My kids are not close enough to be of help on a regular basis, but when they come for the holidays, they have learned to pitch in and help.

I and my sister do help our mom. My brother helps my dad. We all live close to each other?! I think daddy is prone to ask him rather than us, not that we wouldn't help. My mom gets a list going and when I come visit her on Sunday, whatever my sister hasn't done, I do. I'm the finance and medical treatment child. If she needs help with refinancing her house or going to the ER, it's me. As examples. But she will get me to help her with setting up computer stuff too, sometimes. Or change the batteries in the smoke detectors or to cut her toenails or whatever she wants. Sissy does all sorts of cleaning for her, running errands, also does ER stuff, painted and recovered her patio furniture, moves things up and down out of the attic.... whatever she wants and needs. We're pretty good to her, spoil her! I would daddy, but I truly think he wants to keep his stuff between oldest bro and him.

Yep, they sure do. Our son especially. I would not know what we would do without him. I am always available to help keep the grandkids when needed. Once in awhile I take them to give them a break. He is painting the inside of our house down south for us.. I can't wait to see it.. So far the bathroom and kitchen are finished.. Our daughter is coming to help cut more wood for the winter.. That is so helpful now with us getting older...

it is still the other way around. I help the local daughter, and drive to the other one to help when the kids are out of school, and the parents work.

My mom was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers and so we moved her closer to all of her children. I did most of the arrangements - sold her house, found her an apartment, booked the movers, helped her pack, etc,. When she moved down here I found her a doctor, a bank (did all the transfers, setting up the acct, organizing her investment portfolio...) found her a hairdresser, wove our way through the Alzheimer path and got her to her gazillion appts., and now am finding her social activities appropriate for her level of cognitive impairment. Fortunately we have a very active Alzheimers Society with lots of things to do but you still have to tap into the right activity coordinator. If she needs something she calls me and I take care of it whether it be needing new shoes or because she screwed up her computer or tv yet again.

My siblings thank me and my friends say I'm a great daughter. I do it because I'm good at using the internet, researching things and organizing. But I can tell you guys because you don't know me, little do they know that I hate every minute of it.

robb333 - I admire you for your giving nature. It is apparent I missed that gene.

Say what?! You are helping quite deeply blfenton!

My sister is the stronger of the givers. She's the one I really admire.

Oh I do it - but begrudgingly. And I think that's the difference.

blfenton - go easy on yourself. Being a caregiver is demanding and draining. You are there for your mom and that's what matters.

My daughter's spent most of the last 20 years in AZ ... and flew me down there to celebrate 80th birthday with half a dozen family.

I came home with a rather upscale ball cap as a memento - two, actually ... and, stupidly, wore one to a couple of days of money management seminars in Toronto the other day, and lost it: somewhat distressed; it had received little wear.

Son is local, will help if needed ... once came about a mile to take me 20 miles home to get spare car key when I'd thought I'd lost one in trunk ... had checked computer, so knew how to open my trunk without a key by pushing a button by the steering wheel, and found the lost key. I'd only had the car for a couple of years - should one read instruction manuals, do ya figger? He had to come over and demonstrate, rather than relaying instructions over the 'phone (of course).

I'm thankful that I've needed little outside help.

I figure that I can live where I am, about 16 - 20 miles from town, as long as I can drive, for here near the Great Lakes it gets somewhat too snowy, cold and blowy for one to hitch-hike in February ... and even tougher at night, whatever the season.

But there is hope ... they figure that soon those self-driving cars may be available for general use. But, as someone mentioned in conversation the other day ... what kind of a price tag?

And, unless my health holds up for an extended period ... I'd have to buy *new* ... and my last new car purchase (last year's model that had been stored) took place almost 40 years ago.

ole joyfuelled ... thankful to have needed almost no family assistance - thus far

blfenton, I empathize with your feelings. I think you are more of a hero because you do what you do in spite of how you feel.

