It's interesting that you post this today. I saw this in my newsfeed yesterday. The second and third drivers were driving drunk, and something strange was going on in the first car:

WASHINGTON — Two people were charged with DUI Sunday following a
three-car crash on northbound Interstate 95, leaving one dead and two
in shock trauma.

A car with three passengers pulled off to the right shoulder of
northbound Interstate 95 in Jessup, Maryland just after 3 a.m. Sunday.
Two of the passengers stepped outside the car to retrieve a phone
charger when a second car struck the parked car and the passengers
outside, according to Maryland State Police.

The parked car overturned, ejecting the driver. Soon after, a third
car struck the driver of the first car who had just been ejected.

The driver of the first car was pronounced dead on the scene and the two passengers of the first car were taken to shock trauma.

The second driver who struck the parked car was charged with DUI and manslaughter. The third driver was also charged with DUI.

I am always the designated driver as I don't drink alcohol either. I live in the metro DC area and we all Uber when we go out at night. It is actually rare to see a friend drive their own cars at night. My friends are usually very responsible and because of the Metro and Uber, getting around while intoxicated is quite easy without driving your own car. We recently had a police officer killed while he pulled someone over by a driver that was under the influence. I don't understand why people would drive drunk or inebriated. It is hard enough driving sober!

Why are your middle-aged adult in-laws still drinking to the point of being drunk? I gave that up in my early twenties because I don't like feeling hungover. I still like a drink but I'm not going to make myself purposely sick.

I don't drink anymore either (nor does DH), but we know people our age (and older) whose lives pretty much revolve around social drinking. When you're not a part of that, it's really hard to see what was ever even remotely appealing about going out for a few drinks, but it's a lifestyle that many people never give up. Binge drinking isn't something relegated to college-age people. I think it's debatable as to whether binging is a form of alcoholism, but I see a very strong psychological addiction in the people that I know who still engage in the behavior. It's as though something vital is missing from their lives, and they continue to seek it in the lure of "feeling good for just this one night" -- again and again.

"drinking and driving" has more than one meaning. People playing with their coffee cups or texting in the car can be just as dangerous as those who have had too much alcohol to drink.

If I thought that somebody was going to get in the car that shouldn't, I wouldn't hesitate to pocket their car keys especially if I was the host because I am certain that you could be sued for allowing them on the road. Sometimes when you think in dollars and cents terms you can get other people to realize that it is better not to allow someone who has had too much onto the road.

Since you are a nondrinker, you should be aware that a sip of alcohol does not make you automatically too dangerous to be on the road. But it certainly raises an issue-why in the world put yourself in the position of drinking where you knew you had to drive later? Here's the deal. If you're a very large person and you have only one glass over a two hour or longer period, especially if you're a man it probably had no or very little effect. If you're a smaller person, a woman, from an ethnic group that cannot metabolize alcohol, or drank that first glass very quickly then it had an effect. A second glass in less than four hours will have an effect, but again much less to hardly discernible for large men. Even if you're a man the third glass will impact you regardless of your size.

It took me quite a number of years to realize that one of the men in our circle who always, always, always had a glass of wine or beer in his hand, had only ever had one glass - he either didn't drink at all or nursed it all night long. I think for him it was easier to have the appearance of going along with what was being served then to appear to abstain/disdain.

I feel for you in this situation. What your DH's family is doing is dangerous and frankly, reckless and selfish. A DD is something that adults should do automatically, if they imbibe to the point of intoxication.

It's a terrible culture and the kids are going to think it's acceptable, which could be deadly.

Grapefruit - what do you think would happen if you were to speak up and say something? I think expressing your concern and encouraging them to always have a designated driver would be perfectly appropriate. They may become defensive, but they can't deny the truth.

What practigal said. As you are a nondrinker, you may not have a good standard from which to judge whether a person who has been drinking is still legal to drive. My DH is a large person and he will drive after no more than 2 beers, but not after a mixed drink, unless an appropriate period of time has passed.

If he doesn't drive, I do, as I am a nondrinker.

Littlebug,

I always think about that but I think a bottle of wine and a mixed drink is too much for any one person not to be impaired. I have been in restaurants where a table of four had four bottles of wine and each one of them got in a car. Very scary! There may also be slurring of speech:-)

How many accidents have there been where the drunk driver or drivers survive but there are fatalities among the people they hit?

