You mentioned a will, in my case, my folks set up a trust. I suggest you, your father and a licensed professional explore your options.

If what you want is to write checks, and manage his affairs, you need a general durable power of attorney. He can make it a springing power of attorney if he only wants to give you authority in the event of incapacity. Make sure it is durable so it lasts in case of incapacity, otherwise the grant of authority ends when he becomes incapacitated. He should also have an advanced directive (living will) and make you his healthcare proxy so you can make healthcare decisions for him.

A power of attorney will give you more general authority and can be a better choice (and much simpler) than adding your name to all accounts and the house.

The purpose of adding your name to accounts would be to pass the accounts outside probate, if you are a joint tenant with right of survivorship. You may or may not be able to avoid probate, depending upon the value of his estate.

Transferring assets either to you, or to an irrevocable trust, might be a good idea if you want to ensure he can qualify for Medicaid to cover nursing home care in case he needs it. Otherwise, he will have to spend down assets before qualifying for Medicaid cover.

Any transfers of assets must be done at least 5 years before he were to need nursing home care, because Medicaid has a 5-year lookback rule. If he transfers money or property to you and needs nursing care w/in 5 years, he'll be disqualified from Medicaid coverage for a period of time equal to the value of property transferred divided by the average monthly cost of nursing care in your area.

I was going to suggest what beagles has done. Depending on where you live another word for "durable" power of attorney is "enduring" power of attorney. It's important to not get just a power of attorney. As noted, it will expire if your father becomes mentally incapacitated through, for eg, a stroke or Alzheimers.

As has been mentioned here, seek the advise of an elder affairs attorney, one who is current on the elder laws. I am an "only" also, which simplifies many aspects of this process. My parents set everything up while they were healthy to save me the task of asking about their wishes. They had prepaid funerals too, and even chose their gravestone, and planned out their services.

DH and I have done much of this too, in order to spare our children from needing to have the discussion with us. My in-laws, OTOH, did nothing and now my MIL is in failing health and really should be moved out of her house, but the siblings are paralyzed about how to handle it. Being spread across the country does not help.

Try to open the discussion with your father around the issue of "what if you need assisted living care" at 8K/month (in MA-don't know where your father lives.) Being an "only" is so much easier, but it still involves a degree of advanced planning.

Yes, definitely see an an elder care attorney in the state in which he lives. I know that here, setting up a trust is the way to go to avoid probate which can be lengthy. There are some assets that should go into a trust and some that should not, and that advice is worth the cost.

We put our home and bank accounts into a trust with our son as the successor trustee (Sealavender is right that there are some assets you do not want to put into the trust). That way, he will inherit at the stepped up value and can sell immediately should he want to do so. I also had POA for both my parents. You probably do not want him to transfer the house to you now since you could end up with a tax liability when he dies, but do check with an attorney.

I can give a little insight as I am dealing with the aftermath of my grandmother's death and a sizeable estate. After my grandfather died, 10 years ago or more, my grandmother redid her will and named me as power of attorney, and executor of her estate when that time came. My sister had medical power of attorney which is very important. My grandfather had a living will but had not named a medical power of attorney and his wishes were not honored. My name has been on my grandparents accounts for years (before my grandfather passed away and my mom's name was on them too, before she passed away). Before my grandmother went to assisted living she needed help in writing her checks, paying bills, dealing with investments, etc. I did all that. We had a financial advisor and an attorney. After her death, because all assets other than her home were basically funds, I became owner of those accounts as I was the only survivor on a joint account. Not a problem as I of course would honor what she wanted (There are 4 other grandchildren). The only thing left in the will (besides a few personal bequests) was her home. She had named in the will who that went to. Because of how all this turned out, we were fortunate and did not have to go through probate. One thing a couple of years ago, our financial advisor advised me to sell her stocks rather than wait till after her death. I am thankful I did that because if not, we would be going through probate. I had sold the stocks, she had an annuity that cashed out (would not re-invest due to her age - she was 98) so all that was liquid funds within accounts that my name was on. Made things so much easier for me. Because of the will, I knew exactly how she wanted things divided. I won't say it's been easy to deal with, but I really have not had problems with handling the estate.

