D_gw said, "I know much depends on the wording and the tone of the question."

I think your comment says it all. Also, sometimes the question is about very taste-specific decor but the poster needs validation that it's okay to feature their train set or cookie jar collection in their decor, for example. In those cases, the only answer that seems reasonable to me is, "Do what you love."

Sometimes posters just want to participate in the forum and welcome any response without any intention of changing a thing in their house. That's okay, too, but I can understand why responses are more general if responders perceive that the originating poster doesn't really want to make changes.

When you like and what popular opinion or "expert" opinion do not match sometimes you want an opinion that will bridge the gap, give you more confidence or fuel as to why they are all wrong. Sometimes people try something new and they aren't really sure if they like it and want to see what other's think. It is a lot easier to post a picture here and ask then haul a gaggle of people through your home.

This forum is where I've learned many basic principles of good design, but there's a point where "do what you love" takes precedent.

Usually posters make it clear what type of feedback they're seeking, but not always. I think there will always be interiors that aren't universally appealing.

Sometimes I see requests for advice on rooms that look perfect to me, and the options being considered also look great. When things already seem to be set up to be successful then do what you love totally works.

Sometimes I see posts where the op really wants to do what they want, regardless. Do what you love totally works there too.

I think "do what you love" is silly in a design forum. I also think we all know that, in the end, we have myriad reasons for our choices and we certainly are not giving up something we love because of anonymous internet posters.

I don't ask for help unless I feel something isn't right and I definitely welcome suggestions. My bedroom has really been improved by the suggestions made here, and often what's suggested just hadn't occurred to me. Likewise I assume if someone is asking for advice here they really mean it. I must admit that sometimes I don't respond to posts because the interior is so far removed from my taste that I can't give any helpful criticism, and I'm always glad to see that others are able to make suggestions.

I totally agree with you, d-gw.

I think the response depends on how the question is posed. Sometimes a relatively new poster will say that they don't feel confident and will share that a friend or family member said something critical about their decor. In that case, I believe "do what you love" can be warranted. Sometimes those without a lot of experience decorating do need affirmation and positive reinforcement. They may think there are "rules" that they should abide by, as in the case where some think their artwork has to match the sofa.

"Do what you love" is sometimes the most valuable piece of advice to offer. It empowers people who might otherwise doubt their choices.

As the late, great Julia Childs said, "You must have the courage of your convictions". Sometimes, that helps with our oft-frought and trepidatious design decisions.

mimipadv said what i wanted to say

it also takes us from the dangerous "perfect" territory. I personally didn't do many things in my life I was numerously told and encouraged to do, because of this feeling it has to be either perfect-or you shouldn't even try.

so, I wouldn't be perfect. but I had all the reasons to become good enough. and I passed on it. and I know many people like myself.

i strongly believe in empowerment..and sometimes "do what you love" is an integral part of it.

"do what you love" can be irritating as hell too, when it's told just so, as some general slogan everybody should abide to. "do what you love!" "be yourself!" there are hundreds of these. while sometimes you shouldn't do what you love but should do what needs to be done..many times actually))

so as all the other things it can be too much or too fake.

"every medicine is a poison, and every poison is a medicine; the difference is in the dosage"

so it can be the very right thing to say, the most important one. and you usually feel it when it's the right thing to say.

and it can be just a bunch of empty words too.

I -probably, since it's not completely conscious process-look for the clues in the post as to whether I can say "do what you love"-and feel that it was actually quite important to say it.

I think it is a rare person who would post a query in a design forum about how something looks who didn't care what people thought. They would not be in a design forum otherwise. Believe me, I know a lot of people who have no interest in whether other people like their houses or not. They like it and what other people think doesn't matter--they are not here.

And doing what you love is not easy for (1) the person who doesn't know what that is, and that's why they are asking for help, or (2) the person who loves too many things, gets infatuated, and also quickly falls out of love with things.

I love design of all sorts but I realize to do everything I loved I would need a 50 room house. Trying to cram into a small house everything I loved would be a mess.

So that's why I think while it may be a kind or supportive thing to say when intended that way--it still may not be a very constructive or conclusive thing to say. I do think that many people say this with the best intentions

But finally, I would say more often than not the tone of the person saying "Do what you love, who cares what people think?" is often a snark--you can tell by the way it's typed, using bold, italics, all capitals, exclamation points...

it's the person "coming to the defense" of the person who asked the original question (and possibly getting negative feedback or unsolicited advice--which is a danger--) and essentially telling (1) the people who are giving the advice to shut up, and (2) the OP that the people who are giving the advice "think too highly of themselves" "are not the design police" "or are self-appointed taste mavens" which are the other types of statements that the "do what you lovers" (in all caps italics or !!!) make either implicitly or explicitly --about the people giving advice.

