on my iphone, it's settings, icloud and you can turn off/on

Have you actually explained to her that things like an impromptu party, new gadgets or whatever else has come up, upset your mother because of her age and condition? She simply might not understand that sort of thing or the difficulties of aging.

When you return the phone, tell her you appreciate she cares about your mother but the party left her in a bad state of mind for days and the phone is too complicated for her to use. Then suggest the plain visits to keep things simple for your mother or any other ways that she can actually be useful under the circumstances. This is the type of situation that, if she really understood, I doubt she would want to do anything that would hurt or upset your mother.

Do you have power of attorney or guardianship (I'm not sure the correct legal term here)? I know, my mind is just going there right away, but if you do, you could tell Ms. Meddling Meddler that she is not to contact your mother directly and that her visits must be approved ahead of time.

You really need to be proactive and not allow her to upset your mother like this. These perturbations to you mother's rather wonderful stability at age 99 are very risky. Your mother really needs you to protect her from Ms. Meddlesome at this point. One domino falling could lead to a cascade of events. Stability and routine are key.

I can not believe she brought a bunch of people and a dog to your mother's house!

I think she is going to take it badly, I'm afraid to say. But, that's not your problem. I would offer that you are not planning on cutting her off, UNLESS she violates your conditions. Then, enumerate them and make sure she understands that the terms are non-negotiable.

You are an amazing daughter.

I had almost an identical situation. DM is 96 and lives with me. A well meaning relative offered to get (and pay for) an iPhone for mom. My response was similar to yours. She already has a flip phone and the land line. She doesn't need another phone. It would be too confusing. So the phone shows up. Relative did not teach her how to use it. I can barely manage the email on my own phone let alone all of mom's junk mail. Oh yeah. Relative gave her a gmail account. I have no idea how to access it and I can't worry about that. Too much else to take care of with the elderly. So, long story short, I took the non confrontational approach. The phone sits on its charger in her room and goes untouched. Sort of like it doesn't exist. Sorry relative. Not my party not my problem.

Why do people think a 90+year old who has never had a smart phone or a computer can manage an iPhone?? Not to mention arthritic fingers. Need I go on?

I question whether your meddler will respond to blunt confrontation. However your situation is a little different than mine and it sounds like the phone is part of a bigger issue. (Meddling). My relative lives in another state and visits only occasionally.

I would focus on your mother's wants and needs. If the phone upsets her let her know that you will be responsible for it. If you can return it per Robo's suggestion that would be best. If not, I would move it to a high cabinet or to a place that is out of mom's sight. Does your mom depend on this meddler for emotional, social or spiritual support? That would make the situation a bit trickier. I understand and am sorry for what you are going through. Your son sounds like a wonderful person to be so involved with his grandmother. Take care.

Ded. other than these two incidents where your mom was upset, does she in general enjoy this woman's company? You say she comes once per week.

On the whole, are the visits something your mom looks forward to? Would it greatly matter to your mom if this woman were no longer in her life?

I think it is time for a face to face sit down conversation with the Meddler. Her heart is in the right place and I think she certainly doesn't realize the harm she is doing. She surprised your mother with a birthday party, and bought her an iPhone! My goodness, how "horrible" is that?

Seriously, the Meddler needs to understand that your mom is not in the same condition she was even just a few months ago. Explain how upset and confused your mom was with the party and the phone. Can she please limit her involvement to just a simple visit? You would so appreciate it.

Thank you so much for the additional very thoughtful comments. I am glad I came here first and did not pick up the phone and rip into her. After an afternoon to cool off a little, I've decided the birthday party issue has come and gone, so I won't go there. I may have to deal with it next year for her 100th. If we have any celebration at all, it will just be family.

As for the phone, I will wait to see what the billing situation will be. If Meddler is paying for it, let her. If she expects my mother to pay for it, I have 30 days to end the contract and I do have power of attorney. Either way, I will turn the phone off, put it back in the box and stick it in a drawer. If she wants to continue to pay monthly for an unused phone, that's her problem. What really infuriates me is that we had the discussion about the phone, and my mother, brother and I all told her NO and she went ahead and got it anyway. The only time my mother is away from home without me or my son (yes, he is just wonderful with her) is for an hour at the hair dresser once a week, and they have a landline should she have a problem.

