What kind of donations are they talking about? Used clothing and household items? Food for a food bank? Toys for Tots?

As a hostess, the idea doesn't appeal to me. But if I were asked to bring something, it wouldn't bother me to do so unless it meant spending more money than I was comfortable with.

I'm wondering why you would decline.

I agree. Very tacky. The holidays are already filled with people and organizations trying to shame people into giving giving giving giving giving to the less fortunate. It is a nice thought....but good grief. If I want to help I will reach out and give what I want myself. The idea of inviting someone to your home and then trying to guilt them into bringing something to donate is,in my opinion, tacky tacky tacky. Host a CHARITY event not a holiday gathering at your home. I wouldn't accept the invite either.

I would decline because it's something we do all the time and as amylou321 noted, we are bombarded with giving everywhere.

Why put your guest in a position where they feel obligated to give or feel self conscious if they don't, even though they might otherwise be very generous?

I also feel like it's something that some people find private. The whole right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing and all that ;-)

Just the other day, I was walking into a grocery store and of course, the bell ringers are out there already. A guy walked by and said, "It's not even Thanksgiving!".

I think if it is a dinner party, that is one thing.

But I have seen some heartwarming lessons when kids at school are asked to bring a can of food to donate. As kids, they don't really have a grasp of the difference between a can of tuna and a can of caviar, but even at a very young age, they do seem to have a grasp that they are giving up something of theirs (or their family's) to help the less fortunate.

I can see it both ways. I've been on both ends. For an differing opinion, I think some people truly like to help others. It's more of a 'feel good' thing as in "we can help'. Each person in the group is known to be friendly or generous in some way. The individual running the show or planning the party has a very positive mindset that everyone would like to contribute in a small way that doesn't hurt anyone and all would feel good about the gesture.

I've also been put into positions where I've been guilted into donations for a cause I didn't believe in and really did not want to support for reasons of my own. There are some tacky people out there, but I don't think that is why most people ask for donations unless it is helping themselves look better. I think it is more of an attitude of if you don't ask, you don't receive and somebody has to organize this deal or it's not going to happen.

Being someone who does host large family and friends parties often, I might ask guests to bring a donation (canned food item or new toy) instead of bringing me a hostess gift.

If it's relatively inexpensive, I don't mind contributing. A friend requested bottles of kids' vitamins as someone was traveling to Africa, so the donated items would go directly to where they are needed. That was a great opportunity to help with minimal middlemen.

They are my guests, I wouldn't ask for a donation and certainly not shame them into it. Unless, we were all a part of an organization and the purpose of the dinner was to bring an item to donate.

I would not do it as a hostess, and I never expect a hostess gift either. I am having you over because I want to that doesn't earn me a gift. If I was invited depending on what type of items were asked for I may or may not donate. We do quite a bit on our own as I am sure others do as well and that would be my answer, we do all our donations privately thank you.

Now our garden club donates a Lot to various types of charities monetarily, but each year at our annual Christmas gathering we can, if we choose to, bring along canned goods and a new unwrapped toy, which we donate as a group. I don't think that falls in the same category however. And I always participate.

Sounds tacky but I still wonder what kind of donation is asked for and who the host is, someone you barely know or a close friend or family member.

This is a time of year when the food banks are needing to fill their shelves. I donate nonperishables at my grocery stores, at my neighborhood fire station, and will be happy to do so when my hosts request it. Which has happened on more than one occasion.

Believe it or not, there doesn't need to be an ulterior motive. A few grocery items here and there don't impact our charitable giving at all.

Canned goods are definitely easy. Gently used items are a bit tougher.

Maybe she asked believing a donation is more useful/meaningful than hostess gift but I do think there is a shaming element. What if every party host starts doing this? You'd have to have a donation Stash to be socially acceptable, ha. I have a huge problem with charity being a public thing. I never ever tell anybody about my charity giving. There is a furniture guy in Houston that makes a tremendous to do about donating for x/mas and it absolutely turns my stomach the way he makes a publicity event out of whole thing. I guess charity for any reason (kindness, marketing, etc) is better than nothing at all but oh, I cannot stand this guy.

I would participate, I suppose, in the spirit of being cooperative, but I wouldn't like it. My congregation has this kind of thing at some functions, and that's the appropriate place for it, in my opinion. Even then, I'm more likely to make a donation online to the organization we're donating to than bring goods to the party. At a private, social party, I'm happy to bring a pie to eat, but I'd rather not be hauling stuff around while I'm dressed up, which is better given at the office.