I'm usually the designated driver for things like family gatherings. Dh will usually have a beer or two and a glass of wine with dinner when we go to stuff like that. If we are going out socially with friends, we typically will take a cab or Uber home. We live in a tourist town, so easy to get cabs/ubers. While it's not that we are drunk, I don't take the chance if I've had more than one drink (two is my limit even when I'm not driving simply b/c I can't sleep if I drink more than two drinks in one night-I don't understand the desire of some people to go out and drink too much). Most of our immediate circle of friends are the same way - it's usually the wives who are designated drivers or will take an uber like us. It's not that the men are binge drinking or obviously drunk, but if we go out for several hours, the men will typically have several drinks over that extended period of time and none want to risk misjudging their capabilities or legal BAC. In fact, our town just started something recently where during big festivities downtown, they have mobile breathalyzers so that people can test their BAC to illustrate how little it takes to be legally intoxicated. It's called Know Your Limits.

And sadly, way too many people still get behind the wheel after drinking. I just don't get it.

Just my humble opinion, but I think it's unconscionable for anyone to get behind the wheel if there's any chance he or she might be impaired by alcohol or any other substance. And having young kids in the car takes it to another level.

I grew up in the Mad Men era, before MADD. It was common for people to have "one for the road" back then, if you can believe it! And my parents and their friends all had travel bars - a little suitcase that carried a bottle of "hard stuff", a mixer, drinking glasses & utensils - so they could fix themselves a highball at rest stops!! Seriously.

My Mom didn't drink much, but my Dad would indulge with friends & family on weekends. I was observant enough by age 9-10 to pick up on slurred speech and other tell-tale signs that he'd had a couple & I remember sitting in the back of the car, literally, praying that we'd get home safely.

Whenever my mother encouraged him to hand over the keys he would get defensive and argue that he was fine. It was the 60's.... Better for her not to antagonize him and have him driving a little buzzed AND angry. That was a time when kids were not allowed to admonish their parents or even "suggest" they might want to pass on that last drink.

I vowed I would never have my kids, or any I was ever around, in that helpless position. I have always been more than happy to be the DD whenever I've attended an event where there is drinking.

I don't buy the argument that some people because of gender, weight, etc. can have a few and still drive safely. We've entertained folks at the lake who can drink several beers one day and not feel the impact, but on another, if they've been active doing water sports, or in the hot sun, or working mixed shifts, etc. will be loopy after one beer.

We know better now. There are more people on the road these days. Geesh, it's a pretty sensible rule - If you drink, don't drive!

Yes, it is a common problem. I don't drink, so am designated driver if my DH has had some alcohol, & I find it inexcusable to drink & drive. Our friends generally don't over indulge, but if wine is on the table, many will continue to have several glasses....makes me not want to entertain in our home. Sad, huh?

Thank you for all of the feedback! Obviously I cannot tell if someone is over the limit simply by observation. These folks do not get sick, do not stagger, etc......but I see how much they drink! They will have multiple beers, glasses of wine, followed by shots. If it is an all day event ( Thanksgiving dinner, for example) the drinking goes on for a large part of the day! And then they drive home!!!

We do not host any of these drinking events....that would never work for me. I cannot imagine saying anything to them. They really are nice folks. But, the drinking has been going on in their lives for a long time. When we are vacationing together their day begins with bloody Marys for breakfast. At least then they are not usually driving.

Yes, their children see this constantly. They will follow as soon as they turn 21.

Mayflowers, I have NO IDEA why they do this! This is not something that I can relate to. I am happy to hear that others find this crazy.

Some alcoholics develop such a tolerance for alcohol that they can drink massive quantities without being impaired. I had some of those folks in my family. They have since died of cirrhosis. Maybe you have some of that going on.

My DH has colleagues who drink like grapefruit mentioned. Bloody Marys in the am, followed by wine, hard drinks, etc. throughout the rest of the day. I honestly don't know how they function. They are nice people, professionals, etc., but I don't enjoy hanging out with them because of their drinking.

Yes, I have seen this first hand and it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't usually drink, I just don't have a taste for it, but when I do, I limit myself to one drink if I'm going to drive, and I always eat food when I do drink. My DH quit drinking years ago and won't have a sip after he had a scary thing happen to him while he was driving after drinking (fortunately no one was hurt).

My mother and her DH carry a portable bar with them, and because I don't serve alcohol at my house, they hit their bar pretty hard. We have argued with them about it but my mom insists they're 'fine'. We haven't taken the keys from them yet, but they don't come over to my house anymore either.

My late MIL would get hammered and DH would take the keys from her all the time and but she'd outfox him and have one hidden. The last time she drove from our place drunk he laid in to her and told her he would never speak to her again if she did that and she then proceeded to give him the keys every time.

My kids don't drink & drive-they always have a DD. If they go out for the evening in our hometown, they walk downtown (they live close by) so they can walk home. My son just stays where ever it's at (a friends place) or he sleeps in his car if he's been drinking. And my middle daughter doesn't drink at all. They were all brought up to know that it's NOT acceptable and to always have a DD or call a cab.

It's very hard to bring up-you will be argued with and made out to be the bad guy by many. But if you do bring it up, I thank you. I don't care how well controlled someone feels they are-even 2 drinks can put you over the legal limit-you might be 'fine' to drive, but the law says you're not. It's just not worth it.