Or at least it used to be like that, I dunno I haven't posted in this forum for months.

I have often said "do what you love" b/c it drives me crazy, yes, crazy when people want to decorate w/ resale in mind. Do you know with metaphysical certainty that purchaser will like your selection? Of course not! So being your home, do what you love. Taste specific might be harder to redo but in these days of HGTV, people look forward to reformatting the nest and the more dramatic the conversion, the better.

also if one posts question that demands a yes or no answer, a NO is almost always unwelcome, despite best intention. If post is how-to oriented, (i.e. how to update hideous granny table) much easier to post a kind and constructive suggestion.

To the extent that someone was asking a question about resale, I would hands down suggest that the OP decorate in the way that made them happy rather than be concerned about some anonymous future buyer --within reason. I would not be supportive of someone who wanted to have a five person shower and no other bathroom, or a $75,000 kitchen with a two -burner cooktop. But other than that. wallpaper away, mirror the ceiling. You may deal with implications at sale time, but it could be worth the trade off.

It's probably along the lines of talying to myself to figure out a problem, but sometimes after I post I realize the solution. Although I'm usually surprised by other options I didn't consider.

Sometimes I think it's helpful to read it from another point of view if I'm stuck.

"Do what you love!" are empty words unless they're preceded by words that are positive to the decor.

If a certain style isn't my cup of tea, then I won't comment and especially add do what you love!

Pal, you wrote, "... (and possibly getting negative feedback or
unsolicited advice--which is a danger--) . There is a current topic where many are telling the op to replace or change certain items that are expensive, and it's obvious a lot of thought went into their purchase. It happens quite a lot and I've never understood that type of thinking.

There is one thing I seem to always need help on and that's accessorizing. Even with all the books I have on the topic, I cannot do it For some reason when I arrange accessories (I'm great at furniture arrangement) I'm not happy. That's when an extra pair of eye's come in handy. But don't come in and say your decorating isn't my cup of tea and then offer advice or say do what you love. UNLESS you have a trained eye on a particular type of decor.

It's hard to know when to keep quiet or when to speak up. Sometimes, the OP isn't sure if they want advice/a critique or confirmation.

It's hard to know when to keep quiet or when to speak up. Sometimes, the OP isn't sure if they want advice/a critique or confirmation.

And this is why some threads get few responses and some get a lot of responses that make the thread go south. If someone really doesn't want an opinion, they probably shouldn't ask for it. That probably sounds like a snarky unhelpful statement in and of itself, but it's not meant to be.

If somebody really wants opinions in this forum, they are going to get opinions, and unless (even If, perhaps), they have done a really great job that coincides with the current taste parameters of the group, they are going to get negative opinions and disagreement. I guess if what you want is self-validation, post it to your Facebook account and have your settings so only your friends see it and can respond. For something uncontroversial in the big picture like this, your friends on Facebook are probably going to be positive. If not, you can always unfriend them.

I don't know how many of you ever read the Building a Home or Kitchen forums, but there is some percentage of posters who post a House Plan or a Kitchen Plan, and all they really want is positive feedback. And some of these plans, especially the self-designed house floor plans, are just not good--as in not even buildable. And some of the internet plans are just very inappropriate for their budgets or their needs. And they don't want to hear it and they take great offense at any criticism. This is when it is still a piece of paper, it's not even real yet. And I know, there are curmudgeonly people who have all sorts of negative opinions about things that are already being built all the way up to "tear it down and start over", which is not particularly constructive. The problem is, that it's not always particularly wrong, either. It's just that the person is asking for advice much too late.

I want to give bossyvossy a standing ovation.

I find there's way too much emphasis on resale on HGTV shows these days. People have started replacing "decor" with "eliminate all personality from your home". I so desperately want to scream that people need to stop letting celebrity real estate agents tell them what style is.

On another forum I read, someone posted wanting permission to buy a blue couch. She posted a photo of her house with grey walls, grey rug, grey side chairs, white trim and curtains. Very, very minimal blue here and there. Several people told her to go with a grey couch to be safe, and use coloured throw pillows. NOOOOO!!!!! I'm one of the few people who actually LOVES grey, but even I need it partnered with another colour, and throw pillows aren't going to cut it. I had to bite my tongue and not tell these people their own grey on grey on grey homes that match every other grey house in their neighbourhood sound so boring. And I'm sure not every one of them actually likes grey that much.