For our big holiday party, we, the hosts, make a generous donation in honor of our festivities and give token gifts to the grown-ups. People don't come to my house with a requirement to give. If you'd like to bring a dish or a gift or things for the kids, fine, that's on you, but I won't ask you to do so, and I won't be asking for donations.

I wonder. Maybe if the hostess is collecting donations for a "dear to her heart" cause that doesn't get attention, would make it more appropriate. Knowing that ahead of time would matter as well.

I would gladly bring something, even though I give throughout the year. Charities need all the help they can get and it makes my heart feel good when I can help someone.

Asking people to bring a donation of any sort makes it a fundraiser, not a party.

I am old school. When hosting anything gifts are not mentioned period. Not no gifts, not donation in lieu of gifts, nada!

If you want to donate a gift after it is is given to you fine. But changing basic etiquette rules for guests so you can feel good is rude!

I would gladly donate....and I do it regularly. I have been to two occasions this week and asked to bring items for the needy...no big deal to buy a few things for others. I volunteer at our local food bank and my heart breaks for some of the patrons who come for food or clothes. It is only by the grace of God that it is not me or a family member....and if I can do my small part to help them, I am thrilled to do it. But remember, their tummies get just as empty in May and June as they do in November and December.

It is definitely not something I would do as a hostess. I think that charity work or donations should not be brought out into a public party. There are people who really can't afford to give and there are others who give with their time or money as opposed to product donations. To put someone on the spot by requesting that you bring something to a party is out of line and brings with it a certain amount of competitiveness. I would wonder at their motivation.

If they have something dear to their heart let them donate to that cause. I will donate to those charities that are dear to my heart.

I'll add that I don't mind when my friends hit me up for their fundraisers, and I try to be generous. It's making a social party into a fundraiser that I mind. I didn't even realize it, but that thing that doesn't set well is exactly what Watchmelol said.

Even for a shower, you don't mention gifts -- and a nicely copied out favorite recipe is as welcome a shower gift as a Cuisinart, because even when it's all about the gifts, it's really not about the gifts at all. Same with donations. Unless you're selling tickets to a fundraising event, you don't mention donations on the invitation.

I attend a large family Christmas party, not my family, but am lucky to be a guest each year. It's a large, wonderful, generous, blessed family and each year someone finds a needy family through social services for us to make Christmas something special for them. They send out a list of family members' ages and sizes and wish list and we all pitch in to fill the wish list. A couple of times the timing for the usual method of giving got away from us, so we all brought underwear and socks, sizes and gender and age was up to each of us. The bounty was gifted to a shelter for distribution. I always feel it is in the spirit of the season and the multitude of children in the family learn about giving to others, instead of just receiving.

Seems very tacky to me.

Olychick, that sounds different. A family party where you're invited to join the family in their activity.

One year our daughter had a birthday party and she asked that instead of gifts for her that friends bring food or toys for the local animal shelter. It was awesome and we collected a lot of things for the shelter. I've been to Toys for Tots Christmas cocktail parties sponsored by businesses where people were asked to donate gifts (if they chose). I have no problem with that- you can choose not to go or not to bring a gift.

I also hate that at Christmas, I'm expected to play Santa Claus for a bunch of adults that stopped believing in Santa YEARS ago! I think it's time to stop the Santa games each year at Christmas...but then what would the retail stores do, I guess they'd all just close up and go out of business! They certainly have us all brainwashed don't they!?

phoggie said it well: "It is only by the grace of God that it is not me or a family member....and if I can do my small part to help them, I am thrilled to do it."

We've been invited to the home of friends next week after Thanksgiving. We've done this several times in the past. In prior years, guests brought desserts, appetizers, etc. This year they've asked that everyone bring a package of socks to donate to a local homeless shelter instead of food. I actually loved the idea. With so many people bringing food, there were usually lots of leftovers that were often thrown away. That helped no one. I would have made or bought food anyway and a package of socks is certainly no more money than I would have spent on that.

