you're not a horrible person, you're a lovely kind soul that is a bit exhausted -very understandable

your DH isn't horrible either- he just thinks you're on the same page..but it's not like you told him any different

both me and DH were brought up in this strong culture that guests are sacred, family and friends stay at our place etc

so while not too often we have guests for some chunks of time..from several days to almost a year as it was with my mother in law

and yes i go out of my way. and with some guests is easy, with some more frustrating. say we had a kid of a brother of DH's friend for several days..a very nice boy..saw him for the first time in my life..obviously prepared a room for him(was old house, less bedrooms, so not as easy as it sounds)..but he spent all his time downstairs except for sleeping . i couldn't watch TV, couldn't relax and eat..I made him food, he would say "thanks" (he was a student)..and continue to hang out there. once i even told him " maybe you want to go to your room, maybe you want to rest?" he told me "no, I'm fine here". what can you do? he wasn't talkative; neither am ii (LOL!!! no, really..unless my close friends). Didn't communicate with us; just sit there watched TV or his laptop. In the end I had to sit in my room..

Mother in law..she's a darling..I love her..I also know at some point she'll live with us again..but that remodel plus her staying with us close to a year did me in. We didn't fight; we just have totallly different biological clocks..her plus my DH-I could hardly sleep even though they tried to be quiet as mouses. Then kids had to share one small bedroom and both had crazy study schedules, and DD had to study in the dining room often..so none of us could really use it. Or the adjacent kitchen since noise. Also my sweet MIL tried to help so much I felt constantly guilty. but i couldn't not let her at all because then she would feel useless. That's a very sad feeling in a new country. it was like balancing a pyramid. And she is a perfectionist who does everything really slow. My salad would take 5 min plus everything washed around. Her-45 minutes of slicing and dicing..but yes, perfect cubes. So I hate myself for seeing her spending 45 min over salad. But I'd hate myself constantly telling her "no" too..She didn't want to feel like a guest, she wanted to be a family..do stuff that family does.

And she needed to talk of course. And I love to talk to her. But it's hours..like, take me, imagine i'm the same irl and then multiply it by hundred

my relatives/friends stay with us too,might be a week or two. what can I say..my side can be challenging too:) My DH is a good sport though..they have huge respect for him, also he's at work ..I get the challenging part lol.

on the other hand if they didn't stay with us-i'd get offended. since it's part of the culture.

my sister-one and only time in my life didn't stay with us, but closeby(right on the beach)..little kid, different routine..they were here three weeks..out of three weeks we got to spend with them seven days..I felt guilty, and that I should have done more even though they often said they'd rather not meet since the kid is very tired or moody..

so it looks like ..you can't do much, you know? but you should be able to talk to your DH, He's the closest person to you, he'll understand it's important for you to talk about things ahead of a time..to get some additional holding from him..maybe to set some rules for new guests...depending on who they are of course.

and you're not horrible, not terrible..you're normal considerate kind and nice.

April,

You are a saint! What a dear heart you have. Thank you for taking the time to share and help. I very much appreciate it!

Spanish, wish I could steal your idea!

Cindy, I was joking. He would not divorce me but would be extremely upset with me. If I called his nephew and did that he would be beyond furious. I would never do such a thing.

Well, my DH used to offer to young people who work for him that they can stay in our house until they found a place. "No food, etc included." He'd asked me ahead of time and assumes it's not that big a deal.

However, in reality, they'd eat every meal with us, use our car, and leave the place a huge mess. I now know thst if you shower 2/day and don't clean a shower/tub for 6 weeks, it'll look horrendous.

After the last young couple stayed for 4 weeks, taking their sweet time to find an apartment, sipping wine and surfing the Internet until I had dinner ready every night, he realized that this is not acceptable anymore and I'm not running a hotel for people that I don't particularly care for.

I would ask DH to ask you ahead of time, and discuss what the ground rules are, i.e. how much are you expected to do and how much is your nephew expected to do, e.g. cook meals for you, do some chores, etc.

I wouldn't assume that your husband doesn't respect you. Like my DH, who's very easy going, he may not realize that it's such an imposition to you.

you're a saint..reading all that illegible mess..))

you're not alone..guests are a blessing (well most of them)..but it also means lots of work, arranging trips, making peace between folks who got offended over nothing, watching them like a hawk so wouldn't get offended again, knowing who takes what car, getting up in the morning all tired, mopping floors, making coffee..hearing "I don't drink THAT coffee, can you make me THIS one?" ..listening, listening, listening..

yeah..can get a bit annoying.