Our only daughter lives too far from us to be of any help. Hubby and I only have each other to rely on and a dear ex-neighbor who would come to us in an emergency. We have to hire any other help we need.

blfenton- I think all caregivers feel that way, especially with something chronic and degenerative like Alzheimer's.

Those feeling can be magnified if other siblings aren't pitching in and helping as much as you are.

Don't feel guilty, its normal.

Greetings B(etter) (not) L(ost) Fenton,

I was admiring your extensive service to your mother recently in her time of need ...

... until I came to your last line. Then I felt somewhat sad ... and troubled.

While I note that there are others who may be able to help in providing for her needs, with Alzheimer's they are ongoing, and become more demanding ... for who knows how long? And in that situation it isn't an intermittent need.

I hope that you can find a way to help dissipate your frustration and anger, on the one hand in a physical way, whether it be gardening, crocheting, bowling ... pounding pillows on occasion ... or whatever.

Perhaps you know of someone(s) with whom you can share your distress, on occasion, before it becomes overwhelming ... and may break out in an angry outburst that will be not only hurtful to all involved, but deeply regretted by the exploder.

Perhaps you may know of someone who can be helpful to you in making such plans ... which I feel to be quite important, given your current situation. Perhaps a leader in the faith field, as many of them have had not only some training but some experience with such issues ... but check out such a potential person a few times : skirt the issue, until you can determine the depth of compatibility.

A number of us will be sending good thoughts and hopes your way, as you set out on this new journey in your life.

Come and ventilate whenever you feel like it - or a number of us wouldn't mind if you messaged us directly, I'm sure. You'd soon find out, I expect, who were the ones who were amenable to such.

ole joyful

Ok this thread isn't about me but you guys thanks so much. Ole joyful I am taking a seminar series for caregivers (told you I'm good at the research) and the one thing I learned is that child caregivers of parents do have to take time for themselves. I've been running for years first thing in the morning with running partners and unless it's a specialist appt my mom is no longer allowed to interfere in my run which is my de-stresser. My running partners (and me) are great at allowing venting by whoever when needed. It is a big help for all us. Basically, to borrow a phrase, what's said on the trails, stays on the trails.

I think that sort of thing is important for all caregivers whether they be children or spouses. It was pointed out to me that they need to have a specific time, whether it be daily or weekly that they can count on for personal time. It is their time that, except for an emergency, is not to be used as care time and it is important for the person who needs the help to understand that.

Thanks guys for caring! Now, enough about me.....

If I recall correctly, blfenton has previously written about her mother's apathetic and aloof attitude toward her for many years running. Under those circumstances, I personally wouldn't have had any interest in being helpful to a parent like that, and I think a similar internal struggle is what she's alluding to. Or, maybe there's no struggle, she just grits her teeth and does what she has to.

I had a parent like that, his attitude and actions estranged him from his own family and earned my indifference toward him. He died still shouting insults at me. I don't miss him or regret the distance between us in his last 10 years of life. He was on his own, a situation he was entitled to.

None of our kids lives nearby at present (we're still mid-60ish and capable) and I suspect it will mostly stay that way. Our relationships with them are excellent and will remain that way. We have visits often, in both directions. Everyone remembers what a jerk Grandpa was and we all work actively to avoid conflicts.

Our son had a divorce and mental breakdown 3 years ago and we rescued him from a really ugly time. After a few false starts in different living situations, we decided that he needed to be with us full time and it is interesting how it has worked out. I spent any time he would let me, for hours and days and weeks just listening to his broken life and reassuring him that he really was a great person (it sounds almost easy, but it was not as he was in that deep hole of depression and coming off of prescribed drugs that had really messed him up). The great reward of this journey, has been that he has recovered so well and has come thru this event knowing himself better and ready to go on with his life. I guess the down side of that event is that he feels such an obligation to us, as well as become a great caregiver to us as our age and health has gone the way of (now) 80/81 year old folks. DH and I do not have major health issues...we are octogenarians, however and we can't do what we did just a few years ago. We are VERY fortunate in that we have choices while we invent our lives as we go forward.

Thanks for the reply, B L.

