I wished I hadn't started the thread. I thought it would be fun, Wendy Williams kinda gossip but as people post their thoughts, this seems to be more serious than I initially perceived, ugly and sad, really, sigh.

Yes Bossy, that is often what happens here....... But, we do love these personal threads!

But, you are a good friend for listening to your neighbor.

Relationships are complicated. I think that if I met a boyfriend that one of my DD's brought to the wedding for the first time, and the boyfriend said that they were exclusive ( which BTW is an odd thing to say when you first meet someone at a public function) I would be taken aback and a shocked. I think that is more of the reaction your neighbor was feeling.

We didn't meet our oldest's boyfriend until they were dating for a few years. My youngest will usually introduce after 6 months or so. They are both living on their own so easy to have their own lives. It doesn't concern me either way.

My husband has an aunt who has two sons. One is in a relationship and living with his partner for years, while the other son, who knows? We don't know if he has a boyfriend/girlfriend, nothing? He comes solo to every event.

I do have to say that this aunt is over bearing. But, both son's are devoted and see to her needs etc.

ETA: Yaya, I might just steal that line :)

Wendy Williams's gossip takes unexpected twists too:)

I think everyone has provided insight in a respectful manner and is sincere in their desire to shed some perspective on this very baffling situation.

bossy- I think anyone can see that a grown man hiding his gf from mom means that there are very deep problems. My guess is that this is a dysfunctional family (and we all are to some extent) which avoids problems, avoids confrontation and puts on a public face in order to cope with life.

My concern is for gf who is dating a grown man who is afraid to deal his mother. It shows a problem with boundaries. This is a huge red flag.

ps. this has been fun to ruminate about ;-)

I think it is OK to talk about real situations here on the KT, it's not only for entertainment.

How did this become "all about Nancy"? Why wouldn't you be cordial to ANYONE your adult son brought to a family wedding?

My guess is that the son's date insisted he bring her to this event, but any 'exclusive' relationship could be a figment of her imagination.

When I was in my early 20's our next door neighbors evidently praised me to friends who had a bachelor son (early 30's). A date was arranged, although I had some reservations -- on several levels. He was a very nice man: Polite, friendly, handsome, accomplished. By the middle of our second date I concluded that his sweet parents were anxious for grandchildren -- and unaware that their son was gay.

Hmm... gf would have to be a very loyal beard to play along for 4 years. Or, inexplicably unaware ;-0

My mother had no boundaries, and said inappropriate things to my friends. She always asked them if they could help me go on a diet. I completely stopped introducing any new friends to her.

Bossy, I'm sorry if my comments came across as hard@ssed. However, I have personal experience with a person like your "poor me" neighbor. And my experience has made me examine those people and their motives very closely. They can be master manipulators and truly believe they are the wounded party.

From the facts you have given, I see the son as the victim.

No worries littlebug. I thought all comments were insightful. I'm more embarrassed about being flippant re: somebody's drama, no matter whose fault.

“For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

and i'm dreadful and nosey! come back in a few weeks with an update....

Bossy, I'm glad you posted your thread.. I like threads that make us think for a minute or have a teachable moment in them. Who knows, maybe one day it can also help someone in a similar or relatable situation see things from a different perspective.

Maybe the neighbor doesn't realize that her son is estranged from her.

She's been "cool" toward her son's choice and how about the pain SHE has inflicted on her son and his friend? Then she goes looking for sympathy? Not unusual. There's more to it than we know. Nancy certainly is not a victim. I think it takes a lot more to be calling anyone in this incident a "victim". Woe is me does not constitute a victim in my book. Sounds like Nancy is someone looking for sympathy in any way, shape for form possible. She needs to quit trying to run other peoples' lives. 'Twer I approached like this, I would make sure *I* did not get sucked into her soap opera pity party. I would also make sure I didn't unconditionally believe everything she SAYS she heard or was told.

And for the ones vilifying the son, take a step back. He's handling things JUST FINE! I wouldn't inflict someone like that upon someone I liked either. LOL

While I didn't say it, I thought it. cynic is probably right. We can't know, but probably right.

He probably had good reason not to introduce her to his mother LOL! We have relatives that have trouble letting go. When their daughter stopped dating one young man after two years, they continued to invite him to family gatherings (which was very awkward for their daughter! Especially after she started dating somebody else and eventually got engaged).

Dances.

I disagree that son handled things fine. Letting his gf spring the news on mom that she's been dating her son for 4 years was very thoughtless.

Son needed to bite he bullet and step up and tell his mother BEFORE the awkward situation came to fruition, as it was no doubt bound to happen.

Son's M.O. is avoidance and that's a huge red flag to me for a man who's staring down 40.

Except only he knows what he is/was trying to avoid ;-)

Maybe he was smart. Maybe he had to take care of himself first. Maybe he wanted to hold onto this one. Who knows.

Avoiding telling your mother that you will be bringing your gf, before said gf runs into her and introduces herself, is a tad immature. Better to man up and face it head on. Get it over with. Swallow the medicine. Face the firing squad.

