Advice for a cold stepfamily

8 years ago

last modified: 8 years ago

I'm Kyle, I'm 19 and live with my mum, stepdad and my 2 stepbrothers. My dad died when I was 10. It's so hard because whenever I am at home, it feels awkward because my mum is always working and then it's just me with my stepfamily. I don't really get along with my stepbrothers like I've heard them talk about me behind my back. My stepdad as well is cold with me and rarely shows his affection. My stepdad insisted that I move into the small room near the attic because my stepbrothers share a room and the room they have now isn't big enough. He said they should have my room but when I said that I can just have their room he kept going on about how he was going to use that room for his artwork and that I don't need much space. They've wanted me to stop working as much at my paid job and making me work more at home because they find it hard to do simple household chores. I don't get why it is so hard. Slowly, I've been finding the increase of chores a lot more than what it used to be and one day I couldn't be bothered so my stepdad locked me in my room until I said I would do it. Ahhh so frustrating. I just want to leave. They moved in from the city and they're not used to country living since my house is in the country. The other day I got so pissed at my stepdad cause I was trying on one of my suits that were my dad's and then he looks at it and tears a piece off on the side. Like what the hell it annoyed me so much. I asked him why he did it and he said that the suit was raggy anyway. My stepbrothers were watching too and laughing. It can just be super frustrating. My mum rarely knows whats going on cause she's always working and I don't really want to tell her what her new husband has been doing when she's not around cause she's under so much stress. I just need some help and I would really appreciate some tips to just get along with my stepfamily. Thanks

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Comments (4)

Kim Aves
8 years ago
Talk to your mom. She chose to bring this man (and his two sons) into your life. What were her reasons? How old are your stepbrothers? You are 19, and you could leave the home. Not saying you have to at this point, just saying you could. A lot depends on your mother.