ETA: I agree with others on not putting the house in your name at this point. A discussion about assisted living is a good idea, but wow the $8k listed above - here we paid $25,000 or more a year for my grandmother's care, and I am in and area (the south) where cost of living is lower than many areas. My grandmother did not have a long-term care policy, but thanks to my grandfathers excellent manner of saving, multiple insurance policies, etc. she never had to worry - even to age 98.

Here, assisted living is more like 4K a month. It depends on the cost-of-living where you are. For a reality check, call some of the assisted living homes in your area and ask how much, and what is covered. A private apartment? A private room? A shared room?

Put your name on the checking/bank accounts. A power of attorney dies when the principle dies. If you need to use money in his checking account after he dies, the money may be tied up for a time. Also, some banks insist that you use their forms for power-of-attorney and may not accept the generic form drawn up by the attorney. (Been there.....)

I suggest sitting down with your Dad and just start talking. Take notes and stress what concerns you for the future.

Good luck. There have been some discussions on the CareGivers forum than might help you, too

My 85 year old mother is still very mentally competent -- maybe a bit more forgetful, but has a good handle on her finances. She is also blind (age related macular degeneration). She has a revocable trust funded with all her assets -- house, other real estate, minority interest in a few closely held companies, and investment accounts), along with a will. The revocable trust is to avoid probate. There are also durable powers of attorney, but she is clearly not yet incompetent, and there is no reason for thir use -- but we have them if/when we we ever need them. Also health care powers, but again, so far she is still competent to make her own decisions. However, her eyesight is such that she can't physically manage her finaces herself.

We've also done a few things that make things easier for her and for us. Either my brother or I are on each of her bank accounts, at least to the extent that we can sign checks for her. With regard to her investment accounts, she had her investment advisor issue duplicate copies to my DH (he doesn't have power to deal with the account, but he reports to her how she is doing). These consist of individual stocks (about 75%) and Munis Most of the holdings are stocks she purchased or told the advisor to puchase and she enjoys hearing how well her choices perform (she has done amazingly well with her choices and holds them long-term). He just went over them with her today. Her largest single stock holding is up 27% year to date. I go to her house every weekend, read her mail, pay her bills, make the charitable contributions as she directs. Belive me she is still competent -- she has five bank accounts -- two in a marital trust from Dad's death, a money market account, a checking account and an account into which her SS is deposited -- I read her the balance every month and she can recall it the next month (within reason). I also help her gather her tax information for the accountant, after the first year, we started simplifying and consolidating her accounts -- it helps.

Although she doesn't have a long term care policy, she'll be fine when she moves into a fairly expensive independent or assisted living in a couple of years. She might have to liquidate a few stocks after a few years and really doesn't want to do that simply because her basis is so low (yes, she understands the concept of stepped up basis if we inherit the stocks) and wants to preserve that. Both my brother and I have told her to worry -- we'd rather her be comfortable and happy while we still have her.

We've started the same process with our own DD to make things easier for her as we age and taking the same steps Mom has done.

There are several separate issues covered by the good advice given above. It is probably best to consider them separately.

Taking care of his finances and bills if he becomes unable to do so himself (durable power of attorney and/or name on checking account).

Taking care of health decisions if he becomes unable to make them himself. It is good to know his wishes in terms of resuscitation, etc. My brother had this talk with my father recently, along with finding out his wishes for what to do with his body (cremation, memorial service, etc).

Making the government red tape (probate) faster and easier when he dies.

Minimizing capital gains tax on the eventual sale of his house.

Mom had a revocable trust which was great in that I was able to manage her assets immediately upon her death, including selling her house and condo. However, there were a few things outside the trust, like her vehicles which I needed to have probated. Her lawyer failed to make a pour over will, where upon death, all her assets outside the trust would be added to the trust. That mistake ended up costing me a lot of money as then I had to probate the entire estate anyway.

But the security of a revocable trust is that the person continues to have complete control of their assets. Not that this is you, but I've heard of horror stories where parents have added children to their accounts only to be ripped off by them. A revocable trust will ensure this won't happen and yet allow for rapid passage of control of the assets upon their death.