I'm thankful that you've made plans to deal with coping with the situation with much reduced stress.

It does add to the complications if someone has had an unsatisfactory or distant relationship with someone who's commonly designated, and supposed to be, a "loved one" and many would withhold reciprocal service (that was somewhat less than "reciprocal") when the ignorer came to a time of need.

But many of us have been somewhat trained to believe that just because someone else had acted like a jerk toward us didn't quite give us untrammeled licence to be an undiluted jerk I return.

Each must decide for him/herself how to relate to another in such a situation.

Which would very likely add extra fuel to the frustration, bitterness and anger that often accompanies such service, especially when it needs to be substantial ... and if others who could help are niggardly at fulfilling such obligations.

Again, good wishes as you set out on this new journey of life experience and the measure of service that you feel that you can undertake.

ole joyful

My daughter has come over to help me but in all honesty, I get more done when she isn't here. My husband helps me. I am glad my daughter is independent and that is a big help to me....knowing she can support herself, etc. She is a city girl and the work around here is hard and messy, and not something she would enjoy doing. I have people come here and want to help....they get in the way because all they really wanted to do is pet the animals.

Our son lives 2-hours away and our daughter lives 12-hours away, so they are not around much. We still do all our own work around the house, or we hire someone if it's something we can't do any longer.

When hubby retires in a few years, we are moving to where our son lives. We will be able to help our son in his business (I'm told retired husbands need to be kept busy), and maybe there will be a little quid pro quo in our declining years ;-). Our son has that kind of big heart for the job. I just wouldn't want to be a burden, and will try to prevent that. Just by moving to the same town would be the big first step. Nothing worse than long-distance caretaking!!!

I was caretaker for my parents (my brother lived next door to them - the prodigal worthless son - and I lived 25-miles away). I also was caretaker for my mother-in-law at the same time (also lived 25-miles away, but in a different town), and I did it for over a decade, and I was their chief driver for all things since they all quit driving about this time. I also had one kid still at home and had a busy home-based business.

Being a caretaker was the most thankless job I've ever done, but as with many things you do in families, you do it because it's the right thing to do. At least I have a clear conscience about it. It seems there is always one person that ends up with the brunt of the burden, and everyone else has good intentions, but poor execution. Even in my husband's family, with 8 kids who could have shared the responsibility, it seems I drew the short straw.

When my parents and mother-in-law died over an 18-month time frame, it was like I was let out of prison. The burden took a heavy toll on me, and you don't even realize it's happening - it's the frog in the water kinda thing. I feel like a decade of my life was taken from me. I'm also sure there will be a special place in heaven for caretakers :-). -Grainlady

This question could not have come at a better time. Both children live close by. The only time we hear from either one of them is when they need something. One, it's Money, the other is child care. I have had it. Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday, now, I think I am not doing it this year. Why should I cook, clean and spend time with these people? Breaks my heart.

Tomorrow two of my daughters and little granddaughter will come over to help me. They will plant flowers and flower bulbs, gather up the trash and haul out to the road, and put fresh batteries in the trail camera and move it to a new location. We will also haul some things to the pole barn to store for winter. I will buy them lunch. They help me and I help them. That is the way our family has always been. We help each other. Most of the time they see things that need to be done and will do it. I know a lot of families that are that way.

Sue

I have three daughters one being about 20 minutes away and I hear from her when she needs me to stay overnight with the kids or get them to a game or practice. I get really sad about the situation but then remember that when my husband died and my youngest daughter turned to drugs and was always in trouble my oldest daughter was there in a heartbeat. She did lots of things like making phone calls to teachers, going to court with me, going into nasty DC looking for her sister. I will never say no to her and she did enough for me to last a lifetime. My middle daughter lives 1.5 hours away and has four little ones so really can't do much but I know if I needed her she would come.

I would do anything for any of them.

terilyn, this is the story I hear/see with most of the people that I know. As I was reading the stories, I kept thinking to myself "the people I know are running to take care of their adult children, not vice versa!"