Interesting that your situation sounds much like a modern-day Cinderella story, only with men instead of women. Nonetheless, in this case mom is still alive and therefore also needs to be held responsible for what is going on in her own home (and she also needs to know).
kyle_shuttleworth19 thanked Kim Aves
jewelisfabulous
8 years ago
Agreed. You need to let your Mom know what's going on when she's not home. Be specific, give examples, when it happened, who did what, and who was there.
kyle_shuttleworth19 thanked jewelisfabulous
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There are a number of issues at work here... And it sounds like you thought your 'belle' might be the solution to all your problems, and jumped in too quickly -- but now, you're seeing the flaws, and there are lots of them. First off, the immigration solution you contemplate is illegal. Not to mention the harm it would do to your daughter. There are many kind and loving women who would accept you, your children and your HIV status. Of course, you have to be available and unattached to look for them. Secondly, your daughter's attention-seeking is also very, very normal. What child would not want to see her father before heading off to school? And what normal child would not want frequent reassurance from the parent who clearly loves her when forced to live with an adult who clearly doesn't and constantly nit-picks. Thirdly, your "belle's" manner of correcting the children is harsh, demeaning, degrading, and perhaps worst of all, contagious. Witness how her own children now scream back at her. Is this the type of conflict resolution or parental correction you want your children to learn? Frankly, 'belle' is not the b-word I would choose to describe this woman. You sound like a gentle man with a lovely way with words. Don't you want your children to learn how to use kind words and deeds to solve their problems? To me, this point is so, so important. And finally, to your HIV status. You should not be forced to keep a secret like that in your own home. Living a lie, as if you were, in fact, a pariah, the way certain unenlightened elements of society may portray you... Every day you 'sneak', you validate that treatment. But at the same time, I am sensitive to the legal and practical realities of things -- Is there an HIV-support center where you could find how courts generally rule in cases like these? You don't want to cost this woman her children... On the one hand, given what we now know of HIV and 'casual transmission' chances, I don't think it's any of the kids' father's business what your medical status is. But on the other, as a parent, if my child were living with someone with HIV, I would want to be sure he was taking all appropriate steps to keep himself safe. Bottom line -- Lose this 'belle' and the last point becomes moot.
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sorry, I thought i had posted it, but forgot and just wanted to give the update at the tail end. sorry for wasting the space.... rgds, Less_Lisamarie
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I don't think it's so much about overstepping as being mindful of what the concern is. I'm taking gma58 at her word that she knows hte problem is SD is worried about how her relationship with her dad will change. And it is likely that it will change. That's not necessarily a bad thing; relationships (friends as well as family) change over time as the people in them change, grow, and enter new life circumstances. Getting married after being single for 25 years is a big change in life circumstances, it is natural to expect gma's fiance's relationships with other people including his daughter will change as a result of that. The fact that gma is not trying to take SDs dad away from her is of course a good thing, but her fiance's life is still changing and all that goes with that. So I just don't see how gma having that discussion with SD is going to be very helpful, and may come across as insensitive-- not recognizing that things are going to change for SD, no matter gma's good intentions. If gma said SD was personally hostile towards her, that would be different. But if SDs concern is purely how her dad's marriage will affect her relationship with him, I think dad needs to be the one who deals with it.
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Given that he adopted the older kids 40 years ago, I might assume he did so out of sense of obligation maybe? Or perhaps for his wife, so the children would all have the same name as illegitimate kids used to be treated differently or having kids with different names was not as acceptable back then? I'm only speculating & it's hard to understand what we are not familiar with so I don't really have any advice. I know my grandparents (who would have been in their 90's today if they were still alive, were raised differently. My grandfather was out on his own at 11 or 12, washing dishes & struggling to find a warm meal & bed. He raised three children, giving them the basic essentials but not much else... he didn't have a father to teach him how to be a father but he was a good provider. My dad is also a good provider but has taken it upon himself to work at being different from his father in his parenting of his kids... so I think part of it is finding an understanding of where a person came from than trying to understand why they would do something that someone from THIS generation would consider appalling.
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Kathy Johnson
8 years ago
Well said Kim. Your mother definitely needs to know what's going on. As has already been said, SHE brought these people into your home. It is kind of odd that you didn't go live with them as is usually the case. If the step brothers are alot younger than you than they probably won't ever have much in common with you. And the step father might not know how to relate to you. How did you all act before the marriage & move in? Again, your mother needs to be aware; whether she does something about it is beyond your control. At 19 it won't be long before you can move out, if you choose to. Or stay there but a bit removed from the rest of the family could give you privacy while looking out for your mom. Either way, unless your step-father & brothers are handicapped, they should all help with chores.

Your story sounds alot like my husband's. His biological mother ran off when he was 2, his biological father remarried when Kenny was about 10. The father worked off in oilfields or laying pipeline so it was mostly Kenny & his step-mom. She is the coldest person I have ever met. Knowing Kenny's stories about her, I don't care for her much. Kenny's father died when he was about 13. ,y this time he had a half brother & the step-mom was pregnant with his sister. She remarried not long afterwards to a man with a son close to the brother's age. They mentally & physically abused my husband every day until the day he turned 18. He had already graduated high school & was working. On his 18th birthday he went home, went into his room, & shoved as many clothes & personal items as he could into a paper sack & walked out. He said I'm leaving on the way out & thats all that was said. His biological mother had been waiting on his birthday to come, & called the house. She was told he had started walking & picked him up off the interstate. She wasn't that great a role model - drugs, etc. so when he got tired of it, he'd leave. He'd crash with friends or sleep under bridges & in old buildings or if the weather was nice, out in the woods. One year he slept in the building the school stored some kind of athletic equipment. He was finally able to get his own place but sometimes he didn't have enough money for groceries. So he would walk into a McDonald's & grad handfuls of ketchup & salt packets, & go home & tear those packets & squeeze out that ketchup & salt into a saucepan with water & have tomato soup. Not once did he blame God for his situation or let that stop him from achieving whatever goal he had for himself.
kyle_shuttleworth19 thanked Kathy Johnson
Juanita Kelly
8 years ago
Does you dad have any relatives you could live with? Talking to your mom is a good idea, but unfortunately she may be putting herself first. In quiet, ask your mom if you can have the suits, pack them up and send them to dads relative.

Advice for a cold stepfamily

Comments (4)

Kim Aves

jewelisfabulous

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Kathy Johnson

Juanita Kelly

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