But each state is different in terms of what they require, so you do need to get in touch with someone familiar with the laws in his state.

None of this is a fun conversation to have, but a very important one. Also make sure you know things like where he keeps the safe box key and to get your name on the box so you have access to it, if he has one.

I, too, had my name on Mom's accounts; at one point, she had a stroke and I had to write checks for her utilities while she was in the hospital. Electronic access is also something to consider, to check if your parent is making payments and or to set them up online yourself.

It's a difficult conversation to have with some parents, depending on their personalities. Some people, like me, are very practical and matter of fact, they like to manage things and have no trouble working on making arrangements so that their estate is handled smoothly after their death. But others, like my mom was, just don't want to deal with it. And in the end, in a lot of those cases it ends up being a huge problem for those left behind. So try and convince your dad to do it not just for his peace of mind, but for yours! I have seen too many cases of folks not wanting to spend the time on estate things when they were in good health, and then the added stress piling on when some type of health crisis occurs. I am determined not to let that happen to me! That's another way to approach your dad, tell him that now is the time to deal with all of these things, BEFORE he gets ill and is having to focus on that. That's how I convinced my parents to move proactively into a smaller place all on one level. Better to do it when they didn't need it than to try and pack and move after surgery or severe arthritis, etc. They never regretted that. I am in the same situation as you, it's just me and my dad, and it is unpleasant to have to nag him about estate things. But he has seen what happens when you don't sweat the details with my mom's estate, so he's more open to my help and suggestions, since he now knows what it is like to be left with an estate that has loose ends. Sometimes I find that if I make a suggestion he argues with me or rejects it, but then eventually comes around after he had a chance to think about it. So best to just plow in and get the conversation started! I'd suggest making a check list of proactive steps you can take. I'm in the process right now of being added to several of my dad's accounts. I try to take it one step at a time. Old folks can't handle a lot of new information bombarding them all at once. So I tell my dad to just focus on a few things at a time.

P.S. Adding a name to an account is very easy. Folks do it all the time, so the folks at his back should be very helpful in that regard. I have this so that if my dad has a stroke or something, then I can make sure the bills get paid, etc. right off the bat. It's not a problem for anyone to have your name on the account, and it will sure make life easier for everyone if the time comes when dad needs you to have access to that account.

P.P.S. As hard as it will be, you will be so happy that you did start these conversations, because then when you have to act, you will have these memories and will have the peace of mind of knowing what his wishes were. My mom pitched and absolute fit years and years ago when we discussed burial plans, she got very upset. But I managed to get her wishes out of her. As painful as it was for her to reveal her wishes, the peace of mind of knowing that they will be followed can make it all worthwhile.

We are very late coming to that party, my parents are straddling 90. My dad did give me his credit card with my name on it so I can shop for them. He really dislikes talking about financial matters with me (it is not my strong suit). I appreciate all the good advice here and will gear up for the conversation.

I am very practical and matter of fact as well and that's what makes it easy to have these conversations with my mom. I have no problems bringing up subjects that she may consider to be sensitive or none-of-my-business. And if that fails, I bring up those subjects when we're in the car and I'm driving her someplace. She's a captive audience.

One thing that worked better for me with MIL anyway, was to present her with choices and then she would make the correct one. But if I told her what I thought she should do, it failed every time. She wanted to maintain control and once I figured that out, it went a lot easier.

I had power of attorney for her for many years (she was blind) and one thing I found was when it came to paying bills, POA was no problem. When it came to anything to do with banking or investments, it was a huge rigamarole.