Thank you all for being the voice of reason. Caring for an elderly person is stressful enough without this added thorn in my side.

I'm concerned about your mom answering the door. Can you let mom know not to open the door unless someone (meddler) has an appt.?

I don't know, by not returning the phone, you are letting her cross a boundary that was very clear. She will continue to think no doesn't mean no.

I am very nonconfrontational, but I think giving the phone back right away would be the right thing to do. And I would definitely say something like "it makes me very uncomfortable to have to bring this to you and have this conversation, but…" And then use Robo's good advice.

Yes, again, you're going to have to talk it out with her. Unless she loses interest and goes away on her own. In the meantime the spotted necktie phone is still in the picture, like a planted flag.

Snookums pretty much said what I started to type. You really should explain your reasons for the quiet birthday in an informative and non critical way, and return the phone.

I've been in yours shoes, my mother is almost 90. I appreciate that she has her own friends and social interactions, but advice even when well meaning from someone who only sees a brief window into their lives can complicate things. You are a caring and attentive daughter who has the final say. Make sure the meddler knows that, that you will and are taking responsibility for her happiness, health and safety. I do find with Mom when things are presented to her that are beyond her understanding or patience any more, it's very hard on her self esteem, as though she hasn't met peoples expectations or is no longer bright. She is not stupid if her hearing (even with new state of the art aids) prevents her from enjoying a larger group, or if she cannot master a smart phone (tremor) and I work very hard to assure her of that, make sure she is not presented with things beyond her current capabilities. It sounds as though you do too....

Ded, I seethe on your behalf.

The woman is not observing boundaries you have set. She did an end run around you with the birthday visit and the iPhone. She is confusing/upsetting your mom and blatantly ignoring your requests. Eff her. If it were my mom, Ms. Meddling Moneybags would have to go through me to get to my mom, literally and figuratively. If a group of 5 adults, two of whom I'd never met, showed up at my house unannounced, I'd have a fit. And their dog? C'mon.

So she means well. Does that give her carte blanche to do anything she wants? You know your mom best. I wouldn't have any problem telling Meddler to please take the phone back. And to go through you for any future visits. Keep your cool, but it's okay to let her know your mom was upset/confused and it angered you. Be honest. Own how you feel. What's the worst that could happen?

Agree with those above who recommend confronting the problem directly rather than ignoring it. When I have a thorn, the pain stops when I remove it.

ahhhh, if it were only that easy......

I'm more blunt and to the point than most of you but I would have cooled down and then called the meddler with this opening line "Make me understand why you came to my moms home and "surprised her" with a party and cake and gave her a phone that my brother and I specifically told you not to buy. I would continue with. You may not know this but my Mom was very unsettled by the surprise as she's a creature of habit and any big changes scare her to some point. My brother and I need you to know that you can't do that again or go against our wishes. She won't be using the phone as she doesn't want it. You may have it back. I'm sorry to be harsh but I need to put my Mom's needs first.. I'm sure you can understand that. then wait, give her some wiggle space for atonement and then reinforce that she agrees to be on the same page as your wishes.

It's a really good idea to wait at least 24 hours before taking action when angry or upset. I sympathize with you, however I'm still not clear whether Mom actually likes the Meddler.

Based on her traumatic family history, the Meddler may be unconsciously trying to usurp you as the favorite daughter and has now set up a sibling rivalry competition. Despite her complaints, Mom may enjoy having another visitor's company. Even though the "surprises" are not welcome, they offer a form of emotional stimulation which she may otherwise be lacking. And they don't seem to be intentionally malicious.

Why don't you ask Mom for input?

I haven't read all the responses, just want to say, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You have every right to be upset especially if she's by passing you and doing things that cause stress to your mom. I hope you are able work it out without too much more frustration.

Aaarrrggghhh. I bet the Apple folks could help you disable that phone, or at least the find my phone feature. Then, just let the battery run down.

