I was probably 40s or early 50s, after my MI. It's okay Rob, we get there when we get there

I'm 63 and still don't know who I am except that I know I am not yet middle-aged. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm supposed to be somebody. I suspect that it means different things to different people but I have spent most of my life feeling somewhat unsettled. I don't wish away the decisions that I have made throughout my life as I have a nice life however.....

I'm not sure it's a single moment, but for me it was my senior year in college.

It was the year between age 37 and 38 when I rediscovered myself. It was a very rough year but I fought and I won. I'd been pretending to be someone I really wasn't for almost 17 years. That crisis brought me back. I have cherished being me and my freedom to be ever since then. Being who I am is knowing I can trust myself, don't need to apologize to anyone for who I am and stand on my convictions.

In Viet Nam, under fire. That's when I went from boy to man. That's all I will say.

Bless you, Larry.

My father did that in Italy & North Africa.

At 64, I still sometimes surprise myself, but at some point, I realized that that's probably just the way things happen, just the dynamics or progression of life.

We're always changing, & we're always staying the same.

It does seem like I've become more myself since I disengaged, & remained disengaged, from people & situations that kept me tied in knots.

Oh my, PK, are you saying you've had a myocardial infarction? I hope not but if so, I wish you the very best. I know you're smart enough to take good care of yourself, live to be 105. If you want to.

I thought I knew who I was at the time of puberty. The result was a cocky and self-confident teenager. The passage of time and resulting wisdom gained from experiences have tempered the cockiness, injected some humility (though not too much, it's such an overrated trait) but I've maintained a reasonable amount of confidence. While I'm older and wiser, I think I'm still the same person I was all those years ago. . There are a few things I might do differently with hindsight and a second chance on decisions but not too much. Not that I made all the best decisions, and I could have done much better with many things, but I'm okay with where I am and where I've been.

After divorce, I found myself. I am a stronger person than I was. 76 and very independent. Happy with myself now.

I think it was when I was in my 40's and after many, many long talks with a very good friend and sort of mentor, I learned to look at things in a different way. I think when I was younger, I didn't take the time to stop and give anything very much thought because I had a lot to do and lots of problems in my life. The work that I did kept me occupied but I didn't allow myself to slow down. Most of the time I was running on auto pilot.

I learned very early who I was. I was a "pre-mature adult" ....at age 12 I was the oldest of 4 girls. And was running a house, raising my sisters and getting an education, which I did earlier than expected. I was independent, strong willed, fun loving, a bit OCD, and an over achiever. I don't define myself as to my job or role at any given time. I set lotsa goals. Art, dance, business etc. I fulfilled all those goals and a lot more. I didn't do it the way I had planned but I did them.

I think I've always known who I was, but I didn't always know how to fit "me" into society/family. Certainly, I'm a kinder, gentler version of myself these days...at least outwardly.

I suspected when I was 4-5 years old, and embraced who I "am" by the time I was 7. Being a realist was a matter of survival. (My father was a threat to murder me on any day, until he died while I was in my thirties.) I know the time period mainly because the years coincided with my views about the religion I was forced to learn and practice.

I guess I always knew who I was. My parents pounded it into me. I remember my father, who was 6'4", determined to teach his tall children to stand tall, throw our shoulders back, don't slouch, don't mumble, and look at the other person in the eye when you are speaking to him or her. So we all developed a poise I don't think we would have had without his reminders. One of his favorite reminders when we four would get a little rowdy was to admonish, "Nicely, quietly and politely."

Ever since I can remember, I knew who I was, but I did not know why. As I look back over my childhood and teen days, its a wonder I survived. Later in life, I questioned myself about did I love my children, and then, I had a nightmare involving one of my children. When I jerked awake, I knew; Yep, I loved my children - No doubt about that! Now, as I approach old age, I wonder what's next. Have I done enough? I have the feeling there is something more to accomplish, but what is it?

I've always known who I was, and to even ask myself the question seemed "odd". I never felt the need to go "find myself", as it were, and I always wondered if people who did go to "find themselves", if in all seriousness they ever did and how to go about it? I wonder if the difference comes with different personality types? That would make for an interesting comparison. I'm a strong ESTJ (Extravert, Sensing, Thinking, Judge - aka the worst personality type for a woman), if you were ever into Myers/Briggs, or Character & Temperament Types by Keirsey/Bates, or "Type Talk" by Kroeger/Thuesen.

The only time I encountered a bit of a "who am I" hiccup was the horrific time in my life after the daunting task of caretaker to my parents and mother-in-law at the end of their lives (a very sad and unpleasant time). When they passed away over an 18-month period, I realized I just had 5-years of my life completely focused on others more than myself, and I had to turn that around. But even that proved who I was - one of life's natural administrators, loyal with a great sense of duty. I'm going to bet anyone who has been a caretaker for others have gone through the same thing.