I would normally always take food or a bottle of wine when invited to someone's home, so if they wish for me to bring a donation to help the less fortunate instead, I'm more than ok with that. I do know this couple well and know that they are certainly not looking to shame anyone but are truly trying to help others. We're very blessed. We'll celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday in a warm home with family and plenty of food. On Friday we will attend our friends' party and have the blessing of food and good times with friends. To me, taking a couple of packages of socks is a good reminder of just how very blessed we are and that there are many people not as fortunate.

You been asked to bring "A" package of socks, and now you indicate that you are going to bring "a couple" of packages of socks, what about that person who then brings 10 packages of socks - oneupmanship rears it's ugly head. If I brought any it would be "A" package of socks - as requested.

And for some people this may be all the can or are willing to donate but for others, they may donate a lot more and that isn't anyone's business.

I can understand what you are saying about oneupmanship. I don't see that as the spirit of giving. Some people may outdo everyone else to show off,or because it is expected of them. I also think a lot of people do honestly give for the sake of helping others. It may be a cause they really believe in or they may just have more money and feel like they need to share more.

There is a 'feel good' element to helping others. I've known people who didn't have much, but felt grateful that they had something to offer someone less fortunate because in doing so they realized that they could be in a worse situation. It's not about what others think, but something inside of themselves.

To be specific, the invitation said one or two packages. Oneupmanship? Really?? If someone can afford to bring 10 packages, I would think they were very generous, not feel that they were trying to outdo everyone else. And if I brought two I wouldn't be trying to outdo someone who only brought one package. I sincerely hope and believe that my all my friends who will be in attendance would feel the same way. If someone would bring 10 packages just to show everyone else up, then they have a problem, not the ones who gave less.

I'm involved in a number of situations, often agency related, or more of a public gathering, where a donation of a product for the needy is requested, especially at this season (and in my thought processes ... Thanksgiving [the official one - not of the daily variety] is a memory from early October).

But this is a private party.

As I read these comments, I'm thinking that my feeling would be that it would depend somewhat on how close I felt to the inviter, and how free we were to interact. If it were a good friend with whom I felt quite comfortable, I don't think that I'd mind: I'll bet that it would provoke some discussion beforehand, though.

If the hostess would be content with somewhat used clothing, household goods, etc. that would be less troublesome in my mind, but with regard to new items, I have a different opinion.

Being mischievous, I might hand her a brochure along the line of what I wrote here earlier, "How to get a Dollar's worth of Charitable Value for ... about 50 - 60 Cents", and perhaps write in by hand " ... or even less!").

There are (usually large) boxes by the exit doors of many food stores, with a sign "Donations for the Food Bank" ... with some previously donated food inhabitants looking up at the exiter with smiling faces.

If I buy some non-perishable groceries to drop in there, I choose which ones, which may not be high on the charity's priority list ... and I pay, say, $1.00 retail value.

Around here, for a short time prior to Christmas and once or twice at other times, some of the stores invite us to make a cash donation for a charity at checkout (for some, oftener if it's to go to their in-house charity) . If I give them, say, 80 cents, the charity chooses the items most important to them, and they buy at wholesale price (or maybe less, if the provider gives some, as well) ... but the store gets the tax credit for the charitable donation.

If I visit the charity (granted - extra gas and time, at my cost) and give them about 80 cents cash, they get the money now, can use it today, purchase their high priority items, and get them at wholesale price. In addition ... they give me a receipt for my donation.

When income tax time rolls around (about 4 months for you U.S. folks - 4.5 for us, at April 30) if I'm in 25% marginal tax rate, that 80 cents cost me 25% less, or 60 cents ... and if I'm in a higher bracket, maybe about 50 cents or so - granted, somewhat deferred: but I don't mind waiting - better rate of return than earning interest at the bank. (1)

As for the hand-written " ... or even less!" referred to above ...

I bought a stock 47 years ago for $4.17 per share. If I sold it for its value last year of about $100.00, put the money into the bank and wrote a cheque to a charity for 80 cents, it would have cost me after-tax about the 50 - 60 cents, as noted above.

At income tax time, I'd deduct my cost of $4.17 from the sale price of $100.00, leaving about $96.00 of capital gain, built up over those 47 years. But ... (unless I'd developed some losses to deduct from it) I'd have to add half of that amount, a bit under $48.00, to my taxable income last year, and pay tax at my highest regular rate, about $12.00 or even more on that $100.00 value ... all in that one year.

If I transfer that stock to a charity, I get a receipt for $100.00 ... I pay no capital gain tax on the transaction!