I am the adult child and I don't do much for them yet because they don't need it. They are in their 50s and still very healthy and active.

However, we live next door to each other so that I can help them as they get older.

All of our utilities are on one bill and I pay the lions share so they have more money to play with, hubby and I try to take care of the yard so they don't have to but they equally help us.

They own the property outright and I'm buying it from them so they carry the mortgage and I have no interest. My mom is willing to watch my little ones when I need it, I prepare all the large family meals, Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, etc.

We just help each other like (in my opinion) a family should.

My brother on the other hand? Ehhh, he will help with the yard, as long as they pay him.

My son and wife live close, so when I have something that I really need done, he will come lend a hand....but I hire someone to do my mowing, gardening, and snow removal. He has his own huge lawn and that takes most of his time when he is not working.

When I was having so much back trouble and surgery, he and my girls ( who live a distance) were here so much and to help me.

I do what I can to help in any way I can for them....mostly fixing meals, which they all seem to appreciate. I do not want to burden any of them and if it gets to the place where I need more help, I will go to the assisted living facility

joyfulguy - You always have such non-blaming words of wisdom. They give me something to think about.

and snidely - You remember well. Ok no more talking about my mom!

nanny98 - What a worrisome road for you and your husband as parents. I'm glad that things have worked out, perhaps though, not was you would have wished for your son when he was a young child.

grainlady_ks - I think that's why most of us do the caregiving of our parents that we do, because it is the right thing to do.

Ohhhh - families.

My daughters help if I ask, and the younger one usually offers before I ask. My son-in-law does anything I ask, immediately, and also offers to help if he comes in when I'm working with power tools. Bless him, I've often said that I wish I'd given birth to him. My son lives several hours away, works two jobs (paramedic & firefighter), and doesn't get home much. If I asked for help he'd be there, though--he was the one who helped most when they were young.

I'm a helpful daughter and daughter-in-law, and at this point in my life I'm happy that I have the time to do it. I know how hard it is to ask for help, so I never say no. My mother used to whine about how hard it was to have, feed, clothe, and transport 5 kids, but now that she's needed us for two health crises in the last two years, she's darned grateful that we exist.

My daughter lives 40 minutes away, and my son is my nearest neighbor. I'm lucky that way, and also blessed to have a wonderful son-in-law and daughter-in-law. All are helpful to me, but I take particular advantage of the proximity of my son. I hope I'm helpful sometimes in return.

My dad died in 1968 and I took care of my mother until she died in 1997. Seldom got a kind word from her. Then I took care of an elderly friend for 8 years. He lived 20 miles away and had family that lived all around him but no one lifted a finger to help him....perhaps because they knew I would do it and didn't come around for fear I'd ask them to do something. I went to his house every day. In his final days, as often as four times a day, even sleeping on a mattress on his floor and I was with him when he died. I also raised my daughter and was active in her activities at school, etc. So when she went away to college, and my mother died, and Ken died, I decided I was going to do something for myself. I can so relate to what Grainlady wrote about the toll it takes on you. It was a long time before I could realize that I didn't have to jump up and run to see about Ken or sleep there and clean his house and make sure he had something to eat. That is when I decided to buy myself another horse...one I could ride...my other horses were old and long retired. Now I do just about anything I want to do. I don't ask anyone to help me...and the time I spend with my daughter is just fun times...eating out and visiting.

I could have written grainladys post I feel like 15 years of
my life has been taken away from me. I have the totally useless brother and
narcissistic sister. Sister lives 3 houses away from my parents but would call
me to see if they were ok. Brother would visit once a year and you would think
God was coming.

When my mother was sick and dying my sister who had never
lifted a finger tried to dictate everything. I still feel guilty about not getting
in her face enough but I have always been the good daughter who walked on egg
shells and kept the peace.

Both fought me when I was trying to get dad, 93, to go into
assisted living he didn’t want to go but could hardly walk and couldn’t cook
for himself anymore. They all lied to me about him being just fine, including
him, I knew better but he didn’t want to go so I lost that battle. It turned
into a true love hate relationship so much so that when my father died I didn’t
even cry I was just glad that I had my life back.

