My first communion was 47 years ago. Only my immediate family was there, mom , two sisters and dad. Of course, I had a God mother and God father, but they were not at the ceremony. Now, I wonder if it was because my mom was a last minute person (she was notoriously neglectful in all areas of our lives)!

I received no cash or gifts except for a white rosary which I have to this day. I guess I would suggest that you not punish the child for the mistake of the parents, at least if you care for the child and have a close relationship with them.

Snidely, we are politely declining. I just like to come here to vent. Junebug, we only met the child once when she was born. This is childhood friend's granddaughter. We rarely socialize with the friend, as he has become vocally very racist. My DH grew up with him and he has kept in touch, out of a sense of nostalgia really.

I'm in the NY area. We have received invitations whether or not we are close to the couple, the parent's etc. So you don't have to be especially close to be invited.

My feeling is that this is a well planned for event. The invitations were printed and well thought out. I can't believe the entire guest list received one week notice for this event. And it's for this reason why it doesn't sit well.

In my family, if there is an important event, we all know about it early enough to "save the date." Personally, I would not invite anyone, unless it is a casual gathering at the last minute.

Yet, here I am hearing it is okay by many. Th us, the title of my post? Maybe it's a regional thing?

eld6161.....Ignore those who must criticize to feel better, and come here to vent any time you choose. Cheers.

eld6161

Snidely, we are politely declining.

******

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!

If you feel like you were a second or even third choice, well then, I believe you would be the best person to make that deduction.

Of course, it's nice to be able to come here and vent a bit!

I received no cash or gifts except for a white rosary which I have to this day. I guess I would suggest that you not punish the child for the mistake of the parents, at least if you care for the child and have a close relationship with them.

*****

My communion was a terrific shindig party that my parents threw. I got religious presents from close family, and a lot of cash, IIRC ;-)

No, it's not about loot, but I did get generous gifts from friends and family that my parents put into savings.

IME, communions call for a gift, so if I really didn't know the honoree, AND got what I thought to be an obvious late invite, I would consider a polite decline.

Wow, I had no idea a First Communion celebration involved a big party. For us, it was just a family meal, I suppose; I don't really remember.

Based on the additional information provided, I take back my comment that you were a second tier invitee. Here is the scenario I have created: after all the planning is done and the invitations sent, the child's grandfather finds out that this is a big shindig and insists an invitation be sent to you. His wife and the child's mother both protest - "but the party is a week away; it's too late to send an invitation." He insists, they roll their eyes, and the invite goes out.

I'm with justlinda - I don't understand what this event is. Our church (Presbyterian) celebrates Communion once a month, every month, and all in attendance (typically those the age of 14 or older) at the regular service that morning are invited to "take Communion" which involves wine (or grape juice) and a bit of bread or cracker. The whole thing takes 10 minutes tops and is just a part of the service that day.

So is this event for someone's FIRST Communion? I am just curious.

First Holy Communion was a huge deal in our Catholic Church. My Mom gave big party for each of her kids on this occasion. We celebrated this way again for Confirmation. I have very fond memories of my white dress and veil and I still have many of the religious gifts I received. Having said that, I'm pretty sure people were invited well in advance. I do think it is strange to send out invites one week before.

Yes, it an event for the First Communion. And yes, around here, big parties are common. (Same with confirmations.) In this case, a dinner at a local restaurant.

Garywings, the friend's son lives downstairs, so they are involved in each others lives. No surprises there.

I guess the point is no matter how you slice it, to me, it just doesn't seem right to send a last minute invitation. Again maybe this is a regional thing.

So, many of you are telling me that when you have a family event like a christening, communion, or a high school graduation, where a large party is planned, you send your invitations a week ahead?

So, I think invitations went out way ahead of the First Communions because there were so many Communions and parties to attend. Often, cousins were having the same event around the same time. Family members didn't want to have parties on the same day so I'm sure people planned and were invited well in advance.

So is this event for someone's FIRST Communion? I am just curious.

***

Yes, it's a sacrament. Communion/The Eucharist, is part of a full Catholic mass.

