I wonder if they sent something that hasn't arrived? Maybe they feel hurt you haven't mentioned it....;-) So I'd definitely ask.

Sorry for 'making an example' of you, Cookie8. Despite your saying this is how it is (has been) between your DH and his family, it could stand some improvement, couldn't it?

I'm a wife, mother, and grandmother. I was a daughter and a daughter-in-law. *Fair* or not, sometimes it is up to the woman to just do the generous thing.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. I'm going to talk with my son tomorrow and get to the bottom of this before it eats me alive. And its not about getting a gift, its about the thoughtfulness of the gesture.

Yes, exactly! They both need to understand that you were hurt by the slight. I am curious about how your DH is handling it?

Ironic, my son just called and invited me to lunch tomorrow. So I'll let you know what transpires.....DH is confused also, but I want to take charge of the situation.

Best of luck with your son. I hope you enjoy your lunch.

Yes, hope all goes well!

Oh Ima - I hope everything works out tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you!

Maire

Sabbath - thanks for the recommendation. Interesting that the author discusses a dysfunctional childhood - because DD's boyfriend certainly had one of those. I don't think he has a clue what a normal, adult relationship constitutes.

Ima, I'm very happy that your son has invited you to lunch. Is your DH invited, too? I sure hope so. Blessings to you all.

I don't see where this was answered, but did your daughter aknowelage your gift to her? And when you gave your son and his family their gifts did he seem pleased or embarassed?

I would ask them both right out why you didn't recieve a gift. Tell them this hurt you. You have every reason to be hurt and confused by this. If this is out of character than all the more reason to talk about it.

Hopefully it's just something was lost in the mail/ they prefered to give in private (if it's a group christmas). Otherwise, I'd play a little dumb, saying I hadn't recieved their gift- do they think it got lost in the mail, forgotten in the car? etc.

I can more than understand the hurt you're feeling. I'm anxious to hear the results from lunch. I hope all goes well.

You are doing the right thing. I would be hurt too. But saying that we don't exchange presents at all any more unless there are children under 21. But this didn't just happen . It used to be crazy with everyone buying the other person four or five gifts. Then we were down to two, and daughter suggested none and now i could not be happier. I buy for the one grandson who's 18, a few small gifts for the granddaughter and gifts for her babies. But it was mutually agreed on. I will be anxious to hear what your son says.

It is very unfortunate I know exactly how you feel. My son is 29.

This Christmas it was him, I and a couple of friends I grew up with have known them 40+ years. I went out of my way to buy everyone nice gifts, fill stockings with their favorite treats and even though I have been very ill the past couple of years I cooked Christmas Dinner. Christmas Day I hand out the gifts and stockings and no one handed me anything, not even a card. I sat and watched everyone ooo and awe over what they got and talk about how they were going to use the things and the gift cards I had provided in the stockings and not one person really acknowledged I even existed.

So the whole day I struggled with the Christmas is about the giving and not receiving to which it is but... it was the fact not one person even thought so much about me to give me a card or offer to take me to dinner or anything. I just felt kind of deflated the whole day.

The next day I met up with my best friend of 40+ years to give her and her kids their Christmas gifts. Again I had made sure to personalize the gifts to everyone's likes and from the kids wish list I was sent in advance. We met up at Cracker Barrel because she lives almost 3 hours away and that is a half way point. They sat there and hinted that they would like to eat and I refused to even offer to pay for dinner. So we just sat there had coffee and went on our way. As I was about to get in the car my "friend" runs over and hands me something wrapped in brown paper. I open it and it is a coffee mug from the gift store inside the restaurant. Gee, last minute thought or what? Though I will say at least she did think of me to some point.

I feel so petty that my feelings are so hurt over this. I am not greedy and I understand the meaning, I just felt like they expect me to shower them and they don't even think about me. I kept hearing afterwards I would have gotten you something but you buy everything you want or you have everything you want so I just didn't know what to get you. Gee how about a card or some acknowledgement I exist other than to cook and play Santa on Christmas.