This is all very helpful, and I hope it will be helpful for some others as well. I do have a copy of his "health care instructions and advance directives" including living will and "designation of a conservator for future incapacity" so we do have one step completed. I don't recall if he ever did a POA, but if he did, I don't have a copy so I will ask him about that. He sometimes brings up these topics -- I'm the big baby who avoids the discussions. He has talked more with DH about some of his investments, and he gave me a list of accounts a while back -- but they might be outdated by now. Good questions about safe deposit box...no idea if he has one. I am quite sure there's no trust and as I said, not sure about POA. He does have a financial advisor who he meets with periodically, so maybe he has brought up some of these issues and they have been dealt with, but I need to ask. We rarely visit him at home -- his house is small and we are a family of five, so he visits us at our house. I will need to make a point of going to his house sometime this spring or summer and have him show me where things are -- he has shown me stuff in a desk/cabinet in the past and again, I have basically walked away because I just couldn't deal. Now that he's in his 80s, I sometimes think about what we'll have to deal with when he dies, and it's overwhelming, so I just want to try to simplify things if at all possible.

I do know what he wants in terms of funeral and burial. He has outlived two wives and they are buried side by side (I am quite sure my mom is not pleased about this) and he will be buried with them. I hope he doesn't remarry again because I don't think there's room there for a third wife!

"I found was when it came to paying bills, POA was no problem. When it
came to anything to do with banking or investments, it was a huge
rigamarole." Really? my grandmother's POA spelled out that I was able to make any financial decision, investment, etc. and I never had a bit of a problem - anywhere. I did finally get smart and scanned the POA as just about anyplace would request a copy of it. The bank, credit union and investment places kept it in their system and if anyone had a question, I was able to ask that they look it up. When I sold stock, I do recall there was some legal form I had to fill out and have notarized. I also had her lawyer look over the paperwork.

I so echo the thoughts on how relieved you will feel if you discuss all this ahead of time. It will be a comfort to you, when the time comes, knowing you have done what your father wanted.

There is much good advice here that I won't repeat. However, let me share lessons learned when my 60 year-old husband was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

These things may not apply to many of your parents, but these are things to consider for anyone using social media, online banking, online paying of bills. In other words, people using technology.

With the location of my husband's tumors (glioblastoma multiforme), the first thing to go was his ability to recognize words and numbers. He couldn't remember passwords and accounts.

You'll need the login/passwords/account information from your loved ones and put it in a safe place.

Exercising a POA (which he had and I was the appointed) for online-only accounts is very tricky. Customer service wanted to speak with my husband and ask him his security questions (and he couldn't remember the answers-- this upset him so much, it was emotionally difficult, too). So many customer service reps bounced me around on the phone for hours until I found someone who knew where I should send the POA.

Odds and ends, but important:

• My DH had LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and numerous online forum accounts. LinkedIn was the most difficult to close; My DH asked that nothing about his illness be on his FB account, so instead of converting to a memorial page, I closed it out. I closed out his Twitter after someone hacked his account and was using it. I did nothing for the forums since he didn't use his real name, nor have any financial/personal info linked on those accounts.
• Airline frequent flier accounts - total disaster -- trying to get American Airlines to transfer his accrued account mileage to me. To this day, it's still unresolved as they dropped the ball after each contact. In other words, I didn't inherit his miles and they wanted me to pay for transferring his miles, at rates that are much like "buying" miles.
• We had no debt (no mortgage, loans, etc.), and since I inherited everything, his will didn't go through probate. I signed a sworn document that if any debts under his name were unpaid, that I would be responsible for paying said debts.

A few words about Hospice, Long-term care, and health insurance coverage:

Three months before my DH passed, his neurological oncologist wrote a Hospice prescription.

She also said he couldn't be cared for safely at home (he couldn't turn over in bed, couldn't walk, etc.) and recommended he go into skilled nursing. She was concerned that I would be injured helping him and he needed 24x7 care to keep him safe. My grown son and his grown son wouldn't be able to help me due to their jobs and family obligations. Hospice would come into our home only 1-2 hours for 2x a week and that was insufficient.

• Health insurance would have paid 80% of his skilled nursing IF he had been there for rehabilitation care. Since he was there for Hospice, his BCBS insurance wouldn't cover any amount of the costs -- except the medications prescribed by Hospice.
• My husband was only 60 and not on Medicare-- which will not pay for inpatient Hospice (room and board) in a skilled nursing facility, except under special short-term consideration.
• His long-term care insurance policy paid less than 1/3 of the actual cost--which was $9600 a month. So I had to pay the balance out-of-pocket for his three months in a skilled nursing facility. He had no life insurance to use for this expense, because he thought life insurance wasn't needed since we had no debt.

tinam, I'm sorry, but you and I simply don't communicate well. I don't think it's ill intention on anyone's part, but just somehow we don't jibe.

