I often give compliments to people. I used to not be comfortable receiving compliments, but now if someone says something nice to me, I just say thank you. I have also complimented people on their well behaved children. One time I did that and a friend with me said to the lady as well, "You should know how seldom she does that." Well, seldom do I get the chance. I see a lot more children that aren't behaving than are behaving. Really, a compliment to me is no big deal, as far as I am concerned, but I have seen people brighten up when you compliment them on their hair or what they are wearing. I know someone here said they thought it was weird when people speak to strangers....well, I am not wound that tight. I live in small town Texas and most of the people I come across in my day to day life don't think it odd that a stranger would say, "what pretty hair you have." That doesn't mean you stand and try to carry on an hour long conversation. Heck, out in the country, if you meet a pick up truck on a road that may not get a lot of travel....about half the time the driver meeting you, will wave. And that doesn't mean he knows you. It usually means it is an older person, and that is just the way they are.

Many people (often women, often older women) are prone to constantly giving throw away comments, which I think aren't compliments at all but rather just inane utterances. Like "I like the color of your top". Or like marilyn mentions or also like "Oh, but how bright you look today" or "My, what a nice outfit you're wearing". I think comments like these are easy to ignore because they're vacuous.

Real, substantive compliments? I think most people like them and give them sincerely when the situation warrants it.

Sometimes, a man has a difficult time complimenting others. There have been times that I wanted to add praise, but held my tongue for fear of having my words misinterpreted. Sending a written compliment helps to reduce that potential situation.

As to people complimenting me...what? Are you crazy? According to the missus, the only thing that I am good at is making her laugh!

SW, why do you hang out with so many women when you dislike them so? The commenting you call "vacuous" is part of the social culture of women. We speak to each other and make connections. Often, such a comment is an opening that turns into a conversation that turns into a friendship. Other times, it's just an exchange of nice feelings. Just because you're not part of the culture is no reason to disdain it.

Jasdip, I have no trouble accepting a normal compliment. I say thank-you, or whatever is appropriate for the occasion. I get really uncomfortable with the effusive ones though, and excessive thanking, as well. It took some time to figure out, but I finally realized that those were more about the speaker having to express something, than about the standard exchange of pleasantry or acknowledgement that a normal compliment or thank-you is, and have learned not to try to respond. Just accepting the barrage as it flows seems to be all that's needed.

Similarly, I do give compliments in the way that our social culture deems important but try not to do the effusive thing. When I was in college, one of the girls got a startlingly different hairdo which changed her face. That's the one time I remember being overly effusive. I hope she didn't think I thought she looked bad before. What I was really working through, when I said, "That looks so good!" (ETA: said over and over) was the artistic vision of her hairdresser and the impact, and trying, as an artist, to see how it all worked. Then, the same guy gave the exact same cut to another friend six months later, whom it looked okay but not transformative on, and the bubble burst and I realized it was just one of his things, and not some kind of artistic magic. Not that it looked any less amazing on the first girl.

I like giving and receiving compliments, but individuals who ALWAYS compliments, and with effusion, I distrust. And thus I don't always compliment, either. If something stands out, yes. But there's no point in being that person who ALWAYS compliments! (I probably wouldn't trust me, either!!)

I am amused when I get complimented by strangers for a crazy, colorful winter hat I often wear -- I've only ran into one person (a co-worker) who told me he hated it (but he's pretty drab in personality, so I considered the source without offense... grin).

I especially appreciate compliments for things I've apparently accomplished well. While I'm cool with ones about how I might look on a given day (and I especially love the ones that come after a new hair cut), my favorite are over something I've done and accomplished.

And yes, I've complimented people on their well-behaved children, especially if it has been trying times for childrens' patience (long lines, cold/rainy weather, delays). Or the kid is just so adorable you want to say something!

