Death of my son's fiancee at age 26

21 years ago

My son lost the love of his life to terminal liver cancer on Sept. 11, 2004. This is like a nightmare to me. I love and miss her so much. She was such a wonderful young lady and very very brave til the end. It is very hard for me as a mother to see my son in so much pain and not be able to "fix" it. Will this ever get any better for us? It is so hard--I seem to cry constantly. My son still cannot bear to speak her name without sobbing and crying. I feel like I am close to a breakdown. Is this normal?

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Comments (8)

socks
21 years ago
How tragic. Of course your emotions are normal. As a mother, I know how your heart aches for your dear son. I don't know what to suggest except to be with him. Maybe when things settle down you can honor her in some special way, like making a garden, planting a tree, or some kind of donation of money or time to an organization she loved. I'm so sorry.
Vickey__MN
21 years ago
I'm so sorry for your son's loss (and your's too). The one thing everyone stresses here is that greiving is normal, no matter how you do it. Everyone grieves in their own way. One is no better than the other, and all have their own timeframe. The grief wound is still really new, it does get less "extreme" pain after a little while. By "extreme" pain, I mean that not every little thing will set you off EVERY time. The grief still hits at odd times, and that's something I didn't expect.

I won't ramble any more. Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.

Vickey-MN
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You know Bob, the things that stick out in my mind is I have to give you so much credit for how well you were doing and how hard you were trying with him. We kids never usually see our parents clearly and it is always easier when they too become parents of teens and so on later in their lives. Somewhere down the line he would have come full circle, or not, the choice would have been his. He probably just needed to have that one thing mentioned that would just 'click' right with him. We do though as kids need to come to realise that parents are not infalible as all humans are not. We are just people living, learning and trying to do our best. It sounds like you have done a fine job of trying to pull it all together over the years and were a caring and patient person and father to your kids. They learn that by you being supportive and caring towards them, whether you are present in the household or not, that you do care about them. You know all of this but it bears repeating. It's not the quantity of time that you spend with them but the quality. The minutes do count but not so much as the moments. Just staying involved in their life and what they are doing and what matters to them, should matter to them when they get old enough to know what really counts and they have sorted out 'Life 101' better. Bottom line is everyone just wants to feel loved for who they are and where they are at in life. Love, acceptance, unconditional love. Could you son possibly still have been on that journey of asking himself, who am I, what am I, where am I going and where does this all fit in with my life so far. It takes a great maturity to arrive at looking at your parents clearly enough to see that they faced the same set of circumstances that we all did. We can all make mistakes, miscalculations. We can all forgive, forget and move on too. We have to deal with what life is handing us and try to make the best of it with what we have to work with or go out and make it a better one. We create what our life will be. A wise man once told me that if we are forgiven, how can we not forgive also. Give yourself time to forgive yourself and let the pain go from the distance that was created by your son. It may take you some time, but give yourself the permission to fprgive all and move beyond that. Your son just wasn't up to that level of understanding yet. Given time and patience most likely he would have gotten there. All the best my friend, Lucy
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I'm so sorry. You'll never be the way you were, nor would you want to be; as you said, he was your true love, & he wouldn't want you to grieve & be miserable & not enjoy, relish, & revel in the life you still have on this earth with your/his children. You are a vibrant young mother with 2 dear children tethering you to this earth; your mission here is important & it won't be complete for many many years. Your precious sons are the next links in your beloved husband's chain of life, & you're the one who can nurture their connections to their roots, for their sakes & for the sakes of their children., Please take care of yourself, in every way. Eat right, don't drink, make sure you see people every day (isolation is an enemy). Grief is deep & dark, but depression is a physical malfunction that can be beaten. Get outside that house & get your heart pumping; oxygenated blood is the best medicine for...well, many things. I know you don't feel like jogging or playing tennis or swimming, because not wanting to do anything is a symptom of depression. Make yourself do it anyway. If you can't summon the strength, have someone call you every morning & tell you to get up & get dressed & get outside. I always managed to get up if I knew someone was on the way over to take me to jazzercise, etc, somebody who wouldn't be embarrassed to bang on the door & holler at me to get my @ss out there. & go to your doctor: this is the year 2014, & there are sophisticated medicines out there these days to help you. Enlist some help; go to your family, friends, neighbors, church family, people at work, people you meet in the grocery store (seriously, I've found that saying "what a beautiful hairdo!" or "is that the best peanut butter?" provides a tiny little spark of human contact that really helps you to keep putting one foot in front of the other). & this may sound off the wall, but do something for someone else: it lifts the spirits & affirms...something, I don't know what. I do know that researchers have discovered that giving makes people happier than getting, or as our grandmothers said, it really is 'more blessed to give than to receive'. I wish you the very best, including a long & satisfying life, filled with the memories whose pain will fade in time, leaving only a sweet joy.
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Oh maryjo..........I don't know what to say. I can't imagine the hell you are going through. I think that's something that all parents fear as the worst thing that could ever happen. I'm just speechless. I can't imagine the agony and loss. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) It really does put everything in perspective, doesn't it? Perimenopausal symptoms mean absolutely nothing, in comparison. I wish there were some way I could comfort you. I'm just so very sorry for your loss. Try to hold on to the love of those around you. And somehow believe that you will see him again. Talk to him now. He's probably right there with you. My 17 year old son just walked in, and I hugged him soooo hard. I will remember what you've said Maryjo, and keep everything in perspective. I will be thinking of you Maryjo, and sending comforting thoughts and hugs your way for a very long time.
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Help I have the same problem but it's EVERY weekend and it's MY house and MY bed. at first it was just saturday night but now his ex has taken to last minute asking my fiance to take his 8 year old daughter on friday night's. the first night she asked to sleep with us he got mad, he was still enjoying our cuddle time. i felt bad cause our relationship was so new i told him she was scared and it was ok. WHAT A MISTAKE! it hasn't stopped since, 3 months. he doesn't even try to put her in her own bed. if i do stay in the bed i usually end up on the couch. the other night i went to sleep in her bed but could not fall asleep. i thought screw this, that is my bed. they were both asleep but i pushed myself in next to him. i don't know what to make of it. i can't think she's afraid. it's a small house her room is literally 10 feet down the hall. we leave a light on in her room, the bathroom light on and both bedroom doors wide open. i've talked to him about this twice and my plan was to just go sleep somewhere else but now i'm thinking he can sleep with her in the little twin bed or if he can't be man enough to stand up to her and lets her come to our bed he can sleep in the middle so i can still be close to him. she does this whenever we are together. if we are sitting on the couch she insists on sitting between us. when we took her to the movies she let us know well in advance she was sitting in the middle. i hate to sound like a spoiled child. i just don't know what i am doing. i never dated a man with an ex wife let alone children so all this is new to me. he doesn't have these things to deal with as my children are grown. i think it is even harder for me because when my son was the same age i had moved in with a man and he was still dealing with his father's and my divorce. he would come to our bed almost every night. my boyfriend at the time would get very angry. i worked really hard to get my son to sleep in his bed through the night even as it broke my heart.of course i wanted to comfort him and make him feel safe. i feel like i am in a terrible position
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starduster
21 years ago
I'm so sorry for this great loss. I think it is normal. I just lost my brother 2 months on the 19th of sept. I still find myself sobbing. How young to be called away and not get to have her marriage or children some day. It was the same for my brother.. he was only 39. I pray for peace in my heart... because I know he is at peace.

