I grew up in a rural working class area and grown men would slow dance or participate in a relatively staid form of clogging, square dancing, and polka. Grown men did not fast dance.

Our high school dances seemed to consist of couples slow dancing and girls fast dancing by themselves with each other. I think things were starting to shift a bit because of Saturday Night Fever and such, but at my oldest sister's wedding there was no dancing (other than the traditional couples switching with parents) because my sister's husband refused to dance any more than that.

When I went to college I was surprised at how guys from different areas seemed to be unselfconcious about dancing. And when I went to weddings that time, many of which were working class, essentially, I was surprised that even "old" guys would dance to fast music, and even very elderly women would dance to anything even current top 10.

I feel like as the educational level rises, the more self-concious males become regarding dancing.

I was moderately involved in the urban club scene (and was pretty naive really about how drug-fueled a lot of that was) and it was important to be a competent dancer. It was also important not to show off, but you did not want to look at all lame either. But the club scene at that time was very much about trance and deep house music which went on for hours at a time. But once I grew out of that, it seemed like I am back to being self-conscious.

I used to work first aid at big gay dance events in Montreal like Bal en Blanc (although it looks somewhat straighter now when I examine pics on the internet, this was 15 years ago). Anyway, I worked with my boss who a bit older, fantastic guy who was really dedicated to sexual health in underserved communities including MSM and teenagers. I'll never forget the first one we walked into, the bass was pumping and he just rolled his eyes at me and said in his typical very flamboyant manner, "Honestly you NEED drugs just to deal with THIS MUSIC!"

My other story from that night is this gal was shepherded into the first aid area by her three very muscular, very strippery friends. She was in a K-hole and looked real weird with it. She passed out for a few hours with the aid of some stuff the doc gave her, then told me she must have just needed a nap and tottered on back out to the action, Well, next day I was in the pride parade and so was she (with her three buds)! I couldn't believe she could recover from that much Ketamine, dance all night and then spend all day dancing on a float in the hot sun. I was straight up dying and had been sober as a judge the night before.

At the time I mostly danced in gay clubs, at lesbian events (quality of dancing much worse), or at hip hop clubs. No shortage of men dancing at the first and third options, and yes it was somewhat important to have a good skill level. Although it also mattered just being hot and friendly.

If I were a straight guy I would learn how to dance for the attention! Ladies love guys who dance! And the bar is extremely low - just showing willing is enough. For a gay man, I think other gay mens' standards are generally a LITTLE higher for dancing, but I see lots of dudes just happily rocking out in a silly manner, as long as they look like they are having fun and aren't being creepy to the other guys it seems like a non-judgmental vibe to me. I guess most of my gay friends now are bears or admirers and they're generally a non-self-conscious bunch. Maybe more so than a bunch of young gym rats.

Hmmm ... be the change you want to see. Focus on the people who like to dance. Do not think about what those who are too self conscious.

Actually I am concerned about this dancing problem myself. My eldest son (18) is very self conscious about dancing. He was a very good cotillion dancer actually- quite good- stylish even- not just rigidly following steps- but at parties- he is self conscious about just free form dancing.

Our social circle is heavily European, so men dancing and having fun is the norm. Even my very American husband is great on the dance floor.

No way my husband would get out on a dance floor and do "unstructured" dancing. He's bad and he knows it. We have been to a few weddings this year where we danced and we had to resurrect our college ballroom dance class skills. We were pretty rusty but it was fun and made me want to get out and do more of that. I don't like unstructured dance all that much either but it may be because we learned how to do something else early on.

My ex would not dance no matter what, so I divorced him.

White man's overbite --LOL.

What is interesting about the wedding I just attended (working class), is that once alcohol started fueling things a little more some of the guys (who were mostly between 30 and 40) did some "challenge" or "throw down" kinds of things: A couple of them were very adept at the moonwalk. A large kind of out of shape guy did the worm all the way across the dance floor (Tom Cruise in Risky Business). A couple did break dance moves including a brief headstand. Two guys jokingly twerked in front of the bride. They treated all of it as a big joke, but the thing is that you can't do any one of those things without actually knowing how to do it or you could break your neck or throw your back out especially if you are not 18. So they must somehow get some practice. (?)