One interesting thing is so many people compliment red-haired kids, but ignore the other kid standing next to his or her sibling. I make sure, if I'm complimenting these kids for whatever trait, to include something about the other kid, too. (Can you tell I'm the brunette sibling of a red-head??? I never resented the compliments my bro got on his hair color -- in fact I was glad then for not being the FOCUS of attention -- but it does affect a child to be the invisible one.)

I think you have misunderstood both me and my comments plog.

I've had close women friends (I'm not talking about the female side of a couple who are friends) throughout my lifetime, more than most other men I know. Women seem to like me in a friendship way and find me understanding .

It may be for you and people you know that the exchange of fluffy comments is the norm. Not everyone is like that. In the context of the original question, what I was saying was, a lot of things people say are really not compliments. So that whether one likes compliments or not, a reaction to vacuous comments is something different. When someone makes a fluffy comment to me, I say thanks and then ignore it.

You're welcome to ignore the comments--it's a valid way to take them--but what I was trying to explain is that in women's culture, complimenting a stranger's hairdo or blouse or whatever isn't "fluffy". It serves a particular anthropological purpose. It's also usually sincere and a spontaneous utterance, different from the kind of compliment most men would give, and functioning for a different purpose. I don't have the proper lingo to explain it in depth, but there are any number of books and journal articles devoted to the subject if you care to become more fully informed.

A common trope in the movies nowadays is a woman telling a man what to say on a date, to compliment his date's shoes. The man looks baffled, does it anyway, the date is usually mildly pleased, and the man is still baffled. This is an acknowledgement by the cliche purveyors of the existence of this cultural phenomenon, without any understanding of how it really functions in social interactions among women. It is true, however, that if you are not a woman's lover, complimenting her appearance based on her physical being can, especially by a man, be seen as inappropriate, condescending, potentially a come-on, and possibly as sexual harassment.

Complimenting a woman's appearance based on something she has control of, like her hairdo or blouse, is telling her she did a good job in the choosing. Most American women would also look on this kind of compliment from a random man as fishy, too, unless he were obviously gay or in some other way artistic or non-threatening. We're used to the stereotypical man being uninterested and uninformed about style and fashion and grow suspicious about how sincere and spontaneous the remark is. Whereas, we assume women are speaking from an informed and aware point of view. But it only sounds like sexual harassment, rather than merely a man trying to talk like a woman, in a situation where speech is monitored and it's code for another meaning (e.g., "I like your blouse" in place of "nice rack").

All compliments received by me "vacuous" or not I merely say thank you. I don't have issues with compliments from random men either. Guess I just don't have negative assumptions about males like many women do today.

I completely understood what SW was trying to say. I am one of those rare women who don't "get" women's small talk either. If I absolutely must engage in it I feel like I'm acting. All that preliminary social chitchat goes right by me. Especially when we are there for something concrete like a meeting. I like women and socialize with them but I am much more comfortable talking to men.

I give compliments freely to those who deserve them. Like Marilyn I love to compliment well behaved children and their parents. I have also done (been guilty of LOL) the throw away compliments SW refers to as vacuous just to be "nice" and sort of fit in. It's not that the statement is insincere, it's just that I don't really care that much about fashion, makeup etc. So it is partially faked.

I don't care to be complimented on the colours that I chose to wear or the style of pants that I am wearing. If someone does, I do thank them and move on.

I don't compliment parents on the good behaviour of their children - it's something that should be expected and not congratulated. They are doing their jobs as parents. If you were to compliment me on the behaviour of my children, as far as I'm concerned you're out of line.

A compliment brightens my day. A compliment from someone I know and respect makes it even brighter.

Fluffy comments are useful- they get folks talking. I might feel a lot better about a little chitchat about clothes than 'How about that Donald Trump' just to start out a conversation.

Many men have fluffy conversations about sports, not compliments, but the comment can serve the same sort of purpose.

If it gets you or the other person talking and feeling good, how can it be bad?