Grapefruit, what does your DH say about this and why hasn't he spoken up already?

They are what's called "Functioning alcoholics." My dad was one. Whiskey was his drink of choice. Not once did I ever see him drunk. But I knew he carried a pint of whiskey in his suit jacket. My mom used to go through his suits and throw away the bottles.

They divorced when I was a teen because of his drinking. He was a highly skilled and functioning Engineer. When he'd come visit me he'd pour some whiskey in his morning coffee. Again, I never saw him drunk.

One morning in my 30's I got a call from the manager of the apartment where he was living. He said my dad had passed away. He was only 60, and I talked to him often. Never sounded drunk.

We immediately drove to where he lived a couple of hours away. I assumed he had a heart attack since they discovered a bunch of newspapers outside his door and he was alone.

Once we got there and they let us in, all the carpet in his bedroom was GONE. WTH? Well, apparently he was in bed and woke up bleeding severely out of the mouth. Blood tracks led to the bathroom, floor pooled with blood, then back to the bedroom where he died.

It was from Cirrosis (sp) of the liver which I'd never heard about at the time.

I loved that man more than anything. When he and my mom divorced, he gave her the big house, furniture, everything. Except the books. That's all he wanted which was in the divorce decree.

Time to get involved. BTW, I loathe the taste of alcohol. Even if you put it in food I cannot eat it. One drink makes me drunk. Thank God! :)

Oakley, thank you for your comments. First, I am sorry that your life with your father was determined by alcohol. It is so sad that this is true for many people.

My DH has never said anything to them. He is not the type to " get involved" unfortunately. I am sure that if he did talk to them about it they would think that I put him up to it! Your mother had the good sense to remove her family from the problem. In our case the spouses drink as much. Like your father, these are highly educated professionals . I am certain that they do not drink on the job....they at least have that much sense. But......when it is time to socialize....watch out!

Grapefruit, I too have never been a drinker. I've just never understood the attraction. How can people enjoy not having complete control over what they do and how they behave? My daughter has never seen me drink and I seldom saw my parents drink so much as a beer or glass of wine as well. However, as middle aged adults, my daughter and her husband enjoy going out and do it often. Yes, they're adults but even so, I've done my best to ensure they do it responsibly, two years ago, their Christmas present was a high quality breathalyzer! And I do ask if they are using it.

My first husband was a raging alcholic and a violent one to boot. I didn't know the things he did to me could even happen; so maybe that's why I have zero tolerance for it but I don't allow drinking of any kind in my house and made that clear to my current husband before marrying him. I'd have NO problem standing up and saying something to your husband's family. I'd have NO problem taking keys or picking up the phone and calling the police as they get in their car. I personally wouldn't care in the least with how it affected the relationship because honestly, it's a relationship I would want to be a part of. I'd never feel calm or comfortable around them.

What I would regret however and even feel some responsibility for is if an innocent person was injured, maimed for life or God forbid killed by their ignorance and I knowingly could have stopped it.

I underderstand alot if not most people will look at my post and disapprove to my black and white approach and that's ok, but it is very black and white for me. Please know I'm not judging you or anyone else because everyone's opinions and experiences are different. I feel for you and the situation you are in, I really do. I just feel that putting THEIR feelings (as in any drunk driver) and how they would respond to your concerns regarding their intent over the lives and safety of others (when statistics prove it's only a matter of time) is wrong. I think as citizens we have a responisibility too so I personally couldn't have a blind eye; especially when there is an opportunity to be proactive and actually prevent a tragedy before it happens.

For those who say they know people who drink a lot yet they never "seem" drunk - or they never "see them" drunk - I submit that you've never seen them sober. Excessive alcohol consumption changes people in one way or another, always. They may indeed be highly functional alcoholics, but slurred speech and staggered steps aren't the only results of drinking. Personalities change, and sometimes considerably. Some people get a little more friendly, a little more talkative -- but that's not who they truly are. Alcohol seems so "freeing" to many people. Just that little "extra" that helps them open up a bit more and better endure situations that otherwise might make them a bit uncomfortable. I've used it myself to "take the edge off just a little" in social situations, but it masked the real me. When I think about it now, it really bothers me.

Ida, I saw my dad sober many a time. He was the same sober as he was "drunk." Let's just say he could handle his drinks, like many people I know who only get drunk at parties.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that an alcoholic may "present" a certain way - giving the illusion that they are handling their drinks and behaving "as normal", but there's a marked difference between being completely sober and having an excessive amount of alcohol in the system. I think there's a lot going on in the inner person that we're never aware of, although, as you say, they may give the appearance of being in control.

I'm very sorry about your dad, Oakley. What a horrible way for him to die.

