Mboston, your post made me cry! Thank you so much for posting a message to me. It's been an exhausting few months of waiting and more waiting and I just didn't have it in me to write up a huge post with no real information except maybes and more maybes. I also had a small email issue with someone here on Gardenweb and she tipped me over so I haven't logged back into my emeraldisle email since then. The gall of some people sometimes. But I shouldn't let that take away from all of you wonderful people. :) I saw my oncologist at the end of March after seeing the fertility specialist the week before. We needed my oncologist to give us specifics on time (she gave me until September to get pregnant!), we needed her to say if I could carry the baby or if it would have to be a surrogate (she said I definitely can carry the baby!), I stopped taking the Megace that same day (so the worry is the cancer will definitely grow back but there is no way to determine how fast and/or aggressive it will be) and it's a no to any hormone treatments to stimulate eggs as my cancer is hormone dependent. So...after stopping the Megace, I had to wait for my cycle to reset itself (I hadn't had one since June) and then the fertility testing would start. 6 months seems like a lot of time but really it's not! I got my cycle and then 2 days later had to get to the fertility doc for blood tests and an ovary ultrasound for them to count the eggs. It was a couple of days after the marathon bombing and it was overwhelming (to put it mildly) to have the armed National Guardsmen and their Hummer vehicles standing outside Mass General. I actually starting crying at the sight of them as this is the world we live in now and I'm trying to bring a baby into the world. And my heart broke knowing I was thisclose to the victims that were brought to MGH. Of course during the ultrasound I hear everything the doctor doing the procedure (not my doc) is telling the nurse. So I mentally make my notes and I'm googling everything on my phone before we even leave the hospital. My appointment with my doctor was the following week to discuss results. I only have 3 eggs on each ovary (low for someone my age not in menopause) and one of my hormones is very low. My doctor told me not to panic yet as it doesn't mean that I can't get pregnant naturally, it's just not ideal for egg retrieval. Plus he can't give me hormones to stimulate any more eggs due to the cancer. My doctor is so sweet, he's determined to help me and says he thinks about my case all of the time and what he can do for me (safely of course!). He's never had a case with my variation of issues so it's a first for him and his staff. I was talking to one of my cousins (she's a nurse at MGH) and she said these one of a kind cases get a lot of attention as it's both a challenge and an opportunity for them, so that made me happy. My doctor decided to wait until my next cycle (whenever that would be as I don't have a real cycle schedule) and re-test everything to confirm the numbers. I figured it would be 4 weeks or so, turns out it was just 3 weeks later. So I went again last week for another ultrasound (still only 3 eggs on each ovary) and more bloodwork. I go back at the end of this month to see what the next step is. I also saw my OB/GYN last month and she said I'm the most determined patient she's ever had and can't believe how much I've been through in the last year trying to figure this all out. She said if I end up pregnant after all of this, she will make sure my story makes it into a medical journal as it deserves to be. I told her I'm just doing what I can, it's all I know how to do. I never ever give up without a fight! So, in a nutshell, here I am! Still patiently waiting and worrying about only having 4 months left now to get pregnant. My oncologist is allowing me to wait 6 months for my next D&C as she felt confident to do that. I trust her literally with my life and I know she wouldn't allow it if she wasn't ok with it. It's definitely a risk I'm taking but my husband and I talked it all out and it's what I wanted to do. At this point, what is 6 months. (I hope I don't regret those words!) Mothers Day this year was really hard for me, I didn't expect it to be so emotional. It was like I was mourning something I never had. My mom went to my brother's house and I decided against it. I felt bad but I had a long talk with my mom and she said she understood. I haven't seen anyone in my family for a few months and I didn't want a million questions about everything plus I didn't want to take away from it being my mom's and my brother's MIL holiday. And...I definitely didn't want to have to stop by my in-laws house. My mother-in-law and I are on the outs as I couldn't take the pressure of the constant texts asking how I was doing, wanting all the details, etc. I know she cares about me but I finally had to tell her this was between me and her son and no one understands the stress I have right now. I know she's angry but it's really too bad. I have no room in my life for drama at the moment! You ladies are so sweet. I still read here all of the time, I just didn't have it in me to post. But now you sure got an earful (or would that be an eyeful!). All of your prayers, good vibes and thoughts are on my mind every single day. I couldn't have made it this far without people like you sending up your prayers to the big man upstairs. :) You have no idea how thankful I am for you. This post was edited by emeraldisle624 on Tue, May 14, 13 at 12:46