You had guests most of time you had this new house

We also had a lot of guests since we moved. And made me happy. Very happy (but the times they quarreled. lol)

But by the time my sis came it was half of me left..

And I'm very clear in my understanding that I still strongly prefer all that to nobody's coming..that's sad ..

I haven't read all of the other responses, but here's my story. We've had long-term guests several times, but they were always a mutual decision between the two of us. We have no children, and plenty of room in our house.

The first was DH's sister, when she was going through a messy separation and was not safe where she was. She actually stayed with us twice, for a couple of months at a time.

The second was the girlfriend, possible future wife of DH's brother (no, it didn't work out.) She stayed with us for about 9 months, at our invitation. She had moved here from FL to be near BIL, but religious beliefs precluded them living together. She worked during that time, had a car, came and went as she pleased. She did do a lot of cooking for us, and whatever else she saw that she could help out with. I don't remember how we handled food, although I don't remember it being a burden.

The last was DH's cousin, who stayed with us for 2.5 years. He was taking classes, and we didn't charge rent as long as he was enrolled somewhere. He had various jobs, a car, and also came and went as he pleased. He also cooked upon occasion, but mostly used our house as a place to sleep and do laundry. He was usually available to dog sit if we wanted to leave town.

All of these guests were agreed upon ahead of time. We had very few rules, but we also didn't go out of our way for them. I did not chauffeur or do laundry or go out of my way to provide food. Mostly we provided a rent-free place to stay in exchange for the occasional dog sitter or special errand. They respected our home and were well behaved. They all happened to be related to DH's family, but that was more by chance than anything.

For a while we were known as the home for wayward relatives. :)

I would not want to cause a row and hurt feeling and make DH look bad by telling the nephew "no" after he said "yes".

I would have a conversation, as calmly as possible, telling him how you feel. It needs to be a joint decision. And sometimes the answer might be no.

I hope your DH doesn't have too many more nieces/nephews of high school age or younger ...

I realized after posting that WE were one of these! Lived with my mom for three months during our remodel. I cooked, paid the bills and took her to Paris afterwards.

We were so grateful to have a place to stay because part of the work involves a whole house rewiring, which made it impossible to stay there during the work

I agree your hubby should have talked to you first.

I've been on both sides of this situation.

When I was in college I lived with my Aunt & her husband for a summer. It really helped build a good relationship with them both.
When my nephew graduated HS, he lived with my husband & me for a year while attending school.

Since your nephew in law is already on the way in, my unsolicited advice is -- set the ground rules w/the nephew right off the bat. When he first arrives, sit down at the table and say, "I just want to go over a few things so we're all on the same page."

My rules were:

1- clean up after yourself. (this included laundry) No way I was doing his. LOL

2- lend a hand with chores when necessary. (including KP duty)

3- always put the seat & lid down on the toilet

4- if you have a problem with me, come to me & I'll do the same. We'll work out any problems.

We never had any difficulties.

Ironically, to this day Nephew puts the lid down on the toilet. LOL Guess he learned something from me!

Good luck!!!

How awful. I'm terrified of being put into this situation--I have many inlaw relatives of the age group that might be looking for a good college town. I can only hope that we are regarded as heathens living in a godless town and somehow don't have to get asked...

It's perfectly reasonable to not want guests nonstop, especially if you weren't consulted. At the very least, don't treat them like guests. They aren't!

Is it possible to move the laundry machines into the other area? Obviously DH would have to do this, not you. DEMAND it. Or demand a second set.

I think you need to have a sit down NOW with your husband and say "I love having a place to offer and I know it is very important to you, but the way things have worked out when we have guests is causing me problems. What can we do to make it work better for everyone?" Then you discuss consulting in advance, making sure you get time to yourself and aren't a maid service/short order cook, etc. If you are both in agreement on the rules it will work much better.

i would even discuss what things you'd like to expect them to do. Keeping their own spaces clean seems a minimum - make sure they know where the cleaning products and tools are - and if it is difficult for them to do laundry, is there a chore you can exchange for it? Ex. You do the laundry because it is easier for you, but young fit guest does the vacuuming and mopping? Or lawn mowing and sidewalk cleaning, or whatever task you want to suggest. (Just make sure it isn't something where it will drive you nuts if they don't do it 'your' way. Like my mom can't stand anyone else wiping her kitchen counters because she has to do it just so.) What about meals? If you find it easier to do a family meal (my aunt did when she hosted exchange students) then perhaps sometimes they cook for you so you aren't doing all the work. Or they clean up if you cook, again, whatever share of the workload will reduce your stress the most.