You said you didn't have any problem and then went on to describe exactly the kind of rigamarole I had to go through when it came to investments. Some would even argue that the POA they had on file was in force at that time, but how did they know that she didn't revoke her POA since? I had none of that issue when I was paying her bills. They didn't care if I was ET from outer space, so long as they got their money.

And then the IRS...I got POA specifically from the IRS to sign MIL's tax forms as she couldn't see to sign the form. So then the IRS insisted that each year she sign a form verifying that I have POA to sign her tax form. I mean really...what's the point!

Many thanks for the above posts. Despite having navigated some of the systems I'm still learning.

We thought we had some breathing room with my Dad as all was going well in the past year. He turns 85 in May and has been living in a nearby new elderly housing apartment for the 2 yrs. since my mother died. At Christmas my sister and I marveled at how well he was doing.

Then he stumbled and suffered a fall in Feb. Cracked his dentures, but no broken bones...A week later he complained of pain in his midsection. We thought it might be a bruised rib. Turned out it wasn't related to the fall. It was acute pancreatitis that a scan showed was from a gallstone. He was hospitalized 2 days w/ strong pain meds in his IV. Decisions had to be made to go forward w/ GB surgery. Doc recommended more tests & time to let enzymes return to normal.

Then a CT scan showed 2 more things - a large mass in his colon between the small & large intestine AND what had been a small aneurism in his belly that they've been tracking since his heart surgery 11 yrs. ago has grown from 2.9 centimeters to 6 centimeters. These 2 issues require surgery and anesthesia that come with risks. He was feeling so good before these were uncovered that he just wanted to sweep them under the rug. While he doesn't suffer from dementia, his thinking is no longer sharp and he can't grasp the implications of ignoring the mass & aneurism.

He has a colonoscopy scheduled for Thursday and GB surgery next Monday. I am so grateful that we had many of the documents recommended in posts above put into place a couple years ago for him when we were dealing with my Mom's issues. At that time he sounded very much like the OP's father in terms of vigor and general health.

My point is that things can snowball when it comes to healthcare for elderly parents. When a crisis hits you want to be able to devote your time to their immediate needs and care instead of trying to process paperwork.

Difficult as those discussions are, I would urge anyone with older relatives they care for to build the ark before it starts to rain.

Totally what Amck says, "build the ark before it starts to rain."(Also sorry to hear about your dad's health difficulties!)

And Sue, just like what you say, my dad is learning that you have to just keep working on these things. For example, he has a trust, and our family lawyer is a trustee, but now he is retiring. He had a team at the bank he was working with who knew him and knew me, and they just had a big staff turnover, etc. So you have to keep working on these things. I keep a set of files on my parents estate, and I have a set of things I need to work on with dad. I don't try to get him to change everything all at once, just one step at a time. Also it is difficult for a dad, who wants to take car of and protect his "little girl" to realize that there is going to come a point in time when the roles may be reversed. As far as my dad is concerned, the universe will implode at that point!!

But like I said, he saw what happened to him when my mom didn't deal with things, so now that is making him aware that he needs to keep at it now while he still can. This is one thing that helps my dad keep going. To him, taking care of his estate is a bit like a job. BUT, I will say that it helps to have good people in place for him to work with. As we all know, there are plenty of vultures out there. You need to meet with and get to know dad's "team." And unfortunately the team can change from year to year as personnel change.

When you get your durable/enduring power of attorney some institutions such as banks will require a notarized copy, some will want to see the original although they won't keep it and some will even require that you present them in person. Just be aware.

And that talk that you are hesitant to have today?... if something happens tomorrow you will be kicking yourself. What's the saying.... Just Do It.

LPink, handling a well planned simple estate trust should not be difficult. Unless your father has a large. complicated estate or anticipates problems from heirs or business interests, do it yourself. The attorney or a bank is happy to handle the estate, and yes, they will change you for every phone call. They will not have your father's best interests at heart, they will not act in a timely manner, they will change a lot of money, and no one really cares about you. Plan the estate accordingly, and it will not be difficult to handle.