Out of all of them my son disappointed me the most. He tells me you know mom I don't have a lot of money. I'm sure you understand. Even though he got close to $500 in gift cards he couldn't think to use one to offer me a dinner out with him to spend sometime? Nope he proceeds to tell me all of the goodies he is buying with his gift cards like games, part of the price of a new computer. It just made me sad.

Your lunch will be interesting. I hope 'no gifts' isn't the least of the troubles.

Oh Aprile! I feel so bad for you as well! I can't imagine someone giving me a gift and if I had nothing to give them in return I would be mortified. I would definitely offer to buy them a meal! Certainly your friends should know better! I hope next Christmas you scale way back and wait and see if things are different.

You definitely have the right to be upset, it's not petty at all. It's a hurtful situation.

Aprile -- It's not you. It's them. I suggest you just. plain. stop. Invite people to join you for lunch, dinner, or a cup of coffee or tea -- at home or 'out'. That's enough. (It's possible that they feel burdened by your generosity.)

That is very sad, Aprile, I agree with the above posters who say to "scale way back" or stop. That sounds contrary to your very thoughtful and giving spirit, but this has been very hurtful to you (and justifiably so). I like chisue's idea of just getting together and not giving gifts.

I'm with them. Two ungrateful groups of people who give you nothing in return?? I say stop, period.

Aprile: sorry that happened to you. And you are not being petty. That would hurt anyones feelings. I had to laugh about your comment that they hinted about wanting to eat at cracker barrel...I would have ignored their hint too LOL

I guess I am the only dissenter here. I agree that with the dictionary definition of a gift. A gift is something given from one to another without compensation.

While my feelings might be hurt a bit I would take into account what that persons heart is like in general.

Just my own thoughts and I feel like I'd better hide now!

Anne, I get what you are saying, and I don't believe that everything has to be equal, but it is just disheartening for someone to sit there and watch others exchange and open gifts, and then to be given absolutely nothing.

Funny (now that is 30 years ago) story. I both gifts for my sister, her husband and each of her sons. What did I get back, a vegetable strainer! This sister is very cheap, embarrassingly so, but I accept that about her.

But, still, a vegetable strainer from the four of them?

April, I agree that it's time to stop. If you enjoy cooking and having people over, then just continue that.

Eld- lol!

I have a friend that lives out of town, she often travels through the area I live in. I always host her and her family for days at a time. Sometimes she drops in unannounced with people. I really roll out the red carpet and make huge meals for her family. She has barely said thanks, and when she does it feels so forced. The only gift she has ever given me was a universal plastic lid top. I don't need gifts, but I do think if a person is eating a lot of food for days on end, they should show appreciation. Finally I told her lovingly that it just wasn't working out. She has lot's of friends in the area. I have spent $300 a year for the last few years just on food for her and her friends- no thanks.

So, my son and I had a very nice lunch and I just said "I wish you and your sister had informed me about the no gift exchange this year between adults." My son felt really bad and apologized, stating that the two had talked about it and he "forgot" to tell me. At any rate, time to start a new year, minus any hurt feelings.

Maybe he was too embarrassed at the time to mention it?

I'm glad you're moving forward. Holidays can be very trying times!

Thanks to all of you for your comments and suggestions. They really got me thru a hard time. This forum is the best!

Glad he had an explanation. Too bad it was after the fact, but no one's perfect. :) I admire your good attitude. I doubt he'll forget to tell you things again, because you didn't just let it go. Happy New Year. :)

Imacamper- you really handled the situation so well! I am so happy this got resolved.

I'm so glad you were strong enough. Good for you. And really glad it's a clean slate :)

I wrote a bunch of stuff than deleted it..I have a feeling your even more hurt now..and no amount of words will ease your heart.

I didnt get the same impression as mamapinky but glad it was settled.

Yes, thanks for coming back and letting us know the outcome. Your situation obviously struck a chord in many of us.

Sabbath, I am glad you stuck up for yourself. Some people are just moochers! I had a cousin who perfected the art of "stopping by because he was in the neighborhood " around dinner time!

It will be OK for my DS and family to *forget* about me...when I'm gone. Not beforehand.

