My husband and I would just go together and wouldn't give it another thought. I see people bringing dates to weddings, certainly the invite didn't say "so and so and a date" now would it? I know all marriages are different, but in my marriage, we wouldn't even think of going without one another unless someone was having to work that day.

"I see people bringing dates to weddings, certainly the invite didn't say "so and so and a date" now would it?"

Yes. The invitation would have. The outer envelope might have been addressed to "Mr. John Doe" and the inside envelope would have "John and Guest" on it. Anne (the OP) said that in this particular case, there was no inside envelope -- just the invitation card itself and an RSVP card. So, the envelope would/should have been addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe." Or, at the very least, to "Mr. John Doe and Guest."

Devil's advocate here, but what if the invite was written by a 'helper' who only copied exactly what was written when the bride-to-be/groom only wrote the husband's name and assumed that the 'helper' knew that Joe had a partner and would therefore would have addressed the envelope/RSVP with both names? Perhaps, unfortunately, the 'helper' didn't know this.

Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine giving a list to a "helper" that doesn't have the full info on it. Why write "John Doe" instead of "M/M John Doe" or "John Doe and Guest"??? Why would anyone assume that a "helper" would know details about all of the folks being invited???

Ok Lindsey_CA......just go ahead and crucify the bride/groom.....it's almost Easter .....isn't that the time for crucifixcations??????

Anne, you could call your sisters-in-law - your husband's brothers' wives - and ask them how their invitations were worded. I would not leave this up to your husband. Some men are inept at handling issues like this.

It's often helpful to read all the previous comments before posting one. Might be surprised by some pertinent info. ;)

I didn't read all the responses so I don't know what answers you have gotten....but know without a doubt my husband would not go without me.

and I'm sure they would hear why.

I'd be hurt too.....Hugs

justlinda wrote: "Ok Lindsey_CA......just go ahead and crucify the bride/groom.....it's almost Easter .....isn't that the time for crucifixcations??????"

A bit touchy, aren't you? Did YOU send out invitations to your wedding that left off the significant other of the invitee?

Having bad manners and/or good manners is not limited by the time of year or approaching holidays.

As I said before, I cannot imagine giving a list to a helper that doesn't have the full info on it. After all, especially if the bride and groom are concerned about the total number of guests/meals to be ordered and paid for, they will have made their list as complete as possible so they would have a total head count that would be as close as possible to being accurate. Therefore, the list would likely says something like the following:

M/M Jim Brown

Ms. Jackie Smith +guest

Mr. John Doe +1

Mr. Jack Sprat

Ms. Susie Q

That's a total of eight.

I keep coming back to this thread because I am so upset for Anne. I went back to the top to her opening post. When she pointed out to her husband that it didn't look like she invited, all he could say is, "that sucks." This speaks volumes.

I think that there is more to this that Anne can't share. But, I do want her to know that we care about her feelings.

It's often helpful to read all the previous comments before posting one. Might be surprised by some pertinent info. ;)

This appeared directly below my comment about checking with the sister-in-laws. Was it directed at me? I had gone back and ready all of Anne's responses prior to posting. Her last and somewhat cryptic comment was, "I don't have all the details right now. Just a text."

I don't know if the OP (Anne) is still following this thread. She made some short comments that seemed to indicate she found out she was excluded intentionally.

"the groom is aware. I have told him to go but this is hurtful. "

"Helper error" and improper etiquette were mentioned in many earlier comments as possible explanations for the way the invitation was addressed. Neither seem to be the case given what little the OP has subsequently shared.

And you don't know that she isn't following this thread. ;)

If you were intentionally excluded (what is the reason?), hubs is an ass if he attends. Just my two bit's worth. I would never allow someone to exclude my spouse from an event and pretend everything is kosher. I certainly wouldn't be socializing with the couple any longer, either.

I really feel that we aren't getting all the details, which is frustrating.

Hey, there's justlinda with her typical snarky remark. Very rarely contributes anything constructive or nice. Must be an unhappy person. Too bad.

I have read every word of this and still have very little idea of who, what, or why. I think of the good old standby "Much ado about nothing." To me, none of the reasons why or how the situation came to be are valid; they are just someone's opinion. I try to depend on and make decisions using common sense and logic. Anne is, in her own words: extremely close with his siblings and parents, meaning her DH's. Surely a talk with his mother and/or female siblings, where Anne would simply ask if they know that she was not included in the invitation, and if so, do they know why, then take their advice as to how to handle it. This is a situation for females to handle.