To me, who I am is not a final destination. Even at this late date, I often learn more about the world around me and myself. Watching my son raise my grandchild has given me new perspective about life and what is really important.

I learned a lot right after the divorce, but it took me a couple of years to know, I am where I want to be in my life, and I think, I am where I supposed to be.

I don't know who I am. Daily life has become a PIA, because I allow it to be. Not physical pain for which I should be, and am, grateful. Its the issue of trying to hang on to my independence. Not wanting to give in to asking for help where it is needed, but often getting upset when those around me don't recognize that help is needed.

I guess that who I am now is what those who love me and are more than willing to make my life easier, think I am. A big PIA! I often don't like who I have become.

So much of what each of you has said is really touching me in that soft underbelly that I hide so well from the world. Thank you for what you've all said!

I asked because I see it in others. You can see that moment the spark from living life on auto-pilot, but a sudden realization and the confidence that comes gushing forward, finally knowing who they are. When you can see the outward reflection of it? That's so amazing! Humans are amazing. I know what I am (strong willed, an INFJ ;) , organized, thorough, and much more!), but I don't know that I know who I am--the core, if you stripped all the world away--who. I am not trying to find who I am, it's only that the older I get, the more I realize I don't know it. I may not need to know it. Or maybe I should. I've been through hel* and back and, survived it, even come out stronger. Even my legacy (my son knows who is. He always has. I envy people that!) has the ability. So maybe I passed on the ability with a recessive gene? Isn't that enough? And some days, it isn't. It's not the be-all goal, just a pondering I had yesterday.

I honestly never gave a thought to "who I was". Grainlady mentions being a caregiver....and I was that for my mother, my daughter, and my best friend. I took care of him the final 8 years of his life. Since we lived 20 miles apart, that meant going over there every day, and in the end as often as 4 times a day, and even sleeping there in the last weeks of his life. I get what Grainlady says about being loyal. I think my biggest problem in my life was not being able to say no. I think about some of the things that I did, that I didn't want to do, and I feel very sad. Nothing that would be horrible to most people.....I wasn't wild and crazy. I let someone I liked talk me into selling a favorite horse and I wouldn't go back on my word after I promised to let him go, and I regret it to this day. My friend taught me to say no, and that I didn't have to give a reason. He said "if someone asks you why, look at them like they are crazy. You don't owe anyone an explanation." I regret that I spent so much time in my life doing for people who took advantage of my kindness. I don't think it made me bitter, but it did make me appreciate having the ability to be by myself. I don't mind saying no now. And I say no to almost everything unless it is something I really want to do. I don't regret the time I spent raising my daughter, taking care of my mother or my friend, but I hate the time I wasted on people who meant nothing to me and brought nothing positive to my life. I saw this quote yesterday....and I think it is something I should have embraced a long time ago.
"You only have one life. How exactly are you going to spend it? Regretting? Dieting? Crying? Questioning? Hating yourself? Running after people who don't give a $#*t about you? You have one life. Spend it well, go out and live. Make yourself proud."

After I died the second time...in my twenties...and came back. I learned then...with a surety...that I had a resiliency that far outweighed what life..and the people in it...could or would throw my way. I put one foot in front of the other and never looked back other than to record lessons learned. That's not to say that there aren't days that my lack of perfection doesn't astound me...but I know on those days...as with others...that I've given my best at the time...and not I, nor anyone else...can ask for more.

Rob...I think your in-touch, knowing your on a search. Many never take the journey.

I was 10yo. My mom had married for the 2nd time, money was tight, I was over weight. I sat in a chair and played "what if" deciding what my options were, which ones were plausible. Deciding how quickly I could get-on-my-feet with what I had to work with. Listing my strong points, my likes and dislikes, my vision of how I wanted to live, 5yr, 10yrs. Short term goals, long term goals....

See, I think that's the point. If I am happy doing what I do, whatever that is, I don't really need to know why I do it, or who I am, as long as I am balancing self-worth, caring, good morals, etc. I think that's the point... for me.

"Who" I am is going to be different every day. I think it's part of growing as a person and experiencing new things. I can be a caregiver, an advisor,a mentor, a student, a friend. I think my ability to be flexible is what makes me me. I'm not sure if I ever want to find just one to be. I want to keep evolving and becoming different as I continue to grow and learn.

rob, I think you're exactly right with the autopilot comment.

Everyone can choose who they are, why they are, and why they do what they do. It takes a conscious effort and too many just fall into the trap of repetitive actions without giving thought to whether there are other choices they should make, new things they should try or whether there are other ways to pursue their choices. Why? Because it's easier, takes less effort and risk, and the sameness is comfortable in a way. Change is threatening to some but essential to others.