Of course I have to jump in on this post!

My wedding was two weeks ago, and we had a fabulous seven piece band. It was a cover band. People danced the whole night long. My husband is a wonderful and yes, enthusiastic, dancer. We planned our wedding around the availability of this band, LOL. Mostly white middle aged professional crowd that danced all night long. (I’ll have to look at my wedding pictures to see if the women outnumbered the men, though. The evening was a blur to me.)

jo

"...but the thing is that you can't do any one of those things without actually knowing how to do it or you could break your neck or throw your back out especially if you are not 18. So they must somehow get some practice. (?)"

oh, Pal, that made me laugh. So cute. So very logical. You can't be worrying about that if you want to dance! Just get out there and have fun!

Well, the part I was thinking about though is, they could do those things with some skill, so why were some of them sorta bad at regular dancing?

Great topic!

80s Club scene veteran here. I would not be found dancing anywhere today. I'm not sure what happened. Couple observations:

1. Ethnic and folk dancing provides a structure and method. People seem to enjoy it at all ages, and into their 80s and 90s. You can call on that experience and have fun at weddings and other events if you are not self conscious. But for a random white guy with no heritage in dancing, there would be no entry point where you pick this up.

2. Did I ever move that well, or did I just not care?

3. You need feedback. Like those guys who inexplicably do the moonwalk. They practice(d?) in front of the mirror. I guarantee it.

I am thinking that maybe part of the difference with the more athletic stuff that you have to learn and practice is that they are specific things, and they don't require maintaining a sustained rhythm, which I think might be a problem for a lot of white guys.

I don't think you could be an actually bad dancer and have been part of the club scene, I think you would have to pick up some skills just by repetition. If you are dancing to a thunderstorm with bits of different songs woven through it for an hour at 3:00 am, you would have to fall into a rhythm I'd think, even by accident.

I have been in some social situations where I have felt that it would be a bad idea to be "too good" a dancer, if that makes sense. Like you couldn't be taken seriously in your day job.

I don't know that I was ever great: subtlety was my watchword. But I don't think I could have been terrible, I was approached about dancing on a bartop in a place that featured ordinary sorts of people, no MagicMikes or anything. Part of it may have been that I was self contained and kind of small and wouldn't fall off the bar. There was one guy that could slowly and in a very controlled manner pull himself up into a handstand in a very small amount of space, for example. Of course I didn't do it, I would have found the entire thing embarrassing in general, combined with the fact that I was working on a post-doc at the time, and the two things would have been a sort of incompatible combination.

As you know, DH and I are huge live music fans, so a DJ was not going to happen. We did not work around the availability of the band like jojoco, but we did approach a band we saw on one of our first dates at an Oktoberfest, and although they normally did not do weddings, they did ours! They were playing a date in her hometown of Cleveland, so they were able to play our wedding in Buffalo. Also, goes along people will dance if the music is ethnic.

How can you NOT dance when you have this:

I feel super self conscience dancing. What I have noticed at the wedding of my nieces and nephews (Now all mid 30s) is that they love to dance and are talented at it. I think that generation is more comfortable with it. Maybe I am just to worried all the time about what people think about me or too insecure about looking clumsy (which I am).

You ever watch any of the 24 hours of Happy? Literally 24 hours of people dancing to the Pharrell Williams song. I never made it through the whole thing...

One of the first dancers is a white guy. I was thinking when he started...he's not so good...but on the contrary, it's kind of mesmerizing.

Can you be too good? Yes. A friend of mine was too good. So he made it a joke. He would have been one of the guys twerking the bride. And he would have dialed up the camp to 11. He turned his talent towards imitation as opposed to expression. Safer that way.