Also, living in a rural area does not mean you need to play driver - if your husband goes to work then that is someone they could get a ride with, or you can say "I am planning on going out at such and such a time and coming back at this time, do you need to go anywhere I could drop you off?" Think bus service with a timetable THEY have to adapt to, not an on-call chauffeur. (Obviously since it is family, if they had something truly important you'd make the extra effort, like i'd fully offer to drive someone specially if they had a big test.)

The key is that your guests need to put in an effort too - they aren't guests in a normal sense where they stay for a short time and get all their needs taken care of, they are living with you for an extended period and the responsibilities are expectations are reasonably different. Would they expect a roommate to do everything for them? (If so they are in for a rude awakening.)

And if there is complaint about NOT tending to them hand and foot, point out that with younger people, one of the things you can provide is a safe environment to practice adult skills LIKE having your own home and having a roommate. You do them far more service giving them space to practice getting their own laundry done and perhaps some cooking and keeping their space clean than if you continue to treat them like young kids with parents to tend to everything.

Finally, do not feel bad at all about scheduling time for yourself. Everyone needs their own time and things they do just for them. It's perfectly fine to tell a long term guest 'hey, from this time to this time everyday, unless the house is on fire, you need to fend for yourself, that's my personal time.'

(We've had various guests for varying lengths of time, and usually THEY need private time too. So it can seem a little abrupt to just put it out there at the start, but it usually works out for the best. Though this is also why my dream house has a guest suite which is more like a studio apartment with a little kitchenette and living space in addition to a bedroom. That way longer stay guests can have a space more 'theirs' and we wouldn't drive eachother nuts being underfoot all the time.)

First of all, you are not a terrible person. Your DH needs to run these decisions by you. Insist on that. Now, regarding the nephew. He needs to have his own car to get to class. That is not your job or responsibility. He must do his own laundry. Set up a time window every week that the w/d will be available. For example, Saturdays from 1-4. Good luck and set rules up the moment he walks in the door.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and suggestions.

I will sit down with DH and share with him my thoughts and feelings. I will also make sure we set up rules together before his nephew comes.

You all make very good points and I really feel so much better after posting this.

I’m just seeing this but have to throw in my 2 cents (as usual LOL). I can understand your frustration and agree with a lot of what’s been said. A marriage is a partnership. That means you both should have a voice and come to decisions together. Of course you would say yes, not only because you want to be kind, but because a marriage also requires compromise. But talking it through together first gives you an opportunity for the “but’s” as well. It allows you to iron out any concerns together so you’re both on the same page, ie no surprises. I hope the talk goes well, just remember, it’s not what you say it’s how you say it and that can make all the difference in the world! (((Hugs!)))

Thanks Lukki! I completely agree. I will keep you all posted on how it goes. My DH is out of town right now. I will wait for the best time to speak with him. He gets home today, so I will likely speak with him if it feels like the best time.

His nephew will not arrive for a few more months. We will have time to iron out the expectations of what the rules will be.

When you do make the list of rules for the nephew, have your husband show it to nephew and let nephew know exactly what is required of him. Okay I would wash and dry his clothes but let him fold and put them away. By not speaking up you are enabling.

Sometimes in marriages where one person works and the other does not, the one working feels ( maybe subconsciously) they have more of a voice over how things are run. And the one not working obliquely agrees. You do have a voice and just as much of a right to how the household is run, even if he is the one working.

He does not get to say how you spend your time, but that you together come up with ways to divide household responsibilities, which includes guests.

Very good point Yaya. I guess sometimes I am an enabler.

Bumble, you are so right as to what you said regarding the fact he works and I do not. It does make me feel inferior at times. I feel I have to always say yes, although I am stubborn and do not always say yes (in regards to other situations). He is a social person and I am introverted and more of a person who likes to be home more than I like to go out. I am not antisocial but visiting with small groups to very large groups does exhaust me most of the time. Seems much more so now that I am older.

I need to stand up for myself more often. I worked my entire life up until he moved us to North Dakota for work. Then we moved to a rural area in Texas. It would take me hours to get to any sort of decent job. I digress.... just thinking out loud.

Thanks for the support, suggestions and thoughts.... It helps a great deal!

