Children's Room Help Needed!
raeshanks
7 years ago
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aviastar 7A Virginia
7 years agoraeshanks
7 years agoRelated Discussions
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Comments (1)We added ONE more day.. Today... so come on by! Marleen is taking a well earned rest. But come see my DH! Lots of Toms' Heirlooms included..left!...See Moreadvice needed to help children change schools
Comments (5)Thank you everyone for your suggestions. bnicebkind: I was all prepared to commute to the new school if he felt like he couldn't do it. But we visited the schools beforehand. We went on lengthy tours, saw our new house and made a fun day of it. Like your suggestied shaknzmom: I just asked them to keep an open mind and we would see what we can do. We had just a couple of moments where my now 13 year old was sad, but I just said to him "you can do this, I know you can. And it's going to be alright, I promise" Then we discussed the postitives of the move and I promised to let him stay connected with old friends on the weekend. And like you suggested socks: I tried not to get too hung up on the birthday thing. It actually worked out pretty well. We moved to our new home on a Friday and his birthday was that Monday. I drove them to our former town so he could go to school there for his last day. We celebrated his birthday as a family that night and had a bigger sleepover with old friends planned for the upcoming weekend. That gave him something to look forward to. But we developed another problem (a good one). By the end of the week, he had already made a really good friend that lives 3 houses down and wanted to invite him too! Anyway, he had a great birthday and all three of the kids have made great adjustments to their schools. (preschool, elementary, and middle). Both elementary schools - former and current have gone out of their way to help my middle son adjust. I only with they did more to help middle schoolers. I know that they could arrange some pen pal writing going on, or a few teachers could at least have e-mailed him to see how he is adjusting. And I think that his current teachers could make some contact with us to welcome us or reassure us of his transition. They just don't do that at this level, at least not the schools around here. I know what you mean shaknzmom about the coddling. I KNOW I have done too much of that with my oldest and my other children handle change much better that he does. And they get along with others better and problem solve easier. I guess it's back to how you learn everything on your first one and the other's benefit from your wisdom. For me it also has alot to do with guilt. It's like if we are not providing that perfect family setting where everything is right and predictable, I feel guilty. But you know, we have given up so much for our kids to have what they do and we do the best we can because we love them. I really need to let it go. Thank you for your kind words of support. I had posted at the kitchen table forum earlier because this forum just wasn't moving. They have some great people over there too....See MoreNew stepmother to estranged adult children - need advise and help
Comments (5)I'm seeing two different issues 1) you resent your husband talking/suggesting aborting a child 2) you can't separate what he did 2 plus yrs ago compared to 8 yrs old. And now he wants a 2nd chance at what he 'blew off' 20 yrs ago. I actually suggest counseling to deal with your feelings of 8 yrs ago. You have to come to grips that one has little to do with the other. Of course, easier said than done. 20 yrs ago I'll assume your husband was young, stupid, selfish and irresponsible. A living breathing child of that era has contacted him and wants to see what his 'bio-dad' is all about. The son is not looking for a 'daddy', he's all grown up and he had a 'daddy' all those yrs who loved and cared for him (just not his bio-father). The idea of this son getting to know his bio-dad, perhaps spending a bit of time, should not threaten your husband's relationship with you and/or your kids. Why would the son interupt what your husband and you/kids have built for a family? It's two different things. Just as the son does not need a 'daddy' he does not need a 'mommy' either. You don't have to be stepmom of the year nor evil stepmom. You're the son's bio-father's new wife, really nothing more to this son. Why would you want to make the son feel like you must be the evil stepmom? If your husband for example decided to have dinner with the son: three things can happen 1) husband, you and son meet for dinner 2) you decide to stay home and allow the father/son time to discover each other 3) you toss a fit, insist your feelings are hurt and that this somehow endangers your current relationship with between husband and you. Why feel sorry about the 'daddy' who did raise and support the son? The gentleman does not need your pity. Obviously the guy raised the child into an adult out of love. The guy/son's relationship and bonds are totally different than whatever happens between the son and your husband. The son is curious of who the man who 'made' him is, what happened, why, blah blah. It's a natural curiousity. Who knows what will happen? Maybe the son will decide your husband is a jerk and want little more to do with him after a bit of getting to know him. Maybe son and bio-father will instead have an adult man to man relationship and grow to respect each other. They'll never know if you hold them back from trying. If you hold them back, both perhaps will always resent your 'issues' with the fact the son exist. You can't wave a magic wand and wish the son away. There should be no reason this son comes in and threatens whatever life your husband and you