My heart goes out to you all.
dcrowex
21 years ago
I am terribly sorry for this loss that has affected your son as well as you. It is like a double loss for you as you grieve for this young woman but also grieve for your son. As a mother, you will have these feelings as we never outgrow the need to nurture our children and always feel their pain. Keep him close to you during this difficult period and hopefully he will continue to share his emotions with you. It is important that he let his feelings out and you are the closest one to give him that avenue. You are sharing your grief together.
I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you both.
deb
lulie___wayne
21 years ago
I'm so sorry. I know it must be so hard for you to have lost such a wonderful girl and it's even more hard for you to see your son in so much pain. No matter what the reason, it would hurt you to see him hurt.
Both of you have lost future dreams and that hurts. It is very normal to feel the way you are feeling.
When my daughter was killed, it took her boyfriend who was only 18 at the time, four years to date another girl seriously. He compared them all to Christin and they didn't measure up. He did meet someone that he fell in love with and married this summer. You son will do the same in time, and he will never forget this girl that he lost and you won't either. Keep her in your heart forever.
It's all hard to understand and I'm so sorry for what you two are going through. Please continue to come here.
((((((((((((((((Mandi))))))))))))))))))))

Lu
lulie___wayne
21 years ago
So sorry Craftygal! I want to hug you, but gave you the wrong name. I had just read a post at the Kitchen Table that a girl named Mandi wrote that also needed a hug.
((((((((((((((((((((((Craftygal))))))))))))))))))))))))
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site
julee_ann
21 years ago
I am so sorry for you and your sons loss. I know you would like to just hold him tight to you and make his pain go away. I went through basically the same with my loss. It was my daughter who was killed and my heart just ached for her boyfriend. There was nothing our family could do to take his pain away except to be here for him. The last time I talked to his mom she told me that he was almost his old self again and that was after a year and a half. They werent engaged but I knew they were headed that way. They were soulmates. My daughters boyfriend still comes by to see us and hasnt dated yet but he is moving ahead and we are so glad that he has found some peace. This is such a tragic loss for your son but in time he will start to heal and the pain will not be so sharp. Hugs to you both. Julie
trinitytx
21 years ago
i have gone through the same thing. my son, however turned to drugs after the death of his fiance and mother of his daughter. he is now in jail because of it.
you can lose more than one person in this sad situation.
my heart goes out to you.
feel free to email me. maybe i can help you, and you can help me.

trin

Death of my son's fiancee at age 26

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socks

Vickey__MN

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