I guess as long as you don't mind doing it, it's not being walked on. But why couldn't the girl's mom bring the boys with her to pick up her daughter? I don't understand that part - did I miss something?

It sounds like you are being a good person, and if it is a one-time thing, It is nice that you can be accomodating. It is a nice trait of yours, to be able to understand the situation these people found themselves in. Like I said, if it is a one-time thing. Dottie

I agree with Dottie.

I assume she was going to fly out to pick her daughter up, and then take her daughter to school however she planned to get herself and her daughter to the school from your house (still flying?). In which case, she couldn't bring the boys on the plane, and they would have stayed home. With dad having to leave, she couldn't very well bring the boys on the plane with her. Right? I am wondering how they sit financially since her daughter is in boarding school. If they sit well, she could have brought the boys on the plane too, which would have been a very costly trip.

At any rate, I think it was very nice of you. I really don't see how you were being walked on or what hubby is upset about. The only other alternative is the daughter would have had to miss school today in order for mom to take her today while the boys are in school.

I think you did a terrific favor for your daughter's friend and her mother, Plumbly. I really, really hope the mom appreciates it and is planning to pay you for at least the gas you used.

I think Mom is in MN and the girl needed to get back to boarding school, Angela. I could be wrong though!

I think you would feel a bit more resentful, were you truly being "walked on."
I think you'd sound more annoyed.

We all take care of one another's children. That's what being in a community, being part of the village, is all about.

Sometimes, we never get paid back directly--maybe this mom won't ever be in a position to help YOU out in a similar way.

But maybe she'll be in a position to help someone else, and will do so.

If she were the sort of person who regularly took advantage, it would be reflected in the answer.

Was there something in the way you told the story, etc., that led DH and the neighbor to sense a resentment you haven't expressed to us?

If not, then I think they should shut up and let you enjoy the good feeling that comes from having been helpful.

And part of that good feeling is recognizing how inconvenienced you were, actually, isn't that funny? it feels better to give an "expensive" gift than to give a "cheap" one, doesn't it?

So enjoy the feeling of having performed a very valuable good deed.

You can know that you made one harried mom's life SO much better, because she didn't have to worry about her 16yo; her child was safe in your hands.

I'm a Christian, so I take the idea of "loving one another" and "serving one another" seriously. If I could do it without great pain, I'd do this. Probably, even it was really hard, I'd do this, because the stakes are just so high. If she could have gotten on a single bus that would go to the school's town, and they had a shuttle bus, or taxis were easy, then *maybe* I'd let a 16yo travel by herself. Maybe.

Also, I can see that the drive, etc., could be sort of fun. I'd certainly find a way to make it enjoyable.

Personnaly I think the girls Father needs a kick in the butt and a long lecture about priorities and parental responsibilities.

His business travel is what put everybody in this situation. I understand people have to work but sometimes other things are just more important, like your children. Is this trip more important than his 16 year old? Than his boys?

Nobody is indispensible and he should have re- arranged his schedule or just said no. I would be p'd if I were your husband too just for the fact that it was okay for you to be inconvienced but not her Daddy.

I think you did a wonderful thing for this girl and her family. I agree you should be paid for your gas, lunch, etc., but if that doesn't happen you can at least feel good knowing the girl is safe.

How would your neighbor and husband feel if you hadn't taken her and something awful had happened to her?

I say GOOD FOR YOU!!!

If you did the offering of driving her up, then, NO, you were not walked on.

If you were asked to drive her up, then you were imposed upon, but you could have declined.

I guess, what I am trying to say, it depends on how you look at it, and really, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Moni

No, you're not being walked on. You're helping someone out in a pinch. You're being a good person.

I'm another one who says "GOOD FOR YOU"...things happened...there wasn't much of a better solution then what you did...(((YOU ARE A GOOD MOMMY!!)))

Mom/dad and the boys are/were in MN.... we are in MA... Mom had planned to fly to MA Monday morning (boys staying home and going to school... dad home with them in the mornings and evenings)

Mom was to take daughter to 2 schools Monday and Tuesday and then drop to school Tuesday night and return to MN by plane on Wednesday.

