Find a single boyfriend. If you have to ask when it is “too much”, it already is, for you.

Oh, Rosie, you should have better. The thing that got me the most is that your boyfriend doesn't even have his license. Huh? Of course, your other points are very valid and I understand those concerns. But an adult not even being able to drive? Does he have no motivation? Does he expect people to always drive him everywhere? If you're not around, do he and his kids just sit at home or have to take public transportation everywhere?

Given all you've said, my humble advice is to move on.

I'm another one in the "cut him loose" brigade. I can't see this improving at all: your SO has set the ground rules and once that's been done trying to change things is like Sisyphus and his rock. If your SO truly loved _you_ and not, as I suspect, your paycheck (though I doubt he would admit that but financial stability is a huge drawcard) he would be constantly actively compelling his children to treat you respectfully and not sit on his butt while you do all the household chores _and_ the chauffeuring.

You're working your backside off - and losing financially- and I don't see any mention of SO doing anything but take advantage of the cushy situation he finds himself in. He doesn't have your back and clearly you're not getting out of this relationship with anything like what you're putting into it.

You deserve better, even if it's your own company. That's not a bad thing. Throw this one back so you have the chance to find someone who truly appreciates you.

Oh, Rosie! I so feel for you. No, you are not being an unreasonable person. In fact, you are being extremely smart, and have done fantastic job of spelling out what can be in store for many a single woman who suddenly finds herself enmeshed with a divorced dad with children.

You spelled it all out pretty good, how GFs / SMs are expected to be the odd one out, and cook and clean and so on and so on for someone else’s family, suck it up and take it, contribute more than her share to overall expenses, and yet somehow manage to keep everyone happy and satisfied, except for herself of course. I’m overbeating the drum a bit here, but making a point.

The children are not the issue. In reality, when you agree to date or take on a divorced man with children, you are agreeing to also take on all of the fallout from his divorce—the good, the bad, and they ugly. And, boy it can get ugly. Also, since you are a single person, you will have no idea what you could be getting into. This is just an example, but BM could be manipulative and controlling and DH could be weak and enabling. What that means for you is step hell, because the kids will pick up on this as well, and run with it—that they can do whatever they want with dad and you are just in the way. The daughter you mentioned, for example, will probably still be typically posing questions by prefacing it with “Dad, _____?” even long after she is an adult and you and your DH are married.

AND, although certainly not every divorced dad does this, you are basically being set up to his family's caretaker. Do you want to be another family’s caretaker? More than likely too, none of them will appreciate this from you and will even resent you for it. For example, dad can’t drive (you get to be the chauffer) and BM wants to go to school for 5 years now instead of 2 (you get to fork over your hard-earned money now to take care of someone else’s entire family). This is an amazing irony of a young and/or single women getting involved with a divorced family: Not just dad, but multiple family members, such as BM, can very sneakingly, and this may not even be on purpose, set you up to be the family’s servant, maid, caretaker, and so on, and then, turn around and act resentful towards you for it.

Believe it or not, this can go on for YEARS, before a SM may finally be able to see through all of the gaslighting that has been going on and finally realize all the crap she has been putting up with for years and years, and it all basically started way back at the beginning when BF / DH didn’t put his foot down and treat you like the SO you are, and didn’t make sure that his children treated you with respect, no matter what message BM or anyone else may be trying to imply.

You and I (and others) can already see that your BF has a history of telling you one thing, and then doing another. Once you are all living together, things will not get better. They rarely do. I would image, instead, he’ll start blaming you for making things difficult, and since you have very little other experiences to go on involving children, you may believe him. Also, if he was going to learn how to drive, he would have long since done it by now. TIME TO MOVE ON. You do not want to spend any more of your life being what amounts to little more than a family’s servant, and it sounds like in your case, they expect you to be their personal banker too. You deserve better.

And, I would go so far as to say that a single woman is better off being unmarried or in her own home by herself for the rest of her life rather than marry a divorced man with children, and the children aren't even the issue. BF / DH won’t be giving up much. He’ll be gaining. On the other hand, you will be giving up an unimaginable amount, and probably not just tangible things, but very important things as well, such as self-respect, and so on. Sure, a divorced man with children may be a great catch, but I think for single women, the cost is just too high to risk it. Let him find some divorced woman with children, and then not only will they both have a better idea of what they are getting into, but the relationship becomes more equalized because she has to give up for him and he has to give up for her, rather than just one person having to give up just about everything.

Thank you all so much for your feedback and advice. It’s so helpful to talk to people that have been in this situation before and know what to potentially expect.

I tried so hard over the last while to find solutions to our problems thinking that it would make things easier on me... but I’ve now realized that even if he did get a license and implement chores for the kids (etc, etc), it’s not likely I would feel much better. I kept telling myself that if I really loved him enough I should be able to make the necessary sacrifices for us to be together. But in the end I just had to finally admit that taking care of someone else’s family was not something I wanted to do, no matter how much I love my SO. I feel so guilty about admitting that - what kind of selfish person am I that I can’t give this to the man I love and his family? But I know it’s much (MUCH) easier said than done. I never realized just how difficult being a step parent was until I had this experience. And we didn’t even live together.

After much thought, My partner and I have separated. Deep down I knew I would be resentful for a long, long time (perhaps forever) if I remained in the relationship, and that is not good for him, his kids, and especially not for me. My confidence and self worth have just eroded away over the last while... and in the end I choose to put myself and my well being first. Sigh. I certainly have learned a lot of hard lessons during this relationship.

I'm so sorry. That must have been hard to do but I honestly do think you made the right decision. You would have ended up carrying the whole financial load and suffered for it, in several ways.

Rosie, you seem to be a caring, thoughtful and kind person but I sense that the chances of this situation blossoming into a long term mutually loving and supportive relationship between you and these people is slim, very slim. Search advice columns or podcasts like Dear Sugar or Dear Amy. Both of those women offer great advice and you may find a situation similar to yours that they have responded to. You are not the first nor only woman to find herself in this type of predicament. I wish you the best.

Also, make sure you check out advice from people who have been SPs or from SP sites. Unless you've been a SP, it is difficult to grasp the complexity of the issues and what it feels like to be married or heavily involved with someone, and yet feel like your needs are always being put aside for the so-called "greater good" of someone else, and many non-steps tend to think that the initial family are the only family members that matter.

I think you underestimate the children's intention to create friction. You don't think they know what they are doing when they do hurtful things. I was divorced when my daughter was three. Her father had a girlfriend move in with him a few years after that. I liked Lann, and we got along fine. But it didn't take long for my daughter to start trying to manipulate me. It started, and ended, when I told her no, and she said Lann lets her do it. I didn't overreact -- I just told her that there were different rules apparently, and when she was with me, she followed mine. That was the last time she tried something like that.

I think you made a very good decision to end the relationship. You may be sad now, but you have saved yourself from a lot of grief in the future.

I wish you all the best with the decision you make. I think being a step parent is extremely hard. Thank you everyone for sharing stories that are very helpful. Now I know to trust my gut and not commit to a relationship before I have a better idea of the reality. Feels like society just wants to see everyone married though.

Rosie you made a tough decision now and saved yourself a LOT of heartache. I am so proud that you saw what was going on and had the strength to make the best decision for you. You have worked so hard to get where you are only to have someone you love not do what is in your (both of you) best interests. That is not love. Find your peace and find someone who will help you to soar higher rather than be a crutch to someone who it looks like will not even help himself.

I wish you the best of luck in finding someone who truly loves and appreciates you. You deserve no less!