People like the meddler often ignore any kind attempts to explain why what they are doing is not okay. I have no answers. I am, however, enjoying making guesses about who she might be. ;-)

What Yayagal said, except don't use the word sorry. Manipulative people need to be put in their place and if you show them an inch of weakness, that is all they'll see.

You can't be passive aggressive, you must let meddler know that she is way out of line and she has no rights to make decisions on your mother's behalf.

Give her the phone, say it's not wanted, she's been told it's not wanted and you and your brother do not appreciate her doing these things for your mother. Those things upset her and you and your brother have to deal with the fall out.

Then tell her there are to be no unannounced visits with your mother or any gifts not cleared by you or your brother first. Your mom is your responsibility, so treat the meddler as if she's meddling with your child-you'd set boundaries, so set those with the meddler.

Good luck!

This is very odd behavior from a neighbor. The phone--well throw it away. Why the fuss? GET RID OF IT and it is no longer an issue. As to her unwanted visits etc. I would consider a confrontation, you, son maybe police or lawyer type sounds like stalking in many ways. The assurance this unwanted person has money..I guess we don't have to be concerned she will bilk your grandmother ;but still I think her precedence in your grandmother's life sets her up for others to intrude. If Grandma got used to reporting/refusing ALL unwanted, non family intrusions I think she would be safer in the long run.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. What yaya and neetsie said.

The fact that your dear mother was upset with the birthday situation for days after says a lot. She must have been upset with The Meddler and her entourage but was maybe afraid to speak up when they showed up. Maybe she feels as if The Meddler is bullying her? I don't know, just speculating, because it seems like this person has bullied her way into your mother's life at least twice recently. I agree with what others have said, in that it's time to lay down the family law, and if you and your son need to do it together, maybe that will convince her.

Do you happen to have a family attorney you could pay to be with you? Or write a letter on your behalf? It might take a bit longer, but if you have the power of an attorney's written word that this person's actions are upsetting to your mother (and therefore her health and well-being), then The Meddler might take it more seriously.

Thanks again. I've read every word and appreciate the time you took to respond. I a glad I did not make that call while red hot angry! Last night I was out for dinner when my cell phone rang. It was my son wanting to know if I knew about the iphone. He was hopping mad, too! He said he will call the Meddler, which I think is better since she and I already detest each other. My son is in his 40's, btw, he's not a kid. I think he will be able to remain less emotional.

The only reason I a not taking the phone and shoving it back in her face is to spare my mother who is already upset, as I mentioned. She feels very caught between M and me and wants to keep everyone happy. She already has enough to deal with just being so old.

My mom has known M for many years. She generally finds her a pain in the neck, but also enjoys hearing her news -- how the kids are doing, etc. My mother's life is fairly narrow these days, so I do not want to cut off one of her social contacts. The bad blood, so to speak, is more between M and me. Right now I just want to know who is paying for the phone. My mother can well afford it but why pay for something i know she will never use. If I can get ahold of the phone, I think I will put a pass code on it and not tell M. Being passive aggressive is generally not a good thing, though.

Ugh. I just hate stuff like this.

I agree that passive aggressiveness is not a good thing. However self-protection is quite different and it's wise to distance yourself.

Right. Don't "engage" by passive-aggressive behavior, but try to view all of this as an arm's-length business transaction with a stranger. I know that's easier said than done, but especially since you and the Meddler dislike one another, that's the best way to treat this IMO. I think most of us understand why this makes you seethe and agree with your assessment of the impropriety of the situation, but try to consider the Meddler's problems as being solely HER problems that you have no control or influence over. Yeah - her actions create issues for your mother, which affects you, but by dealing with them on a "professional", factual level you're less likely to allow the M to take up your valuable brain space and it might help to keep your emotions in check.

dedtired, that's a perfect solution. Glad it's taken off your back.

Update. I just heard from my son, who called M last night and confronted her about the phone. He asked why the heck would she do that when she has already been told by me, my brother and by him that my mother does not want or need a smartphone. Her response was that she did not want to do anything that would cause a problem. Excuse me?? I cannot tell you how many times she was told that the phone was a bad idea.