Needless to say I never see either of my siblings and only
talk to them when I have absolutely have to. Still almost 2 years later I have
to finish settling the estate. One last property to go and I am free of them. But
I know I did the right thing by being the caregiver for my parents as much as
it hurt me and ran my life for years.

My DD would do anything for me but I have told her I will
put myself in a home before I do to her what happened to me.

I have one daughter and one son. Son lives a day's drive away so his helping is limited. My daughter is about 5 miles away so she has taken on the job of helping me. Fortunately, I don't need help (yet) except to get to doctor appointments. My across the street neighbor recently asked me if my daughter helps me with my housework. I had to laugh about that because she (my daughter) does the least possible housework even for herself to the point that it is a joke between us. I told her what my neighbor asked me and she had a good laugh about that also. She told me about a little saying about house work she had read recently: There is not enough intellectual stimulation in it for me to do housework. Fits her exactly; she is very much into things intellectual. She helps me in so many small ways though. Tomorrow she will pick up my pills at the pharmacy, bring them to me, and help me with measurements, etc. and order the sweats online that I mentioned in another thread. All help is so very much appreciated. I would be lost without her.

There are four of us kids, and we help whenever we are asked. My parents have some health issues but are still every independant, and have made most arrangements so that things are taken care of without us. We have pitched in for bigger projects for sure, without even being asked. Packing and moving, holidays, they both drive still but sometimes need rides to certain appointments and so on. With four of us plus spouses (and now grandchildren that can drive) usually there is always somebody that can lend a hand if needed. Yardwork and snow removal is included in the neighbourhood they live in. Heavy cleaning is done by a cleaning lady. Prepping before and cleaning after holidays we all pitch in.

Also, my grandmother is in her nineties and had to give up driving. She lives in the same neighbourhood so yard work and snow removal are taken care of. She hates to cook for herself, but also does not like to reheat food. Most meals she goes out with a child, grandchild, great grandchild, etc. lolol! If I go to the polish grocery store I always bring her herring, rye bread, kielbasa, and so on. When I make bread I bring her a loaf or a pan of rolls. We are all like this. She has a cleaning lady (well, several as she is picky and changes often). She still does her own laundry (one floor house, laundry right next to bedrooms, and both raised front loading machines).

My DH's mother is completely dependant, although she does not have to be. She won't mail a letter in the box two houses down from hers by herself. She wants every leaf raked as it falls NOW. But she wants DH to do it. Not me. Not a stranger. She did not raise her son to be caring or helpful, so she is in quite a bind. When DD goes to help out or visit, she leaves in tears...all her grandmother does the whole time is berate her for not visiting more often and says mean things about her clothes and hair. She made her bed......

Dances.

Our oldest son helps when he can but our grandson helps the most. He is 25. Our other son does help when he comes to visit. My sister also helps since I am sick and need the help. My hubby and I appreciate it very much.

I help my 84 year old almost blind mother who lives about an hour away a good bit. It is hard on both generations when the roles reverse and often the older generation resists much needed help which makes it harder on their children who see them struggling. With my Mom it took things getting bad enough and so difficult for her to do before she would accept help graciously rather than grudgingly. She can be, and still is, independent in many ways, but there are some areas in which her disability has robbed her of her ability to take care of her needs and I think at times she displaces her resentment on me (and others). But we are working through it.

If I could give any advice to my future me, it would be to accept help graciously, and arrange my life for the time when I need help to make it as easy as possible physically and emotionally for my DD when the time comes. We are at a stage where we don't need help, but DD and her DH certainly do their share of pitching in when we ask their help on something.

My husband and I have always helped out with our parents. We involved our kids and they knew it was part of being a family. My parents are now gone after a long illness with my mom and now just MIL left with heavy needs. My sons do her finances (she also owns several rentals), my husband shops and visits helps with cooking, I take care of the medical needs. Despite 24 hr care, there is so much to do.

