I hope you feel like some of us get it and want to support your feelings. We're all so different, but I don't think anyone is trying to hurt you. It sounds like you've found a resolution for yourself, with the hope that maybe someday your hubby will come around and make this right for you. I hope so, too!

First off, lucky, I'm sorry you were dismayed at some of the responses. Sometimes typewritten words come across quite unlike how the writer intended.

Secondly, I'm with you on the fake stone. I know others wear them, but I don't, simply because I know they are fake, a substitute for the real thing. That's just how I feel. I'm not saying others are wrong - I just feel differently.

So you need to have a real, calm, sit-down conversation with your DH about your rings. You need to tell him straight-out that you want a new, larger, real diamond to wear. It is apparently affordable to you now, and you want it JUST BECAUSE.

I forgot to add - I, too, upgraded my original .22 carat diamond engagement ring. Twice. I now have a very nice marquise center diamond surrounded by 22 smaller stones in a newly-added ring guard. Also, on our 30th wedding anniversary, DH and I choose a 2 carat multi-diamond anniversary ring which I wear on my right hand.

All because I JUST WANTED THEM. Some people drive fancy cars, wear designer clothes, and take elaborate vacations. I want real diamonds. :)

I think it comes down to whether or not you would wear any piece of jewelry that brings up unpleasant thoughts? I gave away one very valuable item that was given to me in a most ungracious manner by a family member because it was "due to me " as an inheritance and she was obligated. Every time I looked at the item I could see her hateful face. I passed it on to someone else who loved it.

This is such an interesting topic that I have thought about many times in my life as this happened to my mother. I remember feeling hurt for her. I don't wear any jewelry myself, even though I have a couple of nice pieces. My husband doesn't mind as we have always believed that a ring doesn't mean anything to us or deter anything, behavior does. I haven't had my wedding ring on in over 10 years. I keep my jewelry in a safe and have told my children that if they can not afford when they get married a nice ring that I will split up my jewelry and they can have it made into a nice ring. I feel like I understand the OP and how she feels, even though I hate wearing jewelry myself I completely understand. It's funny I hate the way any type of jewelry feels on my skin.

Lucky -- apparently your father-in-law was a very controlling, unsentimental person and that's what your husband grew up thinking was "normal." I never knew my (current/second/last/forever) husband's parents because they both died before we ever met (just as both of my parents had died before Hubs and I met). I would have to say, though, that out of the five boys in that family, my Hubs is the only one who is thoughtful and sentimental. Not that the other four are "thoughtless," but they definitely don't put as much thought into things as my Hubs, and they are nowhere near as sentimental. I'm certainly glad I got the one that I did! :-)

But, even with as incredibly thoughtful, caring, and sentimental as he can be, there is one thing he has just never gotten into -- buying cards. I'm the type of person who will go into a Hallmark store, or stand in front of the greeting card section in the grocery store, or drug store, etc., and be there for ages reading all of the cards until I find the one that says just the right thing. Hubs rarely ever buys cards. When he does, they're fantastic, but after 36 years together, I can say he's given me perhaps 15 cards (if that many). And that's for birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Days, & Christmas. He's the type of person who will ask what I want for my birthday, or for Christmas, etc., and then if I tell him more than one thing (thinking - "ok, here's a list from which you can choose something"), he'll get everything on the list, and then some. Many times he has asked, "what do you want for your birthday/Christmas" and I'll say, "just get me a card -- all I want is for you to buy me a card," but do I get a card? No. He's not the type to go into Hallmark stores, and if he goes into a grocery or drug store he just goes in for what he needs and doesn't spend any time going up and down every aisle (which is my MO) so cards don't even enter into his thought process. And I've learned to live with it. Much as I would love to get cards from him on a regular basis, there is so much else about him that is so far above the norm that I'm ok with it. After all, I'd rather have him than a card.

I don't think you can 'upgrade' an engagement or wedding ring. It is what it is, which -- to me -- is a symbol of the specific occasion when you agreed to marry. The whole notion of 'upgrade' is a slick sales pitch from the diamond industry.

You can buy some other piece of jewelry. You can marry someone else. He can marry someone else. An old stone can be reset for a new purpose.

I am surprised that someone with 'plenty of money' would bother with a fake diamond of less than a whole carat. Gosh, the mounting must be worth more than the stone. (I was picturing some bling rock of at least three carats to flash around in the Mexican sun!)