I agree with you mimi, but... if he was raised by someone who seems to lack social understanding (as is being suggested by her inability to see why he might've done what he did), it's possible he didn't have the ability to understand/appreciate that he should've done it.

Rob, right, my comment was assuming a healthy individual. Grown son might have been stunted by mom and never learned how to develop boundaries, thus the avoidance.

Other ideas... Maybe the gf thinks the relationship is more than it actually is. Son might be playing her. Son knows this isn't "the one" and did not feel the need to introduce her to his family.

I wonder how the car ride home was with son and his gf. I know I'd be ticked if I was the gf and found out my boyfriend kept me a secret from his family for 4 years. I don't care what the reason. Red flags!!!

Boundaries, lol. There are people who know no boundaries and never will!

I don't see where he didn't let his mother know that he was bringing a date. Maybe he always does and saw it as a a given. Do grown adults have to announce to their mothers that they are bringing a date to an event? Seems too old for that, imo. Then people would be viewing him as a mommy's boy who does nothing without talking to his mother first.

The problem was presented that she did not know he had a serious 'exclusive' girlfriend. This announcement came from the girlfriend, not them as a couple. Maybe the son doesn't see gf that way. Gf does because they are sleeping together.

It sounds like a territorial move on Gf part to me. Letting people know he is hers, they are exclusive. Putting up a little keep out fence around him. She probably lets everyone know they are exclusive.

I have to wonder if gf even said they were 'exclusive' (sounds odd to me). That's the mother's version. Undoubtedly different than others involved.

Do grown adults have to announce to their mothers that they are bringing a date to an event?

****

Have to? Of course not but yes, they should. "Mom, you'll be meeting my gf of 4 years. I don't want this to come as a surprise to you, and put you AND my gf in a very uncomfortable position".

That's how a grown up should handle it.

"Mom, this is Sally, whom I've told you about. Sally, this is my mom, Mary"

That's a thoughtful and adult introduction.

Forgot to add: respectful way to introduce gf to mom.

"Apparently he brought his girl to a family wedding and Nancy found out from the girl that they've been dating exclusively almost 4 years"

Ouch. Disrespectful to both gf and mom.

Before mom jumps to the conclusion that the GF knows the score I would ask my son if he were aware this girl things she is the one and only. If he corroborates her story then the next question TO HIM is why haven't we known. As a friend the only appropriate resp. is TALK TO YOUR SON!!

I have no idea what happened there or why, mimi. OP's version of mother's version of gf's version ...

But I don't see where it was disclosed that his mother did not know that he was bringing a date, or had never even heard of Sally for that matter. It could be that he always brings a date so it's a given in his world, without detailing the particulars of every girlfriend with his mother first. The mother and girlfriend consider the relationship serious. Maybe he doesn't. Or maybe he just doesn't want his mother in his business, pressuring him about this long time girlfriend, meddling in things with her at the wedding. Causing problems ....

On the other hand, so, he is the dutiful son who lets his mother know that he is bringing a girl, Sally ... conversation goes along ... no, he is not serious about her. Then ... oops, she lets the cat out of the bag one way or another when gf announces they are exclusive long time lovers . What!, he told her they were just friends ...

I suspect the son has had his share to deal with over the years and has taken the healthier path for himself. Sometimes the healthy thing to do is let go, move on, which apparently he did when he was able to after HS.

I feel no need to condemn or degrade or classify this person over a situation and relationship we know nothing about.

To me, it's a no-brainer that an adult child make a thoughtful introduction of the woman he's been seeing for 4 YEARS. It's just basic etiquette and respect.

Sometimes, we adults have to do things we really don't want to, because we understand we are not children and know better by now.

I have to say that when i went to college I never had time or inclination to tell mom every detail of my romantic life and it wasnt til starter husband proposed that I told her he was "the one". I don't remember my mother being upset about me springing the news. I was in a fog during that time so if she was upset I can't say I noticed...but there was never any drama or tension between us while growing up.

Darned, I accidentally deleted a comment. Too long won't retype except to say this is my version of mom's version of gf version as snookum pointed out, called gossip.

mimipad, you have no way of knowing that he did not introduce them!? I don't know where that setup even comes from. An introduction also does not require a detailing of how long they've been seeing each other or how serious they are! A lot of people consider that to be personal and private. Don't want others meddling and gossiping about their private business. Or interfering.

From what's been said, it sounds as if gf and mother had their own private conversation at some point where this disclosure occurred - supposedly gf implied something about them being serious. No one's business and a strange thing to say to your boyfriend's mother, imo. Good way to start trouble at that (even with him), which it has. So I'd guess again that maybe it was the mother who asked her how long they had been dating. 4 YEARS!!! She can't be expected to lie about how long. It's a shame the mother gave her son's girlfriend the cold shoulder. That says a lot right there why he might not want her particularly involved in his relationships, imo.

snookums2

mimipad, you have no way of knowing that he did not introduce them!?

******

I said a "thoughtful introduction", which would give some context to the woman this grown azz man has been involved with for 4 years.