My son was really good. He said that we are trying to simplify Mom's life by making things as uncomplicated as possible for her. For instance, I keep track of her meds and put them in pill boxes so she does not have to think about it. All her bills are on auto-pay. That sort of thing. He said the phone would just make her feel bad about herself since she cannot begin to understand it. Meddler said she thought Mom should have it for emergencies but could not come up with even one example of an emergency that would require a smartphone. My mother also has glaucoma and has lost half the vision in one eye, so she couldn't even see a screen that small. Her fingers are bent from arthritis and even dialing a regular phone isn't easy.

Oh, M did not intend to pay for the phone. She was on the verge of signing my mother up for a two year contract at $60 a month. What an ass. Of course $60 a month for her is like six cents a month for the average person, plus at my mom's age, she doesn't even buy green bananas (as the saying goes).

Anyway, I think this is resolved. Now I feel kind of wimpy for not calling her myself but I think my son handled it beautifully.

Cyn, if you googled her name you would see that she and her husband are big time philanthropists in NYC arts, although her name would not be familiar. You would recognize the name of the company her husband's family started generations ago and then sold, which is where the money comes from. She is wife #2, although the same age as he is. He is actually a great guy and I like him alot. He has been a savvy businessman. Cyn, you would be familiar with the house they own as it used to belong to an old Main Line family. It is 50 acres not too far from your old neighborhood, so you can imagine!

Oh, and thank you, thank you, thank you for hearing me out. You all are the best friends I have never met, except lpink, who I have met!

I'm glad that the issue has been handled, but my gosh - the NERVE of her to even think of signing your mother up for a financial commitment! How would she even sign a contract on your mother's behalf without some form of legal authority? Is she out of her ever-lovin' mind? (Yes.)

Yes is right. I have other stories I could tell but won't. She planned to bring the contract to my mother and have her sign it. I am sure mom would have signed just because she would not understand what the heck was going on.

>She planned to bring the contract to my mother and have her sign it. I
am sure mom would have signed just because she would not understand what
the heck was going on<

Same behavior as if she was in fact somebody trying to rob her. Even though she wasn't, presumably.

Although - unless cell phone providers never do this - there are companies that provide perks to existing customers who recruit new ones.

M just wanted to win the game and prove she could outfox my brother and me. I would have been back to the store in a heartbeat demanding that they break the contract and I am sure I would have a legal right to do so. I just feel bad that my mother does not see her for what she is. I am going to have to keep a closer eye on what goes on between them. I already made my mom swear that she would not discuss anything about me with M. She drops by at the same time each week and so I will have to start dropping by then sometimes, too.

Have you thought about getting a financial/legal power of attorney in your and/or your brother's name so you (and/or your brother) can prevent your mother from inadvertently signing financial documents that might contract her for expenses that she's not in need of? For example, the proposed phone contract (I know it's no longer an issue, but could have been.) If you had power of attorney, your mother signing the contract would have had no legal effect. Your mother doesn't have to be "incompetent" for you to get power of attorney; just agree to it. Also, you should have a medical power of attorney too in order to make decisions on her behalf if she's unable to do so. Might want to have a quick chat with an attorney experienced in family/elder care law.

That's a very disturbing turn. Good idea to "drop in"-keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

duvetcover, she has power of attorney . . .

I wonder what would possess Meddling Mary to think she was entitled to do the phone thing? I guess there is tension already so too late to find out. I'm really curious to know if something other than craziness.

So your mom still has the phone but no contract? Meddler was going to sign your mom up for one under your mom's name? A 99-year-old who isn't really in a position to understand such things? How is that not elder abuse?

I get that your mom enjoys the occasional visits from Meddler. Are you going to ask Meddler to arrange visits in advance through you? Your mom doesn't need to know that. Perhaps be discreetly onsite during the visits?

Honestly, ask your mother whether she likes this woman and wants to continue the friendship and visits. This is sounding like WWIII on the brink between you and the other woman and that is the last thing your mother needs.