The Seven Catholic Sacraments

My First Communion was in 1960. My grandmother flew out but probably not specifically for the ceremony but a visit was planned anyway so why not come for the FC. After the ceremony my parents had a party with just family----my grandmother as well as two aunts and uncles and cousins who lived nearby. I received religious gifts as well as some $.

I do think this is a second-tier invite, given that the invitation is pre-printed, arrived a week before the event, and Eld is not close to the child or family and almost never sees or socializes with them. I find this "trend", or whatever it is, appalling, especially if it's an occasion where gift-giving is involved. You begin getting declines from the A listers so you start sending invitations to the B listers. It just smacks of nothing more than a gift-grab.

Eld----even with the late invitation, I would decline the invitation based solely on the fact that you don't know the child and aren't close to the family and I would not feel obligated to send a card or gift.

. Often, cousins were having the same event around the same time. Family members didn't want to have parties on the same day so I'm sure people planned and were invited well in advance.

******

In a Catholic-rich environment, this is true.

It just smacks of nothing more than a gift-grab.

******

Knowing that you pretty much show up with a money card for the FHC, it might be a gift grab.

I just don't get any problems with declining the invite, IOW:

Comme ci, comme ça

It took me a while to understand that you were invited to celebrate a child's First Communion -- timing of the invitation aside. You were not invited to attend some random service during which communion was offered, but something the RC church deems a milestone.

This is comparable to a Confirmation among Protestants, or a Bar or Bat Mitzvah in the Jewish faith. Each is about a young person (supposedly) consciously joining and being accepted into a religion.

The *first* communion (like the occasion of the bar mitzvah) is 'earned'. The child must receive instruction before being permitted to take communion at the mass. Communion is common; a first communion is a one-time thing.

I find it peculiar to believe that a seven-year-old is mature enough to make such a major life choice -- and doubt it could even be a free choice -- but that's just me! You have the perfect 'cover' for not attending -- you've made other plans.

"I find it peculiar to believe that a seven-year-old is mature enough to make such a major life choice -- and doubt it could even be a free choice"--I bristled at your comment--there is so much anti-Catholic bigotry still in our country. I can only hope that you are questioning thoughtfully rather than criticizing something you may just not understand. I found the following thoughtful response to your comment at the Catholic Culture Website. For Catholics, the Holy Eucharist/transubstantiation is a fundamental distinction between our faith and Protestants. It is a guiding force in our lives. You are never too young to try to be worthy of this miracle. See below explanation from Catholic Culture.

The objection that a child should wait until he can understand what he is doing when he receives Holy Communion is no objection at all. He understands as well at seven as at seventy. The Holy Eucharist is a mystery as profound and unfathomable as the Trinity. One does not understand how Christ can assume the form of bread and wine. One believes. A child must believe, and if it helps to substitute the word understand, then he must understand that the bread looks like bread but is not bread, it is the Body of Christ. The wine looks like wine but is not wine, it is the Blood of Christ. To ask him to understand the mystery of it is asking of him something that even his elders do not understand.--https://www.catholicculture.org/culture/liturgicalyear/activities/view.cfm?id=601

Anne- I believe, and perhaps I misunderstood but, I believe Chisue is referring to making such a major life choice as choosing to be a member of a religion, in this case, Catholicism.

There is no way a child as young as seven can make such a decision rationally, they are simply doing as they have been coached to do.

First Holy Communion is a a Holy Sacrament--one of 7 sacraments--baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders, and Annointing of the Sick. Each Sacrament is a special occasion or celebration of the presence of God in your life. In our case, God is the Trinity and includes our relationship with Christ and the Holy Spirit. For Catholics, baptism is the first step.

I am reading this bit about "coaching" children. Do you criticize Jewish parents who have a bris performed on their 8 day old male children? Those children don't have a choice. Many would consider circumcision an important life choice. Mormons baptize at age 8 and children become members of the Mormon Church. Is that too young? I believe that parents have a right to raise their family with a religion of their choosing and with the traditions of their faith. I don't think it is for other people to criticize.

Yes Anne, I do. I think choosing to follow a religion is a decision that a rational, fully formed mind should make. I'm against indoctrination in all religions.

Well, as long as it is all religion. Thank you for the explanation. I don't agree but I appreciate your explanation.

