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Kissing family and friends

Alisande
6 years ago

In a Slate advice column recently I read a letter from a woman whose young stepson had finally warmed up to her. She was happy about this, but couldn't bring herself to follow his family custom of kissing on the lips, even though it was just a peck. I felt bad for the little boy because that was my family custom too. My cousins (children of my mother's sisters) all did the same with their families.

Socially, I've let my friends, male and female, take the lead. Some kiss me on the cheek, some on the lips, and I'm fine with either. With women friends especially, I think family custom is a big factor.

What are your thoughts? I anticipate that some of you will sympathize with the stepmother. Nothing wrong with that (again, so much depends on your family custom), although I wanted to tell her to get over it because he was just a kid.



Comments (54)

  • rob333 (zone 7b)
    6 years ago
    last modified: 6 years ago

    Depends. I grew up not kissing at all. My son is a kisser. Don't know how/why??? We're especially doting though. I think it's because it was rough for us for so long. Us against the world! Everyone else I hug, one or two armed. Depending on how well I know them.

  • sleeperblues
    6 years ago

    No lip kissing. Connotations aside, just too germy!

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  • eld6161
    6 years ago

    No lips, except for DH. I am fine with hugging and a peck on the cheek, but usually, am following the lead of the other person.

  • PRO
    Adella Bedella
    6 years ago

    I'm not a kisser. I didn't grow up as a hugger either although I do hug now. I hug and kiss my kids, but my parents weren't that way with us growing up.

  • lisaw2015 (ME)
    6 years ago

    As a child, we always kissed Mom & Dad on the cheek before bed. Do kids do this at all anymore?

    I often kiss Mom on the cheek when we part ways but my DD rarely kisses my cheek...

  • Elmer J Fudd
    6 years ago

    European style - touch cheeks and kiss the air, a couple of times while alternating sides.


    Otherwise, no lip kisses from family or friends. For no other reason for me than I don't want to.

  • sushipup1
    6 years ago

    It can be embarrassing if you do the air-kiss and the other person lays a big wet one on your cheek.

  • lily316
    6 years ago

    I have never kissed anyone except husband and when young, boyfriends. I have never kissed my kids on the lips even when they were babies. We are not a hugging and kissing family. First of, all I see them all the time. I'll give the grandson a hug since I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving, but no kissing ever in our family. We're German AND germophobes. ...lol

  • wildchild2x2
    6 years ago

    It depends how I feel about the person. I have friends I've kiss on the lips and family members who I don't. Who to kiss and who not to kiss is a personal choice.



  • User
    6 years ago

    If one doesn't mind then go for it. However, no one should have to endure unwelcome kisses either on the cheek or lips. Overlook me today, I'm a bit grumpy.

  • User
    6 years ago

    I'd like to add that just because one doesn't kiss friends or relatives has nothing to do with how much we love them. I dearly love my relatives but a hug is as good as a kiss.

  • aok27502
    6 years ago

    We weren't even huggers growing up, although I am now. I'm OK with a kiss on the cheek from a family member or very close friend. Anything else would be weird.

  • Elmer J Fudd
    6 years ago

    True, sushipup. I've made that mistake a few times myself.

  • littlebug zone 5 Missouri
    6 years ago

    No lip-kissing for me (except DH). In fact, when I see it between persons who obviously aren’t romantically involved, it makes me cringe.

  • nickel_kg
    6 years ago

    I'll gladly kiss my husband, give big hugs to husband and daughter, and one-arm hugs to my dad. That's it. I remember having to kiss (peck cheeks or lips) of elderly relatives when I was a little kid but it never came naturally. I never made my daughter kiss anyone. She hugged (and still hugs) more freely than I do, which is nice.

  • Marilyn Sue McClintock
    6 years ago

    No kissing on the lips, a good hug is fine.

    Sue

  • mamapinky0
    6 years ago

    Lisaw. Yes my daughter and both grand boys come to me and kiss me goodnight on the cheek. My adult sons both kiss me on the cheek when they stop in and as they leave.

    I don't kiss other people but sometimes hug.

  • mamatoad
    6 years ago

    I've never been one to kiss on the lips. That was reserved for boyfriends and later my spouse. I hug friends and relatives often and kiss my children, grandchildren and a couple of "special teens", but always on the cheek or forehead.

  • Anne
    6 years ago

    I come from a very kissing family....It seems that naturally we stop lip kissing when the kids hit about three.....we have never discussed it. My DH hates the way we all slap backs when we hug...


  • always1stepbehind
    6 years ago

    When my kids were little I'd kiss them on their lips, now cheeks. But now that I think of it I will kiss my "great" nieces and nephew on the lips but they are 2 and 4. I don't kiss my 9 yr old G-niece on the lips.

