The nightmares of death.

calwhiteknight54

I lost my wife to cancer 3 months ago. It happened so fast it still doesn’t seem real; I was blindsided. I can't believe she's gone. We had the most incredible marriage and love story. I miss hearing her voice, her presence, her smile, her laughter. It’s unbearable at times. I can function just fine during the day and interact with other people, but the nights are a torment. I cared for her daily before she died, and held her hand as she passed away. But, the pain and torture she endured haunts me. Some of the things were so horrible; it's like a nightmare. To see the one you love so dearly going through the agony of death and yet you're helpless. I’m sure there are others who’ve gone through the same thing. How do you deal with guilt and torment? Does it every get better?

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bleusblue2

It will get better but nobody can say how when. Somehow it becomes part of your life and it only hits you full force at certain times. This feeling you have is almost unbearable but you will bear it. And, you have this to be thankful for: you were THERE. You were with her even to the very end and she was cared for as she deserved to be. Not everybody has the gift of being there at the last moment. Even the most loving family and partner may not be there at that moment.

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calwhiteknight54

I appreciate your comments.

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Ninapearl

i'm so sorry for your loss. i am coming up on 10 years since the death of my husband, my soul mate, my everything. as you had with wife, we had the perfect relationship, it was the best 12 years of my life. our only difference was that my husband was sick with cancer for 21 months before he died in my arms.

to this day, i have feelings of helplessness and even anger that i could not do more to ease his suffering. those times, however, are much fewer and farther between than they were at first. for months after he died, i lay awake at night torturing myself with feelings of inadequacy. i promise you, it will get better as the months and years pass. your loss is still very fresh. give yourself time to grieve. some day your memories will be of happier times.

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calwhiteknight54

Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

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Joseph Corlett, LLC

Cal:


Your wounds are fresh. Give them some time, please.

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dowlinggram

My husband and soulmate of 51 years died last December. I miss having him around all the time but the evenings and nights are the worst. He had prostate cancer but it never got to the unbearable pain stage. Instead for the last 2 years his body went through the just shutting down stage. I'll never know the exact cause of his death but it doesn't really matter because he is gone and I can't bring him back and that's what matters.

I do feel the loss but don't feel guilt or torment. Perhaps that's because his home care nurse told me that it was my care that kept him alive as long as he did live. I was there for him every step of the way and did all I could for him. That gives me comfort and soothes the loss a bit. I will go on because I know he'd want that for me but keep his memory alive. He was a wonderful man who always put his family first. I often talk to him on those dark nights I can't sleep and believe it or not that helps

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Ninapearl

i'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. i'm glad you are able to grieve without feeling guilt. my hospice nurses told me every step of the way that i was doing a wonderful job but i always felt i could have done better. not sure why!

the first 2 years was the hardest. i thought once i got through the first year of "firsts", it would get a little easier but it wasn't the case for me. on new year's eve going into the third year, i woke in the middle of the night to gary sitting on the bed next to where i laid. he cupped my face in his hands as he always did and gave me a kiss and then he told me he was well and that heaven was a beautiful place. he said he missed me terribly but he was happy and he wanted me to be happy, too. i swear to God, i could smell his cologne and i was not dreaming, i was wide awake. i've had dreams that seemed real but this wasn't a dream. it was so real, so so real!! i will never forget that encounter. we had the sort of relationship that death could not end. i am convinced gary was really there, right there. it was so fleeting, it lasted only seconds but i will never forget it.

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bleusblue2

You are so fortunate. I wish I could see him again. I don't know why this happens. A friend, who sees spirits, saw him and he spoke to her. I should be satisfied and yet I keep asking to know that he's there -- while still not wishing to disturb the order of things, not to interfere with whatever journey he must take.

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Ninapearl

i count my blessings. you will see him again. it took 2 years for me. i think he knew i wasn't ready until then, that it would have made me sad instead of happy. i remember it like it was yesterday, it's been 8 years since that night. i think about it often and it makes me smile.

