That may be so Alisande, and I am sincerely sorry for your dreadful loss. When my husband died, I answered even every mass card, hoping at the same time that no more letters/cards would arrive since it can be overwhelming. Perhaps I take my letter-writing too seriously as I feel I put my heart into them knowing well how the recipient feels.

What are your feelings about avoiding writing sympathy notes entirely? Would that seem an unkind thing to do?

Blessings. Pink

I've never heard of being thanked for a sympathy card/letter/note. I have gotten thanks for flowers or donations sent after someone has passed though.

The more modern sentiment seems to be trending towards not even writing thank you notes after an event because people don't want to burden the person suffering. I heard that a lot when people would say, "Please tell ______ (my boss) not to write a thank you note" when they sent flower or food or whatever when his father died, but it wasn't the first time I'd heard it. It's far more prevalent these days.

ETA: I was posting this exactly when you said that casey, but it's in no way a reflection of what you wrote.

I'd prefer the person I wrote the card to not to reply. I don't wish to create a burden.

It's getting kind of ridiculous to be polite. I had to send two emails to school today to take care of a couple of the things. The lady was fast, competent, and courteous. I sent her an email to thank her for help even though I had said "thank you" in the previous emails. So then I get the "You're Welcome!" email. I felt obligated to send the "thank you" email, but it becomes more of a chore for the other person.

What are your feelings about avoiding writing sympathy notes entirely? Would that seem an unkind thing to do?

Pink, I suppose that would depend on how close you are to the deceased and survivors. If the person is a casual acquaintance it's unlikely anyone will notice that you didn't write, so it couldn't be considered unkind. On the other hand, there are circumstances where the lack of an expression of sympathy could be glaring.

I write notes if the person was a friend, or a favorite acquaintance--preferably with a happy memory to share. Twice in recent months--once to a good friend and once to the daughter of an old friend--I enclosed a copy of my blog post Advice to the Grieving.

I'm very sorry about your daughter's death, alisande.

On this topic, it may be that letters of sympathy are becoming less common. Or maybe it's a personal thing. I remember when my mother died, there were two types of sentiments I appreciated most - brief comments spoken in person and the little cards that said "Thinking of You" or "My/Our Condolences", with or without a short note added.

I wasn't sure why people thought that telling me (in person or in writing) their own recollections, emotions or difficulties in dealing with the death would be of any value to me. I politely cut short such long conversations and didn't read any of the long letters.

I consider writing a condolence note to be the civilized thing to do. I 'd much prefer to receive a thoughtful note than a "thinking of you" card, but I appreciated any kind gesture when there was a death in my family.

Although I have written many condolence notes, I never expected a thank you note back. Once, I did receive a note back and I felt badly that she had been troubled to do so.

Now, I think if flowers are sent, or a mass is set up or a contribution made, a formal thank you is in order, but unlike my thoughts about my ill mannered nieces and nephew, I would never think badly of someone who is grieving for not being able to do that.

I'm not etiquette expert - those are just my thoughts and practices.

If I have known the deceased, I send a card with a few sentences about my good memories of the person. I omit writing a note only if I did not know the person or the family well.

I have felt comforted by personal notes -- on cards or not -- from people who spoke to how they too would miss the deceased.

I have sent, and received sympathy or condolence cards on several occasions, I've never seen or heard of a thank you reply, I think if I received one I would feel uncomfortably awkward.

To me, written thanks are reserved for gifts, experiences (thanks for dinner, the ball game, hosting a shower, etc), opportunities (thank you for the interview).

The general idea being thank you for something that is positive. This isn't something I've ever seen written anywhere or been taught, it's just my view on it.

I think the manners for this vary. In my milieu, thank-you notes are sent to people who come to the funeral, who give flowers or food, who write cards, etc. And it is a burdon. I think, theoretically, it's supposed to provide the mourner with occupation and enhance connection, but for people who aren't in the habit of writing, I think it could be onerous.

Pink, I think this could be an opportunity for you to make further contact. Once the fuss of the mourning period has died down, the bereaved are often very lonely. Perhaps, if you live close enough, you could invite the recipient of your letter out for lunch, or an outing to a beautiful park, or something like that. Not festive, but life-affirming. If you're too far, try just a chatty phone call. You may well hear the acknowledgement you're looking for, while bringing some contact to the mourner who likely needs it.

