thanks

Welcome, northtx mom! My first husband had three children fom his first marriage. The kids lived 700 miles away with their mom so, like you, we only saw them for extended periods a couple times per year. We were able to sneak in long weekends with them occasionally. The first time they came to stay with us after we bought a new house was a holiday vacation. I was cooking the holiday dinner and at one point when I returned to the stove, I found a wad of chewed-up bubble gum on the top. I was pretty stunned at this blatant stunt --- darned near speechless --- but I calmly went to DH's youngest, confirmed it was her gum, and pointed out to her where the garbage can was located (since this was a new house to them, too). About 30 minutes later, I go back to the stove to tend to something else....another wad of bubble gum...counting to 10, I went back to young SD, reminded her once again of the location of the trash can....repeat process for third time within an hour. After the third time, I took DH into our room and suggested to him he needed to talk to SD, that it was clear she was testing the limits of what is acceptable in our home. DH, bless his heart, did not want to have this confrontation with his 6y/o daughter...."we only get to see them 2xs/yr.; they're only here for a short time; maybe it's OK to discard bubble gum that way at her mom's house; we're not going to turn around her behavior in the 3 weeks she's here, etc etc etc. I didn't want to try to turn around SD's behavior in 3 weeks; I didn't care if it was OK in her mother's home to discard chewed-up bubble gum on top of the stove where dinner for everyone is being prepared; I didn't care if the rules were different in her mother's house. I was pretty certain a 6 y/o could understand, "when you are finished with your bubble gum, place it in the trash can located here." SD did a good job of getting DH & I to play "let's you and him fight!" This incident was the beginning of a conversation DH & I had over several visits with his children, mostly involving the youngest. It took time and effort on both our parts to listen to the concerns of the other and come up with some guidelines that respected what was important to both of us, that we would both genuinely support, with DH taking the lead in communicating a few simple guidelines about expected behavior. He was the parent; it was his role to take the lead. Once we were on the same page, supporting one another, able to be clear and consistent with SD, life became so much better --- not only for DH & me but also, more importantly, for SD. There was much less confusion for her about what was expected, and we were no longer nagging her about what not to do. When she knew where the boundaries were, she no longer challenged them and the visits were more about enjoying one another and having fun during the time we had together. In summary,this is what worked for my DH & me: 1. DH & I had to be on the same page 2. We got on the same page by genuinely listening to one another and hearing what issues with respect to the kids were important to each of us. 3. We then developed a set of guidelines/expectations, incorporating what was important to each of us, that each of us could fully support. 4. DH took the lead in communicating what was expected. He's the dad. Good luck with this NoTX...if you and DH can establish lines of communication with one another over these issues, life can be so much more pleasant not only for the two of you but also your children. Hang in there!

I don't think it's a choice that should be made jointly. Children are entitled to be supported by both parents. If the ex is entitled to support (spousal, not child) then she should get it. If the terms of support are not indefinite, then it will eventually end. Some orders will continue forever until she dies or remarries. Whatever. But, if you rely on child support to live off, then 1) your child is suffering because child support is calculated with the assumption that both parents are going to contribute something. 2) Child support eventually ends when the child is emancipated.. apparently it's different in various states, but it DOES end (unless the child is incapacitated and it's ordered beyond the age of majority) When it ends, unless you have spousal support or some other source of income, you are pretty much stuck with no way to provide for yourself. It would suck to be in your 40's and looking for your first job. (My SD's mom is 35 now. Her older daughter will be 18 in 5 years and the child support she gets will end. Then what? She's never worked more than two months at a minimum wage job in her life.) Child support should not be adjusted so the CP can stay home. If she gets enough alimony to stay home, that's fine I guess. I still think she should work, even part time to contribute to the support of the child, especially if the child is in school. Younger kids that require daycare, it might be a wash and then it's better to have mom at home. when you have a child, you are supposed to contribute to the support of your child. If dad's GF sits around, she's only getting older and less employable. If she had a kid (by him or anyone else), I'd say she has no right to sit around doing nothing, she needs to contribute to her child's expenses just as much as the father. But, as long as dad is paying his obligations to you, what he chooses to do (by letting GF do nothing) is his business. I think he's a fool for supporting a bimbo and I think she's a fool for not doing anything with her life, but it's their choice, not anyone else's.

No one, male or female, should go on to have a second family if it means he or she would not be able to support the first family. I don't understand what being self-sufficient before marriage has to do with being able to support your entire household as a single parent a quarter of a century later, after having been out of the workforce for years. I was self-sufficient before WE had children. WE decided that I would work part-time, and later be a SAHM. I will never be able to achieve the income (in today's money) that I had before I stopped working - not with the gap in work history and, even more importantly, my age. Funny thing is that when my exH was unemployed, the magistrate told him that he was too old to expect ever to get another job (even my xH looked horrified at that statement) - and then the magistrate told me that supporting our children was primarily MY responsibility. My exH is only a few years older than I am. Apparently women are never too old to work, but men are. mom_of_four, I did not actually use the phrase "real family" - I said "real spouse" and "real son/daughter-in-law." An OW/OM is not one of these. lonepiper, I am not going to argue Christian theology with you, since the only part of the Bible I ever read was the old testament for high school English Lit (I still don't know why it was considered appropriate for a public school English Lit class, but that's beside the point). However, not one, but two different posters who said they were Christians told me that, and I agree with the statement, whether or not it is an accurate representation of what is stated somewhere in the new testament.