Even here, where there's more style than the average HGTV show (at least on the Canadian version), sometimes people can be a little too attached to their own preferences. Like the people who told the woman looking for advice on her display shelves that she needed more books. Why? If she's not a book lover, why would she display books?

Oh, and I was a regular poster on the Building a Home. I can't remember if it was there or the bathroom forum I asked a question about layout, and out of about 12 responses, 1 or 2 was helpful. The rest were about how I needed to swap my closet and bathroom so you have to walk through the bathroom to get to the closet rather than the reverse, and needed to get rid of my tub so I could have a dual sink. No, this is my house, and I prefer to have the closet before the bathroom, and I hate dual sinks. It had nothing to do with the question I asked.

So sometimes, "do what you love" is intended for the other posters as much as it is for the OP.

ETA: There was one design I remember where the back door entered into the main floor powder room, so that people could come in from the yard and use the toilet without having to transverse other spaces. Nevermind how people get into the house if someone else is peeing? And they had no closets in the bedrooms. Instead they had storage in the laundry room for the clothing for everyone in the house. Because all the clothes stay in the laundry room, and the family all dresses together. Other than that, most of the critiques are over trivial preferences.

I was also told I needed to move my house further from my property line AND that it was too narrow, because my lot is only 35' wide. It's inner city and not an acreage.

(that reminded me how I hate Facebook, what an awful format for everything but the photos. sorry for the off topic))

i do read Kitchens, and-more rarely-Building a Home..but I'm extremely slow when it comes to reading a plan. that's why I miss a great deal of pretty amazing discussions..i still read them since i'm in awe that quite a big number of people possesses the skill to look at the plan, make a sense of it in what seems milliseconds to me, and to suggest a different one..but i can't easily follow the details.

anyway, i wanted to say something else actually..)) one of my earlier threads here was about a vanity countertop. I was very mad about getting an unsolicited advice about the bathroom color scheme from a granite guy that gave me this advice but didn't bring any normal samples of stone (which he was supposed to, as per our agreement with the GC)

One of the commenters asked me very directly why did I open the thread and what am I seeking to hear/get from the group-validation? critique? just a listening ear? advice? I thought for a minute and answered honestly that I've no definite idea, and that a little bit of everything would help. And -it did help. That thread allowed me to make a transition from being helplessly mad to being constructive. Also ultimately saved me from a quick choice between bad and bad that I was supposed to make "by tomorrow". I asked for a few more days, and found the stone I loved. Why didn't I think of it all by myself? Why didn't I ask right away?The discussion helped me to understand that what really was making me mad was not an unsolicited advice on colors, but the lack of expected advice on stones:)

Sometimes direct questions like the one I got back then, really help. People share their opinions more freely. And the OP is taking them more willingly. Some sort of a simple yet important contract is made. Between the one who asks and the ones who answer.

Ideally it should be implied. But if something in the wording of the post makes one unsure-he/she/me can ask. Like this very smart poster I was talking about.

amberm:

I understand that. I did not build a house but I bought one and I said over and over in the kitchen or remodeling forum: The lot is 20 feet wide. The house is 20 feet wide. These are row houses. This is considered a wide house. There is absolutely no way this house can be expanded in any direction. I could not move the front door even though it meant the kitchen was 7.5 feet wide, because the house is completely symmetrical and concrete. There were people who just thought I was being difficult. Finally most of them realized that the house really was a row house and took up the entire lot. And then some of them just thought I was stupid for buying a house with so many limitations. So yes, part of it is that people do not read or listen to all the information and make judgments about decisions already made that will not change. It is a two way street for sure.

(post about arranging the shelves-I understood the OP did love books..she thought though the ones she likes are not worth displaying. so there was an attempt to tell her "why not?" as far as I understood)

Ms b, I actually LOL'd while reading your comment....love it!

and unless (even If, perhaps), they have done a really great job
that coincides with the current taste parameters of the group, they are
going to get negative opinions and disagreement.

And that's THE reason I rarely post pictures or at least don't post them with questions concerning my taste or decorating queries.

Yeah, I just posted something for comments, and I'm kind of afraid I'm going to get ripped apart because I don't see a whole lot of my style portrayed in this section, at least not favourably. Oh well. I can ignore the particularly harsh stuff.