I even see it in comments that people make on this forum. "I do what I do because that's what I do" or "This is how I feel because I've always felt this way".

Keep your eyes open, keep thinking about yourself and your life in healthy, non-neurotic ways and go for it!

No parental guidance whatsoever offered during growing-up years. Have just muddled through. Have been a caretaker, and would do it again. Biggest problem is sharing without good sense and not retaining enough for myself.

Given the neighbourhood that I lived in and the high school that I went to it was just assumed that the next step was university (auto-pilot). I never knew and was never told that there were other options until years later, to travel or to work or to do a community college (not a mistake I made with my kids). Would I have chosen something different had I known and so become a different person - who knows.

I did have an epiphany moment about who I was or perhaps wasn't, when I was in my late 20's and working. I have a business degree and when you're in business school it is, I think, assumed that everyone has the same goal and that is to head for the top of whatever. Well, in the early 70's and as a women getting into business school and finding a job was tough enough but what I did discover was that I didn't want to be at the top. I had no desire to be a CEO or anything resembling a big position of authority.

Initially I felt like I was somehow a failure until I realized that no I wasn't. I have never doubted that realization about myself.

And so as others have mentioned I guess we are constantly changing and becoming "new" people along the way.

I had what could be called a midlife crisis and it forced me to reevaluate who I was and how I was spending my time. After much exploration, I changed my life's direction and pursued my core interests and beliefs. It was a growing experience for me and while my close family members were a bit taken aback by this change, fortunately they didn't abandon me!

At age 31 when I finally accepted who I was and stopped trying to be someone I wasn't.

I grew up in a very conservative area (Grand Rapids, MI) and knew from a young age that I was "different" but didn't know why. It wasn't until I joined the military and got away that I finally started my journey to being the person I was meant to be and not try to be who I wasn't.

It amazed me that once I came out, how many people were accepting and even a few remarked how they always knew. Why didn't they clue me in? lol

secsteve- I have a nephew who came out when he was 30 and his entire family, aunts, uncles, cousins etc all basically said - "yea, so, we all knew that, who cares"

He reacted the same as you did. It was a pivotal point for him and he has become such a strong person as a result.

We all need to strive to be true to ourselves. My favorite motto:

I think it is an ongoing evolving process. I am nothing like what I was at 15 or 25 or 35 or even 55. Things that happen to you change you and hopefully make you grow into a better person.

I think I always knew who I was and am. Each day may be different. Most of the time I am a caregiver. For many years I was a Mother of small children and that took up all of the time. I have been a homemaker going on 63 years. Now once again I am a caregiver and it is like having a toddler! Not what an 81 year old wants to have at this age. Each day is a challenge. Take each day as it comes and be grateful because it could be worse.

Sue

I am one of seven children, the second oldest, and I had a Murphy bed fall on me at a hotel at age 12. I was rushed to the hospital only to find out, due to standard procedures, that I had glomerulonephritis and rheumatic fever. For the next two years I had to be in bed, 14 months in two different hospitals. It was there that I learned who I was. I had been a shy person but I had to protect myself being there without a family living with me. I then got hepatitis and nose dived and was on deaths door when they had to move me out of pediatric as I was too old now and the only room left was on geriatric floor. I was put in a room with a 96 year old woman named Ida Rencurrel. That woman coaxed me in to speaking up for myself when needed, gave me love and support at every step of my growth to the point that I told my dr., who was on rounds with a bevy of students, that I didn't like him talking about me as if I was invisable. I said "I'm a person and I'd like to be treated like one" Ida clapped so hard when they left the room. We were together for four months although I was moved out of her room after two months but she would be wheeled up to spend some of the day with me. She took me from a frightened child to the brink of adulthood with the best advice I've received in my lifetime. The reason I recovered is that the drs. asked my parents if they would consider allowing them to take a new drug that had just been okayed for children. Ida told them "do it, you have nothing to lose but so much to gain" and they agreed. It was acth which was the beginning of steroid treatments. No more dialysis, I was going to go home at age 14. I went on to become all the things that Ida said. I pray for her every day. We remained friends until she died. Sometimes all it takes is one person.

I'd put this thread on the back burner, but am glad to see it resurface. What greatly meaningful things have been added. I'm so happy to see what good has come about from learning who you all are. Steve, I'm glad you finally got the courage to be who you are. And yaya, you might never have become YOU if you two hadn't come to the health crossroads at which two you arrived. It's often hard to see any good coming from awful things, but this one is obvious, the best came from the worst. I know it's vague to hear, but that's exactly what I needed to hear today.

Thank you EVERYONE for putting yourself out there. I envy you knowing, want to hug you if you suffered to get there, and applaud your strong acceptance of who you were, you are, and you will be.