I don't have any problem with not exchanging gifts. I have been working for years to make friends and family understand that I don't want gifts and am not going to be giving them. But imacamper's situation is different, and those two children - son and daughter - should be ashamed of themselves. The two of them decided - without consulting Mom and Dad - that they were not giving gifts to their parents when they knew they would be receiving gifts! What kind of horse manure is that???? I'm angry, even if imacamper isn't.

And Aprile, IMO, you need to spend 2017 figuring out who your friends really are. And who are merely acquaintances.

Well, if he and his sister unilaterally decided not to give their parents any gifts this year and "forgot" to mention it, I would take this as a permission to quit giving them gifts as well. It's not about revenge - it's just about mutuality. Even if they are both poor as church mice, a gift of some help around the house or yard, or fixing you a meal - anything would be fine. I frequently ask my daughter and her family for "labor" instead of "something". We agree on a time and what it is (she usually sends her sons), and that's fine with me.

But their behavior was thoughtless and selfish and there is no way I would continue to give anything to anyone who treated me that way. The generosity of spirit would just not be there as there was no mutuality.

Very early in this thread I kinda gave my opinion and I have to say that reading the feelings expressed here gave me a shock. I just can not wrap my head around the idea that a "Christmas" gift for anybody under 20 or so, is so important. And, I'm not sure how this 'happened' in my life. WE do not DO Christmas for gifts....and haven't for years and years, except for the little ones (and they know WE are Santa) For myself, when I was a teen "stuff" was scarce, perhaps the family made a sacrifice to buy me or my sister a needed/wanted item, as a Christmas present. Christmas for my Children was always a huge 'blow-out'...as we could afford and not by credit card. When they were teens, the same was true. They NEVER needed for anything, but they knew if they really wanted something....it could be had by some means (usually working) I am 84, and I can't think of a Christmas Gift....other than a box of candy...meant for the whole family.....and my giving the same or home made fudge...or maybe hand crafted item for the family....I guess a bottle of Dad's favorite sipping whiskey....again to share. I can't help but believe that many Americans have been "sold" on that "Hallmark" fantasy or even some of the fantasy shows that sell the idea that material "things" make the season a reason for a festive and attainable celebration, when the reality truly is that your family and friends and their loving thoughts or hugs are the real treasure to celebrate.

After our children became adults, we eventually stopped exchanging Christmas gifts. It got too difficult to find meaningful things and was becoming a burden because for some years, there were great differences between financial standings between the members. We found it more enjoyable to concentrate on the visit. This did not exclude an occasional gift if one member found something that was appropriate for another member. Gifting everyone is no longer expected.

What we did as parents was to emphasize birthdays instead. We give special attention to a child on his/her birthday and a gift is included within our means.

My extended family has decided to do children only so many times throughout the years and someone always purchases gifts for the adults and then it's uncomfortable because although everyone loves spending time with each other it doesn't take away from the fact that what we all agreed upon wasn't upheld and now some people feel guilty. Feelings of disappointment when an agreement hasn't been made and everyone is given a gift except one person is normal, and shouldn't be trivialized or considered materialistic. Everyone is happy to see family, being happy to see family and spend Christmas with them is something most people feel, just like sadness when a person feels left out.

Imacamper - I think you handled the situation well with your comment. No blaming, no pettiness, just an openness of the facts. Good for you.

Our kids are in their late 20's and are still setting up their homes with one buying their first home and so his gifts were centered around that (tool box and tools) and our other son wanted something specific which was in our price range. But I have to say that I will not be giving our kids gifts when they're in their forties. They're close to making more money than our pensions. They are still giving us gifts and I wish they would stop.

Nanny - I don't think this thread had anything to with not receiving gifts but about the lack of thoughtfulness.

