How long have you been married? How old are each of you? Are there any children involved?

How soon after you were married did he start this behavior? He sounds pretty immature. That or he got what he wanted when he married you, Someone that cooks, cleans and doesn't make him do anything, you just retreat to the bedroom so he can be alone and play tv games. I was thinking, seeing as how he doesn't want to sleep with you, do you think he has some sort of ED? If he can't preform he may be embarrassed about it and pick arguments with you so he doesn't have to be intimate. I don't think you are overreacting to be concerned about your marriage. You are on the road to not having one if his behavior doesn't change. So have a frank conversation with him about your true feelings. Don't let him put the blame on you as he has been doing. Get to the bottom of his problem and why he changed after you married him. NancyLouise

He definitely doesn't have ED, he still wants sex, though I'm rarely in the mood. Between stress, body image issues, and dealing with him, I just don't feel it much. However, when he sleeps in bed with me, it does tend to happen more often, which I've brought up before. We've been married not quite 4 months, together 2.5 years. No kids. He helps around the house and cooks for himself, that's not an issue for us. Actually, the behavior started before we were married, I just keep hoping things will get better.

Interestingly enough, we had another blow out just today. We were walking out of Walmart and he was carrying four 12 packs of soda. I asked if he wanted them in the trunk or the backseat, he said he didn't care. I asked again for him to just pick one, and an argument broke out. I told him all I wanted was for him to answer the question, he said he did, I said I just wanted him to pick one of the choices I gave him. He told me to get over it, and get over myself. Told me it didn't matter, I should just accept his answer, make the decision myself, and get over it. I told him that at the moment I was over him. He said he didn't care.

I'm at the point where I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake, but am feeling trapped because 4 months ago my family spent a LOT of money on our wedding and I don't feel right leaving after that. I'm so stressed out, I want to suggest counseling, but even if we could afford it, I don't think he would go.

Oh, and our ages. I just turned 29 this month, and in a couple weeks he will be 26.

FFLegs - You are not over reacting and should trust your instincts. Your idea of what marriage is all about seems to be different than your husband's. It almost sounds as if he views you as a room mate. Despite his protestations, that nothing is wrong, actions speak louder than words. I think you have made the attempt to accommodate him. And the attempt to discuss the situation. You are taking most of the responsibility for the relationship and how can such a lopsided relationship succeed? Whatever the difficulties in the relationship, only some honest conversation from both of you, can help at this point. You need to have some confidence in your own point of view and that it is legitimate. Some of his reassurances that he cares about you, and suggestions that you are being ridiculous, may be having the effect of undermining your confidence in your own point of view.

What would you like to happen at this point? I agree with Nancy, time for very honest conversations.

I agree with everything that's been said.

If he won't listen to you and take your concerns seriously, then it is time that he woke up and realised that he needs to do this. It sounds as though he is taking you for granted and I believe that this sort of behaviour is a road to problems. He'll turn around, 20 years down the track when you fall in love with someone else, and be telling his male friends, "We had the perfect marriage." And he'll believe it. He'll be incredulous. His friends will think that 'the other man' is a scoundrel.

I'd be tempted to chop down the electricity pole so that he gets off his tv and computer and the rest of it and starts listening. You are not the domestic help - you are his wife.

How long have you been married? How long did you date before you got married? Did you live together before marriage?

Look at his actions, not his words. No matter how much money your parents spent on the wedding, I'm sure they would not want you to continue to be unhappy. I think you two need someone to talk with both parties B4 this gets even worse.

Go on a 3 week camping trip - just the two of you - out in the wilderness. I think that would sort you both out - you will either develop some new communication or end up not getting on. Petty arguments 4 months into a marriage are sad. I wonder what happened to this girl ??

He sounds immature -

I wonder too.

I hope she did something.

Boy does this sound familiar.

I hope you left him, I really do. :)

tete-a-tete-you hit the nail on the head. It is amazing how blind some men can be.

He wants sex but you're never in the mood? If you're looking for a bunch of women to sit here and tell you you're right and he doesn't appreciate what he has, don't read my post. What I will say might make you mad.... but then if you give any attempt at following my advice it will save your relationship.

