"Talks all the time and says nothing". I love it, you may just have to be a little rude by not returning calls, or declining coffee dates or whatever until he gets the pic. If he wasn't so clingy before your mutual friend passed, his motives may be innocent but your instincts are talking to you so....

Trust your gut.

If he knocks on your door tell him your boy friend is
sleeping and it’s a good thing because he’s the jealous kind.

I don't disagree with Snidely about being direct, which often works better than lying, but there is also the issue of being a woman and not wanting to provoke a man. It's important to protect yourself as well, and sometimes that requires subtlety. I agree with Terilyn. Trust your gut. Seemingly normal guys, when they turn creepy, sometimes get worse than creepy over very little. "I'm mourning My Dear Friend and seeing or speaking to you just makes me miss her more," might work. Especially if you start crying and let your nose run. :)

No, I think, Snidely is right. But prolly best in a public place!

The death of someone close is a needy time for many. One uninvited hug might be OK. More than that, I agree with Snidely, be polite honest and direct. Not only does it get you out of an uncomfortable situation, but he can redirect his efforts and perhaps find someone more in tune with the way he is.

My red flags are going up. Does he live near you? "I'm flattered by your invitation but, honestly, I don't think I'm interested in doing something like that with you." No, no. He will only hear "I'm flattered" or maybe suggest something else. Don't leave any room for argument.

Could it simply be that the man is grieving and the hug was from his heart because he knows that you shared his affection for his late girlfriend? Could it be that he's just saying that, in his grief, it'd be nice to chat with you every now and then? You know him and I don't, so you'd understand his intentions more than I. But it could be very innocent and from the heart rather than "creepy".

Whatever the intentions, it's how Phoogie feels that is important. We always feel we need to give extra information to be polite.

If you have a landline, you can certainly screen your calls, but if you are face to face you need to be prepared to address the situation. In your mind, have the virtual discussion.

Maybe we can role play here. But, I agree to with Wantor, to be direct, yet polite but leave no room for misunderstanding.

The OP statement that guy "talks all the time..." Suggests to me that he's not the listening type, which is why I suggested a little rudeness--to jolt him into attention. SW suggestion to say "you were ____ friend not mine" is something I would consider rude but effective to set a boundary. Pillogs suggestion that "seeing him reminds her of ___ and makes her sad" is not rude and would be equally effective at setting that boundary, so better advice . Hopefully he'll just fade away as he heals from the loss.

No advice because you have received some great responses already. It just annoys me that you have to deal with this on top of losing your friend.

I kinda like partst post. That may do the trick.

I agree-trust your gut. Many of us women know that feeling.

If and when he shows up and wants to come into your home and visit, or calls and asks you out, just say, "I'm sorry, that's not possible".

You owe him no explanation. If he asks why, just repeat. And repeat.

No. It's not possible. I'm sorry. Click and hang up, or close door.

Someone once told me that men get over loss by attaching with another woman. I've seen that happen that happen several times. I think Phoggie is feeling the effects of that. I'd still be as kind as possible to get the message across.

Maybe he's clinging to you because you are a connection with his "girlfriend." But maybe not.

I agree with bossy: he's not a listener. I find that with people who do not pick up on social clues or cues, you have to just say what's on your mind. Neutral tone of voice, blunt but not rude words.

Many men find it impossible to live alone and attach to another woman quickly. The older they get, the more they want a woman to take care of them.

I hope the OP can stop this man from trying to cling to her. He seems oblivious and lacking in social awareness.

The fact that he just lost his "girl friend" and at the cemetery he's coming on to you is REALLY creepy! Just tell him you have a lot of lady friends and aren't interested in having a male in your life. You're just too busy for that.

Regardless of how "needy" he is, or maybe because of it (you're a solution to his problem???), there's no way any guy achieves the age of maybe 15 without knowing the difference between a companionable hug & one that "lasts too long"; if nothing else, he knows by your own body language (coolness, not hugging back, stiffness/rigidity, etc).

& making passes at someone at a funeral/memorial service/graveside ceremony is brazen & insulting.

Keep your distance, stepping back quickly, putting your hands in front of yourself, whatever it takes.

Do not let him get his hands on you.

"You're standing too close."

"You're making me uncomfortable."

"Please do not touch me."

"Back up."

"Get away."

"Get your bloody hands off me, you creepy disrespectful jerk."

Those statements would def. set limits, lol

Sounds like he could have been trying to comfort phoggie, just going by the remarks. Since he is not pleasant to be around, be firm in your refusal to spend time with him, but I'll bet he doesn't pester you. He has his own grieving to do.

or not, rhizo.

"I don't disagree with Snidely about being direct, which often works better than lying"

plog, glad we have some common ground, but it isn't entirely with this comment. You find lying is a good alternative in some circumstances? That's too bad.