I am sort of in Aprile's situation, except many long-distance gifts. I send gifts to my nephew and his mother every year and get a box of stale cookies from her in return (I think she even froze some of mine and sent them back. I tasted one and threw the rest away this year--so stale!) He is 27 and calls to thank me but never sends anything, even a card. My neighbor friend gives me cookies even though I tell her I don't like to eat sweets and think I'm diabetic. I usually give her handmade things--crochet towels, dried flowers, whatever cookies I have left that I didn't give away. So it's no big gift exchange. But I froze all the sweets from her and others, maybe will have to give them to other neighbors. I do have a couple friends who send me things I like, and I enjoy planning gifts for them. But I'm thinking about trying to cut down next year. I asked my nephew if I could just send $ this year and he said no, he likes my gifts! Someone else demanded I send shortbread. I shipped 6 boxes altogether and it cost $115 in shipping, and was exhausting. (I did receive a an unexpected knickknack and sent anazon prime gift in time.) Just trying to figure out how to tell people I'm not sending boxes next year. And then there's a neighbor who some years drops off a cranberry loaf early in the morning when I am barely dressed and unprepared to reciprocate and of course mortified. I would not knock on their door in the morning without warning. So how do you say I'm not doing this and please stop (expecting gifts/giving me sweets,...)?

Andreap - you just say what you wrote. Let people know you're cutting back and won't be exchanging gifts. Tell the people who like to give sweets to stop, that you're watching what you eat, and anything you receive will be donated at church, or some such place.

I don't get people don't stand up for themselves or continue to be used. Just say no.

Wow a 27 year old nephew who says no to cash and wants you to keep buying him presents instead? I'm amazed at that.

When people start demanding things, that's a sure sign to me that I'm going to stop what I've been doing.

I agree with Sephia, just say no. Maybe send out Christmas cards real early with a note that you're cutting back this year, giving them plenty of notice so they don't send you a gift to which you feel you must reciprocate.

You might be surprised that the others will be relieved they no longer have to buy a knickknack and pay for shipping to you as well. Except for your nephew, he'll probably not be too happy. :P

We have not had our family gathering yet, but will on Jan. 1st. As far as gifts are concerned, I will pay for the motel meeting room and make larger donations to charities. I used to buy for all of them, and I loved it, but it got to be just too much to find gifts for such a huge family. When I told them my decision to stop the gift buying in order to make these larger donations, the overwhelming remarks were that I should have done that long ago! They do still buy for me, of course, which was a kitchen range one year and a new microwave another year. The last two were all pitched in to purchase, of course, but every year I get such thoughtful and meaningful gifts. I know, I'm a lucky mom!

back to OP thread....i'm sorry, i don't buy that answer from son. if he "forgot" to tell you, wouldn't he at least have said something Christmas Eve?????? in person and resolved it then?? even on the sly to you or DH??

i don't want to hurt you or anything like that, truly but i feel there is more to this story. if they were in their early 20's, i could MAYBE see it, but in their 40's??? its just too strange to me, i see red flags!! if you always exchanged and they grew up with gift buying/exchanging their whole life, then something is up.....

easy to say "move on" but harder in reality. i would just sit back and see how the year plays out with children and then make decisions next holiday season. i know i would ask "are we exchanging this year" as early as decently possible.

OP, best of luck to you and i truly hope all is resolved in a peaceful way :)

You buy a gift for those you wish to. I guess this about a gift instead of a present which wants a return. I don't get it.....

Imacamper - I'm really glad you you feel that the issue is resolved and that you can move forward. You didn't mention this in your response above - but I wonder what happens next Christmas or other gift giving events like birthdays or anniversaries. I hope all of that has been clarified too so that there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

Anne:

For me at least it is not about the gift or present. It is about the fact you are not acknowledged or thought about that hurts. As I said in my previous post and I am sure the OP would agree. A card, a thank you or some kind of acknowledgement would have gone a long way. Even if they had said we didn't get you a gift or card because........ would have went a long way rather than sitting there feeling as if you only existed to cook and hand out gifts. I am not sure I can explain it correctly.

Anne:

For me at least it is not about the gift or present. It is about the fact you are not acknowledged or thought about that hurts. As I said in my previous post and I am sure the OP would agree. A card, a thank you or some kind of acknowledgement would have gone a long way. Even if they had said we didn't get you a gift or card because........ would have went a long way rather than sitting there feeling as if you only existed to cook and hand out gifts. I am not sure I can explain it correctly.