Whether you work inside of outside the home should be irrelevant to how you see your contribution to the family. I believe a family is made up of its own economy. Not every contribution can be tallied up in dollars and sense. Your willingness to move to the middle of nowhere has an economic value to the family unit- it's just too high to put a number to, if you think about it seriously. Families are not offices. Money and rank do not go hand in hand.

Oh boy - that would really irritate me. I can see how it could happen though. I think sometimes DH thinks I'm an "extension" of him and that I'd agree with anything he comes up with. He does some things like that but minor stuff like spending a night or two. There are just two of us, no kids and we are used to not having people around. We enjoy guests for a few days and then fine to see them move on along. It would be a big adjustment to have someone moving in for a while. Depending on who it was it might be fun - for us but probably not for the guests as we both work all the time and wouldn't be doing much to "take care" of them. I would certainly want to be consulted on the decision and would be PO'd if I wasn't.

The way things should be is often not how they are, and many men, some women too for sure, equate money with power and have a hard time separating relationships from work.

Why in the 70's, during the empowering women move, the daily work of traditional housewives was quantified and of course, many men found they could not afford their wives, if they had to pay for all their wives did! Housekeepers, cooks, gardeners, etc,. are expensive.

Aktillery you do work, just not for a salary outside the home. You are entitled to your preferences as far as guests and those preferences are (or should be) of equal weight.

I am not antisocial but visiting with small groups to very large groups does exhaust me most of the time.

May not be relevant in your case at all, but that was one of the symptoms of my major hearing deficit. It did and does take a tremendous amount of energy to participate in conversations IRL.

I wonder if, in addition to helping family, he thinks he's doing you a favor by inviting guests? He's a social person so I'm thinking he's more extroverted than you are. He travels for work, leaving you home alone in a rural community. If he likes to have people around, he may think that's what you want or need. Maybe he thinks you'd be happy for the company of guests when he's traveling?

I'm not sure extroverts and introverts ever fully understand the other side.

I think it's great that you expressed your frustration here in a (somewhat) safe place and didn't bottle it up and explode at an inappropriate time. The feedback here helped you to release the tension and focus on what you need to do to adjust or correct the situation.

House guests are definitely a topic for discussion and negotiation, even if they are family. Maybe particularly if they are family.

Oh boy, what timing. Our 6 month house guests are moving out tomorrow! My step daughter, her husband & their toddler. Originally was supposed to be 2 weeks while they got an apartment during the construction of their house. House is finally finished & while they have been good guests, we are both ready for them to be gone. Hubs wants his bathroom back, I'm tired of not enough quiet time & I know they are ready to leave. We wouldn't do this again & hubs said if their house was delayed any further they'd have to get an extended stay hotel room.

I remember other times you’ve posted to vent and can understand completely where you’re coming from. I’m also confident you’ll find the right words and perfect time. I wish my DH hubby traveled once in a while if not for just an over nighter, it’s a great way to have some space to think through your thoughts. :c)

hhreno, no.. he doesn't think he is helping me. He knows how I am. You are sweet with your reply.

bothell, wow! You must be relieved. That might kill me.

lukki, yes, he travels randomly. I do enjoy it when he does. However, there was a time when he was traveling internationally for weeks at a time. I thought I was going to lose it. Plus, some of the countries were not very safe. I was a worry wort!

Well I for one think you need at least two spa getaway vacations of your choice. Either by yourself or with a friend.

Are you some sort of super hero? I could never do year after year of long term guests. I'm just not cut out for that.

Justterri, I am not cut out for it either. I did take a vacation to visit a friend in NYC while his niece was here. I had a great time and it was nice to get away. He got to do all of the driving around and cooking etc. while I was gone. I had forgotten that she had dance lessons two nights a week. It was a round trip of an hour and a half. I also had to wait for her until she was done which added another hour and a half. She attending a high school which was a five to ten minute walk from our house but she insisted on being driven each way. Further, she was a vegetarian... she was pretty demanding on us. He will be driving so that will be MUCH easier.

Oh no...just stop! I could never do that without eventually getting an attitude.

My husbands family thought I was wicked for not taking his brother in from the U.K after his divorce. The thing is that I love his brother but knew I couldn't handle the reason for the divorce...his depression. I spent my entire childhood taking care of a depressed (and all else) mother which also resulted in my being the mother to my younger siblings.

I do truly love my brother in-law but I need my own sanity.

I did so much taking care of everyone else that now I just don't want to. Unless, it's my husband or grown sons. I would die for them.

Ak, you are a saint! The vegetarian thing would have sent me over the edge.