When someone asks for opinions, I'm assuming they are hoping to get some educated advice from people that are posting here in the decorating forums. They probably just assume that people posting here know what they are talking about. Reality though is that anyone can post here. I'm far from a professional but I've always had an "eye" for what looks good.

There are people that want their homes to look like they were professionally decorated with no intention to giving it a personal touch. There are people that want to decorate with their own personal taste but would still like the input of others. They want their own things but they don't really know exactly how to place them for the best look. IMHO, making a home look like a magazine is not realistic. In a magazine, functionality is not considered. In real life, the rooms of our houses need to be "livable". Right? So for that reason, they probably will not look like the magazine we are wanting to copy.

Most of us cannot afford to buy new stuff every five years to keep up with the current trends. I just saw a very cute kitchen posted and people say "get rid of the scalloped trim" that makes it look dated. But if tomorrow, a famous decorator started adding scalloped trim to kitchens, it would be all the rage again. I cannot see getting rid of things just because it's not the latest fad in decor. I'm the type that uses what I have and has an eye for placement of things to make it look nice. I'm not going to get rid of my stuff that I love just because it's not the latest fad in decor. I still have my old Windbergs and Larry Dyke art work that I bought many years ago. A family member came to our house the other day and said "I just love all your pictures". The person that said this is a member of the artist guild. I felt vindicated...HAHA!

One has to be pretty strong to accept negative criticism. It's human nature. BUT, in cases here where people are genuinely asking for advice they truly do want criticism. Problem is, as others pointed out, sometimes posters give advice and then OP gets defensive!

palimpest stated:

"And doing what you love is not easy for (1) the person who doesn't know what that is, and that's why they are asking for help, or (2) the person who loves too many things, gets infatuated, and also quickly falls out of love with things."

I fall into both of these categories. I've been "doing what I love" for 30 years. That's why I now come here to soak up suggestions.

I feel that most people who come to these boards with questions are actually looking for advice, Telling people to do what they love, in my opinion, is actually being dismissive.

It depends on the request. The interesting thing about "do what you love is" that if you do, the colors end up matching.... the harder issues for most people are size and shape issues (like how big the rug, how much walkway space, how can I tell if that sofa will really fit, etc) and it is really helpful to ask questions and get answers from the people here, many of whom have excellent advice.

I think you're right.

But a lot of the advice given tends to have very traditional elements. I know when I needed help I wasn't looking for traditional design ideas. This was for a weekend home and I wanted a particular feel.

I even made it a point to say I won't do something specific. I was still told "that's exactly what I should do." That's not constructive to me. A "do what you love" or, just no response would have been better.

There were other posters though who have helped me understand exactly what I was trying to go for. They were able to put their own preference aside, and give me wonderful advice that I have taken.

For the most part though, I've learned a lot here about general decorating rules. Things like the correct height for pictures, and how to incorporate colors and textures. I've taken most of the advice here until I found what worked for me. Very grateful for that.

Hmmmm. Here is a sample of people asking for input and then getting upset if posters do so but not necessarily validate.

http://ths.gardenweb.com/discussions/4399647/brick-shower?n=4

I was just reading that bossyvossy. I need to work on my bathroom redo. it is leaking and we are running out of time. I was thinking today should i post in bathrooms or here, and i was cracking up reading that post!

MsB hahaha that was great.

Wow. Now I'm obsessed with brick showers. Not that I want one, but I find the concept fascinating and more than a little strange!

I find myself posting design questions sometimes when I honestly don't know what I love. It often takes responses to start to visualize options; input can be very valuable. That said, I don't always take advice. Sometimes once I know the options and hear opinions, I get a much better sense of what I do want. For example, although posters told me I could "do better" with a living room rug I was interested in, I ended loving the rug and went for it--and couldn't be happier. Getting opinions is an education in taste, but it does then come down to personal taste.

I think "do what you love" is useless advice when someone is staring at a blank area (wall, room, whatever).

I think "go with your heart" can be useful advice when there are multiple ideas out there, all of which look good--to different people. In that case, go with what you love.

So, if someone asks for rug advice, and half a dozen people post rugs and there's conversation about why each one works and doesn't, the final choice is "which of these makes your heart sing"--but that's after helping the OP out by bringing up different ideas that s/he might not have thought of or was feeling stuck about.

(I find the idea of brick showers strange, too.)