Lukki, you are absolutely right! I agree with all of your comments. I know that my SIL drinks.....but never drives then. My DD probably drinks, too, but she has NEVER taken a drink in front of me. But, it really bothers me that they have a " bar cabinet" in their home. I just do NOT want my sweet grand babies to ever think that is ok! I try not to think about it....because it makes me nauseous.

I am going to have a talk with DH and let him know that I plan on offering rides home to his family members. I want to see what his reaction will be. I am already the oddball because of my non-drinking. I am sure that they will feel sorry for my DH.....that he ever married me nearly 40 years ago.

I can't get in to the drinking all day or all evening long thing either. My family is dong beach camping this week and I've been back and forth the last few days since I'm not off work till Thursday, but it's funny they ran out of waters yesterday but the cooler was packed full of beer!!!

Thanks, Jen. My eye's were opened up that day about alcohol.

For those of you who have FB, do you see a lot of pictures of a glass of wine or other spirit someone is drinking to look glamrous? I see it often with my girlfriends, but it's really bad with one in particular.

She lives out of town and I know from experience she drinks and drives. Unfortunately I was in a situation where she was the only driver. When we left a gathering the thought of how she could be drunk didn't even cross my mind until she swerved on the highway while reading her texts.

I told her to put down her phone and she confessed to me she drinks and drives quite often. I'd say she shows a picture of her wine several times a week on FB. Her son's do the same.

The thing is, people ADORE her pictures, but I don't think they know she really is an alcoholic, because if they did, they wouldn't be encouraging her. I finally stopped replying to those posts. People just don't get it.

Grapefruit, thank you for not taking it the wrong way. I think offering a ride is extremely kind for you to do. It's sad that people like that would not recognize that or even appreciate that you're going out of your way to do the right thing. If they see you as an oddball for not drinking, then something is really wrong with them! Personally, though I'm happy to be an oddball. Congrats on 40 years, we celebrate our 17th this next month. Obviously, your DH is a smart man and knows when he has something special. :c)

Oakley, yes these same family members always pose with a wine glass, bottle of beer, or a whole bottle of something!! One niece lives in an enormous, stunning home which has been professionally decorated. Above the main fireplace is a large picture of a bottle of something. Of all of the gorgeous artwork out there they chose a bottle of booze.

Yes Oak, I get that too. I have a friend who posts something about wine or margaritas, either a meme or a mention of them EVERY SINGLE DAY. Sometimes more than once a day. Another posts from every lake, beach, river, house party, dinner out the booze. And inevitably the next morning a photo of her Bloody Mary. My eldest does drink a lot of microbrews-but not that she's now pregnant, and never drank to excess, but to me-a virtual non-drinker-it's a lot. But as I stated before, they always walk, taxi or have a DD. She said the last time she drank too much she realized she wasn't a twenty-something any more and it's just not fun the next day.

Lurkiirish, you are correct. For most people drinking really is a black or white experience. They either drink to excess or they really don't drink at all. Just because they're high functioning alcoholics doesn't mean they aren't drinking to excess. The more years that you drink at all the more that you realize there is a very small group of people who seem to be in the middle- they can truly take it or leave it - is a small group getting smaller every passing year because I think they either end up drinking to excess or realize it's really dumb and quit drinking altogether.

For most people drinking really is a black or white experience. They either drink to excess or they really don't drink at all.

I disagree. Most people I know enjoy one drink. They don't drink to excess or to get drunk. Of course, I do know some people who continue to drink what I think is too much, but unless they're driving or responsible for children, that's their (foolish) decision. Why anyone would deliberately inflict illness (a hangover) on themselves is beyond me. Life is short, I don't want to waste any time feeling sick from something totally preventable.

My SIL is a very, very light drinker but she's always posting drinking related memes on Facebook. I don't understand it except maybe she thinks she looks 'cool'? She's almost 60 so why she still wants to look like a drinker or 'cool' is bizarre to me.

Based upon my own observations, those who frequently post drink-related photos on social media seem to be wanting to convey the idea that they are always having a great time, partying, and enjoying the company of others. It's as if they're saying, "Look at how laid back and sociable I am. I'm fun and people like me!"

I have to say that, having been distanced from others who drink and drinking-related activities, I can't think of much I'd rather not do than spend time in the company of people who are buzzed or on their way to tying one on. What a vapid waste of time.

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner. That must be exactly what she's trying to project: a fun-loving, party all the time life. Which is the total opposite of her real life. How sad. I've often thought if she spent less time on Facebook and more time cultivating real friends she'd be happier.

eta: When out with one friend, I always drive myself, and not as their DD, so I can leave when I'm ready and they want to stay later. And they always want to stay out later than I do, even if they aren't drinking. They bring their own DD and stay out as late as they want, so it works great.