We believe our sons learned to care because they saw what we did and it was natural. My older son has since married and had to take a job out of state, but still calls and talks to his GM every Friday, and she loves it. I believe they will naturally come to lend us a hand when the time comes.

Blfenton, and all of you with kids set a wonderful example that, oftentimes, will reap what you sow.

I pretty much left my job & home over an hour away when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. She really needed help and to have an advocate at all her appointments. Both of my brothers lived much closer, but had children at home and careers that did not leave them as much flexibility. I had moments of resentment, especially toward their lack of help, but in the long run I did what I knew needed to be done and that mom was more comfortable with me handling her needs.

I did the right thing, I couldn't have done anything else and be able to live with myself. It was a hardship and there were moments that all I wanted to was give up, curl up and cry. In those moments, all I could do was walk away and pray for a moment of peace. I did manage to hire a couple of caregivers so that I could take a break and go home for a day or two. The appalling thing was when one of my brothers contested that expense, yet was unable or unwilling to sacrifice his time to help. Pretty much left my home, my job and my life to be with my mother and help her, she died a week before her 70th birthday, seven months after her initial diagnosis. I could do nothing less for her...

terilyn you seem to have children like my DH and me. He has a son and I have a daughter. They only call when they need something. The son calls when he needs money. the daughter calls when she needs a babysitter. They do call a little when its close to their birthday or holidays because they know they're going to get money. I hold all the holidays at my house. Neither one of them has a great place. The son (37 yrs.) still lives with his mother. Now he's been to rehab a few times. My daughter (39 yrs.) been in rehab more times than I can count. She use to work, but now her excuse is she want's to raise her youngest daughter (she'll be 4 soon) We have been making sure our grandkids have clothes for school. In fact we been buying their clothes since the oldest was born (she's almost 17). My husbands theory is the hell on her but at least the kids will have decent clothes and shoes for school. We also buy double christmas and birthday and easter gifts, so they can at least have a good birthday and holiday. Oh, and no they do not help us at all. I'm almost 64 and he's 70. I'm still working. I need to so the kids can have decent clothes. But I did tell my DH that the day will come when I will not be working and will not be able to support her. HIs son has a son (17 yrs.) who lives with his mother. We don't do anything for him because he doesn't even acknowledge us. Plus he has a bunch of relatives that take care of him. My DH sent him a birthday card with $50 but we never received a thank you note or call. Just one time I would like to just quit everything and see what happens.

My mother and father were in their 40's when I was born, so by the time my dad passed away, the two brothers and sister were busy with their families and by the time she was old and frail....they were all on social security too....rather, they were all old too. So all of her care fell to me. The last 6 1/2 years of her life, my sister visited her twice and one brother visited her six times. My other brother lived in Indiana so he couldn't even come at all. I remember one time the brother in Indiana called to get one of her recipes and I didn't mention her, waiting on him to ask about her, and he never did. Likewise, I ran into my other brother, who lived in the same town, and told him he needed to come see her because she wasn't going to last much longer. We were in the supermarket, and he never took his eyes off the shelves. Never said a word. I turned and walked away. He caught up to me a couple of aisles over and said, "the reason I don't come to see her, she doesn't know who I am." I said, "It doesn't matter....YOU know who she is!" Funny thing....this was my mother's favorite child....she would do anything for him. She used to give him $40 to drive her to the store, one mile away, and he was sorry enough to take the money. I was so mad that I swore I would never tell them when she died, but I did. We paid for her burial but at the time, money was tight and we didn't pay for a funeral. For one thing, she had outlived all of her friends and I wasn't going to pay for a funeral for my brother and sister to show up or for her grandchildren, who had never been close to her, except my daughter. I know exactly what she would have said about it...."You buried me like an old dog." Well, sorry. I did all I could do. Now, my brother....the favored one? He went crying to his church that we couldn't afford a funeral for his mother and they took up a donation for him. What did he spend it on? Himself, evidently. He at least could have put the date on her grave stone, which she already had. Nope. And then he called me to ask about any antiques she might have had. My mother gave all of her best things away before she got old and sick. I got two things that belonged to her....her old barrel shaped flour jar and her cookie jar.