A rational fully formed mind can choose at a later time to have a different religion, or no religion at all.

" I believe that parents have a right to raise their family with a religion of their choosing and with the traditions of their faith. I don't think it is for other people to criticize"

I totally agree.

When we die, depending on our economic status, we may not have a lot of 'things' to leave our children. But our lasting gift to them are the things we teach that can help them make sense of an often confusing world.

Anne, you are entitled to your beliefs, but they are not held as Universal Truths by *everyone*. If they are as deeply meaningful as you believe, IMO they are beyond the understanding of a small child barely beyond the age of magical thinking.

My comment was intended to differentiate between a teenager who is (hopefully) NOT 'going along obediently', but deliberating whatever Truths he has been taught --and then taking a step into his adult life by making a mindful decision about embracing them.

I think a first communion is very similar to baptism or the traditional bris. They are imposed by the adults in charge.

There has to be a Catholic-comparable Godwin's Law. There just has to be.

Oy vey.

I never said that my beliefs were universal truths. I said that they were what I and other Roman Catholics believe. I don't go around questioning anybody's faith but I will defend/explain mine when needed . We don't believe that there is a problem with the age of reason since it is a mystery of faith for any age. Lucille is correct in my opinion. When children become adults, they can leave or join any organized religion they want.

Mimipadv--you seem to have a good sense of humor (-:

Annegriet

Mimipadv--you seem to have a good sense of humor (-:

******

We have to these days. That, or develop a serious drinking problem :-)

When children become adults, they can leave or join any organized religion they want.

*****

Exactly. We don't sign a billion-year contract with Sea Org. Or...maybe we do (insert Twilight Zone music here).

Umm Sea Org eh? Heaven forbid, then we'd all be jumping up on couches (on the Oprah show, nonetheless)! j/k

I was never a believer, remembering specific, private, thoughts about not believing at the age of four. Yet I was forced to go through all of the study and rituals of the Catholic Church even after I consistently voiced my personal feelings about the religion, and stating my own lack of belief. I don't think it is for you to tell me that I cannot criticize, Annegriet, lucillle and mimipadv.

---'When children become adults, they can leave or join any organized religion they want.'---

In the meantime, it is perfectly ok with you to force children to lie to meet the parents and church's ends? Our small parish was only sent the priests that were being "disciplined" for being pedophiles, engaging in homosexual activities, financial "irregularities", etc. Even at a young age I saw them for what they were, partially because I was aware of such activities in other areas surrounding my life away from the church. You think it was harmless (or funny???) that I had to deal with that until I was an adult and could leave?

I don't think it is for you to tell me that I cannot criticize, Annegriet, lucillle and mimipadv.

******

Whoa, whoa. I never said that. I'm trying to make light of this mishegas. Judas Priest!!!!!!

I'm sorry that for your childhood awfulness, falcon. Sounds like it was bad.

"Yet I was forced to go through all of the study and rituals of the Catholic Church even after I consistently voiced my personal feelings about the religion, and stating my own lack of belief. " This seems like a beef with your parents not us. My parents would not have forced me to go if I really objected. After Confirmation, we were allowed to make our own decisions but we generally chose to attend.

No sane person can defend the Catholic Church Abuse Scandal. I cannot defend the Church on this matter. I believe that all guilty parties should have been arrested, had their day in court, and been given the maximum punishment allowable by the law if found guilty. I believe in the financial reparations to victims since they did not have their day in court.

Having said that, the crimes of the Catholic Church were perpetuated by men and covered up my men. I will not allow those men to rob me of what I believe to be the essential truths--that there is a Trinity and that at the Mass, the host and wine become the body and blood of Christ. This is a fundamental distinction for Catholics.

I won't make excuses for the Catholic Church. I won't point to abuses in other religions. I won't point out other evils to justify that horridness of what transpired. But again, I won't let those evil men rob me of MY truths. This may be difficult for some to swallow. I accept that these folks may have been victims or known victims but I also believe that the Church can be transformed and better days are ahead of us. I have no problem with people leaving the Church and do not criticize those who do--I just don't want to be beat up for staying or choosing to raise children in the faith of my choosing.