I wasn't sure why people thought that telling me (in person or in
writing) their own recollections, emotions or difficulties in dealing
with the death would be of any value to me. I politely cut short such
long conversations and didn't read any of the long letters.

If you really wanted to know why? It's because they can provide a view of the person you might not otherwise have seen. It's a way to thank the person for having given to them, and it gets passed on to you since they're not there to hear it. It's for the person who is sharing. For their personal closure. Be open to this sort of thing snidely? They merely want to share the love they have.

I have only received thanks you when I have signed in during a wake visitation. I would not expect one for sending a card. And honestly, I don't think the thank you is necessary after a wake, but this is the tradition.

I understand where Snidely is coming from. Everyone grieves differently. If you don't know the person well enough, it's hard to know sometimes what will comfort them.

I agree that I probably wouldn't want to hear their personal story of how they are grieving while I am going through the process myself . But, maybe someone else would welcome it.

I read some really good advice the other day relating to what Snidely and ellendi are saying. I'm going to simply copy and paste that person's words.

draw the event / person who is suffering. If X is dead, put X in the middle. Then draw a circle around them: that's their immediate family, their life partner, the people who are suffering the most. Then draw a circle around them: that's their closest friends. Then draw a circle around them: coworkers, etc. Find your place on the chart. Always support inwards, and dump out.

Is that explanation clear? For example, my cousin died. So her mom, dad, sister, SO are in the middle. Then her closest friends are next. I'm extended family and I didn't know my cousin well, so I'm in an outer circle. And further out are her coworkers. I've never once expressed my story of grief to the inner circle. Instead I support the inner circle. Then I speak to my SO or my friend, or someone unrelated for support. Support in, dump out.

I like that model of thinking about it, TG, it's very clear. My lack of eloquence let me down yet again.

The memories I was trying to convey and didn't was how many incredibly lame comments I got from people who I think were trying to be supportive but who really were coming out of left field. Many of whom I didn't know or didn't know well. It was annoying. If they felt the obligation as some above do to say or write something, I would have liked it better if they had done nothing.

"I don't know if you knew it, but your mother had a great sense of humor".

- Oh. As if it were possible that even though I knew her all my life, that was something I didn't know?

"She knew the end was coming in the last month and was hoping it would come soon."

-Yeah? Well I was with her during much of that time, I never saw you.

"I really don't know how I can deal with her passing"

-Great, thanks for the encouragement. Sounds like I'm handling it better than you are.

et cetera.

Sympathy notes and cards do not need to be followed-up with a thank you note. It is thoughtful to tell the person (when you see them next) that you appreciated their kindness.

I can't recall ever hearing of a thank-you card being sent for a sympathy card. I'm sure Hallmark and the Post Office would think it mandatory! :) When a person dies, there's usually a lot of things going on and a lot of time required for dealing with the estate, cleaning out the house/apartment, disposing of belongings, court filings/appearances, etc and to me it would be adding an unnecessary burden to the family and friends to expect a formal written note for something like a sympathy card. I certainly wouldn't want to put people through that at a time like this. If the communication is required, it would seem that the sympathy card would be better if sent months or even years later when there is more time to give a required response. I'd question my own manners to subject people to that. Granted, I'm not as hung up on formality and such as are many people. I'd rather simplify their lives at such a point rather than complicate it. That's why often, instead of sending flowers or something, I prefer to offer time to watch the house during funeral and such, setup/prepare food, help them clean out the place, deliver things that need to be distributed, etc, and just be available if needed for a shoulder or company.

For both Sympathy & Thank You cards, I let my own feelings decide. I don't send out of obligation or a need to impress. I let my heart rule. I may mourn the loss of someone very deeply on my own level yet not feel the need to reach out to survivors that I don't know. And other times I can't do enough for the survivors. My response with Thank You notes would cone from the same place.

I am 55 years old. I have never received a thank you, card or not, for writing a letter of condolence. And, it would never occur to me to send one, or otherwise extend one.