I don't think I am "vacuous". Actually, I am more of an introvert. I avoid conversation with most people all the time. I will go out of my way to keep from having to talk to almost anyone. However, if I see someone and something strikes me, I will make an honest compliment and move on. I am not trying to be one of the girls or buddy up with another woman. Actually, I hate "being one of the girls". Most of my closest friends have always been men. I have literally nothing in common with most women. But I don't see that and me saying, "I like your haircut" being small talk. I hate small talk. For example, don't call me on the phone because I usually won't answer because I don't like small talk. If you have something to say...say it and get it over with. I never set out to speak to anyone because I think it is expected of me as one of the girls or what an old woman would do or anything like that. Of course I wouldn't expect Snidely to agree. He is polar opposite of me. He probably has preconceived notions about the unwashed masses, and it wouldn't matter what I'd say about it.

I think comments like these are easy to ignore because they're vacuous.

Snidely, how rude--first of all that you would ignore nice comments about your appearance, spoken with the best of intentions, and secondly that you would label them vacuous.

Oh, wait . . . you said you say "thanks" and then ignore the comment. I don't know how one manages to do both, but it must be a by-product of your attitude.

Many years ago when our children were little we had gone to the mall for some shopping. I had told the children that we would get ice cream when we were finished. There were two older ladies enjoying the treat, too. We ordered, ate our ice cream and cleaned up our area. The ladies commented to me how well behaved my children were. I thanked them. Yes, it is my job to see that my children behave but receiving a nice comment from strangers feels good!!

Susie, I used to get compliments like that about my little daughters in restaurants, and once, when I was pregnant with their brother, a woman said in a delighted voice, "Oh! And you're having another one!" Well, I hope she never observed the "other one's" restaurant behavior, which very often didn't live up to the standard set by his sisters. LOL

But to answer the OP's question, I enjoy receiving compliments and I take pleasure in recognizing positive things--even if it's just the way a friend happens to look.

I also don't do small talk, especially not with strangers and especially not with people who seem to do little else. You know the type. But I'm an extrovert.

I pay little attention to one-off comments from people I don't know, whether they're compliments or insults. Whatever is said is said in ignorance, why should I care?

You think my kid is noisy? Well, maybe he has Tourette's and we're working on medicine dosage.

You like my shoes? Well, that's creepy but "Thanks" and i don't care.

Sorry, alisande, some chose to understand what I was trying to say. If others like to pay close attention to what strangers say, that's fine with me.

Sorry, alisande, some chose to understand what I was trying to say. If others like to pay close attention to what strangers say, that's fine with me.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, so I don't know what you mean. But I do know what "vacuous" means.

I'm another who will compliment someone if I feel the inspiration to do so. It's always sincere, never superficial. I also have absolutely commented on children's exceptionally good behavior.....once during a long wait to see the doctor and another time in a restaurant.

That a parent would be offended by someone recognizing their peaceful, happy children is absurd to me.

I'm usually a little embarrassed when I'm complimented but happy to recieve them. I hope that I never have a jaded or dismissive attitude such as expressed by a couple within our kitchen table family.

Please just take me out to the woodshed if ever I do!

I like to give them and I like to get them. I get a lot of comments about my haircut, even standing outside in a 30 mile an hour wind on a day where I didn't do anything except brush it before I left the house. I am always sure to tell the person who cuts my hair how everyone seems to really admire her work. I will tell people when I think that their outfit is extremely flattering on them and it's enjoyable for me to see their faces light up with pleasure and sometimes, surprise. I have never had anyone look at me sideways as if they thought my comment was weird. Maybe it's a southern thing, but around here, you just don't run into a lot of grumpy people.

Yes to both. I give them, when I see the need, and I get them. I even say thank you when someone tells me that I am weird. I just take it as a compliment. :)

I spontaneously give them when I want, it's just part of my personality. Just recently I had to speak to a medical person who was a woman and had the most beautiful speaking voice. She was so good with the patients and I chose to compliment her on her abilities and her voice. She beamed. I'm fine with a compliment too. Anything positive said from one person to another is a positive move. I like it.