When the years of caregiving occurred, my parents were in a different state. Unfortunately, everything fell to my one sister who lived nearby. My siblings and I did do our share financially, but it is difficult when you are so far away.

Tensions do mount. I don't know what the future will bring, but I hope to stay independent for a very long time.

I have wonderful children and they do help me. When my husband was alive and well we helped them whenever we could. When he was ill and now that he is gone my 3 sons and my daughter make sure I am taken care of. I help them too when I can. I helped my daughter do her canning this year. They are wonderful to me and so are their spouses.

Oh my, when I read some of these, my heart breaks for you whose children seem to treat you so badly...you are their parents who gave birth to them, took care of them, fed and clothed them, and now when you need some help, they turn their backs on you. I have been so blessed!...and I wish the same for all of you. Life can be so hard when we get older....and what goes around, comes around...

Unfortunately the holidays bring forth reminders of family issues, interpersonal conflicts, and historical baggage. Not everyone in everyone's family gets along, not everyone does what others expect or desire, yada yada. It's too bad but for most people, such issues aren't new issues and at some point, when remediation efforts have failed, it's time to move on from letting such problems be a downer.

The fault isn't always with the kids, nor always with the parents, as an example. Some of you have told stories of having had cruel or indifferent parents, others about having problems dealing with kids who seem to not allow for mutuality in relationships. Among all the situations some of you have mentioned are probably all the possible permutations.

People don't get along and act nice to one another simply because they're related, you all know that. Sometimes, it's the family relationship itself that can lead to jealousies, conflicts, etc. Relationships that are built mostly on feelings of guilt or obligation, or expected to be so, are rarely successful.

phoggie - There are two sides to every story.

I too,can add to the heartbreak tales,but won't this time around.What I "will" say is that I almost think me,Snidely and Partst are related ;)

marilyn_sue No. There are 4, 36 to 45 yrs. old. The youngest lives a mile away. I don't need much help right now. I help the kids. The oldest recently broke off all contact with his father and me because of how he made judgements based on assumptions and "can never understand." Well, yeah, you can never understand if you won't even talk to either of us. . . .

What a fascinating post! Many baring their hearts and feelings which, prayerfully, helps healing. Many finding release and surely some comfort by learning they are not alone in this difficult parent-child situation. My heart goes out to each and every one who has suffered and feels deprived, as I fully understand. My care-giving was for an unappreciative parent who clearly preferred my missing siblings. This is an accepted fact of life, more than a "poor me". Today I am cared for by a devoted son without whom I probably could not exist as he fulfills my needs without question. Never do I fail to show my appreciation. Never do I omit the simple words "thank you". Constantly I give thanks for him and for his giving ways and goodness. May karma come true for him and others.

sad to say we've helped more than they have helped us...we don't ask, and they don't offer, sigh...dh is his dad's poa, and I dread doing that for anyone...I did for my mother but not long, as she passed just about the time she went on hospice...a dreadfully short 3 days...it was as if she totally gave up...

I don't have kids but I spend a lot of time helping my elderly parents, one of whom is quite ill. I have two brothers who live about 1000 miles away and they manage to come and visit once every three years or so. That's kind of annoying to me since our parents are in their mid 90s. I'm not quite sure what they're waiting for, I know it's not because their schedules are too busy. Today I am busy ferrying one of my parents' cats back-and-forth to the vet for a procedure, which will rack up about 100 miles on my car just today and consume the better part of my day. It would certainly be more helpful if my siblings came to visit more often and helped out a little.

My son has watched the house/dogs on my last vacation. My daughter does some things when she comes home, like change light bulbs in the garage and hallway that are high up and easier for a younger person to get to than me...and she crawls under the house to change the filter in the heat pump. My son lives in another city about 30-40 minutes away. He's working night shift now and hoping to go to Japan next year so he may be even further away. ) :