I would be irked too, and I would definitely forget to pick up those dog treats for her. It's kind of funny, she's even got her dog copying your dog! She must be insecure and obviously loves your taste, so I guess it's flattering. I'd just continue telling her you can't remember where you've purchased things she asks about.

She also buys the same wines I buy and then she brings that wine to my house for dinner or a party! Would be nice to try something different

I absolutely know I'd be annoyed by this! I'm guessing it's one of those friend things you just kinda have to overlook, if she's dear to you in other ways. I doubt I would have the nerve to confront her, unless it was in a joking kind of way.

They do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but golly gee!

I'm not sure about annoyance, but I'm sure I would be kind of creeped out about such odd behavior. I'm sure you're not the only one who notices her doing this.

I see little girls do this a lot w/ their besties, in fact we have a couple of 5th grade girls in our program right now who have matching backpacks & lunchboxes and usually wear matching bows & hairstyles every day - they even resemble each other physically.

But those are CHILDREN who clearly plan this out, an adult doing this w/o mutual agreement is truly weird. Even 2 adults doing this consensually is rather odd, IMO.

But angry or annoyed? I think I'd be more concerned about her mental health.

Yes. I've probably spoken of it here once or thrice over the years. It's so aggravating.

The most was when someone commented me on how young I looked for my age in her presence, "you look too young to be retiring!". It wasn't more than a month that said friend called to ask me to accompany her to a clinic for a face lift - no kidding. It sounds like this is petty, but there were many many other incidents like the OP mentioned. I always ignored her the best I could but the face lift thing really got to me. (I might add now after some years have passed, she looks practically the same as before the face lift.)

I like mtn's suggestion because at heart this is definitely a passive-aggressive thing that your friend is doing. I used to experience something similar with my SIL; she would ask me what I was getting our MIL for Christmas or her birthday, then once I told her she'd go out and get something either identical or as similar as possible. And then since my MIL is also a passive-aggressive queen I'd sit stewing while MIL oohed and aahed about SIL's gift and ignored whatever it was that I'd spent time/energy/effort to give her. The example that sticks in my mind was one year when I was dimly aware that SIL was always gonna do this so trying to be vague, I told her I was giving MIL 'some family pictures'. What I had done was put together a photo book of the kids' year, including lots of pictures of them with MIL; I really spent a lot of time and effort on the book. Comes Christmas, SIL produces a dollar store bulletin board with those ribbons across it, into which she'd stuck some pictures of HER daughter. And MIL proceeds to put the book away and rave for 15 minutes about SIL's gift. Arrgh. Still ticks me off (can you tell!?!?).

Anyway, obviously you should not tell her where you get anything, share recipes etc. The joking (not) response mtn suggests is also a very nice way to fight P-A with P-A ;). You are making a quip but you're also letting her know you are on to the game and you won't be playing any more.

I was going to say the same thing as carol. It's more than annoying, it's really strange.

I have copied a few things from my friends. That's one of the reasons we're friends, we like the same stuff! But I am always aware of not going over the imaginary line.

She does it so often that it almost sounds like a compulsive thing. Is she compulsive in other areas of her life? Have you talked to any of your trustworthy mutual friends about this?

This is the first time I have heard the term "appetizer-competitive." I love it!

I remember a close friend who was intensely jealous of her sister in law and bitched and moaned to me all the time about the things she did. One particular time, my friend complained about her SIL's new white sofas. This was about 20 years ago, before white slip covered sofas were ubiquitous. "Who does that with kids? So stupid! I can't believe she spent all that money!" So, what does my friend do? She purchases white sofas a few months later.

People are just weird.

People are truly weird. Ordinarily I'm fine with telling people where I bought things and sharing recipes. To date I have not had anyone bring "my" dish to my house or meet up with someone wearing "my" clothes. I do have a dear friend who bought a shirt like mine, but in a different color. Way different. Plus she and I don't look alike. I don't mind if we wear them at the same time.

I'd say your friend has some self-esteem or lack of creativity issues. It would annoy me. I don't know if you can fall back on can't-remember all the time. I might tell her the wrong place and let her go on a wild goose chase.