Unless she took the boys out of school for 3 days and then paid for 3 airline tickets... she could not keep the original plans... Dad has a VERY high job at a company in MN... I'm going on a limb here and ASSUMING that it was a trip he could NOT avoid... since I know he caught crap form the wife about the plan change....

I'm not put out by doing the drive yesterday... I'm more wondering if I was oblivious to being used... especially after my neighbor went up one side of me this morning and down the other about it.... really... I thought I was being polite and considerate...

I'd hope that if the tables were reversed that whoever had my 16 YO would insure she arrived safely where she needed to go.... I did for them what I would want someone to do for me... I'm surprised that my husband and then this neighbor were so vocal about it being wrong... and just wanted some other opinions one way or another on it....

They have offered to pay for gas... lunch... my time... etc... I may take them up on the gas money.... but truth be told I had an enjoyable, if long, outing with my 16 yo daughter and one of her friends... what I heard during the trip was more than I may otherwise ever hear from both of them, so it wasn't a bust in that perspective :)

You did a wonderful, thoughtful and caring action. My question is - do YOU feel walked on? If you don't and did it truly from the heart it doesn't matter what other people think. I believe we all should look out for each other - your kind of action builds community and makes this world a better place to live in.

I had to go to Toronto from Ottawa at 14 to take care of my very sick sister at UofT because no one else could go. My parents let me go soley based upon the fact I had been many times to visit by bus and I knew where I was going. At 14 - 16 I would have been extremely nervous about not getting lost in unfamiliar territory. Not to mention, unlike adults, kids don't have credit cards for emergencies if something happened. If she did travel alone - who would have been available to help if she called? You took care of her like you would your own daughter. I lost my cousin when she was 18 to a serial killer - no one was able to drive her to work and she was stuck that day.
G*d Bless you. She is safe.

Plumbly22, I think you summed up exactly what I was going to say. I would have done exactly as you did because not only is that what a friend does for a friend but if one of my loved ones were to find themselves in a jam like this I would hope that someone would help them out.

Pay it forward!!

I think it is an incredibly nice thing that you are doing, but I do sort of feel that you are being taken advantage of. Emergencies do happen and friends have to jump in, but this doesn't sound like an emergency... It sounds like an unorganized family with if-y priorities. It really seems like you were put in the middle of a bad situation and that they probably more or less were expecting you to help. I see no reason why she couldn't bring her boys... did I miss something? I don't like it when people 'expect' others to help with their children. Expecting 'the village' to help raise your children is the wrong attitude. If you have children they should be your responsiblity, IMHO. Still, though, it is really nice that you have offered to so generously help. Hopefully they don't do this sort of thing a lot and it won't cause too much friction between you and your husband.

I agree with the above posters. I don't think they took advantage of you. You were a good friend when they needed one. Taking advantage of you would include this happening multiple times with no offers of compensation.

You did that family a very nice favor. You are a good person, be proud of yourself!

I think you did a favor for your daughter's friend.
IMO...all you've proved is that you're a nice person who will take a day out of your schedule that will help someone, with no disruption to any activity of yours or your family.

I don't blame the child's father...there are business trips that cannot be rescheduled.

I don't think you're being walked on. You showed that you are a good mother, and you care for your DD's friend's safety. I agree with Jannie, you are a caring, helpful person.

I think you did a lovely favor & had that quality time with your child, to boot. Emergencies happen & good friends help out in a pinch..

I'd hope that if the tables were reversed that whoever had my 16 YO would insure she arrived safely where she needed to go.... I did for them what I would want someone to do for me...

Exactly!!!

That's what I meant about, we all help each other out, and your helping this child is a "deposit" in the goodwill bank.

And, this wasn't a stranger or a casual acquaintance. This was a close friend, staying w/ you for week a HALF A CONTINENT AWAY FROM her parents.

Of course you took on a bigger obligation when you invited her to your home (or accepted her as a guest).

She's a minor; you are the nearest grownup with a "stake" in her welfare.

In a way, you agreed to be part of that girl's support team.