He must not be grieving too much to put a hit on you. Wonder if he's just a gigolo looking for someone else to pad his savings account.

Sometimes I wish we had a place for sub-comments because some of ya'lls comments are making me laugh.

"Sorry, I have no interest in spending time with a man who gets over his grief in 2 days." And walk away.

It sounds to me like he's looking for someone to warm his bed, clean his house and cook his meals. I know some men can't seem to live alone and he sounds like one of them.

Ugh, some men are just looking for another "mommy". Some are looking to rob a widow blind.

My mother was widowed at 50, and had many years to deal with this crapola. She could spot these pathetic Peter Pans a mile away.

If you think it's creepy, then it is. My mother had the same thing happen to her when her husband died. One man was her best friend's husband who was too affectionate in his consolations. She set him straight very quickly. She was an attractive widow at 68, and suddenly older men hit on her.

I've had it happen to me and I un-hugged him and said "I'm not comfortable with you doing that." He tried again and this time I said "I don't want you to hug me ever again, do you understand" and he walked away never to be seen again.

It seems odd to me that everyone is going with the idea that the "boyfriend" is behaving in an inappropriate manner. The "boyfriend", has faced the death of a loved one....unexpectedly (for sure) may be simply reaching out to others because they are facing (together) the worst situation they have ever delt with. That person may have a hard time with his social skills and just doesn't know how to cope with his grief.

I believe that our OP might give the grieving "boyfriend of her friend" the "benefit of the doubt" for at least one conversation (not at the cemetery) , before labeling him as "clinging, needy and creepy"......especially as her apparent judgement was made at the cemetery....during a stressful time. If the 'boyfriend' does continue with "predator type" behaviors under other circumstances, it seems justifiable to make certain that he is aware of the OP's boundaries. And, the OP certainly has the "right" to just not like that person....but some of the responses (I believe) should be used only if the "boyfriend" continues to be a pest.

BTW, I LIKE YaYa's comment..... I'm not comfortable with that..... at the outset. Saying that never infers anything other than...."I" am uncomfortable!

I agree with yayagal. the quicker you get it across to him the better. Be firm about it.

If he wants to know why....just tell him you aren't interested

My dear grandmother had a close friend for over 30 years. She often came to our house for coffee or lunch; they talked on the phone; they were dear friends. They'd go to each others' churches on occasions. In the 30 years the friend's husband never came along to visit; he didn't come to coffee afternoons; he had his own friends and interests.

Grandma's friend died unexpectedly. The soil had not settled on her grave; the flowers were barely wilted, when the friend's husband, over 70, "came calling." He had "admired her for so long;" he wanted to "take her to dinner," and "share company" with her. Grandma was a fiercely independent woman and had carved out her life, built up her business, raised and supported her children, and myself, in spite of a similar womanizing man.

She grabbed the nearest broom handle and came at him like a wild woman. She left no doubt what she thought about his ways and the callous treatment of his wife's memory.

A couple days later he was seen driving to town in the clutches of a different widow. A couple days after that it was another widow...and the habit persisted. By the time his wife had been dead for a month, his feral antics were the talk of the town.

It's just my opinion that there are far more womanizing men who have no thought for their wives, living or dead, at all, than we suspect. They are always looking for that opportunity. When they've worn out, humiliated, and beaten down one spouse to death, it's time to get a replacement.

To be fair, I know there are many men who are respectful, kind, and loving to their wives, even in private. After the wife's death they turn to their family, the wife's family, and their life-long friends to get through the grief. After the prescribed morning period it's expected and encouraged that they may start socializing with other women. But not over the wife's grave.

Listen to your gut, Phoggie. I know you had a wonderful husband. This man is cut from a different type of cloth.

Did you spend much time with your friend and her boyfriend? Did you ever get an uncomfortable feeling around him? Some people just give off a bad vibe, no matter what the situation.

I am kind of on the fence about this, as I do agree with what Nanny said, but I am also one to follow my gut. I think YaYa's advice on what to say is perfect, if you want to get the point across.

We here only have the OP's take to go by but the bottom line is her impressions - apt or not, as the case may be - are what she needs to act on for her own peace of mind.

I would definitely not make up excuses or do anything else that could drag things out. If the guy is, in fact a manipulator he will only respond to excuses with arguments - excuses or reasons are points of entry for manipulators. "Sorry, not interested" is all that needs to be said.

I don't think it's necessary for Phoggie to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. It's not her job to help this man go through the grieving process.

I think if Phoggie spent time with this man and actually knew him, she wouldn't have written this post.

I have a friend who likes to give long hugs. What she doesn't understand is that some people are not comfortable with an extra long hug.

Phoggie, you are right to go with your gut. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then that is all that matters.

