Elmer

The way a parent responds to situations like this may set the stage for whether the child will talk openly about future issues. A parent should be able to discuss situations, not clam up because the discussed person may possibly be in the child's life in the future.

Mamapinky, Cathy will be trouble. Good luck.

At least the salon owner will set it straight.

Ack! I misread, thinking the stylist called you, not that you called him. Same result. "Cathy said..."

If you want to lay this out, all parties will need to be present: You, Tim, Matt, Cathy, and Cathy's brother (the stylist). ALL need to be present if you bring this up.

If you are certain of the facts I think you need to tell your family how Cathy's behavior has given you a poor opinion of her.

Yes Rita, exactly, a no-name, no-blame conversation of a generic sort (about feelings and communication, not about haircuts or specific people), sometime in the future. Some weeks in the future.

Sorry, Lucille, I can't go along with your suggestion as previously mentioned.

Cathy is just a girlfriend. Girlfriends come and girlfriends go. I would not bother to straighten out this mess. It will just cause more trouble. I have watched people tell blatant lies in front of rooms full of people and be undeterred.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed- IMO, Mamapinky is all set for any future interactions.

There's no way Tim went behind my back and ask for this hairstyle. First Tim would have just ask me for it...he hasn't a manipulative bone in his body...he's too shy and self conscious to change his hair from his comfort zone.

Tims version would be the absolute truth except he did not hear the conversation between brother and sister.

No I have not spoke to Cathy yet. Some of you tell me not to but I'm making my own decision. I've decided I'd like to hear what she has to say on the subject. I'm going to ask her to drop by for an ice tea on the patio away from the kids and I'm just going to ask if she knows how Tim ended up with this hair style when I ask for a short boys spiky.. of course in the end it won't change anything as the deeds been done. Or maybe I should ask for a lift to the salon so her brother can shorten it some and in a very casual manner say by the way however did Tim end up with this hairstyle. of course the stylist may have already told his sister I called him...but ya know what I find odd...I haven't heard from Cathy since the hair cuts. She had been calling me while on her way to work around 7.30 am every morning. Could be she's just busy.

On the other hand what's my talk woth Cathy going to solve.....here's the facts

I told the stylist short spiky cut and showed him a prior pic of the boys on my phone.

I stepped outside on the phone.

Tim reports stylist and Cathy walked away from him and were talking he did not hear what was said.

Stylist asks me when I spoke to him on phone if Tim was mad at me for having a mohawk hairstyle done. And tells me his sister told him I wanted it done as a surprise.

I already know in my mind what happened....I think I'm back to letting it go now that I've reasoned it out. Nothing will change by talking to Cathy...it could actually cause more problems.. I know I sound like I haven't made a firm decision.

Something else... on our way home from the haircuts Cathy was very quiet only speaking when she had to respond. I'm wondering if its because I didn't respond in any way to Tims cut...I'm sure there had to be shock on my face when I first saw it, but I made no mention of it there or on the way home and I can't tell you how many times I've smacked myself for not saying something right away. It would have been solved than and there. Hindsight.

I sent my last post in before reading all the others . I had it all typed up earlier but couldn't submit it because a storm took my power out for a few hours.

Elmer, I think your advice about putting some space between the discussion and the event is spot on (I also agree about how you suggested discussing it). It makes a huge difference with my boys if I give them more space to process before the discussion. It's not my personal inclination, though :-)

With our power out a few hours we all sat around having cookies. Lol....I brought up Tims haircut...I ask Tim if he had any thoughts as to why he was given this haircut..grandma right after you went outside Cathy ask her brother why my hair was sticking up and she came over and pointed to my cowlick than they walked a little bit away and talked but I couldn't hear them but when the man came back he turned my chair around and I couldn't see in the mirror but Cathy came over again and said make sure his cowlick blends in... that's all I know. I said Tim you know how I ask the stylist to cut your hair? Yep grandma a spike and you showed him my school picture...Tim did you ever mention any kind of haircut to the stylist or anyone else ..no grandma I don't think I even talked I was watching the kids. Tim dI'd you want a mohawk or a different style than what you ask me for....no I like my regular hair...that's when Chippy piped up I want a mohawk yada yada..lol

As I said my post was typed up several hours ago....after talking to Tim I've decided to let this go. Tims not hurt oh he's slightly not happy but he's not scarred for life. I'm not talking to Cathy about this I'm in fact going to avoid her if I can. And yes Rita I am forewarned about this girl. I'm keeping my mouth shut and waiting to see what happens with her and my sons relationship I don't want any parts of being involved in any way. Matt is very protective of his family and would be mad as heck if it turned out Cathy did change the hairstyle..he's also smart and will pick up quickly on any not so nice traits this girl may have. I don't want to influence this relationship in any way. So I'm dropping it. I'll take Tim to my stylist for a trim on the top.

