Sounds like you created monster here!

"I'd love to visit, but we're right in the middle of something and can't entertain right now. How about you come back at X?"

Sounds like a contradiction?! I would think a friend who felt comfortable enough to drop in would also be comfortable enough to just "hang" or even jump in and help? I'm too far away from my friends and family to do that, typically. Sunday, my mom and our friend came over. We dropped what were doing but I literally had to turn the stove off and drain the pasta. It depends on who it is, I guess. If it was Lin, I'd keep going. My mom can't hear so I have to stop.

And you are rewarding their behavior, and reinforcing it, which means that they continue to stop by. You can't change them, but you can change your treatment of them. Learn to set boundaries and be consistent. You want to be nice? Say, "Hello, I have just 5 minutes to chat then I really must send you on your way because I have a lot to do today."

You want to be consistent and not change your lines. A variable schedule only leads to more persistent behaviors, and make them harder to eliminate.

Reward your friends by calling and inviting them over specifically to chat, on your own schedule. But do not reward dropping in.

No one would drop in to my house. They know to call first.

I'm not very good at handling those situations either. However I know what I should do......First - Don't let them in the house, once inside then you have to ask them to leave which is doubly hard. When you answer the door tell them nicely that you don't have time to chat. Suggest they give you a call later - or tell them that you'll call them.

Now practice this 4 or 5 times so you'll be prepared the next time.

fun2bhere, question. How would they know not to drop in?

I very rarely have drop ins. My friends know to call first. It would depend on who it was and if I had something important I am working on. Generally it would be a short period of time and I would sit down with them and visit. I don't recall that ever happening here.

LOL, Rob333. In answer to your question, I don't know exactly how my neighbors figured out that I don't welcome drop-in visits. Maybe people in my neighborhood are innately more reserved? Maybe because I've never told anyone to come by anytime?

I truly was perplexed, but I see, you are too! Hm. I have an office mate and he says he has perfected the don't you dare talk to me look on the airplane. He loves that he can keep people from bugging him. But, he's nice, so I don't get it? People are funny creatures.

My mom loved to just drop in on people. "Oh, we're near so and so, let's drop in".

Ugh.

I had a neighbor like that. Then I did like mimipadv recommends, to say "love to chat but gotta get back to what I was doing, how about at this time?". She has gotten the hint and calls b4 coming. Problem solved. Did not work for a relative who only drops in. Was terribly insulted that I would expect advance notice; why the formality with relatives? family is family, is the relative's belief, so my position inflicted a deep wound in this relationship. oh well....

who am I to comment? My mom is trying to not only invite herself over for Memorial Day, but the entire family. I have no boundaries. I'll just sit beside you and wait for some good answers jasdip.

Bossy, re: your relative, did you ever just drop in on her?

I would never just drop in without calling first. And, that goes for a good friend who lives just around the corner.

Is there anyone here who loves drop in company?

Would love it--in relative's view is what families do. Love with no boundaries of any kind. My formal approach, and I'm like that with everybody, is perceived as standoffish to this person.

" How would they know not to drop in?" In my case, I just don't answer the door. If they call later to inquire, I just say, "Oh, I wondered who was at the door; I wasn't expecting anyone and was right in the middle of something, so I just didn't answer. Probably better to call first." It's easier because I live alone and your hubby would have to be on board with ignoring the door, too.

The picket fence I made for the front yard years ago has a front gate made of matching pickets. Unless I'm expecting a shipping delivery, or a visit from someone I expect, it is mostly locked. It isn't heavy duty, if there was a fire or something it wouldn't take much to kick it down or go over it, but it discourages casual visitors.

Ha! My father just left a little while ago. He comes and goes as he pleases and would feel insulted if I, or anyone else, ever asked him to call first. My mother and sisters realize that I like a warning call, but my brothers don't call if they happen to be close by, and decide to drop in. Father-in-law is the same--maybe it's a guy thing. None of them stays very long, though, unless it's a scheduled dinner.

We've had friends who were drop-ins, and never seemed to know when to leave. They were a married couple--sometimes came together, sometimes only one, sometimes with their kids. I've always been a pushover, and unless we had plans to leave at a certain time, we entertained them until they left. They were nice people, interesting, and interested, but just seemed clueless, and never seemed curious that we didn't drop in on them. Our kids are grown, our lives are different now, and they haven't stopped by in years.