I am also sorry for whatever childhood difficulties you may have had gyr_falcon.

I'm sorry, mimipadv I didn't have your name there at first, but you did agree with the statement that that leaving would be an 'after I have became an adult' choice.

Oh, I have plenty of beefs with my parents, Anniegriet. My mother was the one that was the Catholic (by proclamation, not by actions BTW) and forced me to take part in the church. But you wrote 'I believe that parents have a right to raise their family with a religion of their choosing and with the traditions of their faith. I don't think it is for other people to criticize.' Maybe they do. But that was not a harmless right you think they should have. So I feel it is also my right to be able to voice my criticism.

I was clearly too immature to go through the Communion process as a child. I recall going into the confessional and just making up stuff to say to the priest because that was what we were supposed to do.

I will state again what I did a few days ago in a different thread.

Teaching children HOW to think is much more important than teaching them WHAT to think.

When you raise a child in a religion, you say they are free to leave when they are adults, but that only happens after you've spent years trying to teach them what they should think. You teach them a belief as though it is fact when it isn't.

I think my dad inadvertently put it best when he was upset with me for not raising my children in the church.

I told him that they are more than welcome to go to church, when they are old enough to understand and choose to do it.

He responded that if children aren't raised in the church, very few will ever join as adults.

Hmmm, that's quite telling isn't it?

If your belief system was so profoundly truthful, wouldn't any rational adult be jumping at the chance to join it? Why the need to hook them early?

gyr_falcon

I'm sorry, mimipadv I didn't have your name there at first, but you did agree with the statement that that leaving would be an 'after I have became an adult' choice.

*****

I'm sorry you feel damaged. That must be tough to reconcile.

That said, I'm climbing my way out of the rabbit hole this thread has gone down, as unfortunately, many seem to do ;-(

All the best to the OP and this little wrinkle of life. It was a good thread while it lasted.

Ciao!

lol graywings. I made up whatever I was supposed to "confess" too. In fact, I used the same sentence/sins every week, so the priest could not mistake my feelings about the process.

"This seems like a beef with your parents not us."

Yes. What you responded to was a straw man argument from the getgo.

It certainly is a rabbit hole. Again, I am sorry Falcon that your experiences were terrible and that you feel your experience was detrimental to your development. Why aren't people jumping at the chance to join the Church Texas-Gem? I wouldn't know--I don't go around recruiting. I do believe you can raise ethical, functional, well-adjusted children without organized religion but I've always appreciated the greater community and sense of belonging as well as the familiarity of tradition and ritual that my Church brings. Guess what? We're all living our kind of America. Good for us!

I am also sorry for whatever childhood difficulties you may have had gyr_falcon.

Thanks, Annegriet. I survived somehow. The church was just a lesser annoying blip--and certainly not the most damaging thing growing up. The sensitivity probably is higher for me due to it getting wrapped up with the other issues. Forced religion alone probably would not have been as damaging, but together it left nowhere to safely turn for help.

Back to topic: This is a milestone in the child's life. If you want to be a part of it, go. If not, don't go. Don't bring negative energy to the party.

I cannot see etiquette playing a role in this decision. When I had my first communion at age 7, I knew exactly what I was doing, I still believe in it, it was very special to me, and the only keepsakes I remember were a rosary and a photo of the communicants (my friends) on the altar. I couldn't care less about a party or gifts. Those to me seem like they would detract from the significance of the sacrament, which is about a personal, one-on-one, intimate relationship.

The paranoia about the alleged "bigotry" toward the Catholic church would be best for its own thread and it's a discussion worth having if certain parties can keep from getting out of hand. I CERTAINLY have a few comments to make on that (and some things that really need to be said) but it's so far off topic here, I'll respectfully refrain.

To me, the decision on the topic is quite simple. If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. I agree it sounds suspiciously like a "gift grab". I would not be sending a gift. And no I don't think you're thinking differently, at least not from my thoughts on it.

Many of these "invitations" should be read for what they are actually saying. It's not "You are invited to attend...", rather it's "You are hereby commanded to send cash or ___". And IMO it's pretty presumptuous to suggest that someone is "punishing" a kid for not sending a gift. I couldn't disagree with that philosophy more.