I still don't know

It's hard for me to relate to this concept of knowing/not knowing "who you are." What does that even mean? I guess it does mean something to a lot of you, but all I can say is I've always known who I am -- me.

I will say that maturing and growing older has brought balance, perspective, and comfort to my life.

I feel as you do, violetwest; I've always "known" myself--I assume that means to be comfortable in one's own skin. Which is not to be confused with confident, because that was not one of my personality traits, growing up. Perhaps those of us who never felt confused grew up with a family like mine, whose members were/are very straightforward people. I also always knew in what line of work I'd like to be--perhaps there's a connection?

At 69 I still don't "know", but there's so much else I don't know that it's alright...

I have to say I'm so impressed with all your responses. Each one was so beautiful to read because they showed the person you became. I loved it, thank you Rob333.

I was thinking about this and recalled two times that *who I am* spontaneously 'surfaced'. One is a time I probably only remember because it was so emotional. I was about four.

My parents had separated when I was two. My father was having an affair with his secretary, and she wanted to marry. My mother was refusing to file. (At that time she had to formally accuse him of adultery.)

One afternoon I woke from a nap to hear my father shouting and went downstairs to find him waving his arms and yelling at my mother. She was sobbing and became even more distressed when she saw me witnessing this. His back was to me. I ran to them and yelled at him, "Don't you dare make my mommy cry!" He left.

A more positive memory is of a late summer day when I was eleven. I had been out riding around the neighborhood with friends on our bikes. We'd had a happy, carefree afternoon. I remember coming into our kitchen, opening the refrigerator to get some juice and having a sudden realization: I was whole and healthy -- and my childhood was almost *over*. It was exciting! (I credit some of this to hormonal changes of which I was yet to become aware; I was becoming a young woman.)

There are so many influences in the world in which we live. Arguably it starts with the combination of our genes and our parents'/caregivers' nurturing, along with the molds that we are all put in as we grow.

The challenge though, is when do we take responsibility for who we are to become? Is there a person that we 'are', or are 'supposed to be'? Nope. You can be whatever you find appealing within, and slightly surpassing your potential. ETA: Whomever you 'are' at any given moment is just a slice in time and space.

You are only limited by your knowledge and expectations. If you, or your world only expect so much, that can be a limiting factor for 'you'.

That said... your growth and potential metamorphoses must also be tempered by reason and rationality. At each crossroads in your path, the questions of 'why?', and 'should I?' need to be asked and answered to the best of your ability.

However, before such questions can be asked and answered, you must first recognize that the crossroads even exist.

So... be brave, be wise, and learn about yourself and the world around you, as well as what influences have shaped - and will shape - who you are, and what you are to become. Learn about yourself, and with humble recognition of your abilities and knowledge, examine the the choices before you. Reach out and create choices that you may never know existed. Measure those potentials by learning the principles upon which the universe is built, and judge the paths with an understanding that not all of them have integrity.

Anyway... deep subject, and we all have our perspectives.

I've quoted before from the rabbi at our neighbor's bar mitzvah. So simple:

"Live Your Life." (Equal emphasis on each word.)

I'm going off-topic again. Funny you should mention that phrase, Chisue. I just finished listening to a wonderful audiobook by a Holocaust survivor who was told by his father while in Auschwitz that if he survives, the best way to honor the family is by living his life, that is, to fulfill himself. He came to the U.S. and developed tailoring skills that made him clothier to presidents (including President Obama) along with numerous sports and show biz personalities. Measure of a Man : From Auschwitz Survivor to Presidents' Tailor

I have always known who I am and what I was put here for. I was put here to be a wife and mother. Even as a very small child mother told me that whenever someone asked me how many children I wanted I always said six. Today I am the mother of six, four sons and two daughters. They are all grown up now and have given me 14 grand children, who in turn have given me 11 greats so far. I had a good marriage to a man that made the Air Force his profession. He passed away six years ago and although I miss him my children make sure I am never lonely. Life has been good to me and I think it is because I followed my heart and listened to God's voice.

Yayagal...God bless Ida. And you.

I feel more like my own person since being widowed 2+ yrs. ago. Before I was a half of a couple. I am comfortable with the person I am now. Maybe because I really don't have any responsibilities since the children are grown and all doing well.

I realized that I was in charge of my own life and behavior during therapy in my early thirties. Prior to that I had spent my life running from one disaster right into another.I left home (ran away) at 14 and had been somewhat on my own since that age, but hadn't given thought to much aside from survival.

My therapist helped me see that I was the master of my own destiny. I was the one that kept making bad choices. Actually she said that it was the same bad choice with different players. That realization was so enlightening and changed everything for me.

That was the beginning of knowing who I was.

I think that this question means different things to different folks.

Very interesting, PK. Best wishes for continued happiness.