Honestly Mama if I were you when I saw how it was cut in the salon I would if spoken up right there and said.... nope that won't work

MiMi I'm still giving myself heck for not doing that. I was instantly concerned about Tim and how upset he was and I knew saying anything would draw attention causing Tim more unrest, but if I could go back I'd do what I'm supposed to do which is be proactive for my kids. I always try very hard to do the best thing for the boys but sure do make mistakes along the way. LOL.

Mama, you were getting a promotional haircut from a friend of a friend, so to speak. You were not in an easy position. You did not want to upset Tim by suggesting he should feel self-conscious, and you probably did not want to offend Cathy's brother. I say you displayed grace under pressure!

Why did you have to leave the salon during the cut? An emergency or something?

first saying i did NOT read every post hear. as a non-boy who wears her hair VERY short... have had 1-2 not so great cuts over the years. imperfections in short cut pretty much disappear in not much more than a week. had one time where "stylist" (pretty sure in training?) all but uttered a loud OOPS! and almost was in tears. bit of a boo boo right at hairline on back of neck. all i said was make it blend in... till i come back in a month or so.

Didn't read all of this but I have to giggle at being shocked by too short hair. When my older son was in school we argued about too long hair! He grew up to have a perfectly normal haircut and I wish I had saved my breath to argue about important things.

I really like the cut in the picture the OP posted.

PKponder. There were many children in the salon, I'm hard of hearing. Hubs generally only calls if its important and since he's been fighting lung and heart issues I felt I should take the call. I also believed the boys would be safe with Cathy watching them which she agreed to do. I didn't just walk out. Lol.

Dedtired I was shocked because it wasn't what it was supposed to be. The back and sides were darn near shaved off and down the center of the top its 2&1/2 inches standing up haha. Yep I was shocked. I have some news to share with you all but right now I have to run for my doctor appointment.

Matt my son is comming out tomorrow to help with some yard work. About a half hour after he called and told me this Cathy called and ask if she could visit for awhile while Matt was here....it was almost out of my mouth to say I was going to be busy, but her words stopped me....please don't tell Matt what I've done....I said What did you do...she said you talked to my brother so you know what I did but please don't tell Matt at least until I see you and explain. Ok Cathy I will see you tomorrow and hopefully you will explain this to me. She thanked me and that was that.

So her brother told her about my call to him. I'm relieved that she made the first move although it may only be that she's worried about Matt finding out. I take this as an admission, but I am curious as to why.

That is encouraging. I hope you have a very nice and non-dramatic Sunday.

The plot thickens......

I think it would be really unwise to ever agree to keep a secret with someone like her from your son. If he ever learns you agreed to keep a manipulative act from him, more or less conspiring with his new girlfriend, it could really test his trust of you. I'm sure you know that, and you may choose to not tell him for now, but I'd never let her know, nor would I agree or pledge to her you won't tell him.

I believe in a post above you already stated you were not going to tell Matt. Has that changed? I'm interested to see what Cathy's explanation is. I have a feeling that it will be something along the lines of "I wanted Tim to have a "cool" haircut, but I knew he would be too shy to ask for it". She is running scared now, because she knows you know the truth. She is a real piece of work. Do not this girl manipulate you.

Mamapinky, you already have lots going on, you certainly don't need the stress of this girl.

I didn't not agree to not tell Matt...lol

I'm about to be stuck between a rock and a hard place because Matt is going to question Tim today on his hair...there will be some fun bantering back and forth between Uncle and Nephew most likely brought on by this hair style which is out of the ordinary for this kid...Matt will say Tim I think its great you picked this style..and BOOM...Tim will say I didn't and neither did grandma...that will bring questions from Matt.