I like them apples better.

ole joyfuelled

1. This has become rather long ... and I'm rather highjacking the OP's post ... so I'd better make my own post for the issue of the law current rates of return on some kinds of investments - sorry - that was supposed to have been "low"! ... dang keyboards! (The amendment does seem somewhat appropriate, though, no?).

o j

We do this, at family gatherings. We use to have a white elephant exchange. Everybody wound up, with junk. Bringing a donation, made better sense.

Im at a loss as to why anyone would object to bringing a donation to an event if requested to do so.. I have to assume that the requested donation is not a big money item and that it will go to a good cause. I would also assume that if for whatever reason you chose not to contribute that would be your decision and not looked down on by anyone. To be concerned about someone using the donations to increase their charitable contributions is just ridiculous imo. I am invited to a New Years brunch every year and we all bring some sort of donation for the animal shelter. I doubt my hosts do this for any reason other than helping the animals.

My family does charity donations at holiday get-togethers, because we all have too much stuff anyway! And my nephew's three kids don't need any more toys (nor do their parents have the room for more anyway, LOL).

One of our friends has an annual fund-raising holiday event in memory of a friend who died of a rare form of cancer. She provides snacks and wine. Minimum donation $5. We give more, as we can afford to.

In fact, that was one of the best things about my DH getting an inheritance this year. We agreed to triple our usual donations, which we spread out to a variety of charities.

I wouldn't object to a dinner party whose entrance "fee" was a can for the Food Bank or socks for the local shelters....although I'm always telling people it's much better to donate cash directly to the Food Banks, since they can leverage cash donations 5-6x in value.

Most Millennials I know are more likely to do the "enter this # in your phone to donate $10" type of donation. They don't even HAVE dinner parties - potlucks, mostly.

@satine, I get bunches of requests from local and national charities, my guess is most of us do. Most of mine have a personal tie-in, like DH male employee who died of breast cancer, etc etc. By the time I get an invitation for a social gathering suggesting a donation (& shaming me for not obliging) it gets to be a bit much. Surely the host or hostess are WELL aware of the calls/letters/TV ads that descend on everybody at this time of year, so isn't the request a bit much?

I think we all have to do what we are comfortable with. I also get tons of requests for donations and choose which to donate to but I certainly don't feel shamed by not donating to everyone. What in the world would your host do to make you feel shamed? Maybe its not the donation but the host you ought to be taking a second look at. Those who choose to give and those who are able to do so should not feel pressured or shamed into it. You did say the donation was a suggestion but didn't say it was required. I think you need to do what you are able and comfortable doing and not feel "required". I hope you are able to enjoy the get together and that nobody has hurt feelings.

Satine, when someone "suggests" a donation for guests at a private gathering....it is not really a suggestion. Why would they suggest a donation if they werent expecting one? That's where the problem lies. If you are part of a club or organization that's one thing. Groups of all kinds do events,parties and other fundraisers for charity all the time,this time of year especially. People are invited to these events for the express purpose of raising money or collecting goods for charity. But if it's a private gathering with a suggested donation...it's already implied that you are expected to give something and EVERYONE there will see you come in empty handed.

I have no problem giving to worthy causes. But they are causes that I have deemed worthy. Not causes that someone has suggested to me in order to get in the door of their dinner party. I have a set amount in my budget that is used for charitable causes, and they are ALL animal related. I have noticed that some people look at me like I have two heads for thinking that these charities are more deserving that those that help people...and to an extent try to shame me that way. I guess sometimes shaming is the only way to get people to open their wallets. But don't try to lure me into donating something by inviting me to your home for dinner. (Even for the fur babies) I would rather cook for myself and yes even do the dishes myself than endure such tackiness in a host.

If u walk empty handed everyone will notice you didn't donate. If donation box is in a very visible place, everyone will notice. Why not keep the gathering 100% social with no such suggestions. Finally, most people have a pretty good profile of what charities they want and do support so do we need our friends to add to the mix? Maybe you strongly support your church, or you have a soft spot for animals, etc, etc that are diff than what ur friend is championing. Do we need our acquaintances to nudge us this or that way when it comes to donating?