  • User
    6 years ago

    I give my grandson kisses all over his face and he promptly wipes them off while laughing. But he always gives me a kiss on the lips when he goes home for the night. As for family: when I haven't seen my parents or younger sister for a long time (they're a 12 hour drive away), we give each other hugs. I'm not a huggy kissy touchy person, so a hug is plenty. But when I went to Holland, my mother warned EVERYONE there that a hug for me is okay but do NOT do the kiss kiss kiss (one cheek, other cheek back to the first cheek) thing on me as I'm very uncomfortable with that. Everyone complied. Until I was at the airport in Amsterdam saying good buy to my aunt and uncle. My uncle said, "I can't do this anymore!" And he did the kiss kiss kiss thing. I just laughed. He's the only person who has ever gotten away with it.

  • PattiG(rose)
    6 years ago

    I always kissed my mom and dad when we were saying goodbye, and I saw them often. My daughter very rarely kisses or hugs me, even though she was raised that way. My family are big huggers though. I am uncomfortable when people I don't know very well try to hug me.

  • ravencajun Zone 8b TX
    6 years ago

    I will hug. Nonono to kisses on the lips. Occasionally do a cheek to cheek touch. But I have had people lay a kiss on the cheek. The friend we were staying with, she is from Sicily, and she grabs hold of your head and gives you a big smack on the cheek. First time it scared me, I am used to it now. I thought she was going to rip my head off lol.

  • FlamingO in AR
    6 years ago

    That photo cracks me up! That woman did not want whatever he was dishing out!

    I kissed my mum on the lips, we'd purse up and give each other a big smack with sound effects. I've been known to kiss a close friend who is like a sister but I'm not keen for a man (not my husband) to kiss me on the lips. A short hug will do, thanks. Even that depends on my feelings towards him. Woman hugs are fine. Crushing hugs hurt.

  • aok27502
    6 years ago
    last modified: 6 years ago

    Crushing hugs hurt.

    We used to know a guy socially who did the back-slapping hug. But he did it so hard, one time he knocked the wind out of me. I had no trouble after that just saying "hi, W, nice to see you. Do not hug me." Some of those older ladies risked broken bones!!

  • Alisande
    Original Author
    6 years ago

    FlamingO, thank you for mentioning the photo. I thought it was so funny--and the perfect illustration for this thread.

    Thanks for all the responses! I'm a little surprised at them. I expected many opinions would differ from mine, but I didn't expect so many would. Maybe I'm unusually affectionate--and maybe my friends are too.

    Watchmelol, absolutely. I should clarify that when I speak of friends in this context I mean friends: people I've known for a long time whom I care about. I'm not in the habit of hugging (and certainly not kissing) casual acquaintances, and as for people I don't like--well, I'm a firm believer in boundaries.

    Sleeperblues, yeah, germs are a concern--especially this time of year when increased social activity coincides with the flu season!

    I've been a widow so long that I don't remember if male friends kissed me on the lips when I was married. The only two I do recall were European, one from England and one from Holland. My Dutch friend always gives the traditional three kisses--and then tops it off with one on my lips.

    As for ethnicity, my mother's family was all German (Lutheran) and my dad's was Scottish and German (Jewish). My friends' ancestors are all over the map, but one thing my friends have in common is that most of them are in the arts--musicians, writers, and artists. My family was too. Maybe that makes a difference.


  • User
    6 years ago

    I am 50 years old.

    Maybe old age and senility are already kicking in, but I can't recall anyone ever kissing me on the lips other than my parents when I was a very small child.

    In my extended family, I can never recall seeing any family members kissing each other on the lips, unless they were spouses, or sometimes very small children.

    Please don't pillory me for saying this, but based on my family upbringing and my personal comfort zone, it would feel unbearably awkward if anyone but my spouse ever tried to kiss me on the lips. Seriously, it about makes my skin crawl off my body just thinking about it.

  • rob333 (zone 7b)
    6 years ago
    last modified: 6 years ago

    I think it may also be cultural (which still is upbringing). Europeans have told me more than once they dislike our use of hugs. I hadn't/wasn't hugging them. They meant generally ;)

  • Alisande
    Original Author
    6 years ago

    I'm reminded of something that happened when I was 16. I was leaving our neighborhood for the summer, and a good friend the same age, male, asked for a kiss goodbye. I said I wouldn't kiss him, but I'd give him a hug. I did, and he said, "This is more intimate than a kiss." A wise young man.

  • Alisande
    Original Author
    6 years ago
    last modified: 6 years ago

    Patrice, why would I criticize you for sharing your opinion? I asked for people's thoughts. I didn't expect everyone to agree with mine. If you've read all the responses, you know that yours was not unusual. I raised the topic because I thought it was interesting. And to me it still is.

    BTW, I'm 74.

  • dances_in_garden
    6 years ago

    I do cheek smooches on my daughter, nieces, nephews, kids basically LOL. Or all over the face kisses, but not lips usually unless it's like Flamingo said, a big exaggerated mwah!. I don't make them kiss me. If they don't want hugs, I offer a firm handshake ;). Or a fist bump because I am cool and with it like that. We weren't kissy-huggy growing up, although I will kiss my parents on the cheek and hug them hello and good-bye now. My grandparents weren't huggy either, but hand grasping when speaking to you was more likely.

    Air kisses/cheek kisses don't bother me, even from relative strangers. One time a vendor shook my hand and went to kiss my cheek for Christmas greetings and I wasn't expecting it, turned my head and he landed one right on my lips. We both looked shocked as hell then laughed our fool heads off!