Over Christmas, my daughter was saying the same thing almost word for word about a guy that work(ed) in the same office as her husband. He'd hug too long, make women uncomfortable and was just plain weird. A week after she said that about him, he was arrested by the Feds for child porn. Had tons of cassettes and pictures everywhere right under his wife's nose. It was gross. Ya just never know what the weirdness is really all about.

I wouldn't read that much into it. (at this point)

Too many read too much into things too often. Snidely is right, be direct and honest. Lies, especially in this situation will haunt a person and leading someone on when there may or may not be some confusion will more likely lead to other awkward situations, and then there'll be complaints that he didn't read your mind. When you lie, make excuses, stall, delay and such, especially in a situation like this, you'll only hurt yourself. I've seen it happen WAY too many times. If you're trying to be rude, then be RUDE! Don't pussyfoot around and expect someone to read your mind. I don't understand why some people are so afraid of honesty. If he IS "so dense" then it's even MORE important to be clear and forthright on your feelings and position. Or else you may have to suffer the "consequences" of your actions and inactions.

Telling someone you're not interested is far from rude. I don't understand why so many people don't understand that. I have someone here that'll beat you up... sounds like a 7 year old throwing a tantrum.

I'm also curious when I see things like "...there is also the issue of being a woman and not wanting to provoke a man..." Too many people like to play the "weaker sex" card yet claim "equal rights" at the same time! Sounds more like man hatred than caution to me. Put on an act and lie... yeah, not the way to gain credibility. And in fact, those forced tears and runny nose is telling someone they want sympathy and maybe a hug! LOL

Rather than throwing gas on the paranoia fire why not wait and see what actually happens? People all-to-often say they'll call or come over when they don't and won't. It could have been a time he felt he or you needed a hug. I attended a funeral just this past week and I see the hypocrites in action, everyone hugging who otherwise hate each other. And people are often uncomfortable around others at times like these. The incident could be completely innocent, or it could have been sinister. Maybe he IS plotting some dastardly plot to... Uh, why not just see what happens and deal with it appropriately at that time? The bridge isn't even in sight. No need to cross it yet.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and suggestions. I think if he does come to my home, I will just need to be direct like Yayagal said...and tell him that I am not comfortable being with him in my home...nor anywhere else...which is the truth! My friend met him through the Internet, so he can go back to that again!

Matti...I have always felt uncomfortable around this guy...he come on to my friend 2 months after her last husband died..but she was needy also. From the time they met, he wanted to be with her 24/7...and was always so "handsy"... She had a nice home and her late husband bought her a new car before he died, and this guy just took over everything. They say when a person reaches our age (74), they want a nurse or a purse...and I think he wants both!...but this old woman is not going to be either one!

Well that definitely sounds predatory. But it depends on exactly what their relationship was.

MEN!! They can make fools of themselves. Men are sometimes very different than women who grieve unconditionally for the death. My father was suddenly very popular when my mother died. He moved to be near my brother and my brother was not happy with the women who went after him but should have left him alone. You would not believe what women did to get his attention. Yes they went to overtures he had not had for a long time. Yes, he walked and drove and was a hot item until he couldn't do either. I wish every older single person companionship where they share memories and the present. I agree with Snidely and when a woman of any age states her position then it still is the law. Phoggie has always had my respect and I want her to find a companion of her choice but not this way.

You would not believe what women did to get his attention

How is that an example of

MEN!! They can make fools of themselves?

Phoggie ... your latest message adds more dimensions to the picture which we had earlier about the situation.

I'm not a female ... but if I were, I think that I'd not want to have anything but a very arm's length relationship with this guy, even if there may be some legitimacy to his claim of being "grieving".

Being companions in grieving doesn't relate to being half-way to being bed-fellows.

ole joyful

You can't be subtle with this guy. He doesn't read 'no' or "don't bother me' signals. He has to be told outright. Just say. "Don't bother me. I am not interested".

Reading closer, Phoggie's friend met this man on the internet. She had to have posted there to have met this man there. But, whatever their relationship, it was theirs. Not our place to decided what was what.

Phoggie, as we have all mentioned, you listen to your gut, and do what makes you comfortable.

Embotherium, you asked how MEN can make fools of themselves. Yes, some older men who are single and can get past the death of their wife when they see a new romantic life are all for a new beginning which is fine but I have been in situations where they blatantly ask if they could just cuddle with me sometime (inappropriate after 3 minutes of conversation) and start bragging about their past work etc. Big new egos. They actually think that women who go after them and are deeply in sudden love which is highly unlikely. A padded wallet and an entre into a better social life is more like it.

No, I asked how what women did was an example of men making fools of themselves.

Caroline, I love your grandmother, lol

If he shows up at your home uninvited do not answer the door.....period. If after that he calls and asks why, I would tell him that I do not open the door to uninvited visitors.

He may be just looking for a friend but if it makes you uncomfortable then it is not ok.