You want a diamond ring. Your DH doesn't want to buy you one. What does this mean to you? What does it mean to him? Maybe you both need to sit down with a counselor before this 'stone in your shoe' cripples your love

Lucky- I understand what your going through and I am glad that you posted as I think it's refreshing when people are real and share real issues and I thank you for posting. My mother received a cubic zirconia ring from my father and I was always weird about it, it hurt me for my mother as strange as that sounds.

Lucky0003, there is nothing wrong with wanting to upgrade your engagement ring. I did after 25 years. After all, I married the man not the dress, shoes, or ring!

Lucky- I am so sorry this thread brought up unpleasant feelings. Jewelry is personal and sentimental and I understand exactly how you felt about the ring. It was very kind of you to be so open and forthcoming with everyone here, like Sabbath said. It sounds like your husband is a very good and loving man.

My husband and I could not be any different. Total opposites in every way (except politics). As I said I am not a jewelry person so I wear none. I had a skinny wedding band to match my Keepsake small karat diamond ring. I'm not sentimental so I ditched the skinny band for a wide gold one a few decades later but now I wear none. I didn't like my engagement ring so I took that stone, one that my mother left me and one an aunt left me and had them made into a three stone setting which I wear when I'm getting really dressed up to go somewhere. If I don't like real diamonds, I certainly wouldn't wear fake ones.

Lucky, I hear your distress. Back on our 10th anniversary, I was feeling kind of the same -- dear husband wasn't giving the occasion much "importance", for lack of a better word. Those were the days of the Franklin Mint catalogs ... and when I saw a ring with rubies and emeralds in the shape of a rose flower, I sent off for it without even consulting him, because I knew he'd "poo poo" it, that such an ornate ring wasn't my style. In a way he's right because I've only worn it a couple times. But he's wrong because I wanted it because it was beautiful, and it was our 10th anniversary. And 20 years later, I still think it's a pretty ring -- but I remember that it was "my" gift to me, not "his" gift to me. It does make a difference.

I wish you well. Sometimes just venting feelings helps!

My husband picked out my diamond for me 49 years ago. I would never want to change it. It meant the world to me he had picked it out.. it's just jewelry.

Lucky, my first husband was a very insecure, controlling man. And I aided and abetted him in his control. When he left me for someone else, I went into therapy and learned that some only has control if we give it to them. And that pattern gets set very early in a marriage and is very hard to change.

I doubt your husband has any intention of changing his controlling ways, but you do have a choice. If that flashy CZ makes you unhappy, just do not wear it! Is he going to break your finger forcing it on? Most likely not.

It sounds as if you've had a lot of very rough years in your marriage - losing children, a controlling husband, feeling helpless and hopeless. I strongly encourage you to see a therapist and find out how you really feel about all that has happened to you and what you can do about it. When one changes, it does cause change in others as well. But the change can only come from within oneself - we cannot force someone else to change.

I was very lucky to have a wonderful 2nd husband for 27 years until he died from prostate cancer. He was NOT controlling - I made sure of that before I married him!

Get yourself some help and support,. You DO deserve it.

I don't follow your logic at all. You keep referring to your current ring as fake. It is a ring, isn't it? Therefore not fake. No more than an adopted child is less a child than a biological child. All real, in their own rights.

One ring would have a diamond. One ring has a CZ. Both are rings, nonetheless. I do not understand you saying you are passing the cz off as real. When someone admires your ring, all that is required from you is "Thank you!".

If a boor says they love your ring; is it real?, they don't deserve more than Thank you. At this stage of your life, why spending large sums on something that is only window dressing, is beyond me.

But, what do I know? I'm still working the kinks out on this 52 year old marriage. Quite frankly, I enjoy paste, or cz as we know it today. I can change jewelry on a daily basis and never feel like I'm breaking the bank. When someone admires something, I thank them. When they press further, as some have done, I smile and move the conversation along. Because they are rude doesn't mean I have to be.

I make sure the jewelry is as "real" looking as possible, but not over the top because we are not over-the-top type of people. I like cz in 14K and platinum over sterling. They wear well; they look great; they never cause me to lose sleep if we are on vacation. The diamonds live in a vault, in a bank. One day they will belong to my children. It will be their decisions as to what to do with them. I'm happy visiting them when I need the safety deposit box for my passport.