The complications are that he is an extremely difficult person to deal with because of mental illness. And yes, it is a large and complicated estate. So I know a lot about "worse case scenarios" when it comes to dealing with family member's personalities and estates. Dad is obsessed with his estate and uses it as leverage for attention almost constantly.

My sympathies! Maybe my words can help someone else.

Oh yes, you are totally correct on that money management stuff. I have been dealing with MANY banks in their trust and money management departments, and they are more than happy to "help" for very large fees. And also they want you to invest with their products, which may or may not be great investments. But my dad would rather trust banks than simply confide in me. And I don't care what he does with his money, I just want to know. But he says one thing one day and something else the next, and it is all a "problem" with him, no matter what, he goes from one hassle to the next. He is bound and determined to be in an adversarial relationship with me . . . and many others. Makes dealing with this very difficult. Trust is a very difficult issue in a lot of families, but mine very much so. But, ya just gotta do what you gotta do.

My mom was into avoidance, denial and supression/repression. As a result, 1/3 of her considerable estate may either end up having to be litigated or go into the state's unclaimed money fund. And it is because of what has been discussed, the difference between a simple bank account and an investment. Watch your investments and have back-up beneficiaries and back up plans!

My brother is following in mom's footsteps of avoidance and causing me no end of troubles! And all I am trying to see happen is for him to take responsibility for his inheritance. I'm sure mom would have never imagined that he would just ignore it and fight with anyone who tried to help him. He has trust issues, imagine that! He treats me as if I am greedy and out to get him and I frankly would love nothing more than to never had had to have ANYTHING to do with any of this. He moved far away and left all of this to me to deal with. He says I should just walk away from it like he did. But I can't do that with the money and things that came not only from our parents, but also our grandparents and in some cases, things from our great grandparents. I just can't flip them all off like that. I cared too much about them. But of course if you care about things, then they can be used as leverage for folks to unload a truck full of hurt on you. Oh, so that is one other bit of advice I can give, try and stay detached about these details! It can be done.

I helped an elderly cousin suffering with dementia and his even more elderly mother (my aunt). They were in a mess, just because of their ages and isolation with no one to help. When I figured out they needed someone, I offered, but insisted they see an attorney to update their wills, give me DPOA's, set up a special needs trust for my cousin, etc. because I did not want the hassle of straightening all that stuff out after they died. I worked in a law office, so had access to advice and info, but it was still a huge task trying to get it all sorted out.

And, even though we had all their ducks in a row, my experience was the same as Annie's. Some banks, but mostly investment companies, gave me grief about using the DPOA's. It was a supreme annoyance - I was almost homicidal a few times in the lobby of Washington Mutual - I'm sure my curse on them helped lead to their failure, lol. Luckily, they both could still sign their names and were able to sign the extra forms needed (my cousin was no longer actually competent, but they, nor the Notary were none the wiser). And I just ignored what the IRS required and signed his returns as POA. Never were we questioned about it.

So, also find out what forms any places where he has $ or investment needs and get those filled out, too.

You will be so glad to have been proactive and I can assure you, you'll wish you'd had the tough conversation, if you don't.

Tinam, I edited the cost of assisted living in MA. It was 8K/month, not per year (oh how Dad wished!)

It has occurred to me on numerous occasions that as we go through this with the older generation, we should take note and learn how to make it easier on the next generation by being sure that our own affairs are in order and that the next generation knows what they need to know to help us or deal with our estates when the time comes.

One note about Revokable Trusts -- it is amazing how many folks have them, but then don't fully fund them. Any land, investment accounts and titled property needs to be conveyed into the trust for it it accomplish its purpose -- that means deeding all real estate to the trust and appropriate conveyances for the rest.

Goodness Annie - no apology needed. I'm not taking offense and we don't need to be best buds. Yes, I signed an additional form for selling stock, but it was not a problem to sign a form and have it notarized. I don't remember what it was called, but I believe just verifying I was who I said I was. To me it was understandable for a large transaction. I signed her tax returns for several years and never had anything but the POA. I simply signed my name and POA. Never a question.