I am not going to volunteer to spill the beans but neither will I lie. Matt is very close to his nephew, understands his shyness and finding out Tim or I did not choose this cut will dig and dig for answers to *than how did he end up with this style*

I am hoping Tim is wearing his ball cap when Matt arrives he sometimes does wear one...than when I talk to Cathy I'm going to encourage her to tell Matt herself what happened...and I will explain Matt is going to question Tim on this hair cut..that's going to lead to Matt questioning me because he knows darn well Tim would not ask for this style and he will think the most logical thing....that I ask for it. Matt is not a disinterested uncle..he pays attention to his nephews and knows them well.

I agree 100% with what Olychick wrote above. What does she expect from you, was she asking you to lie about it?? ? Surely she realizes Matt is going to notice and ask questions. Does she expect Tim to lie about it? This girl sounds like nothing but trouble. Big trouble down the road. You don't need this in your life!

I do hope you will keep us updated on what happens when she comes for the visit. This is getting really weird! !

Rusty

I am totally confused.

She disrespected you and took a great advantage when you left your child alone with her.

She then caused him disgrace, shame, and a level of fright.

Then you pay her, tip her, and let it all seem as inconsequential.

Now you're going to allow her in your home? What is she planning to do to scare the young boy this time? Will she even bother to wait for you to leave the room?

I do not have children, although a young nephew lived with me for years. No one would have made him feel the way you describe your son's reaction with out unleashing the full force of my protective instincts.

I do have a strong Mother Bear instinct. This woman and her high drama, manipulation, and passive aggressive behavior would never my around child or my home, again.

Good luck with this, Mama. I know you would never compromise your integrity with your family. I am sure you will manage this situation tactfully always allowing the events to speak for themselves.

Mama, mirroring works really well when there is a conflict. It lets people know you are actively listening and empathizing with them. All you do is rephrase what they are saying every once in a while to ensure you understood what they said.

"So Mama, you are saying hot water kills germs?" "I see." Etc.

You would be amazed at how much this diffuses tension. In conflict people are very concerned about being heard and understood. Show them those things are covered and the conflict simmers down quicker without your having to actually argue about anything. ( You are not showing that you agree with their position, but that you understand it and see it.)

I don't know if this will help. Knowing you it's probably how you already handle things anyway.

Rita that's right I much prefer thermal action to reduce germs instead of chemical action.

No I would not do anything to compromise my integrity with my family. Trust is very important to me and its been one of my top prioritys with these kids, because it goes hand in hand with honesty.

Caroline both boys are at their friends house until 6...I hear ya girl and I felt the same way...I was not comfortable having her around the boys. We don't really know this girl...well we know enough not to trust her. Caroline I'm making sure the boys are in a safe place having fun and not exposed to this conversation or anything negative. Anyway she's on her way and should be here within 20 minutes. I have to set the tea tray up and change my blouse...can't face the unknown not looking my best haha...I'll see you later

Best of luck. You are a wise woman but don't get lost in the minutia. Does not matter why she did what she did. She still went behind your back and Tim's. Why she did this is irrelevant. As far as Matt finding out, let the chips fall where they may. Your only concern is trust- For Tim to know that he can rely on you to support and guide him over life's rough patches and for Matt to know that he can rely on you for support and respect. Also I think it is suspicious that Cathy did not ask Matt to come along. Of course, Matt would have to check that you are available. Please don't become involved in Matt's relationship with this girl. All you can do is hope for the best.

Why all the drama over haircuts? Carry on and let it grow. This is beginning to sound like an eipsode of the Real Housewives of the Kitchen Table. Sheesh.

justlinda, IMO, it's not about haircuts. It's about a manipulative "new-to-the-party" person who thinks she has full reign.

I hope everything went well today.

I'll start at the beginning. .Cathy arrived and I gathered things up to sit on the patio...its important to note here that she arrived before Matt who told me a week or so ago that he would be here around 3...Cathy arrived about ten till 3...I no sooner poured tea when I heard Matt pull in I expected him to come in the house and out back looking for me which he did, but instead of comming out back he spoke thru the screen door asking me if I would come inside a minute...this is pretty much the conversation when I excused myself from Cathy a moment....mom why is Cathy here? Well she called and ask if she could stop by to visit and she wanted to talk to me while you did yard work.....Mom I'm not seeing Cathy anymore didn't you get my voicemail I told her last Sunday we wouldn't be seeing each other again I'll tell you about it later mom you should get back outside...