I like to give sincere compliments and can gracefully accept compliments also.

Yaya's comment reminded me that some compliments stay with us for a long time. When I was my daughter's labor coach 25 years ago, the nurse complimented me on my speaking voice. I hear that a lot, usually at poetry readings. But I'll never forget the nurse saying to me, "You voice was very good for her."

Flamingo, I often ask women--strangers--where they got their hair cut. The most recent example resulted in one of my worst haircuts. LOL

Yes to both. I will compliment people for various reasons and I receive a lot of compliments, especially on my decorated quad cane from both women and men. Maybe people in the south are just more friendly. At least it seems that way to me having lived in the north and now in the south. I get hugs from total strangers and love it. I hope kindness to one another never goes out of style, be it a sincere compliment or a genuine hug.

The compliment I am learning to accept is how people enjoy seeing me and my older (16 years old, not small) son hugging, or laughing, talking, playing a word game together on the train, etc. Why do people keep telling us how they like it? I am ready to go back to driving my car so we can keep to ourselves. He's just a nice guy and he'd be that way if he was three or seventy three. I got lucky!

My mom, on the other hand was never affectionate didn't say I love you or hug or anything until I left home. I wish she'd been that way with me. So was she wrong? Nope. She was being who she was and she was uncomfortable doing that stuff.

We have to be who we are, but to compliment it is strange to me? Maybe it isn't. A lot of you are saying you compliment well behaved kids. It's similar?

Re: complimenting well-behaved kids: Do you know why they're being well-behaved? Perhaps they're being bribed with a trip to Disneyland if they behave. Perhaps they know if they don't behave they will be screamed at by their parents on the way home for what horrible little brats they are.

You want to compliment well-behaved children - go for it and enjoy it. But don't be critical of me because I think that complimenting well-behaved children that you don't know is over stepping boundaries.

I like to proffer sincere compliments and appreciate receiving them as well. Sometimes it just makes your day.

Lest I am in that camp Suzieque (that's my younger sister's name!), I am quick to smile and thank them. I really am trying accept it. I guess I am more of the mindset like blfenton, and assume it's something he'd do no matter what. It'd be like complimenting him for being tall? And I am trying to understand why someone would say anything? I do think it's nice of them to be nice, and appreciate the kindness shown.

:)

suzieque, I don't think you and some others are looking at this point with an open mind.

Do you ask strangers invasive and personal questions? I expect the answer is no. So it's easy to understand that some people will similarly react to a "compliment" from a total stranger as uncomfortably invasive and personal. If, as blfenton says, a perceived line is crossed for the recipient, then the comment is unwelcome. Why would anyone have the obligation to accept such a comment generously? To the contrary, many find them annoying and uncomfortable.

While I will always be outwardly friendly to people who speak to me, I won't continue a conversation and may walk away (if possible) when I hear something out of line from a stranger.

Well said Suzique!

Suzieque I'd like to compliment you on your post:)

I think Marilyn_C was onto something when she mentioned her regional experience. I too am from Texas and there is a lot of neighborly complimentary chitchat and behavior, I enjoy that.

I accept a compliment with a thank you, some people compliment so much you wonder if it's genuine or they just want a response, I don't care either way...I don't throw out a lot of compliments because I'm so leary of people who do that. They could just be friendly, and I'm not that social.

I appreciate receiving a compliment ... and my level of appreciation, or, perhaps, the amount of weight that I give to it, may depend upon whether it's a sincere and heartfelt one from a known person, or one coming from a stranger who knows nothing about me ... but who may (or may not) have seen something in me or my behaviour that s/he appreciates. I reply with thanks, whichever.

I don't throw them out often, but may offer one if I feel that it's relevant, and that to strangers, as well.

The other day I was walking from a parking lot to a grocery, in the rain, and a man was walking there, about 6 - 8 feet from me, and I said, "If you were to wander around out here for a while ... your friends might accuse you of being all wet".