Everybody, it's not the sharing and donation that people are objecting to. It's the obligation to come and be seen donating that is uncomfortable.

amylou, bossyvossy, and plllog - Exactly.

never been to a party or celebration, where we've been asked to bring something...but you know the clever hostess might let it be known they're involved with a charity and while not asking, could discreetly have a "gift box or container" where you could donate or leave a cash donation without being asked...my dil has started these snap jewelry she makes and donates the money to the lady who makes dresses for African girls...it has grown simply by word of mouth...and is treated that way...

"blfenton

You been asked to bring "A" package of socks, and now you indicate that you are going to bring "a couple" of packages of socks, what about that person who then brings 10 packages of socks - oneupmanship rears it's ugly head. If I brought any it would be "A" package of socks - as requested.

And for some people this may be all the can or are willing to donate but for others, they may donate a lot more and that isn't anyone's business."

Do you think this is conducted like adult show and tell? Seriously....

You enter the event, there is a box near the door, you drop or don't drop your donation in the box, you continue with the event.

It's really been sad to read so many comments by such insecure and shame based people.

Ok, in my particular case, the hostess had a little blurb at the bottom of the email with FAQ. Of course, the big one was "what can I bring". As I mentioned earlier, in the past this has been like a potluck with guests bringing over dishes to share. It's somehow tacky for my hostess to ask guests to bring a couple of packages of socks INSTEAD OF food? The guests were going to be spending money to buy/make a dish to take. Most of us likely ask our hostess what we can bring when invited to their home. I think that most of us, if invited to a potluck, would feel that we should bring a dish to share. If you asked what you could bring (whether potluck or not) and your hostess asked you to bring a vegetable platter. Would you bring it? Wouldn't you feel obligated in that case to bring the requested item? Exactly what is the difference?

If the hostess' charity is so near and dear to her heart, then why not skip hosting a party and instead allocate budget to buying 1000 pair of socks or toys or whatever. We will understand and meet her for lunch some other time. Me, I'm bored with this circular logic discussion so I'm going shopping for parts for broken bicycles which DH and I will refurbish and QUIETLY take to a donation center. Adios

The difference is that I am being asked to contribute to a charity that I may not be prepared to support for reasons that aren't anyone's business.

Jmc101 - I am very secure in the donations that I may or may not make. And oh yes, charitable donations and sponsoring specific events (or not) most definitely becomes an adult show and tell.

And for all those kids birthday parties where the child decides that they want to donate to a cause instead of having birthday presents - you honestly think that the mom isn't sitting there saying "look how great and selfless and mature my child is and aren't I raising a great human being and won't this look amazing on his/her college admissions application"

Call me a cynic but as far as I'm concerned charitable work and donations is something you do out of a private concern for someone or something. Those who need to make public displays of giving are the ones who are insecure.

I used to have a neighbor that held a party every year for her friends and neighbors. It always had a specific reason. One year it was for a local young man who needed medical expenses. It is always for a good cause, but also a personal one as many would know the recipient .

It was a way for women to get together , we always each brought food, and have quality time.

My cousin was invited to a neighbor who throws a birthday party for herself. But, she also expects that those invited donate money to a refuge group of her choice.

I never feel bad for not giving " just a dollar" at the check out line for this or that. I give to two major organizations, and the rest is up to my discretion.

Two weeks ago, the Girl Scouts were asking for food donations. They had a list and it was comprised of things that could go for a Thanksgiving dinner. Having been a Girl Scout leader, this organization is close to my heart, so of course I filled up a bag to donate to them.

One other that I can't say no to is buying a poppy from the veterans on Veteran"s Day. My DH is a Vietnam vet so that too is close to my heart.

If a hostess expects a donation, I expect a tax receipt!

I agree with jmc101. If you're invited to an event and it's suggested you bring a donation of some such item, if you don't want to, then don't. I doubt someone is sitting nearby taking notes as to who brought what. And who cares? Not everyone's choice of charitable contributions suit everyone. If you feel compelled to explain, just say something along the line that you've already met your charitable donations for the year. But it's really not necessary to say anything. If you don't want to donate, don't let someone else shame you or embarrass you into doing so.

Bifenton, I call you a cynic. ;-)

Bossy....I'm so glad that you announced your project so quietly, lol. Still, a most excellent cause and probably a lot of fun.

I agree with blfenton that those with true charity in their hearts do their deeds and share their funds quietly and with little fanfare.

I don't know what any of my friends' favorite charities are, what they think about who needs what, nor do they know that about me. I hope it stays like that.