I find "do what you love" to have limits, unless you truly don't care about the end result, and then as Pal noted, you normally would not be posting asking for help. A lot of people (myself especially) love a lot of things but it doesn't mean they should all go in the same space. To the nth degree, that turns into hoarding. Stylistic choice is a "do what you love" situation, implementation is a different thing

Whew that brick shower thread just made me shudder. There are a variety of people chiming in, including pros, and one pro linked to a perfectly fine answer (and per that answer, some bum advice as well).

I read that thread and I'm on the side of Mr. Brick Shower. I can see why he was annoyed.

I don't read everything that closely but I've never seen it where someone posted a blank slate and the recommendation was do what you love. That would be dismissive. People asked questions about what they loved as a starting point, but I wouldn't consider that condescending.

Indoor Brick shower--weird and fascinating indeed. My house in humid Houston is painted brick, (a sealant of sorts) and we must power wash every few years to remove mildew. Can't imagine how mildewy and slippery an indoor brick shower would be. The sneeze fest that would ensue after each shower, ugh

Sorry, but if one is secure enough to call oneself "fixit". it seems one would be secure enough to accept comments that question the wisdom on whatever topic. You ignore if malicious or explain for further clarification. To be annoyed seems odd as you are here asking questions, which is perfectly OK; snarkyness seems uncalled for to me.

I don't think he is insecure, I think he was frustrated having asked a very specific question and not getting an answer to that question. I would have felt the same way.

If his research is correct and vanadium salts come and go, then he doesn't need to do anything.

As I see it, there is nothing wrong with adding additional information, but you need to first respond to the question at hand.

Posting that you've done something and are having physical problems and asking for help is not the same as wanting validation that it's okay to choose the red option over the grey option.

I think everyone in the shower thread started out cranky and it has just gone downhill from there.

I glanced at the thread.

While I don't understand the desire for a brick shower I am also not quite so sure what is so unsuitable about it--given that its probably much less easy to clean than say plastic. I lived on a block of brick buildings that were built in the 1830s and 1840s that were completely neglected for decades, and they got rained on all the time. But of course I read in there that concrete block and cement were completely inappropriate materials for a shower. Tell that to Louis Kahn's Trenton Bath House, the shower associated with every municipal pool or park where I grew up, and the many people who had a basement shower that was little more than a curtain and a drain in the floor for the farmers or factory workers in the family to use when they got home from work.

So, I think some people just like to kick others when they are down. (Much in the vein of "you need to tear that all out and start over" and you know they are giggling when they type that.) I almost feel like there should be an orientation thread about what sorts of questions you don't want to ask unless you want people to pick on you.

Isn't there a famous hotel with natural stone showers and a waterfall effect? I thought that was nice. The large shower window looking out into nature might worry me a little.who knows who might be outside. A bikini might be an answer. I loved the orchids and ferns being part of the large shower area. I can't find the picture of it.

Relevant thread for me. I totally get why people would say "do what you love," to encourage people to be individuals and to enjoy their own tastes/styles. For me, I recently posted my kitchen refresh photos, asking for advice/suggestions/opinions precisely to hear other people's thoughts through their eyes. I received great feedback and incorporated many suggestions. I also received many compliments, which was absolutely delightful. Some people made my day. :-) Now when people stop over, I won't be so concerned that they will be thinking "UGH" when they see my 1950s kitchen (well some people might) LOL. I always appreciate other people's advice/suggestions/opinions; sometimes people come up with things that would have never crossed my mind. And this is why I love GardenWeb.

Brick does absorb water. And yes, exterior brick gets rained on, but there's supposed to be a gap between the brick and the interior finishes so that the water doesn't seep through. But then, grout isn't waterproof, either, and probably 90% of showers out there are tiled with grout. So maybe brick is perfectly acceptable as long as there's a waterproof layer behind it, and the problem is with the specific mortar used. In which case, that thread is a perfect example of something that most people will tell you is crazy, but in actual fact is just fine.

Oh, and the public pools I've been in with concrete showers are entirely built out of concrete. There's no worry about water getting through and damaging the structure. Most homes are different.

Well, like the concrete showers the houses that I lived in were not veneer brick, they are all brick, no cavity wall, no vapor barrier. Plaster right on the inside of the exterior wall. But I don't see how brick is any less problematic than natural stone, especially something like travertine. (Which I don't get for a shower either, personally). As far as I read there was no real discussion of how the shower was constructed or what water proofing or sealing was done prior to it turning into a contentious thread and calling it unsuitable. It could have been done all wrong, it could have been waterproofed properly, I don't know.