I don't know where the phone is at this point. I saw the box at my mom's but she said M was taking it to the Verizon store to get it set up. My son stopped her before that happened. M bought the phone, so it belongs to her and I hope she takes it back.

I was going to assume Meddler was just one of those unaware people who wanted to "do good" more than she wanted to listen to you about the phone. However, the fact that she was going to have your mother sign a CONTRACT behind you back is just a bridge too far.
Can you imagine if she would have gotten away with that?
You would be trying to untangle that unholy mess for a long time, no doubt.

There's something bent about this lady.

Were you referring to the Main Line in Philly? Very monied there.

Ded, I was thinking of three possibles, but you just narrowed it down. :)

The idea that she would have your mom sign a contract for something she took it upon herself to get is appalling. I agree that would be like robbery and I suspect it would be illegal considering your mom's confusion about the issue. Maybe mention that if she continues.

My mom will be 93 soon. Can I suggest pulling her credit report

to make sure that meddling Mary has not used her name

for years my mom had a best friend who always had to be #1, mom always took her side too. It was not until I caught her friend stealing from a neighbor that mom realized how unbalanced this friend was and just how she lied It still hurts mom to this day. meanwhile the nut has made lots of threats against me, all documented and even after three different deputies explained to her to leave me alone... she still tries the occasional message

definitely be there she when shows up

ded, does your mother understand that she should not ever sign any papers without you being present?

Something else here; you normally don't even have to sign anything to get a phone set up. I know that we changed over to Verizon just over the phone, we didn't have to sign anything. It is a NO contract plan that we have. She could already be set up and never have to sign a thing, meddler could have done this over the phone.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My mil is almost 90; they moved here 7 years ago to be closer to us, and then fil died a few years later. She has found it difficult to make friends, missed her hometown friends desperately, and there is a woman in her apartment complex who has "befriended" her. This woman drives mil nuts, and yet she still visits with her. Like your mom, she doesn't want to hurt the woman's feelings, but I know that mil is lonely and it something to have a visitor in an otherwise boring day. But those visits often leave mil upset for days too. I have no advice, just wanted to let you know that I think I understand why your mother continues to visit with Meddler.

Wow. I think it's good that your son stepped in first. Hopefully, she will back off after just the one conversation, but if not, then you can step in and since she's already been addressed about the matter, it won't have to be so civil.

You've raised a good son- a good young man.

Just a quick story of what happened to me that is the exact opposite of this story. Comedy relief: So...I walk the neighborhood daily with my dog. There was this elderly lady that stopped me to pet the dog and "oooh and aaaah" over my dog. I started stopping daily and chatting for a few minutes daily. After a while she starts hinting at needing someone to mow her lawn and in the winter she'll need someone to shovel her drive and can she have my phone number for an emergency contact number to give out. I don't even know the woman other than her first name...I never went past her house again and changed up my walking route afterwards. HAHA! No thank you, I have enough work to do around my own house!

I'm so glad that your son was able to handle this situation to your satisfaction and hopefully you won't have to deal with the Meddler again. Although from your description it doesn't sound like she'll accept defeat graciously - keep your fingers crossed that she doesn't sign your Mother up for 'Fruit of the Month' club.

I'm still in shock that she planned on having your Mother sign a 2 year contract- she obviously thinks she knows what's best for your mother. I have a sister-in-law like that. It can be really difficult to deal with people like that.

Does your mom have buck$$? Is her estate plan in order and doesn't involve the meddler? Be careful...

Excellently stated, pinkmountain. Just wanted to comment on different treatment that very old people get from females vs. males. FIL gets annoyed at daughter b/c she nags and questions like you would a child. Of the two children she is the one that worries more and is more attentive. Yet, when we visit, DH treats his 90 YO dad like he's 70, and I notice he tries harder to keep up. I'm in the background, holding my breath and hoping he doesn't collapse. It seems to me he feels uplifted b/c son does not treat him like a fragile porcelain doll, which BTW is exactly what he is, IMO. Poor SIL feels unappreciated b/c she's being as caring as she possibly can yet it's bro that gets cooperation.