My mother who also had alzheimers and was in and out of various places,was also a non violent person. Very mild mannered and you would never expect her to be violent. But something would trigger her outbursts. She could clear a table in seconds and take on people who would look like someone from her past. One woman(staff member)was smacked by mom because she reminded mom of my dad's new wife. Mom did not remember hitting her or clearing the table but it drove my sister crazy because this was not our mom. She was also taken to a local hospital to be evaluated. Finally put in a nursing home where she had a non verbal resident as a roommate. Sadly mom passed away about 6 months later.

I can understand how you are feeling as my father died of cancer two and a half months ago. Seeing him suffer was incredibly difficult and I felt angry that I was totally powerless over his illness. The best thing I did was go to all our favourite walking places etc and write down how I felt about him, how grateful I was for having him as a father, funny memories etc. I also added that he needn't worry about me when he was gone because he had been a good father and example to me and because of this I was equiped with the strength, tools and love to handle whatever life threw at me, good or bad. I returned home to his bedside and read the letter to him, unedited, with tears pouring down my face and at the same time worrying that he might think I was being over emotional and trying to 'hurry him off'. He didn't. After I had finished he read the letter himself and when he had finished I asked him what he thought - he said " I am over the moon". More tears and a big hug. I miss him terribly and have been through every grief stage in various stages and forms over and over again...however, when I am feeling really sad the thing that makes everything seem better is the surety that he knew exactly how I felt about him and knew he was very much loved by me. That was and is enough. Sometimes we can presume that our loved ones know exactly how we feel about them. He died three months after I wrote that letter and it released something between us and I was able to just 'be' with him. I felt closer to him somehow. Go to your father with your heart open, talk to him, show him some love,go with the flow and be yourself.

Thanks for reinforcing what I thought... I did what I believed was right, and what I would hope they (or someone else) would have done if the tables were turned. I think it was unreasonable to expect that dad always has control over work requirements.... and I dn't think it's realistic to expect them to pay for 3 tickets to come out here to keep the original plan with the daughter. Luckily, I was not scheduled to work the day in question... if I had been, they would have been in a real pickle... and truthfully I would have stressed until I knew that she had arrived safely at school... their daughter was in my care... I feel responsible for her while she's in my care... when I let her and my daughter go out and do things, I'm feeling responsible for their daughter too... I know my husband also has no control over his work schedules some times... and boy does he let me know when it causes me grief... IF I give him any over the unplanned chaos it causes... so I really don't understand where he was coming from on this... the neighbor... we were just chattting on what's been going on lately and I said oh I drove daughter and friend upt o school on Monday for the day... and she just went off on my... mind you this is the same neighbor who has asked me to keep her 9YO for 5 days while the rest of the family travels out of town to watch college hockey playoffs... and who called me today to ask could I pick up her 9yo after a school event this afternoon as she would not be home... how could she tell me I was being walked on when she's asking for favors herself???? I will never understand people!

The problem is that, in most cases, the choice is NOT give me liberty to do what I want no matter how dangerous or give me a quick and hopefully painless death doing it. It's that the elderly stubborn hard case is going to cause him/herself enough damage that it will then become the family's enormous burden to take care of him/her once the inevitable emergency ensues. And that is IMO the core of the selfishness exhibited by all these old folks who refuse to admit they can no longer do what they want, and who are determined to pretend they aren't old. We went through exactly this process with my MIL. She was insistent she could and so what she wanted to do. After her third(!!) hip fracture caused by refusing to acknowledge her balance and physical abilities were fading, we were told bluntly by a case worker that if she showed up in an ER with another fracture the doctors would be required by state law to report us to the elderly abuse hotline. And that is why she is now in assisted living, still insisting that this is the most awful fate that could ever befall anyone and that she is perfectly able to go home and live just as she wants to. The woman can no longer walk unaided because of the damage caused by her falls and her dementia has progressed to the point at which she cannot retain a thought longer than 30 seconds. But by god she is just fine to be living independently, at least if you ask her. No matter how invincible you think you are, at some point if you have anyone in your world who is going to have to take care of you or bear the brunt of your foolishness, it's time to give in. Sadly as many of these stories illustrate, selfish and stubborn elderly people are all too often adamant in refusing to face reality.