What is the point of having diamonds that only see the inside of a safety deposit box and wearing cz? I sure don't get that at all. I'd rather risk losing a beautiful "real" stone and enjoy it, than wear an imitation while the diamond just sits there. CZ's are real. They are real fake diamonds. But real CZ. I am no advocate for owning or wearing diamonds, but if you have them, no one benefits by not using them. Your kids might not give a whit about them; they are yours, why not benefit from owning them?

IMO: Just wear a gold ring....diamonds are a complete RIP OFF! I didn't read the entire thread.

Cubic zirconia is a very good stone in regard to light return and hardness. In most cases, its a lab grown stone and likely will have fewer flaws than a natural stone, in fact, it may be flawless. There's no need to to feel that it's a downgrade as some might try to make you believe. True, it is not a diamond, but in appearance and durability, it is excellent. The average person can not tell the difference unless they have two different stones to compare side by side, and even then, it requires expertise to spot the defining features of the two stones. Its appearance is a function of the quality of the cut design and execution of the cut.

I would wear it with pride and if anyone asks, tell them that it is a cubic zirconia. If they do not ask, you are not obligated to educate them.

First, Lucky0003 has deleted all of her responses. She couldn't delete her opening post because too much time has gone by. It always bothers me when someone deletes their comments, especially when people have responded to specific things that were said in those responses.

Be that as it may...

Lucky had posted that the "fake stone" that bothers her so much is a 1/2 carat stone. She said she doesn't like having to pretend to others that it is real.

As ClearWaters said, the ring is not fake. It is an actual ring. The stone is not fake. It is an actual stone. Is it a real diamond? No. Is it a real CZ? Yes.

I cannot imagine anyone asking if a 1/2 carat stone is real. Don't get me wrong - a 1/2 carat diamond is a really nice size. But it's not large enough for observers to be thinking, "oh, that's got to be fake because it's too big to be real."

And if anyone did ask, "is that real," a good reply would be along the lines of, "Of course it's real - you can see it, can't you? Or do you often hallucinate?"

Everyone has heard about the "4 Cs" of diamonds -- Color, Clarity, Cut, and Carat weight. Let's start with Color. A totally colorless diamond is designated as D color, then there's E, F, G, H, and so on. A diamond rated D through G in color are considered to be the most desirable with, of course, E and D being better and best. Clarity grades the diamond on flaws, both internal and external. The absolute best is rated F for Flawless; then there's IF for Internally Flawless, then VVS1, VVS2, VS1, VS2, SI1, and SI2. (And they're rated after being viewed through a 10x magnification. A stone that is graded SI1 or SI2 will have flaws that are visible to the naked eye.) A lot of folks think Cut refers to whether the diamond is round, oval, heart-shaped, etc., but that is the shape. The Cut encompasses many aspects, including Table Percentage, Depth, Girdle, and Cutlet, to name a few. Carat weight refers to how much the diamond weighs, not necessarily how "big" it is. (Carat weight is used for other gemstones, too, not just diamonds.) A Carat weighs 200 milligrams (a/k/a 0.2 grams). A smaller-looking stone can weigh more (and therefore be a higher Carat weight) than a larger-looking stone, depending on the quality of the Cut.

(By now Elmer, expert on all things on Earth, is writing a response saying how wrong I am on all of this. But I'm not.)

The final consideration is buying a conflict-free diamond, but that's not something a diamond is graded on.

You can buy a .52 carat, flawless, D color, perfectly cut and polished conflict-free diamond for just over $5,000.

You can buy a .55 carat, VVS1, F color, perfectly cut and polished conflict-free diamond for $2,500.

People change over time. That is what is evident. An engagement ring is a "must" for most, at THAT time of life. One ring chosen for the most part when people are young and poorest, it appears does not satisfy for a lifetime. It may be just the fact it is jewelry, it may be it just doesn't satisfy the fantasy any longer. Frank conversations with your spouse may not fix the issue. As noted we all have different ideas of what is right/necessary/desired, just because he is your spouse does not mean you will see eye to eye on this. Many women in my family of origin have upgraded or just changed from gold tone to platinum due to a color choice change. In MY brain this destroyed the ring given at the marriage. THAT ring in my world is what it is and is not something to mess with. I am alone in this in my immediate family so why would we not think here the opinions would be varied? I always wonder why not just get a ring you like--for wearing?? Why call it your wedding ring? People with rings don't wear them so why isn't the opposite just as valid, have a variety and be happy? How often does anyone comment on your wedding set? I would suppose a non traditional stone might get a comment--but probably not. The issue here is the "bride" is not FREE to choose. There is a man's expectations, willingness to part with his money on jewelry, in the mix. Truth is all the support in the world from here would not change his stance.