Again, if this guy acted like a grown up, he'd have given his mother a heads up before the uncomfortable situation unfolded, as it was bound to and anyone who can see around corners could have predicted this.

That is a FAR cry from giving his mother a dissertation on his love life.

"Mom, I'm bringing a woman I've been seeing for a couple years. I didn't want you to be surprised and upset when I introduce you to her".

Simple and done.

There's no end to what I don't know, and what you don't know and what bossy doesn't know. I'm posting idle speculation, not penning a submission to Lancet ;-)

Whatevs.

Okeedokie Annie Oakley.

Here's another thought to ad to the mix- why exactly was Mom "cool" (not "cold shoulder") towards the GF? People seem to be assuming it's because son didn't tell her about GF. Perhaps it's because she figured son didn't tell her because he doesn't consider GF "the one" and so she din't want to get too effusive.

Although if son doesn't think after 4 years that GF is "the one", then as my late mother would say, it's high time to Sh!t or get off the pot.

"Cool": I find it wise to be polite but not fussy over my adult children's "friends". I do not see the need to fuss over every date I meet. I may never see them again.

Sounds like a lot of drama best to be avoided.

Bossyvossy never said that Nancy had never met the girlfriend or didn't know that the son was dating her. She only said that the news of them dating exclusively for 4 years was a surprise to Nancy.

And Bossy has already said here that she only posted with the thought that it would be a fun thread for all to "gossip" about the situation, so since we really have zero info other than what's in Bossy's OP, I guess we're all just speculating and coming up with our own version of reality.

One thing for sure, as a news reporter, story teller, or entertainment gossip, I stink!

Wendy Williams:. Your job is safe, ha

I'm sure if you had her "Bureau" and support staff, you'd fare better:)

We don't know how the mother is and what is the relationship between mother and son. There are many reasons why it wasn't spoken about. Can't say until we know the mother and the son. There is reasons why he didn't tell his mother.

I don't know how bossy you may be, vossy ... but I doubt that you're a shrinking violet, either.

And I note that you didn't call the one-crying-on-your-shoulder, "Poor me! Poor ME!" by phone ... as you figured that you'd be there for two hours (more or less can I presume?).

Is the lady making more of a mountain out of this (maybe) molehill than she should?

Can she see anyone else's viewpoint than her own?

Just bringing up a point that hasn't been mentioned.

ole joyful

Two thoughts come to mind... the son is going to make a lousy husband and the mom, as a mother in law, will be worse!

Not passing judgment, just gossipy fun! :)

My thoughts are that you should give Nancy a pair of sewing scissors, a needle and some thread for Christmas.

Her son has cut the apron strings and she needs to snip off the frayed edges and hem the ends.

He is a grown man and she is no more entitled to his personal business than she is to any other person on the street.

It is his life and he has a right to share it or withhold details of it with anyone he chooses, including family.

At the age of 30+, maybe he just didn't think it was any of his Mothers business.

Well, I guess that family relations depicted in the TV show Modern Family are complete fabrications. Irrespective of situation I described above, if we accept the notion that adult children don't owe their parents/elders info about their lives, how do you keep family unit cohesive? I realize there is a happy medium, but what IS that happy medium? Speaking for myself, as I chose to speak less and less about daily details on my life, work. romance, etc. a familial gap was created. I didn't mean to be secretive, but didn't find it necessary. There was no riff, but a vaccum was created over time. Do I regret it, a little bit but not enough to keep me awake, even for 5 min.

In constrast, another branch of our family talks daily, including what they're going to fix for b./fast, lunch and dinner and they don't really socialize outside bloodlines. I find them I little dull outside family topics. Where is the happy medium?

When does keeping up become "meddling? Maybe that's a topic for another thread, no?

The happy medium would be respecting someones right to privacy if they don't speak on a certain subject.

My family is very close and if one of us cares not to talk or reveal something, we're comfortable knowing "the why" is not going to be discussed behind our backs. Should I ever be in a situation where my family only now found out something that's been going on for 4 years, it would be a shocker! And something must not be right about the situation.

The difference is, your neighbor and her son do not have a healthy relationship.

Come on now rob333, we *can* know. I'm right! :D

mimipadv, AFAIC expecting a son to report everything in his private life to her is not just childish, it's selfish. It's his business, not hers. It also occurs to me that the mother must be pretty unpopular with a lot of people for this to go on for 4 years and she didn't hear about it through the grapevine. Or did she? No, at this age he doesn't need to call mommy every time he goes to the boom-boom room. Additionally my understanding is that this was not Nancy's event anyway so why in the world should he be required to request approval from Nancy to bring a date to an event that isn't her offering? I doubt that anyone does. This just amplifies the term busybody as I see it.

Well said snookums2. And brilliant Texas_Gem!

You can have a family relationship without someone sticking their nose in everyone elses business. Clearly there's an issue between them, but to say he's going to be a bad husband or is immature or whatever just because he doesn't report to mommy every five minutes with what he eats, is watching on TV and the color of his urine is pretty outrageous. What would be respectful would be for her to let him have a life. If she hasn't figured out there's a problem, well, then she has another problem.