Coincidentally, I attended a First Communion Mass yesterday, which was during my usual Mass time. I am so appalled by parents who were standing all over the aisles with their cameras/phones to catch "The Picture." I found this to be utterly crass for such a holy time, and Father had to ask everyone to be quiet after Communion. The real message seemed to have been lost; I think the parents should have been better educated at the same time as the kiddies.

I am glad you can come here to vent.

____________

One can raise a child who makes the decision all on their own, very early on, to enter into a relationship with Him or not. It's possible. I only bristle (good word!) at the thought that it's never possible for a child to think deeply about this. I assure you, it can happen.

TX, you and I think a lot alike, so I think you might understand it better coming from me than your dad. It is impossible to make an informed decision about the whole religion thing if they don't receive enough information, and that is best obtained by surrounding the child with many different points of view from both sides of the issue. One sided won't cut it ;) If you arm your child with loads of knowledge, they can hear it all and make their own decisions. About a lot of things! Including the decision how they want to live out their religious beliefs, if you give them enough information. I know you believe it in other areas of their lives, just don't forget it can happen here too.

You might approach the situation by arming them with what you've heard/encountered, what they might encounter and let them go just so they have an idea. It's what I've done many times with my son and he knows truth when he hears it when I've said here's what a is a mainstream thought, here's what I thought, and here's what happened for so many things!

Because... it sounds like you're trying to do the opposite of indoctrinate... keep their ears and eyes away from it. They will encounter religion and an informed kid is a smarter kid. I know you know that. I merely hope this helps with dad

Thanks Rob, that's actually what we do. I was raised in the church with a deacon father and Sunday school teacher mother. I know the bible backwards and forwards and have told my children about it. As well as shared what I know of other religions so that they hear different sides.

My parents share their beliefs with my kids and we have had many discussions about it.

The biggest difference is that my parents present it as a fact instead of a belief, "Jesus is the son of God and the only way to go to heaven is to accept him as your personal Savior."

Whereas I tell them, "Some people believe that Jesus is the son of God and they believe the only way to go to Heaven is by accepting him as your personal Savior."

My 8 year old told me a few weeks ago that she was a Christian. I asked her how she knew she was. She responded that she was because our family is. I asked why she thought that. She couldn't give an answer.

As I told my husband that night, if they choose to follow, that's fine but they better be able to explain WHY they believe. If they can't explain why, they don't understand. I want them to make informed decisions.

As you said, not being exposed to it doesn't allow them to make an informed decision. In the same vein, only exposing them to Christian beliefs doesn't allow them to make an informed decision about any other religion.

I really went out of my way to keep him from thinking it was a requirement to attend church or believe. It wasn't until he said he wanted to be baptized because he wanted the world to know his relationship, and that it was much like couples wear wedding rings, I knew he'd found his way in his world. I was greatly relieved! Having a child believe without knowing why is hollow. I hear ya!

The paranoia about the alleged "bigotry" toward the Catholic church would be best for its own thread and it's a discussion worth having if certain parties can keep from getting out of hand. I CERTAINLY have a few comments to make on that (and some things that really need to be said) but it's so far off topic here, I'll respectfully refrain.

This is a conversation I don't mind having on this thread or another. I can certainly be respectful of other viewpoints. I do think our country has a long and not-so-long-ago history of anti-Catholic sentiment. Look at JFK. It was monumental that he was elected to the highest office in the land as a Catholic and that occurred during the lifetime of many on this board. JFK's religion was considered a huge obstacle and he continually had to remind people, "I am not the Catholic candidate for president. I am the Democratic party's candidate for president who also happens to be a Catholic. I do not speak for my Church on public matters--and the Church does not speak for me."

Having said that, Mitt Romney was under the same type of scrutiny as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I think there is anti-Mormon sentiment, anti-Semitism, and anti-Muslim sentiment (running very high recently). There is racism, anti-LGBTQ laws are being passed, and women earn 79 cents for every dollar earned by a man. I don't think Catholics have a monopoly on the experience of intolerance. I think there is plenty of intolerance to go around. However, I do think that it does exist and may be the last acceptable prejudice often cloaked under the guise of being anti-cleric.