I'd be afraid, in a fit of annoyance, of just saying, "stop copying me!"

A friend shared a really wonderful appetizer recipe with me. I would never bring it to an event she might attend. I've served it in my home and shared the recipe with others, but I always tell them who gave it to me.

It looks like your friend wants to be you, and she tries very hard to be better than you......I’d keep some distance.

It's kind of sad, really. Compassionate humor is probably the best route.

Just keep an eye on your husband/wife. :P

Well, with the wine, I would serve at least one REALLY expensive bottle and hope she brings THAT the next time. The clothes thing would really bother me. I have a friend who abhors when someone copies anything of hers, but when she bought a new car, she copied me right down to the color! Didn't bother me, but years later she was still apologizing.

Maybe she is unsure of herself and not confident about her choices, so she does what you do. I would be irked about the clothing. Next time tell her you bought at Neiman Marcus and see if she tries to find it.

That is strange; same hair products? Well, I would tell her that whatever she's asking about was a gift and you don't know where it came from. I like the "I don't remember" answer too. Does she get persistent when you respond like that or does she let it go? Maybe it's time for you to start asking her first where she got something every time you see her. Just to turn the tables and maybe deflect that question away from you.

@runninginplace.....I hope you understand the issue is not yours but with others, as frustrating as it may be. If there are discussions about what gift you are giving, provide some off the wall idea that you would never give and see if she follows it. I somehow think MIL's reaction will be the same no matter what you do.

A friend of mine was doing the same thing however not nearly as bad as what you are experiencing. I bought a scarf which she then went and bought, same thing with a coat and a pair of sandals. If I know I'm going to be seeing her I don't wear any of our "twin" stuff. Now when she asks me where I bought something I tell her I got it from Winners. I'm not interested in being a twin.

Just remember that you cannot change your friend's behavior, but you can change your behavior and your reactions to her. "I don't recall", "it was a gift". it's been in my closet for years" are all good. I like the idea about questioning her. And just let it roll off you. Only you can stay irritated, it doesn't seem to bother her. I'd be limited my interactions with her, too.

runninginplace, Yikes, i'd be mad too. I agree that MIL has an issue. I'd give more perfunctory gifts from now on and focus loving efforts on those who appreciate them.

So do you like her? Is she a warm, uplifting person? I am thinking about my closest circle of friends, and if one of them liked any material thing of mine enough to "copy" it...I would be completely flattered! I love my friends, and they are all awesome...I freely share shopping advice, gift suggestions, heck...I'd happily share my "recipes"...but they are all MUCH better cooks than me so doubt they'd want those! :) Pretty much the only thing I wouldn't share is DH, lol! They can certainly help themselves to my teenagers for a bit! :)

BUT...now, if, say my SIL copied me (which she does, often & blatantly) it triggers something small and mean in me. I suppose the difference is that I just really don't LIKE my SIL. She just isn't very nice. I keep trying to find redeeming qualities in her & coming up short. So, you see, to me it seems like this "friend" is more of an acquaintance that you happen to see a lot. I would be cordial, but not give up your info.

Nini nailed it. I feel the same about my SIL. It got to a point where I just asked, "Why do you want the same paint color?" It got back to me that she told someone that I didn't want her "stealing" my colors! For me, part is that I don't like her and part is that she has this feeling entitlement. This is my DH's only sibling. Older sister passed away.

When you look at her house, she has copied wallpaper, similar bed linens etc. from me or other friends.

We help her financially and he does many things for her that she should be doing herself.

My feeling is that no, I don't want to walk into her home and see my flooring, paint colors etc.

Yet, it's true. If a friend I really cared about asked me the same things, I would be more than happy to oblige.

My sister has a relative on her DH's side that copies everything that her SIL does down to getting the same toy poodle and dying her hair blond. It is very odd and I think it does show the person is lacking personally in in their own lives and relationships that they want to pretend to be someone else that they perceive to be more successful and happier than they are.