Bonnie! Wow! That is much higher! I know I'm in a lower cost of living area, but isn't it awful what some have to pay.

I've dealt with handling affairs for a dying friend who left us his estate, and we are in the midst of dealing with my MIL who has dementia. Just a few thoughts:

-Power of attorney, even 'durable' etc. is no longer a simple process or document that will easily open access to people's accounts and allow someone to handle financial issues. I suspect most of those who are insisting it's an easy and painless option haven't tried to use one recently :). As mentioned banks don't accept blanket POA docs any more; there have been some legal standards updates in the past few years and they now need to be fairly explicit and detailed as to what is covered and what's not.

-Be aware that, as has also been pointed out, with elderly folks life can and often does change in literally a moment. One fall, one illness that spirals into complications, one stroke, and everything that was fine yesterday is now a huge and enormously complicated mess. Or the decline can be a slow process in which the reasonable parent becomes the paranoid mess, utterly convinced that the kids are just trying to steal his/her money. And then there is the parent who is clearly sliding deep into dementia while adamantly insisting he/she is just fine and anyone who says different is simply wrong. For most of us pinning our hopes on the dream that mom or dad will live to be 100+ YO in their own home, competently managing all the activities of daily living until some far off day when s/he goes peacefully to sleep and doesn't wake up is probably not the wisest way to prepare for the future.

-Spend some bucks to hire a reputable estate planning attorney. This is one area of life, IMO, in which Google and DIY legal forms are not your friend. A good lawyer is well worth the expense to get things set up right. Elderly folks need to have all the docs mentioned: wills and living wills, medical proxies, power of attorney using *updated forms*, trust documents if appropriate, joint accounts if necessary and so on.

In my life, the friend who died left a will, but he was an odd bird who refused to set anything else up legally so probate was a royal mess. It took almost 2 years to get everything finalized and things that I would never have imagined being difficult were ridiculously hard: it took court orders for example to transfer titles for his car and motorcycles and that took months and months and months to complete.

My MIL had started showing signs of serious mental decline as I was working on the estate and I pushed my husband and BIL *hard* till they took her in to the same estate attorney and got everything done-trusts, medical permissions, bank account signatories. And sure enough, within 3 months after that she fell, broke several bones and the resulting physical injuries ratcheted the dementia to a level at which she could no longer live safely at home and had to go into assisted living. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been if things weren't in place legally. Then too, the lawyer insisted, as he is legally obligated to do, that my MIL answer and respond indicating she understood what was happening. She was foggy at the time and if we had waited even that few months, regardless of the fall there is no way she would have been legally competent to sign off on the arrangements.

Running, I used my POA until February 1, this year when my grandmother passed away. At that time, I become Executor of her Estate. I don't know if it is the state I am in perhaps, or what, but I honestly had no problems. I know our lawyer is excellent and the POA was very detailed. Why things were pretty smooth for me, I don't know, but I'm thankful they were.

Tina, as you say a detailed POA will work, but today a POA that basically says "X can do anything legal for Y" is no longer sufficient :).

I had to handle all of my father's affairs for a few years. He had Alzheimer's and ended up needing 24 hour supervision before he passed away. The monthly cost for 24 hour care in a group setting was ~$8000 here too. There were a few different options but they all ended up costing about the same. Fortunately he had the funds to pay for what ended up being excellent care....but as time wore on his funds were drawing down so I started looking into Medicaid. I was his POA and had one of the detailed forms and I never had any problem with the POA not being accepted. I worked as his POA with his bank, his pension, his annuity payment, some life insurance, and Social Services. Thankfully the form itself was a non-issue, because everything else about this situation was a giant pain in the rear.

Dh and I have no children and no immediate family left, so we've had to go through all the paperwork and the whole process for ourselves, to set things up as much as possible with financial people, accountants and doctors in advance as there is no obvious person for us to rely on. So if it seems difficult to discuss with a parent, try figuring out who among the paid strangers in your life, you are going to trust with your life. A very necessary but unusual process to say the least.