Are we talking about a half carat CZ ring? That stone is not even large enough to look fake. If anyone asked if the ring was fake ..she could reply with, No I really am married, :-)

Lucky, I am confused. Do you want a new ring with a real diamond? You state "After 12 years do I still pretend it's real and keep wearing it?" Why do you have to pretend? It sounds like you prefer your original ring.

Bottom line, I think you should do whatever makes you happy.

It was a HALF-CARAT? Not that there's anything wrong with a half-carat, as stated above, but all this angst over a (relatively) small stone?

I have my mother's wedding set - I had them sized down to fit my left ring finger and wear them every day. The solitaire is a .75ct emerald cut diamond, set in white gold. It's a beautiful stone, and virtually flawless (yes, I have the appraisal, because we have a rider on our homeowner's insurance). I also wear a band of five round diamonds that was made for me using stones from a ring my grandmother left me, and from a ring my dad had made for me years ago. The smaller stones that were in those rings are now in a pendant.

The only thing I don't wear ALL THE TIME is the pendant. I'm not going to lock away my jewelry because I'm afraid I'll lose it or they'll be stolen. I want to enjoy them. I did lose my late grandmother's watch a few years ago because it slipped off my wrist while I was out shopping. I hope whoever found it has continued to enjoy it.

As for "saving stuff" - don't. My mother saved a bunch of things for a nicer/better/whatever occasion, and she died suddenly & unexpectedly, not having enjoyed the things that she bought because she liked them.

Edited: When I say "all the time" I mean all the time. I wear them swimming, traveling, cleaning, working in the yard, etc.

Well, I'm new to this thread, and I can tell that posts have been removed. How annoying and now difficult to follow. Lucky, whatever your other posts were, if you're hurt or angry, I hope that you've just been able to get some feedback, which is what you asked for. Perhaps you are able to decide what you want to do?

For me, if you still wish opinions, I'd not love a CZ ring in place of a diamond if the intention is to pass it off as a diamond. If my husband gave it to me with love and as a gesture of that love and our commitment, I'd wear it proudly, CZ or diamond. But if he gave it to me because he was embarrassed publically about the smaller, original ring and so wanted to "save face", I'd feel very sad for him.

I am surprised that someone hasn't brought up the dark side of diamonds. I didn't know about it till after DH bought the diamonds he gave me many years ago. Anyone see the movie "Blood Diamond"?

The dark side of diamonds

Lucky, when you post in a place like this, you invite comment, and people comment in order to help. Most have been very empathetic and taken their time to provide suggestions for you, and different ways to approach the situation.

I think counseling is an excellent idea, and I did not see where you said you were in fact going to counseling, and we would not see it anyway because you deleted your responses.

Lucky, you're a real piece of work.

Some days I do post a lot here at the KT, because those are days when I'm sitting here at my computer working on genealogy and I check in from time to time as a break to clear my head from what I'm doing on the family tree. Right now at this moment I have 15,403 hints to deal with on Ancestry, and I'm taking a little break from it. :-)

No, Lucky, you never said that you and your husband are in counseling. In fact, after a few folks had commented that perhaps you should try counseling, you replied that, no, your husband is wonderful, your life is wonderful, it's just that this fake diamond bugs you and it bothers you that your husband won't buy you a large real diamond. Obviously, you were less than truthful.

As for the number of comments posted by people. You claim you "have posted four times on this forum, not THOUSANDS as some of you have." Again, less than the truth. You've posted at least 55 times, per your profile. Yeah, I've posted over 5,000 times, BUT I'VE BEEN POSTING FOR A LITTLE OVER 14 YEARS. That works out to about one post a day (some days more than one, some days none at all).

-----

CaFlowerLuver -- I did mention conflict free diamonds, above, but I did not go into any detail at all about what they are. (And, yeah, I've seen the movie.)

It is impossible to know which answers and OP replies are objectionable and unfortunately unable to be resolved with the situation as it is now - deleted replies and everything.

Last year my mom decided to give me her amethyst birthstone ring because she wants to be around to see me enjoy this special piece of jewelry. Previously I'd expressed the desire to have this ring, during one of the regularly occurring occasions on which she asks me which of her belongings I would like to be left to me in her will. It's always weird when she asks me this, but my parents are 'planners', down to the smallest detail. As they get older I guess my mom feels the need to ask me more often.