When walking in a Mall it always startles me the racks and racks and racks of the same clothes. Then pair that with it is RARE I see two outfits at the same time anywhere!! She must really go on a mission. Take it as a compliment to your style sense and let it go!!!

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.”
Oscar Wilde

Thanks for all the replies. She is a good friend and I don’t think she is being passive-aggressive. She’s never mean about it, and I don’t think she wants to “be me”. For her I think it comes from a lack of personal confidence and maybe a bit of cluelessness. She can sometimes say things that makes me think she’s not too smart in a “dumb blonde” way, so there’s that. She likes my hair color, and she isn’t happy with hers, so she thinks if she uses my formula, she’ll like her hair. But it doesn’t work that way! She’s not a good shopper, and I think seeing something she likes on me makes it easier for her, even though we are not the same body type.

Imitation can flattering, but don’t wear clothes that I own to the same event! I guess this is what really bothers me. Even before our group trip with “my” clothes in her suitcase, I had stopped telling her where I get anything. I have also jokingly said that I won’t tell her where I got something because she’d just copy me and she has replied “it wouldn’t be the first time” so she knows she’s doing it. Maybe she does it to her other friends too.

Running, your MIL is a piece of work! You should have some fun and make up some weird gift for your SIL to copy, and then pull a switcheroo.

"Just keep an eye on your husband/wife. "

That made me literally LOL!

As for my SIL and MIL, time has smoothed a lot of those edges. For one thing MIL is deep into dementia so the holiday and gift stuff is long gone. And SIL and I have gotten closer now that our kids are grown and we have had to work with our husbands to deal with MIL(!). It really was quite a frustrating ride though--SIL used to make a point to invite MIL and FIL to her house for every holiday, and pointedly exclude us although we all lived within 3 miles of each other. Our oldest kids are 5 weeks apart in age, went to the same school and were in the same grade from pre-K to high school graduation so SIL would have an end of the year party every year...and pointedly exclude my son who used to ask me why he wasn't invited to his cousin's pool party. Good times and as Nini astutely said my SIL was definitely not someone I liked at all during those years ;).

Would she be open to shopping with you as her "personal shopper"? Then you can help her choose her own things, in her own personal style and maybe educate her enough that she can choose confidently in the future. I totally get it if you don't want to do this. I would also find that behavior very annoying! I have a friend who can always top any story I tell, so I don't tell her much. People are funny.

It very well could be two diff views.. my bff (who is like a sister) and I always ask "where did you get x?" or "you have to go here for y". Just last weekend she literally took me TO the store where she bought something so that I could get one too. It's not like everything we have is the same but if we find something we love, we share the tip. I really wouldn't and don't sweat things like having the same yoga pants, necklace, tshirt or such.. I would be upset if she showed up in the exact same outfit but honestly, that has never happened-- and both my bff and my youngest sister have a LOT of the same things I do.

"You wouldn’t need to copy others, if you are secure, self impressed and confident. Another notable and most found reason behind copying others is jealousy. Copying others is also a clear sign of jealousy. Those People, who don’t have a certain look, talent or idea will be so jealous of others. They will be never satisfied in anything they have. These people will try to take other’s successes and try to make them their own...... "

https://healthandmindcare.com/why-others-copies-and-imitates-you-surprising-reasons-635.html

From my perspective, there are actually two different issues to consider. One is that she’s copying you which can be a sign of flattery. The other is that she doesn’t stop there and insists on wearing the same things to events you both attend. That’s passive aggressive behavior, it’s not cool and I think I’d feel compelled to have a talk with her. Mtn’s suggestion to do it in a fun and kind way is one option, or you can just tell her in a nice but more matter of fact way so you know she’ll “get it”. Maybe she doesn’t realize that it’s bothering you or maybe there is a more deeply rooted reason for her behaving like that, either way it might be worth having a conversation with her about it.

I think she lacks the ability to recognize social boundaries.

Getting the same outfit, preparing the same appetizer/recipe, there's nothing wrong with that. But doing it in the same social circle-- she definitely lacks social skills.

As others have said, laugh off the questions of where you got this or that. Or tell her you forgot.