I meant to add--take the gas money.

This family probably knows that they imposed on you, and they will feel less like "users" or "takers" if you let them bear some of the costs. Let them contribute. (esp. w/ the cost of gas nowadays!)

It's an expense they would have had to bear if Mom *had* been able to come; you're not asking them for anything extra that's not already in their budget.

You do what you feel is right, and yes husband's do get upset no matter which way the situation goes, but the neighbor should stay out of it as she probably does not know the whole story/situation unless you and her are very good friends and you have kind of complained and she misinterpreted the situation.
Good luck

Thanks for reinforcing what I thought... I did what I believed was right, and what I would hope they (or someone else) would have done if the tables were turned.

I think it was unreasonable to expect that dad always has control over work requirements.... and I dn't think it's realistic to expect them to pay for 3 tickets to come out here to keep the original plan with the daughter.

Luckily, I was not scheduled to work the day in question... if I had been, they would have been in a real pickle... and truthfully I would have stressed until I knew that she had arrived safely at school... their daughter was in my care... I feel responsible for her while she's in my care... when I let her and my daughter go out and do things, I'm feeling responsible for their daughter too...

I know my husband also has no control over his work schedules some times... and boy does he let me know when it causes me grief... IF I give him any over the unplanned chaos it causes... so I really don't understand where he was coming from on this... the neighbor... we were just chattting on what's been going on lately and I said oh I drove daughter and friend upt o school on Monday for the day... and she just went off on my... mind you this is the same neighbor who has asked me to keep her 9YO for 5 days while the rest of the family travels out of town to watch college hockey playoffs... and who called me today to ask could I pick up her 9yo after a school event this afternoon as she would not be home... how could she tell me I was being walked on when she's asking for favors herself????

I will never understand people!

I thought originally that your husband and the neighbour should maybe look in the mirror. Less so the neighbour ... until the last of your message next above.

You did, course, remind the neighbour about her earlier advice (" ... up one side and down the other ... ") when she was together with you after having imposed on you just now??

I might not do it now, but I think that I'd ask her, in a friendly way, in a week or so, how she viewed what she did to you differently from what the Minn. lady had done. Different in quantity, perhaps - but not in kind.

Some of us have difficulty seeing such parallels until they are pointed out to us (and it usually helps maintain good relations if it's done in a friendly, rather humourous way, rather than in an accusatory fashion).

And you could assure her that, usually, you don't mind helping her out.

Good wishes for washing off your door-mat, every now and again ... would want to keep it presentable, now, wouldn't we?

In case of need - whether by distant folks ... or neighbours ... hey! even husbands, huh?

ole joyful

P.S. One side benefit, it appears to me - next time hubby gets intense about your unhappiness about shifting your life all around to accomodate his "business interests/requirements" ... you could play back his recent recording?? You do remember some of his words on the occasion, I'm sure.

However - maybe best to bring it up within the next week or so, when not under pressure, to let him know that you feel that he was more or less a pot calling a kettle black.

o j

I think there is a difference between what your neighbor did and what your daughter's friend's mother did. I take it the neighbor "asked" you in advance for help (or for the short notice stuff, it really wasn't anything big). I don't think it matters if they asked you once or 100 times, or how often you helped them, but I think it matters that at least they asked. The other person put you in a situation where you felt you had to do something... nothing was really asked in advanced.

I had a friend who used to try to use me like that. It was almost as if she thought it was better if she didn't have to "ask" but just let the problem present itself and then knew I would have to bail/help her out. I resented it and would have much preferred she just asked in advance for help. It was never the actual helping out that I was bothered with, it was being put in the middle that I resented and having to bail her when in my opinion, she should have been able to foresee possible problems.

Obviously things come up with work, but IMHO that sort of thing should be calcualted into scenarios if it is bound to happen... his work schedule changing is still not an emergency. I think what you did was great, but generally I still agree with your husband. Grandma didn't die or junior didn't break his leg... daddy having to go on a business trip is not an excuse for you to give up your entire day. His life/time is not more important than yours, no matter how much he gets paid, and shouldn't be treated as such.