    Dances

  • User
    6 years ago

    Thanks Alisande. I wasn't necessarily thinking *you* would pillory me, I guess it was just a plea to all of humanity. ;)

    You know how it goes. Someone asks for opinions. Someone shares theirs. Someone else takes offense to said opinion and then the next thing I know I have people telling me I should enter therapy because I'm frigid for not wanting to make out with strangers. LOL.


  • Anne
    6 years ago

    I kiss and hug A LOT. Just how I grew up and DH did as well. To me pecks on the lip is not the same as "kissing". My DH and I kiss differently,.,,,When I meet someone new you feel it out and it ok if they only want to air hug or cheek kiss.

    A quick peck is not weird to me but if someone doesn't like it....of course I would be fine.


  • Embothrium
    6 years ago
    last modified: 6 years ago

    O-h-h-h smoochy smoochy smoochy! As we see here people this is yet another subject where people vary. Although it also seems that on this thread there is a pretty consistent discomfort with kissing on the lips, except under specific circumstances - it reminds me of the Modern Family episode where a casual male acquaintance insists on kissing Claire on the lips (Phil - her husband - doesn't seem to notice or care).

    I kiss my girlfriend on the lips, that is about it. And lately she has been having health problems that have made it so even that hasn't been happening much.

  • nicole___
    6 years ago

    I thought "air kisses" were in style...and the norm. I'm comfortable with the less is more thing.

  • Anne
    6 years ago

    Maybe my crowd is all too familiar......

    We are a bunch of kissing and hugging people.

  • sprtphntc7a
    6 years ago

    we are huggers and cheek kissers... only kiss DH on lips.

  • Alisande
    Original Author
    6 years ago

    I just saw this video of Tom Brady and his son kissing on the lips. The second kiss is definitely longer than the kisses I'm talking about.

    Tom Brady and his 11-year-old son

  • OklaMoni
    6 years ago

    There were no kisses or hugs in my family, fathers nor mothers side... But here, in the USA, my husbands family didn't either.

    Now, my daughters and grandkids hug and kiss, but not on the lips. My son in law hugs too... and a WHOLE bunch of my friends are huggers.

    I am lucky to know huggers... cause I need a hug ever now and then. ;)


    Moni

  • User
    6 years ago
    last modified: 6 years ago

    I am generally not a touchy feely person. Don't touch me. That's it. In certain situations I will take the initiative to hug. Those situations are rare.

  • hooked123
    6 years ago

    No to kissing on the lips here, except for Mr. Sabbath 7. When we went to Japan and tried to hug our cousins goodbye they froze and looked at us like we were aliens.

  • lily316
    6 years ago
    last modified: 6 years ago

    I saw that lip kiss Brady gave his son. I have never kissed any relative or kid on the lips. Way too germy to me. We are not a huggy family unless we haven't seen each other for awhile. Our German blood.

  • sjerin
    6 years ago

    My mother always kissed us on the lips before bed; maybe Dad did too, but I don't remember. We got away from that after growing up but as she was in her last days, I started doing that with her again. Some of my cousins on Mom's side do that as well, and I don't mind.

  • User
    6 years ago

    Flamingo, if you look closely at the photo it appears to be from a dance marathon. She looks exhausted and he looks like he's holding her up, look at her feet.

  • Chi
    6 years ago

    We never kissed in my immediate family. When I (rarely) get to see my uncle and grandparents (same family), they always try to kiss on the lips but I have learned to preemptively move my face to get a cheek kiss! It's just how they greet all family.

  • User
    6 years ago

    The only person I kiss on the lips is my DH, my daughter and her husband gets pecks on the cheek and like wise. Hugs are for everyone else.

  • Alisande
    Original Author
    6 years ago

    My dad took the picture, Raye. It wasn't a dance marathon, but it was probably staged. He and his friends often had fun with his photography.

  • User
    6 years ago

    It looks so much like marathon pictures, that could have been an inspiration. That's why I said appears, I suspected but wasn't sure. It's a cute photo!

  • Alisande
    Original Author
    6 years ago

    Speaking of kissing, I turned on the TV tonight in time to see all those football players kissing a trophy. Talk about unsanitary! Someone should tell them it's the flu season. :-)

  • bob_cville
    6 years ago

    My family were mostly huggers. My wife's family usually kiss both cheeks which is not surprising given that both her parents were born in France and I have adapted to that.

    We have one friend who would be saying hello or goodbye and as came in close I turned my head expecting a kiss on the cheek, and she turned the same direction and planted one right on my lips. I was briefly flummoxed, and worried she might be coming on to me, but it has happened a couple of times since then so I guess its just her way. It doesn't bother me enough to make an issue out of it, especially since we only see her a couple of times a year.

    Growing up I had heard the term "French-kissing" and I had also often seen movies with French people kissing both cheeks as a greeting. So I assumed that's what the term meant. So when a group of friends asked whether any of the group had French-kissed someone, and I responded that I had French-kissed my grandmother, they nearly died laughing.