Mavis Staples has a new album out and is touring again. In an interview she said (paraphrase) "I thought to myself if I still want to sing and perform, I better get up and start moving. Otherwise it's over." So yeah, in many ways we have to keep moving. Not just walking on a treadmill, but actually moving.

Just went to a Halloween party/dance last weekend. SO would not dance but it was an age thing, his hip is killing him, I think he will be getting it replaced sooner or later. But he is a WASP and very conservative in his manner, so rarely can I convince him to cut a rug. My mom's WASP family didn't dance on religious grounds, so that was out. Dad's Jewish family, it's practically a requirement--both men and the women loved to dance and my aunts and one cousin taught dancing.

Loved DC clubbing when you could always count on getting hit on for dances (and maybe a beer)!

"I was self contained and kind of small and wouldn't fall off the bar." Funniest pal quote ever!

I'll give a first hand report on the white-bite-boys at DD's wedding this weekend. It will fun to watch how they dance. Might depend on the music and the booze. LOL.

My Asian-American ex wasn't much for freestyle dancing. When we got married, I signed us up for dance lessons (we learned night club two-step) so that I could even get him out on the dance floor for our first dance. That was pretty much it, though for him and dancing.

I don't remember the boys growing up being so inhibited (I graduated from high school in 85).

My senior prom was basically boys and girls slow dancing together and girls fast dancing while 80% of the boys sat there. Of course it was also completely forbidden to carry an umbrella under any circumstances, so there were lots of things.

At all the younger peoples weddings I've been to nearly everyone under 40 danced freestyle. I think a lot depends on the DJ, too. At my younger DD's wedding, there was not one single person who did not dance at least once-even my brother, who I don't think knows how to dance-got up and danced with his wife. But we had the best DJ. Other weddings with mediocre DJ's had by far fewer people dancing but as the night went on, and the booze kicked in, more were hitting the floor. Thankfully I've never witnessed the Moonwalk, the Worm or the Electric Slide at any wedding I've attended.

Most recently at my niece's wedding I noticed that all the young people, male and female, were on the dance floor nearly the entire time. Mixes of music, from country to current pop to 80's music and they were all out on the dance floor just bopping. At one point I was dancing with the groom and three of his friends came over to dance with me, so I was surrounded by a group of adorable young southern boys all dancing away happily with this old Auntie. But I know the FOB and his friends didn't dance-those guys didn't dance when we were the age of the wedding party, so maybe it is a newer generational thing?

we're Jewish; we just dance:)

weddings are especially seen as a must-occasion to dance whether you move gracefully or not; most dances are fast; one has to be happy..and more than that, make groom and bride happy. so folks really go out of their way and just dance..on my first wedding that was a traditional one (it was not a big wedding but still around hundred people; we chose one of the cheaper hotels as our venue mostly since it had a view on Jerusalem hills..) and many hotel guests from other countries just came to watch the wedding. since guys made a huge rope out of hotel napkins tied together and were jumping that rope:) also since one's supposed to make a bride and a groom happy and to make them feel even more elated one of the traditions is to put a bride on one chair, a groom or another-and then several strong guys raise the chairs and dance with you in the air while you try to hold hands...when you're not holding onto that chair for dear life..:) that was kinda scary. But they didn't drop us. So if I sound sometimes like I've been dropped in my childhood too many times-it didn't happen on my first wedding:)

(after the wedding, one Brazilian lady-who was amongst the enchanted watchers- talked me into giving her my wedding bouquet , with tears in her eyes, because, per her explanation, she needed good fortune or something. I saw her for the first time in my life and kinda wasn't inclined to..kinda at all..but she was so hysterical I of course gave her the bouquet..lol)

(second wedding, I just put on my best jeans and we went to the local City Hall..so no wedding:)

but I remember the first one quite warmly of course. even though the Rabbi was unexperienced, it was his first wedding ever and he was so anxious that he told us after the wedding it will be his last one too. LOL

(btw I noticed older men really know how to dance..older women too. There are always several older pairs that start to dance-and everybody's amazed..)