I have read each of the responses and have not seen it suggested that they both attend the ceremony and then skip the reception. The couple will (hopefully) see Anne and her spouse in attendance to witness the wedding and Anne will avoid the future situations that yayagal thoughtfully suggested may occur. Of course, this assumes that there is a ceremony separate from the reception. Could this be a compromise? I will add that my husband would not go to an event to which I was not invited. There are occasional times (i.e. his very boring class reunions!) that he goes without me as I chose not to go. Obviously a totally different situation tho.

llucy

Hypothetically speaking...if 'a friend' invited me to their wedding and excluded my spouse, beyond the obvious social inappropriateness of such an invitation, I'd figure the couple didn't consider me that good of a friend. So why go?

*******

When I go to a wedding, I consider myself a witness to the union, a supporter and tacitly say that I will do whatever I can for that couple to uphold their union. What this "friend" did in not inviting the OP is basically say that he doesn't recognize DH's sacred union.

I will lay odds that this marriage will not last. They haven't a clue.

I was also going to suggest the Anne's DH respond that he and his wife will attend the wedding, but he will not attend the reception.

Especially when people ask, "Where's Anne?" What would he reply?

*******

Very awkward! "Um, she wasn't invited, so I left her at home".

Okay......

If she wasn't invited, I don't see the point in "crashing" the wedding, but avoiding the reception.

"That'll teach 'em!" ??

I don't know why anyone would want to attend a wedding alone, when other couples are there. I know for a fact hubby would not even think of attending, if I wasn't invited. I also don't know anyone who would only invite 1/2 of a couple.

The OP mentioned that she is very close to the in-laws. I'd be calling one of the sisters and see if they are invited. If they are, that says it all.

A couple things come to my mind as I re-read Anne's original post. I would like to know the approximate ages of Joe and Mary and if MARY has ever been married before. You say Joe has, but you don't mention Mary's status. If she has never been married, then it would be possible (in my mind) that she doesn't know proper etiquette. I say this, because MOST invitations we receive for weddings include an inner envelope with the intended guest's name such as Mr. and Mrs. X, or Mr. X and guest. The other thing that comes to my mind is Anne's husbands response of "that sucks". Speaks volumes as to his character, IMO. Since this seems to be a wedding in which a large volume of people from Anne's extended family are invited, the exclusion is quite hurtful if intended and I would be loathe to spend any time with Joe and Mary in the future. The DH needs to step up to the plate and clarify the situation, one way or another.

"the groom is aware. I have told him to go regardless but this is hurtful." This was from last Thursday.

The groom knows that Anne was excluded. This is interesting too in that how many men are actually so tied in to the guest list? It was obviously discussed upfront and he was aware of the exclusion.

I am assuming Anne no longer wants to participate in this thread. She probably now knows why she was excluded and it's too upsetting to discuss with us.

I think we all keep coming back here because we really feel for Anne and her situation. I am also so angry at her DH, it makes my blood boil. I am concerned about why Anne would even open the door for her DH to go alone.

When Anne's DH said simply, "that sucks" instead of "What?' or "Are you Sure?" or "That can't be right." "Let's get to the bottom of this." To me, this means that Anne's Dh was possibly clued in to the possibility of Anne being excluded.

I don't take Anne's husbands "that sucks" as a negative reflection of him. Not knowing him, I attributing it to his realization that he now had a sticky situation to deal with with his friends. He didn't want to hurt his wife, but also had to figure out a way to navigate the question of who the friends intended to invite without making it awkward. In his situation, I'd think "that sucks" too. ;)

Some things are just hard to understand. Years ago my son had a best friend he had known all his life and who happens to be very entitled by his wealthy parents. He and his fiancee asked my son and his wife to be in their bridal party at a time when my son was out of work and had two children. My son explained that they they would love to be in the wedding but, due to his situation, they would have to back as they couldn't manage the outfits,shower etc. The friends said okay and never spoke to them again. Go figure

@ellendl6161

I very much agree with you. I also find I keep coming back to this thread hoping Anne has returned with an explanation of how this unfortunate situation has been rectified in a positive way.

Thank you for so many responses.

Previously there had just been a text from friend saying he was "aware of the invitation situation.

Husband spoke to his brothers and their wives were not on the address labels either so they decided they would wait until they saw him last night. As someone above said it seems that whoever did the labels made a mistake. I am assuming that is the truth because in particular even if me and the other SIL were not included she would be as she and the bride are pretty close.

I can appreciate those that said their husband would never go without them. My opinion differs because this is a long time family friend and he has been a great friend to my husband. I was a bit hurt and know it is an etiquette gaff in most peoples minds but this group of friends have been friends for 30 years or some more. I respect my husband and he me. I also respect the relationships long before we knew each other.

As for the poster who insinuated I am clueless and they clearly don't like me that just isn't true. And for those who said they'd end the friendship I just don't agree.

