Hey guys... just reading that poem makes me cry again. I still cry every day. It's really hard when you're by yourself at night. I miss Danny. I made a shrine to him in my room. It's been a few months now and though the pain isn't... as consuming, it's still with me all the time. The time we had together, his youthful eyes and laughter, they haunt me, you know. It's still not right that we are here "enjoying" life and it is over for him, so young, so full of potential. I keep wondering why it has to be this way. And why he couldn't have been pulled out of the water, why those boys who were with him don't care about us, because they never call. I keep wishing I was old enough to start a family, that my ex boyfriend was a good man so I could give into his pressure to go home. But my path is set.... it's so strange but in the aftermath I see clear evidence that we (mom and I) are doing as God intends, that he has plans for us and taking my brothers away are part of the plan. For my mother at least, no clearer evidence could have been presented that God is here and He does care. My mom was devastated to be here, after her head cleared. She quit her well paying corporate job to slave away for my vengeful, tyrannical father. Things were not looking good - on top of the grief she had to suffer his abuse to pay the bills. She was depressed and felt she made a huge mistake in the wake of the grief. I felt bad b/c I insisted that God wanted us here, to help my Dad (before he betrayed us) to be where Dan was, to be in this small town away from the city, away from my ex bf. I prayed and I really thought we were doing the right thing. Even at the worst I encouraged her that somehow, God would come through - I could feel it. And He did. Out of a pool of 462 applicants in a town of 50,000, *my mother* was chosen to be the business manager/instructor for the only scuba diving school in the entire area. Her new job is about as awesome as they come. She not only gets paid to learn a new career, scuba instruction, but will be taking 10 paid vacations a year to take clients to places like Australia, the South Pacific, Hawaii and Florida. That we moved here after Dan drowned, and now she has a new career in *underwater life support* is not lost on me. Praise God - if that isn't direct evidence of his Love than I don't know what is. My beautiful mother has suffered so - this bit of security, adventure and hope for quality of life was exactly what she needed. The owner is so nice he won't ever make her dive in the huge brown river that took my brother, though it is the local attraction for his business. We also got to meet the diver who pulled my brother out of the water (bless him, if his body hadn't been recovered or recovered quickly it would have been even more tormenting) and my mom will get to be a volunteer search and rescue diver herself. I don't know what I'm doing. I was supposed to go back to school to finish 8 credits but I blew it off - until January. For some reason I lost my motivation to go to law school. I want to do something else. I don't know what. I will keep praying and maybe God will show me the path. I'd endure just about anything if I could have him back. Death is so unforgiving. A few minutes of being underwater, unconscious, and you can't come back. I've been re-reading "The Lovely Bones" and I really like the way that novel describes Heaven. The little murdered girl wonders why her dearly beloved grandparents aren't in her heaven. It's because she can't let go of watching people on Earth - her family, the investigation, her school. I like to think that Dan is here sometimes, I can almost feel him. But when he is not, he must be enjoying hot rods, powdered mountains and babes in bikinis. There must be babes in his heaven. I am waiting to find the perfect landscape tattoo artist, and then I will get a memorial tattoo in Dan's honor. It will be a silhouette of a snowboarder popping off an impossible cliff, with a burning, brilliant variegated sunset in the background. Dan Krueger, 1986 - 2004, it will say. He was such a good brother. I'm so grateful God has shown himself to me in the blessings and messages, so I know Dan continues on and I will see him again. I just wish he could "enjoy" life. Maybe heaven has all the good parts of life and none of the bad. But you can still feel things. I mourn the loss of his feeling - he loved to feel. We all do. That Dan's opportunity was taken away makes me feel like I should make the most out of life - but I don't know what to do. I'm just saving all the money I'm earning, and being here for mom. Thanks for caring, Lu, and I hope you all are holding up okay. Oh man, now I'm looking at the pictures to post the link. Pictures hurt so bad. These basic ones I've seen, I can hardly bear to look at them, and trying to look at the hundreds of family photos we have in the closet is like trying to breathe underwater. I just can't do it yet. CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY Man, it hurts.

Oh, Conway, you poor little boy. The things you do for love, huh? You're just gonna have to suck it up and take it like a man since she's bigger than you. LOL!!! You are too cute. ~Betsy

Adding to my post. For those that don't remember. My SD was the one who was babysitting for my friend and we found out that they were just kinda hanging out together, and she was talking with her and telling her the same stories that she had used before with people....I am mean, I do this, and I do that, etc....which you would think with being friends with someone for 22 years, that she would know me better than anyone....but she fell for SD's stories hook line and sinker. Well, the friend and I had a huge blow up, and I am no longer friends with her. SD was supposed to go into professional counseling then, because she had tried this with my parents as well, and my mom almost fell for it too, but she knows me... but the point is that my SD is unbelievably manipulative and just has a way of getting people to feel sorry for her. Always the victim personality. I had thought after that huge blow up that she would really try and change, but she just cycles. She can be ok for awhile then she just can't do it anymore and we have a huge blow up again. But I can't take it anymore. I have given this girl chance after chance after chance and I am just used up. She will always punish me for the anger that she has towards her own mom. But I can't take that kind of abuse anymore. We have three other kids in the house that need us and love us. Her dad doesn't want to send her back to her mom's because he is worried she will end up dropping out of school and getting pregnant before she finishes school, or whichever comes first. Her brother lived with us up until this summer, when he turned 18 and he moved back to his moms because he didn't want to live with our rules (basically he wanted to be able to stay out all night long and Dad said no). He dropped out of his senior year in October, just a few months ago. He is jobless and just being a bum at his moms. There is no work there because it is a tiny town about 60 miles from us. He had a job here with his dad that paid him 12 dollars an hour and he quit that the night he left to go back to his moms. But...that is my back story a little. Just a little...I have been in these kids lives for going on 13 years. My SD has lived with us for the past 6 years. I am one worn out step mom. I don't have anything left....and barely anything left for my own children. I hate the tension between my sd and I, you can cut it with a knife. It makes me so uncomfortable in my own home. That makes me sad.

Thank you all, especially circuspeanut with the photoshop pic - absolutely right, that's the way it's supposed to look! Now I feel really silly. Until you posted that picture, I was doing an about-face with Coco Chanel's advice ;-) The CG already brought them home yesterday to cut them down and we're going to velcro them, and then I'll post another picture. Stay tuned next week...I could just see it now - the legs will be popping on and off as I make up my mind!