My DS had two 'best friends' from early grammar school on. Coins were flipped to determine who would be 'best man' at each one's wedding. One of these 'boys' died suddenly in late summer two years ago, leaving a widow and two children under 10. When I wrote to his parents, who live some distance from us, I spoke of the close connection and of the major (positive) role they and their son held in our lives. I also sent a card that Thanksgiving and at Christmas. (We don't 'do' cards in general.) Our DS traveled to their home in advance of the funeral and has kept in touch.

I had never met this young man's wife, nor his children. To them, I sent a card with just a few lines of sympathy. We asked to be notified when a fund was set up for the family, expecting to contribute generously. Eventually, his parents responded that they'd unexpectedly discovered that their son had a large insurance policy -- no help needed beyond our continuing friendship. They were great parents, and he was a fine person.

I would only go this far towards someone I had known and liked very well for some time.

I do not write letters or send cards to expect any reply. I do it out of the goodness of my heart. In fact, I personally feel thank you notes are not necessary for any act of kindness for a funeral. The person is grieving enough without having the pressure to sit down and write thank you notes...been there way too many times and it is a chore that I could have done without doing. When I send a memorial or send flowers, I put "please do not send a thank you note...it was my pleasure".

Well, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, particularly since I agree with most of you, but I just checked Emily Post for the heck of it and a Thank you is in order even for a simple note. I think for flowers, or a memorial donation or a food dish for the family, yes but for a simple note, it wouldn't have occurred to me. Yes, I would thank the person for their note when I saw them, but I don't think it would have occurred to me to write a note.

I agree with you Georgysmom. I expect nothing of a grieving person though I do feel happy if I am asked by that person to join them for lunch or to come to visit. It's my nature to not bother anyone. The Jewish people do it very well when they Sit Shiva ( hope I have spelled this correctly) at the home of the mourning family for any of 7 days and you do have time to hear or talk about the death and struggles during that time. Follow-up is the signature of a true friend. Lots of widows and widowers get left out after the death and they don't know how to carry on as a suddenly single person. Helping them is a great gift if you mean it.

If a mourner meets one face to face who expresses concern and sympathy, one would surely automatically reciprocate with thankful acknowledgement. In the makeup of many, a note deserves the same response.

A real surprise to learn of the number who have never heard of sending a condolence letter (or receiving one), but perhaps it's my generation that has been reared in this manner.

Having suffered many losses, I have always acknowledged any sign of sympathy that one has cared enough to make the effort to express. As a personal choice, I shall continue to write letters of sympathy particularly when I, too, feel the loss and care enough to perhaps share better memories. Certainly I would never ever write feeling an obligation or a need to impress.

My conclusion: To each his own.

I thought the issue was not in writing a note, but in expecting a thank you for your note. I suspect everyone agrees that writing a note, even sending a pre-printed card (and forget being judgmental about the superiority of one over the other) is wonderful, and a good thing to do. But I'll disagree with Emily Post here and look at a source that states that TY notes are not required for sympathy notes/cards but rather only for other gestures above the note/card.

I agree with sushipup- I don't think anyone said they had never sent or received a condolence note or card.

I've sent and received many, I've never heard of sending a thank you note in reply to a sympathy/condolence note.

Pink, I always do the same as you, I answer every condolence card or mass card to acknowledge to the person that I appreciate their support.

A member in one branch of our family volunteered to acknowledge every letter, card, flower, dish received when an elder relative passed. I thought it was brilliant. Nobody was overlooked and immediate family was left to mourn relieved from social burdens. As to thank you notes, I don't acknowledge them, else it could be endless fake propriety--a thank you note for the thank you note, then a thank you note for the thank you note, ad nauseum. kinda like the Woody Allen scene, thank you, no thank you, no thank YOU.

We were speaking originally of thank-you notes for sympathy letters. But, in many minds, to compare sitting down and caring enough to struggle to find kind words and express one's feelings adequately is far above purchasing a printed card with the words of someone else and dropping it in the mail. What one feels is tacky, by judgment or by choice, another feels is acceptable. As usual, on these forums, the information is diverse, but always interesting. Thanks to all who offered their opinion.