Jewelry and wearing it is personal - some people don't like jewelry or wearing it, some love it but don't like wearing it for various reasons - there are dozens (at least) of different combinations of the own and wear preferences. What is even more personal? Relationships. It is difficult to keep things that way when one posts in a place with the implied or express request for responses.

ETA: Personal as I have used the term here implies 'private' to an extent.

A human who is not feeling well started a thread she regrets. Why can't people let it go?

Lucky just wrote, for the second time, "... I have not posted on any others..."

That is a lie and you know it. If you want to kill a thread, so be it. But you do not need to tell provable lies to do it.

Lucky, I hope you feel better soon, and that you have a resolution about the ring that works for you. Best of luck.

Checking in again for laughs and just got a big chuckle. Lucky0003, I don't give a rat's patootie if you are specific or not. I just don't like untruths. As for looking you up -- you apparently looked up several of us in order to comment about the "thousands" of posts folks have made. So it's ok for YOU to "look up" others but it's not ok for others to look you up? Ah..., I see...

None of my recent activity is gone. I don't delete my posts. I stand by everything I've said.

Lucky, get some rest and feel better soon. Take it easy and don't let these threads get under your skin.

Lindsey happens to be one of the more thoughtful, well informed posters on this forum.

So the saying goes, Say it; forget it. Write it; regret it.

You want this post gone? Contact the mods through direct email. Nobody is sitting around removing threads on the off chance that someone doesn't feel well and should not have invited people into her misery. If you're not prepared for answers that you may not want, then stop opening this post. It's up to you to move on.

This has become a discussion that's taken on a life of it's own. If you ignore it, people will happily continue to discuss their feelings, pro and con, Czs and diamonds, which happens to be a viable discussion and doesn't require any reference to you or the animosity you feel for your husband.

I don't know how this turned mean, and that's sad. When our KT family members want opinions, we should give them without judging the person. Please be nice.

Looks like Lucky deleted her whole account; nothing there when you click on her name. I can't imagine what went on here that I missed, but it sounds as though it went bad pretty quickly.

Nothing, you didn't miss anything. Much ado about nothing really. She got her feelings hurt because apparently it is a touchy subject. I didn't see anyone that said anything bad...just offering their 2 cents is all.

I lost my rings when I took them off because my fingers were swollen while pregnant with my 3rd child....in 1975. Still married, 47 yrs this year, never cared about getting another wedding ring although I have other diamond rings...

She'll be back. Different screen name. Probably still reading this. lol

@pekemom

My parents will be married 49 years this September, you're both getting close to that big 50th! May your marriage continue to be as happy and as blessed as theirs has been - I can tell you that as a daughter they've set the most amazing example for two people in love and what a marriage takes!

Thanks Jennifer, we feel lucky to still be together...

She'll be back.

If she was ill and her criticisms were due to her not feeling well, I forgive her as long as the tenor of her future posts show her future good intentions.

If her criticisms were due to the sensitive nature of the subject, she must understand that she invited comment by posting the thread. All were trying to help, and many excellent comments and insights were posted.

Ah, the drama! This thread took quite a few twists and turns, mostly due to what the OP shared.

But, that's what happens when you get so many people together.

Why is it that we tend to concentrate on the one rude, awkward or weird reply?

I think one might have been overlooked. There were quite a few which were then deleted.

It really struck me, it was a fairly normal question, that turned into psychoanalysis. I'd wear whatever, and not care what anyone thought. Been known to wear a band and a solitaire to avoid being asked out. Real and fake. Make of that what you will

This OP has a sort of similar story to one posted on GW a couple/few years ago. A controlling spouse who, I think, died. And she didn't/couldn't live her "new" life. Then an old friend asked her out. I don't remember what happened. I probably quit reading.

Lindsey, I'm here for the same reason as you. My hints are 63,959 today. I don't even try to keep up with them. But a lot of them will be for indirect family so not as important as for my direct family. Still, they all count and for DNA matches it helps to have everyone.

In the emergency department when someone mentions a "controlling" spouse a red flag goes up to suspecr possible domestic violence, which can be physical, psychological or financial. Hope this is not the case for OP who deleted her many comments.

I say go ahead and buy them and enjoy.

Judging by the degradation of the context, you should start your own thread. It's already too bogged down.

Filling in for Sushi and following Kate Soft.