No one in my grandparents' generation ever called ahead before dropping in for a visit. My grandmother's siblings would drive for 3-4 hours, with their families, and take a chance that she and my grandfather would be home and ready for a day-long visit, and that the rest of the family could all gather in at a moment's notice. And we usually did.

Years ago I had a drop in friend who would just show up. Once I was in the shower washing my hair, and when I came out she was in my foyer. Today I wouldn't have been so polite. We're still friends but she doesn't stop in like that anymore. I basically don't answer the door unless I peek out to see who it is. I do drop in on my daughter, usually Friday and Sunday nights but she knows it's a habit and expects me.

lily - but maybe she doesn't want you there. Maybe she'd like to plan something with friends but feels that she can't. I would never drop in on my kids without calling ahead first.

rob333 - do you want your mom and family to come over on Memorial Day?

Not its not a guy thing it is very old, very very very trad belief in family dynasty where elders believe their offsprings' home is like their "branch office" home. And therefore they have a say in comings and goings. You don't question or correct or suggest to elders no matter how wrong they might be. Ask me how I know....the stories i could tell you about it

I agree with the replies to explain you can't chat right now or you're in the middle of something. Or chat for 15 minutes if you're feeling generous despite the unannounced visit and then say you must be getting on with your Saturday tasks or whatever and don't suggest another time to get together if you don't want to. I don't have family in the area, so that's not a factor, but even so, I NEVER answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. I would also NEVER presume to drop in on anyone, even my own sister, mother or daughter.

If my daughter isn't going to be there or has plans , she texts me. Many times we go to Panera to eat Friday nights. Tomorrow though she'll be a districts track meet . I stop on Sunday on my way home from the gym , and they're usually all there because it's close to dinner. We stay a few minutes. Don't worry, my daughter is no shrinking violet. She'd tell me. Thinking back, I had an aunt and uncle who always visited us on Friday night for three years when we lived fairly close to them. We lived out in the country and my kids were always glad to see them. I was too because it was like a ritual. They brought do- nuts for the kids, and that's a memory they have.>>But I never drop in on friends.

lily - sounds like you guys have it worked out. I didn't mean to come across as sounding judgemental in any way although I might have done so.

And perhaps that's what nice about your arrangement just like with your aunt and uncle. It's not a ritual so much as a nice family tradition.

There is probably a fine line between a family tradition and a over-bearing nuisance.

I think one also has to be honest about how much one likes or dislikes the transgressor. If my SS showed up unannounced I'd be jumping for joy whereas if others pulled the stunt I would be seriously POd

If someone showed up at my front door without a prearrangement or a call first, I'd answer the door with "Hi, what's up? I'm just leaving for (make up something that takes a long time). Sorry you can't stay, maybe you could call next time you want to come by?" And then I would drive off.

Bad manners are bad manners. Our friends and family know we are always open for unplanned events and dropping in, if we're free, but it's impolite to not call first. I don't care who it is

rob333~I kinda know what you mean. When we were selling our house, and buying another one out of state because of a job situation, I had a relative already planning to gather some other relatives to come a stay with us for a week. It was very stressful! We ended up seeing them several times because someone in the family passed, but this person kept saying they were planning for everyone to come visit and stay at our new house.

Snidely, I'm surprised at you! You are typically on the side of honesty when it comes to things like this!

I fail to understand what's wrong with, "I'm in the middle of something" or "I'm on a tight schedule today" or "I can't stop what I'm doing" or " This is a totally bad time", etc. Suggest a later time or a phone call to soften the blow.

no one drops in on us...nor do I drop in on anyone!

Those who know me would say the same as you did, so that a thinly veiled obviously BS comment gently conveys the desired unspoken message.

DH had an old school buddy, divorced and living alone, who just showed up maybe 3 or 4times a year for years. (I'm sure it would have been more if not for the distance.) First time we heard from him after drifting apart for years we invited him out for dinner on Sun. He showed up on Sat night instead. "I figured why wait?" Each time, " Dang, you have to call first". Over the years I can remember him popping in on a summer day as I was having a meltdown because I had the furniture moved, carpet cleaner ready to go, frantically looking for the 3 prong converter so I could plug it in. "Get out of here, I don't have time to visit". He got the bums rush a few other times too.