Then there's always the option where some folks who "share" recipes will leave out ingredients purposely.

Whatever you decide, don't let it get under your skin. Good friends and long time friends, are few and far between.

Do you think it wouldn't go well if you tried talking with her? I know depending on the person or situation that isn't the best answer but it doesn't sound like she's aware there's a problem and maybe would make a change if she were. ? I wouldn't lie to her about anything for moral reasons but also, how is she going to feel if she finds out? It does happen. Be honest (nice, of course). Lack of communication and poor communication is how things can get weird and messy. I hope you and your friend can work it out. I would be bothered by some of what you mentioned.

I'd laugh it off too, it's a no issue, she may be jealous/insecure whatever, but you don't have to be annoyed. Find it charming, "hey we're twins today!" instead of a competition. A choice, that isn't necessarily easy lol, but the high road.

You can see both sides, she can't.

I have a good friend like that too. Used to make me absolutely nuts that she'd ask me about something and then go buy it herself. I notice that when we go out to lunch, which we do every couple of weeks, she orders the same thing I do.

We don't dress alike (luckily our styles are very different) but she becomes obsessed with what I wear, or my accessories or my bag-and then she goes out to buy them but never does wear them. I have noticed over the years it's not just me, it's others she admires. One woman we know was wearing a beautiful scarf. Friend asked where she got it and the next week she had gone and purchased one in every color. I've never seen her wear them.

My friend does admit to having a hard time making decisions. She's definitely not a low self esteem person, she just likes to emulate people she admires, I think hoping that a little bit of their cache, or 'coolness' will rub off on her.

"Do you think it wouldn't go well if you tried talking with her? I know depending on the person or situation that isn't the best answer but ..."

I'm curious as to why talking about it with the friend might not be appropriate? IMO, if you want the friendship to continue without annoyance and resentment, it's the only option. Confrontation isn't pleasant, but neither is feeling resentful.

Whatever is behind it -- insecurities, jealousy, or whatever-- perhaps the "cure" would be to offer to go shopping with her to help her select things that suit her.

I have a friend who sees what I'm wearing and asks where I got it, and I've taken her to the same shops. I help her find pieces that work for her body type (opposite of mine, she's petite and I'm tall). She'll buy the same black pants, but who can tell with basics? My friend is at a loss about where to shop and what to get. Maybe it's the same with your friend?

One approach may be -- when she asks you where you got something -- ask her, "Hey, thanks -- do you want me to go shopping with you so you can create a style of your own?" She may jump for joy!

When we shop together, often she will want the same thing I’m looking at instead of something just for her! Honestly, I’m not a fashionista! I wear very simple clothes, usually dark solid colors and nothing worth copying.

I have jokingly talked to her about it and now I just don’t tell her where I get anything. I think having a serious conversation with her about it will make her feel even more insecure so I’m venting here instead. I really shouldn’t be annoyed about what’s really a small thing that I should be flattered by, and I’m trying to get over it. When she brought “my” appetizer to book club this week, I think she got a clue when the other ladies thought that I brought it again and there were some puzzled looks at Sherry when she said that she brought it and I think she felt a little silly. Sherry is a sweet person that always puts herself down and perhaps needs my support more than my criticism. My post here is just a way for me to complain about it without hurting anyone, and it’s good to hear stories from others who might have something similar going on. I appreciate all the replies!

You seem to have it put it into perspective, but, still, it IS kind of annoying.

However, I'd still reiterate every time she asks (in a nice way) that yes, the item is nice/comfy/tasty, yes, I'm flattered by her liking it, too, but no, I'm not telling her, but I'd love to take her shopping and only look at things for her. (yes, yes, no, but an offer).

I'm --- again -- surprised by some suggestions, such as sending her on a wild goose chase for an item --- than simply being honest to a good friend.

always puts herself down

So she's got more stuff going on than just wanting to emulate how you dress or the dishes you prepare. I don't know the root causes or even the correct way to define it, but I find that type of neediness to be exhausting and off-putting. I can only go so long reassuring someone that they're fine, pretty, worthy, nice, etc., before I want to scream.

