat in a rocker in the corner of the store to greet everyone that came in. I took those photos over and stood right inside the door staring at my pictures, looking up and down comparing to her display cases. "Sally , honey come here and show me what you are looking at" came from across the room. I kneeled beside her and without a word handed her the photos. I saw a tear start to well up. The people in the photos were her grandparents in their original store and the cases were the ones still being used by her! She tried to give them back to me as they were "mine". We had those photos framed and are still today part of their displays.

Jackie, Those roses plus Mme Jules Gravereaux (which has been a very slow grower for me) and Marachel Niel, all budded, are not planted against the house. They are planted against a 10ft tall white washed concrete retaining wall. I call it my rose wall. There is also an ancient purple bougainvillea thriving close by (which gets defoliated and tip burned in the winter) and citrus trees planted further afront. Its orientation is southwesterly and they receive relentless sun from about 11am until sundown. The wall radiates heat well into the night. There is no concrete paving around them but to 'compensate' they are planted on a narrow 3ft wide raised bed which is bound on its four sides by 4ft high concrete walls and which also contains the foundations of the retaining wall. That's a pretty hot and unwelcoming spot although it does receive some sideways northerly breeze (which is cool but very dry in the summer and chilly in the winter). I irrigate by drip and also flood the bed once a week in the summer and a few times in the winter. The roses struggled during their first summer there, especially the ones planted directly as bare root. By now they have managed to grow enough to cover the wall and grow foliage enough to protect their canes and the wall from the sun. Best growers have been Reve d'Or and cl. Lady H. Best blooming is from October to June. My summers are 5 months long, warm to hot and dry and atmospheric humidity is usually quite low despite proximity to the sea (The Med is not the Pacific). My latitude is about the same as Sacramento, CA.