Oh, Donna, thank you. This all happened in 2006, and in general hub and I have sunny dispositions. We are enjoying each other. We have a lot to be thankful for - six terrific kids, six little gkids, the cancers are being held at bay, nephew is in remission. I must admit that I sometimes feel sorry for myself. I even get mad at people who think it's all "outlook" but haven't been really tested. But then I get mad at myself for not understanding those people. After all, every life has its ups and downs, and frankly, while mine is extremely complicated now, raising kids, juggling schedules, working, etc., seem like a walk in the park to me now. I feel awful for my poor mother. She is aware of her situation and completely helpless to do anything about it. And except for keeping her company, there is nothing I can do, either. I am grateful to the nursing home staff for the excellent care Mom receives. But her day-to-day boredom and mental anguish is impossible to alleviate. She's been three years in this prison. I am afraid. I worry always about money and health now. I worry that I will end up like my bright, talented mother, or that hub or I will be in great pain without the money to get meds. As two happy people who have never been worryers, this is different. And we don't like it. But we're planting our garden, taking walks, loving each other and our kids. That's a lot, and we are both grateful for it. But it's complicated, hard, the glass is both empty and full, and things are almost completely out of our control. I've come to think that life is a crapshoot. We lived carefully, happily, honestly, consciously, ethically, prudently, etc., and the roof caved in. C'est la vie. Thank you. Sherry

I've been thinking about this a lot since it was first posted. I'm not sure I'll be very coherent, but my rambling will make sense (mostly) in my head. We bought this house/property 5.5 yrs ago, it was a neglected house, but the lot was to-die-for (middle of town, near a great park, LARGE (for in town), 7 minute commute to work, on a corner, with lots of mature trees). We stalked it for years prior while the old lady went off her rocker (sadly not exaggerating) as we lived just 2 blocks away. So that's part of our crazy plan- to not contribute to sprawl (it just makes me sad). I live in an area of the most fertile soil in the world- we should not be building houses here. So doing a demo/in-fill makes my heart feel a little joy. We want to create a legacy for our children. I know they may move away and not want this house when we die, but I hope it can be paid for and provided to them as an inheritance. Or maybe they'll want it b/c we're hoping it really creates a love of 'home' and family. We hope to do a lot of the work ourselves (being big DIYers and having done almost everything to the 2 homes we've lived in) and hope to involve the kids in some of that work so that they have some ownership. I really want to create a home with minimal maintenance as the last 2 homes have been non-stop with one thing or another. Like today when our kitchen sink was running slow and after snaking it it was fine- only to go to the basement and realize all water was now backing up from the floor drain. As if mowing, trimming bushes, and cleaning off the back porch from winter wasn't enough to keep us busy today. So new construction is a must. I get water in the basement every time it rains, the joists are termite eaten, there's adequate space (another 200 sq ft would be PERFECT), but it's not built for accessibility for overnight guests and my FIL is in a wheelchair (as is MIL, but she doesn't stay with us) and my mother has had 2 hip replacements and 2 spine surgeries. 1st floor guest room is also a must. When we bought this house we interviewed architects to see about an addition and major remodel- for 17K more the builder/designer could demo the existing house and build the same sq footage as a shell, BUT NEW (my eyes and ears and back like the sounds of that!). That sold us on living here and making do with 3 layers of wallpaper in the dining room, floor that are mushy, a 1 person kitchen, no tub, on and on and on. So we're living in the house until it's paid off so that we can get more of what we want. In the meantime we will continue to play around with plans and have done lots of reading and research. There are some things we'll be able to re-use- some light fixtures, the garage door opener, faucets, all the appliances, and I'm hoping to buy some things in advance and just store until needed. My husband and I agree on quality over quantity. We don't want a McMansion, we both want a rectangle (Colonial). Preferably one that's more energy efficient than our current home (not hard to do), and keeps us warm/cool/dry. A place to live in for as long as I can conceivably live alone (my grandma made it to 95 with her hardy Midwestern genes). The most current set of tinkering plans have very little in the way of compromise- I think if we can do that and actually build the thing we can call it a success and check something off our bucket list while drinking coffee sitting in our screened-in porch on a Sunday morning knowing all we have to do is mow and trim bushes (and maybe clean off said porch :)).

I had similar shock about parents still living. The parents of one of my brother's lifelong friends came to his gathering. The friend, who passed years back following a motorcycle accident, was the same age as my brother. My parents died in 1975 and 2000. Someone told me this guy's parents were coming and I was shocked to think his parents were still alive. I was so happy to meet them and I couldn't help but saying "you're so young" when I met them. I guess that was better than "you're still alive". I was just in the mindset that the parents of people my age are no longer with us though of course that's not true in many cases.