All is well that ends well....now, what kind of gift do you give to two people who don't need anything!!!

So you and the other wives ARE invited, but just weren't included by name on the invite?

(I hope that's the case!)

Happy that ends well.

As for a gift, how about a gift card to a restaurant?

Very happy to hear this was a mistake after all. :-)

Well, glad to see it all worked out Ann!! As for a gift idea? I'd head over to Etsy and see about maybe having a sketch of the couple done from a picture you have and then framing it. There are lots of artists there who do that and some of the outcomes are really wonderful!

That sounds about right, they probably had a service paid to do the invitation. I don't think most people do stuff like this as they are too busy working.

Thank goodness!!!!

Just to dig it in a little more, printed address labels for wedding invitations? What has the world come to?

To Lindsey_CA statement......."As I said before, I cannot imagine giving a list to a helper that doesn't have the full info on it."

Ummmm.......ya, like I said.......LOL

Looks like justlinda has it out for Lindsey_CA. I notice you constantly refer to comments she posts. Don't you ever have anything nice to say?

Well, gee. I don't have any trouble coming up with a gift selection - an Emily Post book on etiquette. Can you still get them, I wonder? I have one. It's amazing how useful it is.

Anne, good to hear the issue was resolved, I felt so bad for you. Interesting how none of your SIL's were on the invites either. I can understand the mistake of maybe addressing one wrong, but to have done it to all the brothers clearly shows someone needs to read a book on etiquette.

littlebug, good gift idea :)

My, what a merry chase this thread has been! This could and should have been settled by Anne's husband within an hour of receiving the exclusive invitation.

I can just hear Maggie Smith in her role as dowager at Downton Abbey, "Did I misunderstand you, my dear? You received an invitation to a wedding in a single envelope with a printed label? I presume this will take place on a 'weekend'?"

It sounds to me like someone checked off the names they wanted in Outlook or a similar contact manager and paid no attention at all to how the names were said or if there would be a question as to whether it meant plus spouses, plus children, etc. Not so much lacking in etiquette as utterly clueless about how to make a guest list in the first place.

Anne, good for you for sticking with the notion that these are good friends even when feelings were being hurt. There are a heck of a lot of clueless people in the world and it would be a lonely place if we dumped all of them just for one thoughtless gaff.

As to gifts, thinking along the lines of Littlebug's joke, how about a home organizer kit? If they're combining two households, plus wedding gifts, they probably have a lot of stuff, some of it valuable. A home organizer kit, with one of those engraving pens for marking electronics, ledgers (spreadsheets) for insureables, pouches for receipts, a binder for insurance policies, bank documents, trust papers, etc., a file box for instruction manuals, plus things like note paper to write the stories of heirlooms on, colorful stickers, maybe even a garage sale kit, could also help them learn to be organized. :)

Or you can get them something as random as the invitation. Go to a china shop or department store with a good return policy for bridal and get the most interesting looking random thing in your price range. Maybe a glass and silver pickle jar or a strange art glass vase.

Well, it's clear that I have more class and intelligence than justlinda, because if I were to give a list of invitees to a helper to address the envelopes, I'd make sure the list were full and complete. Especially if the "helper" were a service hired for the purpose. They wouldn't have any way of knowing who is married, who is not, and who is in a committed relationship. Of course, there is always the likely possibility that justlinda doesn't have any friends to invite to such an occasion.

Maybe it's time to let it go. Ann has already provided a positive out come to the scenario and has moved on to needing suggestions for a a gift for folks who have it all. Any creative idea's to offer?

I'm so happy that it was a mistake!

For the couple who already have everything, I recommend "consumables". Maybe a three month membership to a wine club, Omaha Steaks, Harry and David...along those lines. I hope you have a great time. : )

Oh, "Zingerman's" has great food gift baskets, too! www.zingermans.com

Food baskets are not always good presents. Send it before the wedding when they are busy, maybe going out with out-of-town guests, and the basket won't be useful and will go to waste. Send it at the wedding and if they take a honeymoon, it goes to waste. I've wasted or given away most food gifts I've even gotten, due to poor timing.

I was thinking more along the lines of monthly gifts, arriving for three months in a row. Not something to be given at the time of the wedding. Perhaps a notification that they will be receiving steaks, wine or food for three months, courtesy of Anne and hubs. They're fantastic gifts!

Zingerman's, and the other places like Omaha Steaks, California Wines, all have several "monthly" clubs.

What kind of gift to give to 2 people who have everything? If it is a 2nd marriage especially, I like to give them something with the new monogram. It might be bar supplies, linens, or whatever.

I am so glad to read this update, much ado about nothing is great in this case. :)