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Suzieque

I heard something recently that helped. You don't get over, you get on. Yes, the torture of missing your beloved will live on, but she would want you to continue your life. The loneliness and feeling of loss is overwhelming. I feel for you and certainly empathize (as someone who has experienced it).

In time, in YOUR OWN TIME, you will find a new path, not forgetting or disrespecting her, but living your life. Don't let anyone dictate that amount of time - - - it's yours, and yours only.

My sincere condolences and loving thoughts to you.

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Ninapearl

i was told you can't go around grief, you have to go through it. i found this to be true. i tried everything to NOT grieve because i thought it would literally kill me. that's how much i missed him, i simply did not want to live another day without him. when i finally resigned myself to the fact that he was really gone and i had better get my act together or i would curl up and die, i got ok. not good, just ok.

as the years have passed and i have had so much happiness over the last few, i feel like i have moved on in a sense. i have no interest in dating and i'm fine living alone with my dogs. i have said this to others who haven't been through this agony and, unless you have, you can't understand it but...i am glad he died first because i love him so much, i would not want him to have to go through this kind of despair. he used to even tell me, he hoped he died before i did because he couldn't live without me. *sigh*

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celeste

calwhiteknight54, I hope you are still coming on here to read this. I read your post and can feel your despair and pain. I didn't lose a spouse so our grief isn't exactly the same but I can relate. My beloved father died from cancer 2 1/2 years ago and I was blindsided. I had just lost my mother after having cared for her for 7 years (in my home) when I moved my dad in to care for him. Their deaths were only 7 weeks apart. I was expecting mom's but not my dad's. (She had Alzheimer's). He had lost some weight and had started having a couple of 'falling spells' and we felt the grief of losing Mom was accelerating his decline. When he started coughing up blood I took him to the doctor for tests where it was confirmed he had lung cancer (non-smoker). He had a DNR order and did not want to live his last days in the hospital. It was too late for treatment. He was gone in 10 days. I cared for him myself through it all and held his hand when he took his final breath. I was so traumatized from losing Mom, who I was alone with when she died, and then to lose my Hero so unexpectedly and soon was too much. I feel like I had PTSD and I feel like I still do. I replay those final days of his life and the horror of watching him die in terrible pain. I wanted to save him and when I realized I couldn't, I wanted to go with him. I truly wanted to lie beside him and die with him so I'd never have to be without him. I understand that feeling of helplessness you describe because I felt it too. I loved and adored my father more than anyone of this earth and it has been an unbearable road to travel. Not just him dying but as you say, the nightmare of what I saw him go through and what he looked like when he passed. I could accept Mom's death better because I knew for the 7 years I took care of her what was expected. I still mourn for her every day but she passed peacefully so I don't have the guilt. I still feel guilty that I couldn't do more for my Dad. It does get a little easier with time but it does not erase the pain or the thoughts of what could I have done different or better. The pain is less raw but it's still there. The 'what ifs' sometimes haunt me to this day. I have no words of great wisdom, only to offer my sympathy for your great and unbearable loss and prayers that you will find some peace and healing as time goes forward. Please take care.

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JoAnn_Fla

I am so sorry for you loss. We all know just how hard it is. I am at 6 yrs now and I still have bad days. We just learn to live with it and try to go on. Guilt is hard, I think it gets easier with time, torment will come and go. Yes, it does get better. Sometimes I feels like its been 20 years since he's been gone, then other times like yesterday. I hate every minuet of it. Stay strong, you can do this! This may help a bit. Just widows & Widower's

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marylmi

So sorry for your loss. It does get easier but it will take time

It has been seven years since my husband died of Alzheimer's and I still think about that time and how hard it was but so thankful I sat with him all night talking to him, before he passed away the next morning. It is hard to lose a loved one but it will get better. Wishing you the all the best.

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