Sometimes DH would go to bed during a visit. Such was the case the last time we saw him. Another week night drop in. We sat on the porch talking about nothing. DH went to bed. The price of Pepsi, more nothing. We got a phone call a few days later from his friend, who had also come out here a few times. Loren died last night. What?! He was just here, he was fine. No, he knew...

At his funeral everyone was saying, I wish I had more patience when he dropped in but we were busy.

Seems to me...
1) If they're a friend, then you should be able to tell them when it's inconvenient.
2) If they're not a friend, you shouldn't want them stopping by anyway.

1. It sounds like you have things you NEED to do so the issue of them not liking whether you're tending to your obligations shouldn't be an issue, and you should feel no guilt about doing what you need to do.

I grew up in a family where you would seldom call first. Long distance calls were not something on which this family wanted to spend its disposable income. So it often would be a "drop in" situation. Plus people didn't have phones at the cabin so you couldn't call them at the cabin, or call them from your cabin. Today, cell phones have changed that. (Whether that's good or bad is debatable!)

I want my guests to feel welcome. But at the same time they need to know I have obligations. If I need to get bills paid, I need to pay them. They will not get my undivided attention. They can't, unless they want to pay the penalties for late payments! When I was working, I often worked long hours, worked odd hours, and often had work to do at home. When I traveled I had limited time to take care of home chores so I might be getting home for a couple days which gave me time to pay bills, return calls in order of priority, mow/shovel, maintain and more. This actually helped condition people to call first. I usually make it clear to people if I don't want drop-in visits. One of the tougher situations is when I'm in the hospital. The LAST thing I want when I'm in the hospital is people hanging around. GO AWAY! I want to rest and recover, I do not want to entertain. You are not doing any good by bothering me. Some love it, I don't.

I've been known to drop by unannounced and if I do I don't feel bad in the least if I'm told it's a bad time. If I see they're obviously busy, I wouldn't even stop. And this only applies to people I KNOW enjoy drop-ins.

One of my late cousin's favorite sayings was "I hate to kick you out but I have to (do ___, go somewhere or whatever). Give a call or stop by again." I've used a variation of it, to the effect that Gotta kick you out now but glad to see you (IF I was!) again. Come over again but it's best to call and make sure I'm here or not sleeping. A lot of times I would be gone, or sleeping I have an unusual sleep schedule so people know I get sleep when I can.

Another thing that has helped in my situation is I have been using IM and email with a lot of people so they can use that to check if I'm available or the other way around.

Tell them you can work and talk, maybe add that you've advanced to being able to walk and chew gum on occasion too so you can talk to them while you're puttering in the kitchen. You might also mention, for instance, if you don't your bread made, you won't have it for your meal(s). Or if you don't get ____ done, _____ will happen.

Or if you really want to get the message across, just say "I need to get my shower. Be done in about 20 minutes. Have a cup of coffee while you wait." You could enlist their help to carry laundry baskets to the laundry room or ask for a ride to the laundromat! Or suggest they accompany you to the grocery store? Mention they might need some groceries they could pick up at the same time. :)

People are animals. Animals need to be trained.

Now if I could just get the birds to call before dropping by for an extended visit.

I do want them to come over on Memorial Day blfenton--I merely wanted it to be MY choice ;O

Along with that though, I am very glad my mom knows I can host it (I finally have a house!) and am happy to do so, typically. In her text she said my brother hadn't volunteered (of course not! He has a really screwy schedule and never volunteers in the rotation. He does other stuff like work on our cars or electrical issues for free. I'd rather have that!), and I replied, neither did I [volunteer], but I'd think about hosting.

This conversation reminds me of a comedy routine. It's about how the concept of dropping in has changed. If you want a laugh, watch this....

Perfect Meris! Very funny stuff. It was all so true.

Too funny. Doggone it's true! I honestly remember that excitement when we got "company"! I miss those days.

Our family, when I was a kid, did this all the time to family members. And they to us. It's just what was done and we didn't think twice about it.

Now, however, as an adult I would NEVER do it. And people don't do it to me. If a new acquaintance does, I just don't answer the door.

Meris, very funny!

Glad you enjoyed the laugh, and share my sense of humor,...totally made me crack up!

Sorry if I hijacked the thread, I thought it was appropriate to the topic at hand. And it seems the OP got the advice she needed?

Meris, thank you for that. I'm crying.....that was hilarious!