WHAT.... holy cow...so Cathy knew Matt had this appointment here and used me as a way to see him...outside I went....

Cathy what's going on? I could see she was instantly stiff her body stiffened as did her mouth...I leaned down and handed her her tea just to ease her....she sat down and started talking a mile a minute...telling me she drinks too much...she said Matt found out she was drinking and driving with her daughter in the car and Matt told her she should really get some help and he would take her or go with her if she needed a friend to help..she said she got mad but it was the alcohol talking and saying all the bad things to Matt but he left her and won't speak to her and that Matt called Cathys mother and explained about the drinking and driving with a child..she was really talking so fast.....she was extremely agitated. ..I was trying to think fast what I should do at this moment.....some of you will never understand what I did do...but I did the only thing I could do....I sat down next to this girl who I already could smell alcohol and I hugged her...she caused my grand embarassment, she lied and manipulated Tims hair cut....and I plunked my fat butt down and hugged her....I told her to go ahead and cry...once she began to calm down I told her Cathy you can not drive your car off of my property drunk..you need to call your family your mother and have someone pick you up..I expected a fight but she called her mom who was at my house within 10 minutes. ..mother kept thanking me and I think I seen tears.

The haircut was never brought up...Matt missed all of this as he ran his dad to Advance Auto and for gas for the tractor. I dumped all the tea out and washed the pitcher and glasses and thought about my actions...why did i hug this troubled girl...because she is troubled and try as I might have never been able to change my personality. At least not the **I can save the world** part that has caused me no end of problems in my life. I know how many of you will think badly of me about my actions, and that's ok...but I feel ok about what I did. Matt and I talked he told me Cathy has a drinking problem and I told him about the haircut..it just felt right to tell him...the boys stayed later than 6 at their friends and Matt went to pick them up..they all 3 came running in the house laughing as Matt threatened to put elmers glue in Tims hair so it could be used as a deadly weapon...Tim laughed and laughed and off the three ran out in the yard.....so its over folks...Tims hair will be fine a lot sooner than that poor troubled girl will be.

Mama- you were kind and graceful. Sounds like this woman has a lot of problems but at least she got to see someone care while also firmly expressing that it isn't acceptable.

Sounds like Tim will be just fine, especially with Uncle Matt around to help!

Mama,

I hope you and your family see calm quiet times ahead so you can enjoy your life without so much stress and drama.

Thank goodness. I hope Cathy gets the help she needs. I am glad Matt caught on to her quickly.

You did the right thing- nothing wrong with compassion but that does not mean you need to let her into your life.

Thanks

No she's not going to be involved with me or my family. I don't have the strength to befriend her. If she should call I won't answer.

You must be very proud of your son, Mama. I am glad everything worked out. Of course you would reach out to Cathy, you are kind and giving.

Thanks Rita...I just couldn't find it in me to be hard to her..she's hurting her child and herself far more than she has my grand. of course I won't be taking Tim to the same stylist for his hair trim I don't want involved with that family...however Tim no longer wants it trimmed Matt convinced him its way to cool of a cut and will go himself tomorrow for the same cut. Haha. .believe me Matt will do this.

Maybe it's because of a male(me)-female(everyone else here) disconnect but the story line seems to have gone the way of a second-rate daytime soap opera set in a small town. Everyone concerned needs more and better/different things to keep busy with.

I agree, my feelings in a nutshell.

Doesn't matter ^....not your life.

Elmer is this your way of belittling me? Didn't work

Thing is if this is a small town second rate soap opera. ...you all watched it.

This reminds me of my sister...she used to tell me all the time...Cheryl you never have drama or problems in your life..I told her sure I do. Her response was always well sis you never ever share your drama and that makes others look at you as if you think your perfect....if she could see me now, I joined Houzz and found it easy to open up.

The absolute worst thing a parent can do is express dismay/frustration/dislike of a pre-teen or teenage hairstyle. It is very healthy in adolesence to differentiate yourself from your parents. Nothing like a haircut they hate to do the job.

Thank You Rita and Thank You Olychick.

Joseph...I agree which is why I made my kiddo believe I knew he looked great. He was actually protected from all this drama except of course the hair cut..lol

Elmer, it should have been a SOB moment for you.