Loss my father


I'm still shelled shock over his death. On Oct 30th I took him to the Er for Shortness of breath. I thought he had pneumonia. Two days later the doctors gave me and my mother the worst news. He had stage 4 lung cancer that spread to his media sternum. After two weeks in the hospital he came home on hospice care but was over all feeling ok and being his normal self.

Then on Thanksgiving day my dad begged my mom to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. He was in so much pain and couldn't breath. He stayed in the hospital for 5 days. While he was there they pulled 2 litters of fluid off of his right lung. The doctors inserted a drain tube so we could drain the fluid off his lung and make him more comfortable.

My father passed away on 12/2 between 10:30pm and 11:30 pm. My mom was sleeping on the couch in the living room when he passed. When I got to the house he was already gone. I was lucky to have spent the day with him earlier. I even got to feed him soap for lunch (his final meal). My mom started to blame herself because she was asleep. I re-assured her that it wasn't her fault.

I feel so bad for her because she is so lost without him. We buried him on 12/9. I begged my mother to stay with me and my family and she did for one night. Then she went back to her home alone (well she and her dog). I feel awful that she is living alone but she assures me that she is ok but I keep visioning her breaking down every night. How do I know she is okay? I've been going over everyday trying to help her with my dads affairs. I just hate the thought of her being home alone at night.

What should I do to help her. What actually helps? I don't want to be pushy with her but I don't want to not be there for her either. I just don't know what to do.

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I am so sorry that you lost your dear father. It's good that you care so much for your mother, but she knows what she needs. Maybe she needs peace and quiet, maybe she needs to cry alone. You've been on high alert for about 6 weeks now, and since your father is gone, maybe you are focusing some anxiety on your mother. Take care of yourself now. Get some fresh air get some exercise get some oxygen into your body.

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I know I'm late with this but I hope my answer will help someone in the same situation.

The best thing and widow or widower can do is get out and be with people. Look around and see what your community provides. If you are a senior this is even more important. It is hard to meet new people when you are old and just sitting around the house is a sure way to dementia. Is there a seniors center or seniors drop in. Are there other senior widows or widowers living near you. Visit or strike up a conversation you may find a kindred soul.

When I was young I watched my wonderful mother-in -law slowly waste away losing more and more memory from very little human contact and determined that it would not be my fate if I were ever a senior in her shoes.

Well 50 years later I am in her shoes but not behaving like she did. My library offers a couple of people helping people weekly get togethers that I participate in. I do volunteer work and I often have get togethers with friends. I garden and oil paint. I'm busier now than I was when my husband was alive and I love it. I'm keeping my body and mind active.

Do I miss my husband--of course but life goes on

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Mrs. S

I couldn't agree more with you, dowlinggram. It is a change and a transition, but a grieving person , esp. the "older" person, needs to survive the changes and navigate a social life. It will be new and hard, but I have seen this with my mom...just a descent into dementia and living in the past....it is not what my father would've wanted for her. I'm proud of you, dowlinggram. Don't know if you have children, but it sets a good example for them, too, even at this stage of life.

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