Hello my sisters:

This is my first time on a meno forum (only occurred to me today to seek one out!)

It's been maybe 9 or so months since my last period. (It's funny that I'd always marked off in the calendar when I had a period - so I'd know about when I could expect it the next month - but how do you go back and check how long it's been with NO period, and esp. when you no longer maintain a paper calendar? ;-)

Anyway, I'm pretty sure it's been 9 months or so...

Other than occasional night sweats (for which I take maca pills...not sure how much they help though..)...other than night sweats, I didn't seem to have any other symptoms.

I'd of course heard about women having 'mood swings' and always imagined that was when you become irrational, 'bitchy', then crying, etc. I'd had none of that.

But then about a month ago... I decided one day to take a late afternoon nap...maybe around 400p. When I awoke, it was dark out. As soon as I left my bedroom and went into the rest of my dark apartment with just the streetlights illuminating my apartment, I felt such a swift and intense depression. It was so bad it scared me, and in retrospect I think more than anything, it was because I didn't make the possible connection to menopause...I was really confused as to why I suddenly felt so completely and terribly depressed, and it was that which scared me more than anything. (When I think back to other times in my life I felt depressed, it was always after a particular life event, and so made sense, even IF not pleasant to go thorugh...)

In any case, this particular night I felt so awful that I called two different people to ask if they could spend the night with me. (I live alone.) However one was leaving town the next a.m. and the other was out at a dinner and didn't reply until the next day. I then called a third friend in another state and told her I felt 'weird' and we talked for an hour. I felt a teeny bit better, did a few things in my apt., and went to bed early.

For next 1.0-1.5 days I felt a bit more down than usual, but then was pretty much fine. During that time period something prompted me to search for meno symptoms, and that's when I saw 'depression', something that I never really considered could be part of 'mood swings'. I then read more about serotonin levels, and how sunlight has a big effect on it.

I am now 99% certain that what triggered my severe depression episode was fact that I awoke in the dark. (Normally I never wake up in the dark as I tend to sleep late in the morning.)

Knowing what I now know, I have a Light Therapy Box on order. I also know I must make a real effort to exercise REGULARLY (something I've been very bad at...normally I only do stretching but not much exercise or cardio work). I am also changing my sleep schedule so that I wake up earlier and go to bed earlier (thereby giving me more overall hours with natural light each day.) Otherwise I think I'm good. I get plenty of sleep and eat a healthy diet.

However, again now that I understand depression can also be a part of menopause symptoms, when I think back over the past year or so, I also realize that I haven't totally been my usual self. I've always been a pretty upbeat, happy, positive person. Have plenty of great friends but still spend a lot of time alone. As mentioned, I live alone in my apartment and like many people,, I just come home after work and am alone. For the most part however, this has NEVER been a problem for me (I've been single my entire life, and have longs periods of time where I'm not in a romantic relationship with anyone, but yet usually never felt lonely). I don't mind spending time alone and like it for the most part, in between getting together with friends now and then.

But more and more, I notice I am feeling lonely, and when I think about it, it DOES also seem to be more at night. I also notice I am having more thoughts about growing older, and being alone, and whether I may need to figure out a plan so I can be more around others in my actual living environment (I..e, co-housing, moving back home to be closer to family, or investigating middle-age/senior housing developments). But... I'm just 53. Very healthy and active. No reason to think I won't be healthy for some time to come. So I have to wonder if these feelings of loneliness and worrying (perhaps excessively?) about being alone and older are being created or exacerbated by the menopause as well?

I also notice that sometimes I'm just not 'doing' anything. I'm sitting at home or sitting at my desk at work and wondering why I'm not actually accomplishing anything...I just seem to have brain freeze or brain laziness.

Any thoughts on these different things I mention?

Thank you all!! So nice to have a group like this to help each other...