Go pick up a copy of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. There are comments after comments from men who were unhappy in their marriages. The comment is there, over and over - "My wife won't sleep with me, I think she doesn't love me." You gave an example of how HE started a fight earlier in the day.... looks to me like YOU started the fight. I'll repost here:

"We were walking out of Walmart and he was carrying four 12 packs of soda. I asked if he wanted them in the trunk or the backseat, he said he didn't care. I asked again for him to just pick one, and an argument broke out. I told him all I wanted was for him to answer the question, he said he did, I said I just wanted him to pick one of the choices I gave him. He told me to get over it, and get over myself. Told me it didn't matter, I should just accept his answer, make the decision myself, and get over it. I told him that at the moment I was over him. He said he didn't care."

So.... he didn't care if you put some soda in the trunk or the back seat, and you demanded that he give you an answer? What a controlling thing to do. "Just pick one," you said.... wow, that's rude. Why does he have to pick one? Why did you demand he pick one instead of just accepting that he really didn't give a flying woohoo if the pop went in the back seat or trunk?

I'll break down the psychology on what happened there. You asked him to pick something. He gave an honest answer - it made no difference to him. You took that as him not caring about you in some way, and you made a power grab. "Just pick one." You were trying to control him. You started the fight because it bothered you that he didn't care. You said, "I just wanted him to pick one of the choices I gave him." Why did he have to do what you wanted him to do? Why were you so demanding? Because you wanted the control.

By now, you have either matured a lot and realized you don't need to demand an answer from him or you have split. By now, you have hopefully realized that whether you like it or not, sex, and enjoying sex, is part of your duties in your marriage, just like sleeping in the same bed with you is part of your husband's duty.

Now, just so you have some background on me.... I have taken a chunk out of my day to write this to you because I was once in your position. I felt like my husband didn't love me. He also didn't want to hang out with me. After a huge fight, he told me he wasn't happy with me. So I got pissed. I felt abandoned. I didn't feel like sleeping with him so he didn't get any. I also started petty little fights with him all the time. (By the way, I know why you did that, it's because there's so much hurt and resentment lying just under the surface boiling and wanting to come out). I don't know what causes it... but I felt like I had the right to demand that my husband answer stupid questions like "where should I put the pop," too. And all it did was make me miserable.

So, here's how I fixed it. I read that stupid book by Dr. Laura (whom I really don't like anyway). I learned about what my husband thought about me. I learned about how he thinks. I learned that when I say "I'm not in the mood" he hears "I don't love you." If you want to keep your man, you'll figure out how to get in the mood. You'll actually eventually enjoy and need it, too. Next, I promised myself I was going to let the little arguments go. I was going to work on being extra nice, even when I didn't think he was being nice to me or I thought he was being rude. Please understand, we used to scream at each other and break up. Neighbors once complained about our fighting. Our kid was involved. It wasn't an easy mess to fix, but I promise it was MY mess to fix.

I'm so glad I did. By putting my guard down and just putting love out there toward him (AND SEX), I found my best friend. And he knows how lucky he is to have me, and I can't imagine life without him, even for a minute.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey :)

Congratulations on coming to this realization :-) It is more often than not a long time in coming, as complacency and often the sense of failure that you couldn't make it "work" impede reality. Thankfully, not a lot of your life was "wasted" on this ill-suited relationship.

My case was somewhat different as it was a long marriage but many of the issues were the same - immaturity of my former spouse, lack of any meaningful discussions about things of interest to either one of us, a gradual treating of me as his housekeeper/maid rather than life partner, a focus on his own interests that excluded me. And finally, his infidelity. I should have known better - it was his third marriage and my first :-) That might have told me something had I really considered the ramifications.

And while the initial period after our break up was tough, I got through it okay with support from family and friends and some 10 years or so later, I have never been happier!! I have a business that is meaningful to me and moderately profitable, I have an active social life and a wide circle of friends and family and a reinvigorated sense of worth and self confidence and I am in control of my life. It's a good thing :-))

Go forth and conquer!!

This is what im sorta going through now but he actually cheated. And mentally abuses me. Thanks for the post and update!

I'm so glad that you are happier.

Thanks for coming back and letting us know what happened, Fizzy. Glad to hear you have moved on and are happier. Hope you are enjoying your new life! Take care.