AK - Okay, you need to talk to your husband about how things worked with his niece. That's unreasonable in the extreme. You can tell him 'you know, I was thinking about our upcoming visitor and it made me realize I'm actually a bit bothered by how things went when Niece was here, can we talk about that for future guests?' Because how thing went with her, that's not doing a family favor and being a good host, that's being taken advantage of unless there's some reason why she couldn't do things like walk to school.

UPDATE:

I had a long discussion with hubby and he was very understanding and super apologetic. We discussed various rules for his nephew and came to an agreement. We still do not know the specifics of exactly where he will be going while he is living here. I thought it was school and now have found out it is a work exchange program.

It was funny as I had so prepared for this conversation and was so nervous my voice was shaking. I am a bit of an anxious person as it is. However, my DH understands for the most part of my sometimes anxious mental state. He is so easy going and has little to feelings of anxiety. I have tried to help him understand mine.

So, that is it in a nutshell... I could go on about our discussion but you get the gist of it.

Thank you ALL so much for your support and advice. I am not sure if I could have handled the conversation as well as I did without all of you helping me to think through it all.

As always GW and all of its members are absolutely wonderful and like a family.

I'm so glad you had a good talk with your husband. Sometimes we just don't understand/know what the other is thinking and it just needs to be out in the open.

Thanks Tina. I completely agree. I often keep certain things bottled up and after a while I can't even make sense of if what I am feeling is legitimate or if I am just plain nuts! lol

Ak, you are one of my favorite GW posters and I'm happy to hear you took some of this advice to heart and discussed it with your husband. I'm sure it feels so much better to get it out in the open.

Do these visitors get to stay in the guest room you've shown us here? As you know, it's a favorite of mine, so I can kind of understand why visitors might linger a bit too long. :)

Linelle, you are so sweet and likewise to you!

Yes, the visitors do stay in the guest room I posted. You are funny!

We actually are having a couple stay with us tonight. They may stay the weekend. I need to make that guest room far more uncomfortable and less attractive! lol Living out where we do people do tend to spend the night as it is too far of a drive to go home.

Whew! I'm glad you talked to your husband as I was getting anxious for you. What exactly is a work exchange program? Does he get paid? I'm just asking because would he need a place to stay for three months or so till he got his own place?

I am so glad you were able to have an open and honest discussion with your husband about this issue. As an introvert who needs my own space, having long-term house guests would be difficult for me too.

Justerri, I have no idea what it is. I know it is only for 6 weeks (better be) bc he is in college. I will keep you posted.

AK, I am glad you aired it out with your DH. Your home is lovely, and i am quite sure you feel protective of it, as well as your own private space. Understandable. We also live in a rural area. It’s not for everyone, but most who visit us appreciate the quiet beauty and love their stay. We haven’t had your situation. I am so happy you did come to an understanding and set some ground rules.

Whoops! I was reading all the responses, but I had to skip to the end.

A big part of it all is I do not work and my husband does.

No! No! No! Your husband works outside the home. You work at home. I would not realize this so strongly, except that for the first third of our marriage, I did not work outside the home where someone else paid me. Then for 19 years I did. Now I am back to working in the home.

YOU DO NOT REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE AT HOME ONLY!

Well that’s a relief AK! I’m so glad that you’ve had a chance to work through it with him and find resolve. What a great way to start the weekend!

Glad your conversation was successful. It's so important to be on the same page with things like this.

Good good. It sounds like your DH is a good guy. Just a little too good. :)

There are worse things!

I’m happy to read you had a successful talk with your husband, AK. You seem so sweet and I’m sure your DH is nice, too. I’m not making generalizations because I don’t know your DH. But the men I have known are happy with direct conversations. They don’t intuit feelings like we do. Good for you!

I am sure your husband does not realize that this upsets you. You need to tell him your feelings.

On a side note, my father built a huge house but only put in two bedrooms. He did this to limit the number of visiting in laws. He also refuses to buy a second home with more than two bedrooms.

I am glad you cleared the air about how you feel with your DH. I think you should send your nephews clothes out for laundering to ease your load or DH can help ;). Also if the nephew eats meals with you a take out night once per week and the boys do prep and clear on Saturday and Sunday would be another ground rule too. Good luck and I hope your nephew is less maintance than your niece. Xo

Or, maybe the nephew can also cook once in a while. Guys can cook! My dad knew his way around a kitchen, and my brother certainly does.

And if he doesn't know how to cook, he should learn. It's a life skill.