oh my guanut, i am SO sorry. this sounds like this has been extremely difficult on everyone. I guess i have worried about all the things you mentioned. my inlaws live is a secluded area and crime rate is starting to rise. they are lonely, afraid to be alone (i think), over 30 min to the nearest hospital. my FIL is a gruff old navy man but as sweet as pie. he would never in a million MILLION years have considered this and everyone in the family is stunned that when we offered, he jumped on it. this speaks volumes to us. for all the reasons listed, plus he cannot manage a house/yard any longer, he worries about the care of MIL in case something happens to him, on and on. we approached the idea of condos, assisted living, or a one floor house, everything you can think of. maybe if we could have found them a house, it might have been one thing but i dont think they want to live alone anymore and assisted living and condos were out of the question. if they had no options, they were going to stay put. which left us to extend the option to move in with us. we have nearly completed installing the shower and have added doors and such, and we will get them in january. needless to say, yes it has been stressful somewhat so far but harder on my husband i think. men seem to not be able to manage a lot of things or drama, etc , as well as women. i feel like i am keeping my own emotions in check to try and hold him up. his stress seems to not be coming from them moving in, but with the animals they are bringing - a dog and 2 cats. we have two dogs. we had a cat that died earlier this year but did urinate on things on the lower level so he is worried these cats will mark their territory. although many tell me most normal healthy cats wont do this. again, we knew this was a package deal. FIL was not leaving without his pets, although he may end up not bringing the cats and the dog is a very good dog. but like i tell my husband over and over, .....everything is temporary. it wont be this way forever. we have limited time with them. i worry about all you have said, falling, breaking a hip, etc. i am so sorry this has been so hard on you. i hope things get better very soon for you. i have been following all the posts in here and there is so much good info and feedback, i really appreciate it. deb

gibby -- There was a reduced-benefit clause in the LTC policies we took, too. I was wrong when I wrote that we took them 15 years ago. It was 20! Also, we had to pay in for TEN years, not TWO, to (possibly) get something back. We'd paid in $11,000 in premiums at the end of ten years. This was a group LTC policy from Hancock, offered to us by my DH's then-employer. After ten years we became eligible for reduced-amount benefits. Each policy will pay $45/day for *skilled nursing care*, to a lifetime max of $82,000. The verbiage on any other type of care is obscure with lots of hoops and mazes. Looking at it now, I think we will have aided tbe taxpayer -- seems to me these benefits would reduce the cost of our care to Medicare. If I'd had any doubts about problems collecting on the policies, they were sustained when it took me six months to get a letter from Hancock stating that each of us had actually qualified for this reduced-benefit coverage. We eventually received single-page letters, undated and without signatures, with a lot of 'may qualify' and 'could be' phrasing. Their legal department could send us packing without breaking a sweat. Our situation is different than yours as to probable need for the policy. I'm glad you'll take that opt-out clause. You might want to see a letter stating exactly what YOUR reduced benefits will be, specific to YOUR policy and YOUR premiums, before you sign up.

Everybody is confused about these directives. House staff, the people signing the documents, and their families. Living will is written for a very narrow circumstance, and the language in it is very clear (I think) but people tend to think that it applies to many other situations. Something that I see is that a seriously ill person has designated a medical power of attorney, but he is at that point still competent to make his decisions (ie does he want surgery); but the medical team asks the POA instead of the patient. Kind of an assumption that the patient has deferred to the POA to make the decision, even if he is not sedated, or delirious -- and actually, legally, the POA is not in effect when the patient is competent. Also, some hospital personnel tend to assume that "do not resuscitate" should mean "no treatment" beyond comfort care. But, treating an infection or setting a fracture can be perfectly appropriate, depending on the actual situation and condition of the patient. Likewise, life support can be inappropriate for a person -- because it is futile, and will not lead to recovery -- but the decision maker doesn't understand or fears making the choice to let go. All this argues that people need to learn about modern life sustaining measures, think about what they want, and discuss it with their family.

In my Alzheimer's care group sessions the question about calling an ambulance if a person was near the end and had a DNR came up. As hard as it sounds it is best not to call for an ambulance. EMTs are required to do all that they can to keep someone alive until they reach the hospital. The emergency room must also do what they can. Depending on the state and the hospital to remove a patient from the equipment that is keeping them alive can require a court order. This is a two state area and one needs a court order the other does not. Some of the procedures can be painful along with only extending life for an hour to a couple of days. As the coordinator stated talk to your loved ones about your desires. She also stated that sometimes when it appears a person has died to wait before calling. I never understood other than liability issues why the state that requires a court order for people admitted through the ER also allows family to request medical procedures to be withdrawn when the patient was a regular admission. I hope no one on here ever has to deal with this.