"My friends have been saying to me for years".

We both smiled and went our way.

I've told that story several times, recently ... and brought several smiles ... even from strangers ... sometimes while waiting for radiation at the cancer clinic.

I suspect that I'd do less talking to strangers, e.g. while standing in the checkout line at the store, if I shared house with someone.

Hope you receive a (sincere) compliment today ... whether from an acquaintance or someone farther out.

Wouldn't hurt you to give one, either - sincere, of course. Accompanied with smile often helps.

ole joyfuelled

Re manners, when I talked about the effusive thing in the beginning, I was referring to repeated or overblown compliments. I remember my college friend rolling her eyes when I kept exclaiming over her new hairdo. Saying thank-you once or twice is correct. After that, it does get tedious, and that's why I've learned to accept it and continue the conversation, but not say thank-you every time it's repeated. The speaker doesn't take offense. As I said, it's something they have to work out themselves, not something they're trying to communicate.

I agree with Suzique that handling any interaction gracefully is an important social skill. I'm not a highly social person either, but I use that as a reason to work on it and am constantly learning more about how to be gracious.

Rather than judging people for their kind utterances, just be kind back. I get what people have said about strangers passing remarks about their children's behavior, and I think if more children were well behaved it wouldn't seem so remarkable. In Rob's case, I wouldn't be surprised if it were the happy nature of the interactions they were complimenting, that they'd love to have that kind of relationship with another, especially a kid. There was a happy family I used to see regularly, if I was out and about on my lunch break. A mom and dad and a curly haired moppet. I loved seeing them because they always seemed so happy and engaged with each other (this was pre-cellphones). I never said anything, because I couldn't think of a way that wouldn't be creepy, but I think they might have liked to know how contagious their happy ways were, if I could have found the words.

I really disliked receiving comments from strangers, compliments or otherwise, about our children. Too often the stranger would just get it wrong, so it was annoying. "Your son is so well behaved!" was received 10 minutes after the meltdown in the parking lot. "You should check out using this aisle, because there are books along this one, and candy along the rest." in front of my son, who never cared enough about the candy to ask for it while shopping. But my shopping life would have been much easier for the next decade if he had not learned that one of the aisles contained books. Don't tell him he is such a big boy, and shouldn't need that stuffed friend he is holding, because it really is NOYB that he just wanted a bit of comfort after a painful medical procedure.

Even the flight attendant who kept insisting our children, who were sitting in a different row and on the opposite side of the plane, must be "airline kids" because they were so polite. I had to repeat twice that we were not employed by any airline in any way. She was so shocked, she immediately went and said to another attendant, "You know those two children in row "XY" that are so polite? You won't believe it, but they aren't airline kids!" Our children were confused by that one, and honestly, so were we!

Rob33, I think that the reason that people compliment you on your son's behavior is because it's refreshing and hopeful to see a teenage boy actually enjoying himself with him mom. I am so happy for you to have that experience and hearing it almost made me break out in tears, it's not always that easy between parent and teens. It is truly a joy to behold that sort of close and easy relationship.

For the record, that was NOT a compliment, just a different point of view.

I came back to add this. I mentioned this thread to hubby and he asked that I share that when we see kids acting like we are more used to seeing, defiant, belligerent, ect...we don't comment.

Sometimes I may comment to/compliment a stranger, that they have a nice smile on today.

Usually they thank me or offer some kind of appreciation ... and rarely take any kind of a back-off action.

Usually mine is offered with a smile and a bit of a lilt.

ole joyfuelled

I quite often give a compliment,take it whatever way one likes-and naturally,I love to receive compliments.

I guess I do. I just say thank you when I receive one. I grew up in a household where compliments were not handed out with any frequency, so I had to learn to be comfortable with them when I was younger. Nowadays, I try to compliment people more frequently. I do dislike compliments from folks who are just BSing me.

Y'all are making me smile. Thanks plllog and PK! (GRIN) Truly.