have built together over the last 8 yrs. One has little to do with the other. This is something between the son and your husband. A relationship may work out, it may not. Unless this son is stating he's moving in with you your life should pretty much go on as it is now. The only difference would be that now that life might occassionally include the presence of an adult son. Is there more to the son like perhaps drug/illegal issues that he may be bringing to the table? Has the son given any indication that he resents you/your kids? That he intends to come into your life and be mean and nasty rather than simply curious and wanting a chance to know who your family is? I'm not trying to downplay what happened 8 yrs ago nor your feelings over having/not having children, just saying that if your husband is dead serious about getting to know the now man he walked away from 20 some yrs ago and you really are having a hard time with it, perhaps some counseling to sort out what/how/why you feel may be benefical. It may also help your husband understand your feelings and hesitancy. That it's not about the actual living breathing person (the son) that it goes deeper for you....See Morehelp with children - steps and bio
Comments (14)I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. DH is great. He isn't turning a blind eye to SS's behavior. He realizes there's at minimum an "attitude problem" going on. SS's behavior got worse after his biomom left (again) last fall. She tends to come (after being gone for years at a time), promise to be a real mom, hang around just long enough to make SS think maybe she really will this time, and then disappear which is where I think the majority of SS's behavior is coming from, especially the unconscious behavior aimed at women. The physical incident between the 16 and SS happened after the 16 yo didn't shut the van right and in SS's mind if something wasn't perfect, I might leave just like his bio mom so all his anger at biomom came out backwards at the 16 yo. There's only been one physical incident but in a household with austistic spectrum kids, it just takes one incident and they think there's the pattern. I really don't want to make excuses for SS but I do understand why he's acting the way he is. I'm just not sure how to help him, try to keep things fair in the meantime, and not walk around being constantly ticked off at him. I"m thinking this is going to be my plan of action. Let me know what you think 1- SS starts seeing a counselor - as soon as one can be found- period - I"m not his biomom and shouldn't be punished for what she did. I would never ever treat him or anyone that way. and most siblings of children with disabilities have problems adjusting or relating to them, why wouldn't a teenager thrust into the situation, especially with not just one sibling but 3? 2 - Anytime SS doesn't do his 15 min daily chore he will not leave the room the chore was to be in (even if I have to sit on him and he misses his baseball game, pees his pants, or I'm late for work) until he does (making DH enforce the rules isn't adding much to my credibility with SS - It's almost like SS wants me to be the one to punish him) 3- If SS doesn't mow the yard properly with the riding lawn mower, he will use the push mower, even if I or DH have to follow behind him the entire time and make sure he does it all. 4 - the attitude will stop. If he can't see that we all have to work together, I just might try the strike thing and see how much he likes doing his own laundry, own dishes, making is own meals (probably just sandwiches since he can't cook and I"m not buying special groceries for him to eat alone and he wont' eat leftovers). Maybe then he might come to the conclusion, that even if he doesn't realize it, we all work together and people are doing things for him. 4 - the lying, "storytelling, "smart alec comments", whatever you want to call them - I'll just immediately call him on it. NO more games, no more him trying to outsmart me, no more trying to catch him in the lie, just quietly, and simply state "that's bs and you know it" and move on 5 - any attitude directed at the other kids will become immediate and lengthy family discussion and we all know how much teenagers love those, most likely followed by a grounding where he's required to be around the other kids and has to get along - no going to his room, no going to friends, etc (I'm in the office only 3 days a week so this should be able to be closely supervised). 6 - as for unfairness in material possessions, they'll each just have a dollar limit for school clothes, etc. IF SS wants to blow all his on one pair of shoes and one pair of shorts, so be it - he doesn't then get to complain that he has nothing to wear. 7 - as for the homework, DH and I discussed at the end of the school year, that we can check on the computer for finished homework - if the homework shows as not turned in on Friday (too bad if the teacher forgot to update it), the TV from his room is gone (no more cable, no more video games, etc) and he spends each night until bedtime at the dining room table doing homework and has to physically show us the homework (the exact missing assignment and any current assignments emailed to me from the teacher) is completed before being excused - if he says he forgot it at school the principal has kindly volunteered to go open up the school for him (the principal just doens't want it to become a daily thing, but I think we'll only have to call this bluff a couple times) - this one is going to take a lot of time, but again I don't think it'll be something that will always require as much time, just follow up, once he sees we mean it ok what does everyone think?...See Moreraeshanks
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