"Sherry is a sweet person that always puts herself down and perhaps needs my support more than my criticism."

Linelle beat me to it---this is SUCH a classic descriptor of manipulative behavior! She puts herself down and then *you* feel guilty for being annoyed at what is definitely annoying behavior. Textbook passive-aggressive as well; she's doing something that she knows darn well is obnoxious (puzzled looks eh) and yet she keeps doing it while you are venting online and steaming.

I suppose it's because I'm getting older and as the country song says my give-a-damn's busted, but I just don't tolerate that stuff any more. Kitchenwich, sometimes as women we are so programmed to try to maintain relationships we twist ourselves into knots--on occasion it is ok to be guy-like, ie say what's on your mind and get it out there. 'This is really annoying, and I wish you'd stop it.'

I feel like I am the lone one on the other side of this discussion.. but if you wear simple, plain clothes (I am reading this as "classic"), I am sure she isn't the only one who has the same things as you. Sure, I'd be put off if I had something unique or special that she went and bought.. but, really, yoga pants? A simple style IS going to be worn by others. I went to the market this morning and I saw 15 people in the same tights/yoga pants and a nike top.

A recipe? Don't we all use recipes from friends-- and repeatedly make the crowd pleasers? I guess I might be upset if it was a recipe I developed-- but I certainly wouldn't care if it was something off the internet or from a cookbook.

I don't get it. Maybe because I don't I shouldn't have responded. I just know that there are plenty of things in this world to get upset about.. and I've found, for me, I do best when I let the little non-issues go.

I had a similar situation when I was a young bride. We had just bought our first house and I met one of the neighbors shortly thereafter. She was younger by six years but very nice. Strangely we had the same name. As time went by she copied so many of my ways, bought the same car, painted the house the same, wore similar clothing. When we put in a driveway, they did the following week. My husband made a front door for me out of old wood and I made a stained glass window with lead around it in clear antique glass, I carved the door knob for it and we still have that door. It was charming and went to each home we owned. Didn't she hire someone to duplicate my door. All the while we were friends and she had shared some of her unhappy life which she definitely had experienced. I tried to never react to her copying as I knew she was fragile. I went on to open a hair salon while I was at my art studio two days a week and working for four days. She then decided to go to hair dressing school, still said nothing. I had a Russian blue cat I named Sooty as they are grey. She bought one and named it Pooty.!!!! I am not kidding, still I stayed calm but, when she finished her course at hair dressing and got her license, she started coming to the salon daily and staying all day. Then I started to get annoyed, after one month of showing up daily I asked if she'd like to meet me for coffee. We met and I explained that the clientele and the people working for me felt awkward with someone watching them every day. She put her cup down, got up and left, and never spoke to me again. She died at age 50 from a brain tumor. She had left her abusive husband, went off with a woman, cut off all relationships from her children and mother. I felt so sad about all this but her Mom was a friend to me by now and explained the background. The father had committed suicide as well as her aunt and two brothers. Then I understood she couldn't help herself. I still pray for her family.

I have a few questions. If you feel close to your friend, I would ask what is going on in her life that makes even the simplest decisions trying? Maybe that is why it is easy to just copy. If this is a new development then maybe she would appreciate a close friend to talk to.

If this is just you getting annoyed after years of this behavior than I would start doing what you said. Stop filling her in on where you buy your things. Again, as I posted earlier, my SIL can be like your friend.

There might be more going on here, and as a friend, I would want to be as supportive as I could.

Funky, everything you say makes sense. But remember you are coming from your life and your experiences with your friends. We certainly all experience and react to things in different ways. :)

Yaya, we posted at the same time. You certainly reached your limit with your friend. Most would have spoken up long before. You were a good friend.

Yayagal, that neighbor sounds very disturbed -- so sad. Linelle & Running, Sherry is very very needy, and there are definitely times when it gets on my nerves. I'm going to think about what you guys wrote -- you might be on to something I'm missing.

None of us ever knows the total story of another, I try to keep that in mind, I'm not always successful but I try.